The Wheel's Going To Get Alot Faster

fig. 1-1 Gross.....

  I'm not exactly sure what triggered this rant. Maybe because I haven't been on an actual date in ages, or maybe because all of my friends are married and no longer have ownership of their balls. What I DO know is that sappy, lovey dovey relationships is shit that needs to remain in High School. With a national divorce rate of 50%, I'm pretty sure that marrying out of "love" and without a firm basis of friendship is what's screwing people over left and right.

  I've been pondering about men, women, and couples, and what pisses me off the most to hear, and while I can't exactly lump them into any current theme, I have come up with this.

   You fail miserably at life if:

- You're married and you refer to your wife as "wifey".

- You're married and you refer to your husband as "hubby".

- Regardless of sexual orientation, you refer to your significant other as "partner". (Seriously, you're in a relationship, not a dance competition....)

- Anyone that refers to A baby as just "baby". As in, "this formula is safe for baby's tummy".

- For that matter, if you use the term tummy...anytime. Fuck that's weird.

- You use baby talk. Ever. Pets. Children. EVER.

- You have a wedding photo somewhere in your house of you sticking your tongues down each other's throats at the alter.

- You have a picture of both of your hands together to show off your engagement/wedding rings.

- You post sonogram photos ANYWHERE. (It looks like Doppler Radar, and nobody cares)

- You post pictures of a pregnant stomach anywhere (like it's the first time it's happened in the history of humanity)

- You have a post-birth picture of either of you kissing a baby's head. 

- You have any post-birth pictures (i.e. someone in a hospital gown doing something with a baby).

- You seriously done fucked up if you have a video of your live birth. (No, it's not a miracle. No, it's not beautiful. It's gross.)

- You think pregnant women are sexy. (Which I still contend men say only because they probably get more nookie from their frigid wives because during this time their hormones are off the charts).

- You're militantly against childhood vaccinations.

- You're militantly against spanking.

- You're militantly for breastfeeding, and believe it's okay to do in public. (The "its natural" arguement doesn't work. Under that logic, I'm free and able to take a massive dump in the middle of the park in daylight).

- You post anything on Facebook reference to your Anniversary with something to matter of "On this day last (x) years, I met the love of my life and argle bargle bargle!" (Again, nobody gives two shits...remember? 50%?)

- You have a destination wedding to the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt.

Okay, I could keep going, but I'll stop for now. That list should be sufficient enough to piss off enough couples. Good gravy, being single doesn't suck some times.

Even In Death I Still Serve....

   So occasionally when I'm not getting spammed by bots who want to sell viagra, real estate, or God knows what else, I get comments remarking how "angry" I am.

   Well kids, that's who I am, I'm an angry man.

   While I may or may have not blogged it, I've been in counseling off and on for about four years now. Very, very recently (i.e. two weeks ago), I got hit by the bomb that no one is ever really excited to get. I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

   What does that mean? For those of you not familiar with the DSM-IV, it's basically extreme mood shifts marked with self-destructive behavior and "chaotic productive" behavior.

   After getting the bomb dropped on me, having a cigarette, and feeling like I was going to throw up, I thought about it. "Hmmm, my girlfriend while I was a Jr. In College was right...shit...".

   So yeah, am I an angry person? Yep. Am I in need of therapy? Clearly. Because when I lose my shit, typically people tend to be a bit terrified and say "you need therapy".

   Does that make my rants wrong? No fucking way. Not like I'm undereducated or anything. Even with my low grade insanity, I'm still exponentially smarter than Honey Boo-Boo, but yet I'm still curious to know why so many people put stock into what she has to say.

Heavy Is The Neck That Wears The Lanyard

fig. 1-1 My office chair does not look like this....

  It seems like most jobs I've had, it turns out that I usually end up being the one who needs to ferret out corruption within the ranks.

  I know, I know, it's not like I'm a knight in some giant army in the dark ages. I got that. I'm actually just some upper level manager that works at a normal non-profit.

   But what does bug me, is that usually wherever I end up working there's always a handful of staff that work to subvert the rules and do what they want to do. Anywhere from stealing to simply just being shitty supervisors, because apparently they never figure anyone is ever paying attention.

  Well guess what chumps. One of my professional radish-snappers is people that refuse to play by the rules (aka policies) and decide to make the workplace their personal play space.

  Last week I launched an Inquisition-level investigation into a really shady supervisor, and as the result, found out that there's a ring of employees that are engaging in all sorts unethical goodness. So this up coming week, I get to polish up my "you're so fired" skills and get to see if I'll remain undefeated in denying people unemployment.

  Yaaaaaayyy?? 

Why All Women Need Boots

fig. 1-1 For the record, patent leather isn't sexy. It's gross.

  So few people know that at a point in High School, I seriously debated going into the Army, and instead going into fashion design. By that point, I had several drawing pads of fashions sketched out, and was feeling somewhat confident I could make it in that industry. However, due to the fact that I'm not from another country (as most designers seem to be) and I'm not gay (which, come'on, we all know 99.99% of male designers are), I'd probably hit a glass ceiling at some point. So off to the Army I went! 

  With that background, and as Fall is upon us, I find it tragic that women everywhere arn't making the most of this season. And by that, I mean BOOTS! 

  Boots are a great fashion accessory for many reasons:

- They go with everything to include jeans, skirts, dresses, shorts (but be really careful with that lest you look like a streetwalker).

- They literally exude confidence! They can really add that extra oomph to any outfit.

- They have more variety, at least from what I've seen, then shoes. The basic rule of fashion is more fabric = more styles to work with.

Now obviously people have also not heard some of the unspoken rules of boots. First and foremost, if your boots have at least a 5" heel and platforms, you probably shouldn't be wearing those to work (as I've seen at my last job). Just wildly inappropriate because you're crossing into the CFM boot level, and from an HR standpoint...nope. Not appropriate.

Patent leather is never appropriate. Strippers wear that shit. And no, most guys don't want to see stripper-esque fashion on the street.

Boots should never have open toes. Never, never, never, never. That is just a gross fashion. Never!

Uggs are unacceptable at all times. Azurael has spoken.

Flat boots (aka the "Equestrian" look), as much as I loathe them, do have some function. But they also strike me as being a bit passive-aggressive in the function of the boot. Almost like the wearer doesn't really want to fully commit to the fashion, and that's just sad.

Look ladies, I'm sure most of you know that boots will instantly grab a mans attention. And if you weren't aware, yes, they damn near make us break our necks when you walk by. So just stick to these guidelines, and make the most of Fall for all of us! 

500th Post! BOOYAH.

fig. 1-1 Never thought I'd make it! 

So today is a twice magical day as it is indeed not only my 500th blog post, but also my birthday. It's been a long road to walk, but well worth, and my plans to continue that walk will be littered hopefully with another 500 blog posts about all sorts of rants and praises to everything from fat people to how awesome some shit is (mind you some, not alot).

Now, I am far from a materialistic person, but everyone always has those birthday wants on their special day...here are just a few of mine:

#1 - Amy Lee (Evanescence) & Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil) Do A Duet

As previously seen as being the two front runners on my Top 5 list, both of these female lead vocalists have AMAZING voices, and it would make my head (along with many, many other fans) explode if they were to partner up and do a duet. Not only would it be a song for the ages, it would also expose alot of fans to each others sound. Sooo, everyone wins! (And I wouldn't mind snuggling with both of them..just snuggling, and yes...at the same time)

#2 - Chicks in Latex & Boots At My House

 Now you're probably automatically thinking the most perverse thing possible, and no, not like that. I would simply want a crew like this to hang out at my house, possibly do some house work, maybe play Xbox a bit, chill with me over some Red Bull...and maybe, no, definitely take a shower with me (throw back to "Weird Science"). And yes, still in latex and boots. Okay, yeah, a little perverse. Mea Culpa.

#3 - Own A Jelly Bean Farm

 Yes, I am aware that jelly bean farms do not exist, but yet, I would love to own one. While I know zero about farming and I'm not honestly a fan of jelly beans, I think just being able to respond to "what do you do for a living" with "I'm a jelly bean farmer" would just beat out any other ice breaker at any and all parties!

#4 - Win A Gross Amount Of Money

Again, I will point out that I'm far from materialistic. However, it would be the best birthday present ever if I won a gross amount of money. I would immediately pay off my brothers student loans, send a chunk of money to my mother to live comfortably forever, then I would take the rest, buy my last employer, and shut their shit down in two seconds. Given, I would be shutting down some vital resources for individuals in need, but that's a small price to pay for the smiting.

#5 - Own The US Gymnastics Team

'Nuff said. I won't go into detail on that. 

  So as I close out the 500th blog entry, I want to thank my readers, both incidental and regular, for taking the time to read my crazy rants and opinions on everything ranging from stupid people to cheese. Read all you want, and I'll keep writing more. 

Why Miley Cyrus Is Not Okay By Any Standard....

fig. 1-1 No, I'm not gay. I just don't get a boner for nonsense like this....

  So everyone' been losing their mind over Miley Cyrus and the Internet universe is pretty split. Naturally there are people out there that think she's acting very untasteful, and think that her transition from a "teen" into an "adult" is a bit too shocking and a bit too rushed.

  Then there's the other side, who happens to be the embarrassing members of my gender who think it's awesome because they're fucked in the head, and apparently jack off to anything regardless of the class associated with it.

  Now typically I try to avoid pop culture in general, but occasionally, just like government, it just builds up in me and I gotta way in.

  Miley Cyrus honestly went from decently talented and attractive, to basically gross and looks like she's sticky to the touch among other things. She's gross. Just plain gross.

  Why is she gross you ask? For only one reason, because she is trying waaay to hard. And not like Madonna or other stars did. Madonna some how pulled it off with a sense of in your face decency (except for that nasty book she put out...blech). And when Britney Spears did it, yeah, she might have been in a skin colored one piece with a snake, but at least she wasn't licking everything under the sun, spanking midgets, and getting weird with a foam finger (which I'm thankful I'm not into sports, because I would never be able to look at those things again...blech).

   And seriously, what on God's green Earth is with her sticking out her tongue any time a camera is around. I get that she's going with some new persona, but good Lord it's gone from okay to just disturbing. Blech!

  Look, there's a not so fine line from being effortlessly-sexy, and just being a nasty, offensive to all five senses prostitute that can sing. Miley is the latter.

  What's worse is that, while she's following the same behavior that many other stars follow when they move from being a teen to an adult, she's going waaaaay too fast. She is on the way to imploding in some fashion, be it drugs, a negative PR event, musical failures...who knows....just calling it now.

  Again, I'm sure most men probably won't agree with this post, but unfortunately, they're the same kinda guys that need to beat off 5 times a day because they're just gross.

  Miley! Get on The Wheel!!!

Did No One Else Get This Memo?

  So a few weeks back, one of my subordinates told me she had emailed my bosses' boss about some issue involved with the workspace at our office. To which I asked "did you CC me? Did you CC my boss", which she had not. I then proceeded to explain to her the unwritten rules of email etiquette (not to mention common courtesy and chain of command) which include, if you're going to circumvent the chain of command via email with a very nonsensical question, you might want to CC those you are circumventing so they don't get blindsided by the recipient of the said email.

  She looked at me as though I was talking Greek and had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

  Sweet Moses. Now I will give her this, she's in her early 20's and has never actually worked in an office environment before, but it just terrified me that this idea hadn't even crossed her mind. I then began to question myself about what I take for granted in terms of experience based knowledge in the workplace?

  Thinking through all the office space etiquette and office norms I've learned over the years, this are a few that immediately come to mind:

- Unlike anywhere else, and as Guy Code dictates, if you fart in the office elevator, you never claim it.

- It is unacceptable to eat any one's food from the break room fridge, but for some reason, NOBODY else honors this rule. I mean seriously? How big of a shit-bird do you have to be that you purposefully chow down someone elses' lunch?

- If the Internet and/or email goes down, everyone is pretty much done for the day.

- Unlike the military, civilians think they can just tool on in to any meeting, regardless of who's running it 10-15 minutes late and think there isn't a problem at all with it.

- As above, civilians also think it's totally fine to dink around on their cell phones during a meeting.

- There is always that ONE co-worker that has worked for the organization since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, and for some reason SHE (because it's usually a she) is just adamantly against retiring and will work there until she dies faxing a TPS report.

- In advocating for the employee, most HR shops are about as useful as a shit flavored lollipop.

- Someone will always, for some reason, have a craving for popcorn at about 2pm, and will burn the ever living shit out of it in the break room microwave which in turn, stinks up the entire office.

- Any employee/new mom will always, at some point, find a reason to bring in her brand new kid to show off to literally everyone. IT, HR, Accounting, Me of all people...everyone. Never really figured out the reason.

- Too many working people have too many photos of too many personal things in their offices at all times.

- The mega-tools are the ones with not only too many photos, but also a screen saver slide show of their tooly vacations/weddings/camping/etc.etc.etc. excursions.

- Some female employee will almost always wear some type of shoe that sounds like you're setting off M-80's with each of her steps, regardless of whether the floor is carpeted or not.

- All workplaces have at least wildly inappropriate male employee, for various reasons.

- People who reek up the workplace at lunch with fast food are usually considered dicks right up there with the popcorn-burning-dick.

I could keep going but I won't. Wow, the more I go back and look at this list, I can definitely say that I have worked with a lot of ass hats in my small foyer into the civilian workforce (along with bits and pieces of the military). What I can say with some amount of confidence is that there are a lot of ass hats in workplaces everywhere, however, their type and style is apparently limited.

Maybe they requisition these types of idiots when they first start a company? Never-going-to-retire guy, burn-the-popcorn asshole, shoes-too-fucking-loud chica, etc.etc. I could almost see a checklist circulating somewhere....

Stop With The Hero Shit

fig. 1-1 Trying so hard to care....still don't.

 

 

  So at the risk of having to deal with politics, just like the piss poor of an excuse Lt. Watada, let's talk about Snowden.

 

  All sorts or people (read: stinky hippies, crazy-ass conspiracy theorists, and anti-vaccine wackos) are claiming that Snowden is a hero. For the basic fact that he disclosed certain government secrets that may or may not infringe on the rights of the American people.

 

  People who think this guy is some sort of a martyr need to get over themselves and get back to reality. In the grand scheme of things, yes, the government may be reading your emails via computer and looking into your records and whatnot, but seriously, who the fuck cares? If your life is as mundane as mine, yeah, the NSA might find out that I check my Facebook entirely too much, I send pictures of LOL cats to everyone I know, and yeah, I receive regular (however, old, and unwanted) porn website updates to stuff that would make your head explode. If they want to find out that I have a shell of a social life and watch porn on occasion, then so be it! I don't think the Men In Black are going to come busting down my door if I use the word "bomb" in an email.

 

  People that honestly think the government is going to take viable action against innocent citizens are the same kind that think that any kind of gun control will mean the government will come to your door and take the guns out of your hands. Fuck no they won't. The government is too busy stepping all over their cocks to even think about doing something like this.

 

  And furthermore, in the absolute worst case scenario in which the government did conduct an arrest based soley on an email for anything other than definitive terrorist plots or plans, wouldn't someone think to ask where they got the evidence which is required prior to a search/arrest warrant?

 

  To build on this, it's the same people that hate traffic cameras or even public security cameras on street corners because they "feel it infringes on their rights to privacy". Uh. no. It doesn't. Rule of privacy is anywhere you can reasonably rub one out and not be arrested for doing so in that location. That's privacy. The instant your foot hits the sidewalk, you belong to the public. Same rule as garbage. Once that shit hits the street, you have "relinquished control" of it, and all your nudie mags in it are fair game.

 

  Furthermore, once you send an email, or make a phone call, those signals, other than going through your IP service provider, are indirectly being sent into OUTER-FUCKING-SPACE. While I understand the idea behind "privacy on the Internet", the bottom line is, there is ZERO privacy on the Internet, and should be accepted as so.

 

 But again, all your boring emails, your Internet history, your cell phone calls, your texts, etc.etc.etc. The Government could give two shits about all of this. And for God's sake, it's not like there's a giant room full of people somewhere in the desert literally reading every email that gets sent. That's not how it works. Government ain't going to arrest you for an email, they aren't going to take your precious guns, and they don't give a shit about you sending a lol cat to a friend. Your life isn't that interesting, get over it.

 

  So back to Snowden. So he sent information about a Government program to Wikileaks, and suddenly he is elevated to "hero" status. What this spineless piece of shit did was not only violate his security clearance and the oath of confidentiality he took as a contractor, he also inadvertently (or advertently) shit on the Country by airing our dirty laundry to an International intelligence board. And at the very least, instead of doing the honorable thing and sticking around for his day in court, he stuck his tail between his legs, and went scurrying off to Russia where he lived in a fucking airport like a hobo. Yeah. That's real "hero" material there. At no point did this man exude any semblance of bravery in what he did. He didn't "whistle blow" to the proper channels, he didn't make a stand to face his day in court, and worst off, he sold out our bad shit to the International Community. He handing over intelligence just like Benedict Arnold did 200+ years ago, and ran away.

 

Yeah, real fucking hero. Anyone that idolizes this pile of crap needs to seriously rethink their definition of the word "hero".

At What Point Did Men Lose The Right To Choose?

Holy crap.

So I made the mistake of reading the news on my "lunch break" (I say that because I pretty much count Red Bull as "lunch") and ran across this story about embryos.

Basically in a nutshell, couple have eggs fertilized, break up, guy doesn't want a kid with the woman now (obviously), but the woman still wants a kid (weird...and that's sarcasm).

After reading further down, I came across this quote tying in other court decisions on the same topic:

"In a similar case, a Pennsylvania appeals court last year awarded frozen embryos to a woman who hoped to give birth over the objection of her ex-husband, who wanted the embryos destroyed. Like Dunston, the ex-wife was believed to be infertile due to cancer treatments. The decision upheld the trial court ruling that the ex-wife's desire to have biological children outweighed the ex-husband's disinterest in becoming a father."

Okay, after reading that, I'm going to highlight the part that should make not just men, but pretty much EVERYONE cringe (even though I know the baby-lovers out there won't)

"The decision upheld the trial court ruling that the ex-wife's desire to have biological children outweighed the ex-husband's disinterest in becoming a father."

You GOTTA be fucking kidding me. A woman's desire to have kids outweighed the fact that the man didn't want kids? So in a nutshell, this is basically backing the guy into a corner to forever be on the hook for child support, all because the woman MUST HAVE BABIES.

I don't fucking get this. At what point in society did men lose the ability to decide whether they wanted to become fathers or not? This ruling should be clear as day. If both parties are no longer consenting, you're fucking done! Case closed! The fact that the woman is decrying her biological clock ticking, and can't have babies after x y and z, it shouldn't matter a goddamn iota if the guy doesn't want kids. Women who MUST have kids because they have this weird sense of urgency disturb me a great deal. Woman who MUST have kids for the sheer reason they just want babies, and willfully go out and appropriate a "baby daddy" disturbs me even more.

I might even be so bold as this is almost a mirror of the current abortion debate. The government is taking away men's right to choose. Yeah, we got it, women do all the work, but until the fetus is actually in the woman, it belongs to BOTH parties. Now obviously that being said, I personally would never deposit my baby batter anywhere that I couldn't directly control it. Maybe a sperm bank that had containers that I could remote detonate if I change my mind would be good, I'd do that.

Bottom line is this. Guy doesn't or revokes his consent, dump the eggs OOOOORRR the guy becomes liability free from any and all future child support payments, etc.etc.etc.

As for the woman, if she just MUST HAVE biological children (so she can placate that certain mental illness with the need for something to love), then she can post an ad on Craigslist, I'm sure someone will hook her up.

FUCK.

Fall Is Here And I Forgot!

fig. 1-1 For long time readers, everyone knows Fall

means boot season! Woot!

  Been a while since a blogged, not for lack of trying, but rather just getting home and spacey from repairing the damage done by the person I replaced at my current job. With my experience in leadership, I never grow tired of hearing "well, so-and-so was a great person and they're going to be hard to replace", only to find out they typically did less than nothing, leaving me with filing cabinets full of ancient paperwork, and a bunch of focus-less staff working with me.

  That being said, I never can really bring myself to complain too much about having so much to do. Even though my focus tends to wane every once and a while when it comes to getting projects done, they still end up getting done among the chaos that typically ensues from a poor leadership climate. 

  Beyond all that, it's pretty much just been alot of work/home/game/eat/sleep/work/wash/rinse/repeat. Really need to get back to the gym more, but we'll see how that goes. 

  Baby steps!

So We're Doing This Again Are We?

End of week 3 and I'm beginning to wonder what I've gotten myself into job wise. Don't get me wrong, everyone including my boss is awesome and I can't really complain about the schedule or the environment. The pickle here is that the person who had the job before me apparently has done NOTHING in the past 6-8 months.

The battle cry since I started in with my "new-guy" questions is "where's the policy for that"? No policy. Anywhere. Whatsoever. And the "policy binder", is actually, a giant three ring binder full of one page "policies" which only say nicey-nicey things about what the intent of it is. And apparently it hasn't been updated in a while because it's printed on what I can only assume is a dot matrix, and signed by John Hancock.

Why is it every time I walk into a new position, it's always the same story. Everything that governs my job is extremely out of date, there are filing cabinets of shit that date back to pre-WWII, and everyone operates under the flag of "it was that way when I got here".

Sooo there's that....

Back In The Saddle

 Soo I'm back in the working world after being unemployed for about 4 months (pay wise, 6 months in all actuality) and so far so good.

  I'm stoked about the fact that my supervisors are awesome all the way up the chain, even the president of the company. What's even better is my new boss is stoked about pretty much most of the ideas I'm coming up with.

  After working in an unholy place for almost four years, it's almost surreal when you actually get a job where you don't work for assholes and you arn't getting underpaid.

Phew! Living the dream, at least for the time being.

BOOYAH!

fig. 1-1 F**K YEAH

 Just accepted a job offer after several weeks, literally, of daily interviews. Now obviously this being the anon-type blog, I can't really say where, but I can say this:

1) I will NOT be working for a mentally retarded a-hole.

2) I WILL be getting paid more than my last job.

3) I will NOT be working for a mentally retarded a-hole.

Yeah yeah, I know #1 and #3 are the same, but it's a pretty important thing to point out at this stage in the game....you know, because noone likes a-holes.....well, unless you read this blog, then I guess I'm the a-hole writing these posts.

Anyway F**K it! I got a job!! BOOYAH.

Oh Goddamnit....

  Well, I've gone and dood it. The proverbial tides have turned and now I'm starting to get more job interviews than I can handle. Yay and booooooo at the same time.

   Today I got scheduled for an interview for a pretty sweet gig, and no less than two hours later, I'm contacted by the state for testing for a potentially better position.

   While most HR professionals can agree you can typically reschedule an interview, it's basically saying to that hiring manager "I'd love to interview for the aforementioned time for a job at your company, but I got better shit to do, soooo, can we reschedule?"

  Sweet....

Hollywood Is Officially Dead

  Taking a break of my epic quest that I call "holy-shit-can-I-please-get-a-job-yet?" I digress to a review of a movie I watched last night.

   I had the opportunity to watch "Movie 43" or "Jack The Giant Slayer". Naturally going currently with my luck, I went with Movie 43.

   Wow....did I fuck up.

   I'm not going to peel this movie apart to show how bad it is because I wouldn't exactly know where to start, and I'd never stop. Let's just say this is probably the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. That takes the coveted spot pushing gems like "Date Movie" to 2nd place.

   This is another example of movies where I wonder just how high or mentally retarded I need to be to actually think this shit is funny. My brain wanted me to think this was funny because it had ALOT of big stars in it, but it wasn't there.

   This must have been written by a 5 year old, because it's just littered with genital and toilet jokes, ironically, none of them that actually landed.

   What the fuck Hollywood. Have your standards all but just evaporated at this point? This is a serious argument to pirating movies again just to make sure I don't lose $6 watching movies on demand.

    I'm not the only one who thinks this. This steaming pile of movie recieved a 19/100 on Metacritic and a 4% from Rotten Tomatoes. It would have been lower, but naturally the shills are on the boards screaming about how we "just don't understand good humor" and that it had "laugh out loud moments".

  Ugh.

My Sobriety Has A Shelf Life, And Unemployment Has Just Invented Time Travel

   So in my daily doses of crappy daytime television, I see ALOT of banking and insurance commercials. Just a ridiculous amount of them. They all have the same common theme which typically boils down to "your family is your everything, now go out and make shit happen." Which now that I type it out, doesn't make alot of sense, but that's pretty much it.

   Problem #1, what about us fuckers that don't have familys? Are we lesser beings as the result thereof?

   Problem/Issue #2, the statement "go out and make it happen/follow your dream" makes me want to donkey punch a nun. Fuck you. If shit was as easy as "going out and doing it", I'm pretty sure all disease would be curable, and people would know how to shit diamonds right now.

   Entering my 5th month of unemployment, I'm noticing that oh so familiar shift of my sanity from being optimistic and upbeat about potential job prospects, to wanting to burn down a school everytime I get the same canned rejection letter.

   Don't tell me "you had impressive qualifications, but we decided to pursue another candidate" because obviously you don't know what the fuck "impressive" means. It means "damn, we should interview this guy". I would rather the statement said "you had nothing on the other guys, and your cover letter pretty much left you shitting the bed in hopes of getting this job."

   Who the fuck is getting hired these days???

Annnnnd....Here We Go Again...

fig. 1-1 "Wait....who is this?......What the fuck?"

  So as I posted recently here, I got cock blocked for a job at a pretty huge organization (rejection #2 within a 24 hour period) and was told I made it "really far" in the process and that other job openings were going to be posted.

  My initial knee-jerk "fuck that, fuck you, fuck the horse you rode in on, fuck your mother, fuck your father, fuck your Bible, fuck fuck fuck" eventually wore off and yes, I applied for another job with the organization. That was several weeks ago. Low and behold, I got a call today saying they want to interview me for the position. Bear in mind, this position will be for a position which reports to the position I first applied for.

  Hmm. Sticky wicket this one is. I've never actually interviewed for two jobs with the same organization. The positive side is 1) I already kinda know what they're going to ask 2) I DID make it far in the process for the last job which shows I am somewhat of an organizational match and 3) I'm probably going to have the same panel to interview me, which is good because it'll make adapting to their personality easier.

 The negative side of this is only that if I don't get it this time, I'm probably going to explode the moon with my rage soaked mind.

Run For The Hills!

  So last week I decided to pay around $30 to have my resume posted on various job seeking websites, with the futile hope that recruiters would magically stumble across me and think "wow, I gotta get this guy".

  NOPE.

  So far I've received at least 5 different emails and at least one phone call from Insurance Companies offering me, not a job interview, but a "career opportunity". Folks, be weary of these kind of calls. The red flags you should listen for is obviously "career opportunity", any mention of life insurance, and if they tell you to wear business attire to the job interview. Duh, what would I wear to an interview? Oh, nevermind, it's not an interview, but a pyramid scheme presentation you and about 30 other people will end up getting sucked into, wasting valuable time in the process that could be spent getting a job.

  Basically how it works is they sell you about being "in business in yourself" by selling life insurance (and or other crap people don't wanna talk about) and all you need to do is pay into the company to get the insurance license and for various training materials.

  I recently ran across someone that I worked with you got sucked into this work cult. She was excited about it, especially after having a meeting with a "Regional Director" in the same career field.

  Now hold up, how can you be a "Regional Director" if you're working for yourself? Are your cats your frontline staff?

  Jesus wept. Just wanna work!

Should I Freak Out Yet?

 So it's been quiet in the employment seeking world, a bit tooooo quiet. And it's pissing me off.

 I've begun to contemplate moving back to the small town in Idaho I grew up in and essentially mashing the reset button on my life.

 Half of me doesn't want to admit defeat and that despite my education and skill set, I'm just an abject failure in the eyes of the world.

On the other half....well, fuck Seattle.

That's pretty much it....

New Blog Launch!

fig. 1-1 No, not me. I don't own a guitar....

 After various amounts of inspiration and the fact that men these days continue the downward spiral into being more metrosexual, I've decided to fire off a new blog about a code of being a bachelor.

 This differs somewhat from guy code, but there is alot of overlap. 

 I think it'll provide single guys reassurance about what's normal when you're single and on your own. I think it'll probably also provide an interesting (or terrifying) viewpoint about what we guys do when we're not in a relationship.

You can find that sparkling new blog HERE.

Don't worry, I'm still cynical and pissed off enough to keep this shitstorm blog a'flowin. ;)

Is This Where I Ask What The Next Step Is?

fig. 1-1 Don't do this in a job interview....

  Had a job interview today that I wasn't trying all that hard for....pretty much since I applied for it.

  This is one of those jobs that I ran across and thought "yeah, I could do that I guess". The pay is meh, the job duties are meh, everything was meh.

   To my somewhat surprise, a few days after I sent the application, I received a questionnaire asking me secondary questions about what applies to the job. I spent about 5 minutes just vomiting out a response and shipped it off without neary a "meh".

   Then I got an interview. Hmm. Didn't even try....so be it.

   Went into my interview today with a "meh" attitude. Again, not that I'm not greatful for getting an interview, but rather, this job doesn't give me the career-oriented "chubby" that the other jobs I got shot down for. Per usual, it was a panel interview, and after looking at the first question, I pretty much already know I'm not getting this when they started off with a question about social work (which yeah, I don't really do).

   That interview was a few hours ago and I already can't remember half of it. I'm not really sure if it's the fact that I'm not totally stoked about the job opportunity, or whether I'm just fucking tired of doing everything to put my best foot forward only to have hit kicked to the side. 

   Ho-hum.

Greybies....Seriously.....WTF.

  Malingering as usual on a Monday afternoon with the tv on in the background, I heard a commercial for Inside Edition talking about new and expecting mothers having "Greybies".

   Without a moment to even wonder if this was perhaps a relative to rabies, they went on to explain that women are now getting pregnant, possibly in levels to a "boom" due to the novel "50 Shades Of Grey".

   Leaving me with the soul sucking, WHAT THE FUCK NOW feeling that typically would only happen if I owned a house boat. Then said house boat sprung a leak, got hit by a meteor, had a pack of ferrell dogs shit all over it, then somehow have it crash land into someone else's yard. Yeah, that what the fuck now moment.

   Let's hold the boat nonsense for a second and talk about the merits of "mothers" claiming that they have a kid that was conceived due to a nasty book. First an excerpt or two:

“At the touch of leather, I quiver and gasp. He walks around me again, trailing the crop around the middle of my body. On his second circuit, he suddenly flicks the crop, and it hits me underneath my behind … against my sex … The shock runs through me, and it’s the sweetest, strangest, hedonistic feeling … My body convulses at the sweet, stinging bite. My nipples harden and elongate from the assault, and I moan loudly, pulling on my leather cuffs.” (323)

“I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.” (137)

   Soooooo, mother's....when your self-acclaimed "greybies" grow up and end up reading this, they're going to find out you're an S&M addled wanna-be-slut. Hmm. We're off to a good start.

    Seriously, think of the amount of kids that were born as the result of regular ass porn. We don't have classifications of children relating to the copious amounts of video and internet porn that guys watch, nor would it be acceptable. I guess the only upside to women introducing their precious crotch fruit as "greybies" is that I know mommy likes it weird....

    This moves on to the just series of books in general. I fucking hate the fan fare over this for several reasons. First and foremost, dudes have been asking girls for kinky shit in the bed since the dawn of time...and it only takes an overweight female author who has a self-deprecating main character that tries to somehow play the "slut" and self-empowered "inner goddess" at the same time? No no no no no. Those ideas are incompatible. If your character is getting plowed in the ass with a wine bottle, she is not at that point exerting any form of power over the situation. Seriously.

   Secondly, and more importantly, chicks aren't wired to like this kinda shit. Yeah, I'm sure they like being tossed around, hair pulled, blah blah blah. But when it comes to stuff that men can do better than women, kink is pretty much the mountain we play king on, and no matter hard you try, you can't push us off. I've gotten into countless arguments with women who claim to be "wilder and kinkier"...and subsequently end up deep throating only a giant serving of humble pie in the process.

   Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's legions of married men out there that sacrificed a goat to the author once their numb sex life was briefly brought back to life with handcuffs and whatever (ooooh...handcuffs....*snore*), but the idea of the she-walrus that wrote this book writing nasty shit like that? That worse then finding out one of the Golden Girls directed 2 Girls 1 Cup. Gross.

"But You Got Really Far In The Process...."

 In a one-two combo punch of wonderment, I found out both yesterday evening and at the butt crack of dawn this morning that the two jobs I had interviewed for (a billion years ago), I was not selected for.

  Now ignoring the fact that I exceeded all of the job requirements they were looking for, the fucker we've all known to grow and love (aka "Another Candidate") got picked over me.
 
   Okay, got it. Someone out there is bettered suited for the job than me. But again as I've previously pointed out, if you're going to shoot me down, please don't try to fucking sugar coat it in the process. That just makes me second guess your actual thinking process during the hiring.

   Rejection #1 was relayed to me in the form of an almost minute long voicemail in which they stated they decided to go with another candidate. But then was followed up with "you're a very smart, talented, and skilled individual and I hope you all the luck in the world." Really? So you're not seeking intelligence, talent and skills in this job? Unless the other candidate was VERY VERY smart, blah blah blah. Fuck I'm glad that one went to voicemail.

   Rejection #2 was early as hell this morning whilst in the process of me zombie-staggering out of bed to make coffee. I was informed that another candidate was selected, but I was comforted in the fact that I made it "very far in the application process". Well lah-de-fuckin'-dah. I'd feel alot better if that'd gotten me the job. And you didn't need to tell me that other positions will be posted with your organization shortly because I really don't feel like applying for another job there, going to multiple interviews on the other side of the fucking planet, get dick tease for almost a month only to find out once again that I made it right up until the end, but Mr./Mrs. Another Candidate got the job instead.

  Fuck. Back to the fucking drawing board.

I Didn't Apply To Safeguard Nukes

fig. 1-1 What I do Monday through Friday, 0900 to 1700.....

  Just got another call today for a job I interviewed for two weeks ago. This obviously being the week after the previous week for which I was told I was going to be hearing from them.

  Now I'm not one to criticize due diligence, but the bottom line is this: if you can't get a hold of all of my employment references, calling me several times to ask about the same termination I went through isn't going to make it better. Yes, I got fired. Alot of people get shit canned daily. But when I speak to three of separate HR professionals from your organization about it, it begins to make me severely feel like shit. The fact that I got the boot is bad enough, but having to tell the ridiculous story time after time is just a really weird way to kick me while I'm down.

  In a nutshell, I got fired for messy petty cash receipts among other things. No, I didn't get fired because I was banging a coworker in the breakroom, or doing coke off a hooker's ass in the bathroom, or even for stealing staples from the company. I got canned for having what the powers that be deemed to be an "unruly organizational system". 

   So now, I'm forced to once again run round-and-round in my head as to whether they'll believe me and potentially give me the job, or if I've had my hopes escalating for almost three weeks for no point.

   Little tip to all you potential hiring managers out there. If you interview someone, and they simply don't cut the mustard, just tell them right away. Don't make them wait weeks in pure unadulterated mental anguish while you eventually get around to giving them the canned "we decided to pursue a better candidate" speech.

   This is fuckin' KILLING ME.

Did I Not Get A Memo Or Something?

fig. 1-1 Yeah, I drew a penis on this picture using MS-Paint. Deal.

Being a relatively strong fan of Comedy Central, I was overjoyed to hear that "The Ben Show" had been cancelled. Plagued with attempted rapid fire "comedy", embarrassing complete strangers, and trying to be deadpan while doing extreme things is something that just doesn't work in the US. Sorry. Might work in England (i.e. the original "Office" show), but not here.

I then found out that the Jeselnik Offensive got renewed (yay!) as well as "Nathan for you" (WHAT THE FUCK). I've seen only the first episode of this show, and that's all I needed. A "comedian" who is also attempting deadpan while fucking with complete strangers in really unintelligent related ways (shit flavored frozen yogurt? Really?).

Following due diligence, I check some reviews and I found this:

"NATHAN FIX MY FAILING FAMILY

9.5

By MarkizzMax, Mar 28, 2013

Nathan is a freakin genious. He has come up with the most original and funny show Ive seen in a long time. I never wana miss a minute of this hilarious show. I dont think anyone else could do a better "job". This show should stay on as long as possible. Now if only Nathan could come to my house and fix my family, its a pain in the ass kinda job."

REALLY? Obviously by the spelling I can garner that this show caters to the lesser minds, that I get, but hilarious? No. No no no. This is either a shill (but it can't be because usually they spell better), or apparently I need to be reeeaaaallly high while I watch this show.

I think I'm beginning to lose my hold on what's considered funny in the country.

Check out his shitty comedy here. Oh he's so befuddled and hilarious! (NOPE)

Complete Clownshoes

I Hate Waiting

    Soooo, after applying to puhlenty o' jobs, I've managed to have several interviews at two jobs. I was told I would hear back this week (after my 2nd interviews wrapped up last week) and now...we wait.

    In the perfect universe, I would be hopefully soon be stuck in the position of which job to take because both had made me an offer. However, all things never being perfect, I'd be totally cool with either job.

    That being said, this waiting thing is just NUTS. I keep getting texts from my job references letting me know they gave me epic job reviews (because, well, I'm that epic), but so far, no word from either potential employer.

    Even though I know no HR professional would ever allow it, I would be totally fine with the hiring manager just sending me several word emails every now and again during the diliberation process that would keep me informed of my potential employment with them.

Good progress examples:

- "Not too shabby candidate!"
- "How big of a desk would you need?"
- "Might want to get any vacation plans out of your way now!"

Bad progress examples:

- "Hmmmmmmmmm......."
- "Other people might be better at this..."
- "You might want to practice up "you want fries with that"?"

Can't We Be Done?

Soooo, I've gotten a few job interviews and so far, things are going kinda okay. The job I am REALLY wanting, I've already done two in person interviews and they've already called my job references, who of course made it sound like I invented water.

Cool.

But then I got a call from their HR department today stating that they'd be calling my past employers, to include my most recent ex-employer that gave me the BOHICA (bend-over-here-it-comes-again) firing of my lifetime to verify my employment.

Now I am fully aware, having a background in HR, that there are only certain questions 99.9% of employers will answer during an employment verification, however, I know there's always that .1% of employers out there that simply don't give a shit and decide they want to put their own personal spin on things to fuck over the potential chance that one of their ex-employees will get a job.

I passed my 90 days of sobriety this last Saturday, and it's pretty much the only damn thing keeping me from pounding down a fifth of Bushmills right now. I'm trying to console myself that the chances of my fuckwad ex-supervisor won't field this call, but the fact that I won't hear anything about the job until early next week is giving me an ulcer the size of Texas.

For all of you out there in the blogosphere, please take a moment and poor one out for your old buddy Azurael would you? *pout*

'Merica!

Ugh.

With the incident that occurred today in Boston, there are few certain things that will happen as the result:

1) Trolls will be flooding the forums on the Internet to make this nothing except being politically related.

2) Conspiracy theorists will blame the government for doing this (because yeah, that makes alot of fucking sense)

3) Scammers will come out of their holes and bilk innocent people out of money that they think is being donated to the Red Cross.

4) We'll find out who did it.

*Sigh* Well, one out of four ain't bad I guess.

And Jesus Wept....

  Still on the job hunt and no dice whatsoever.....shocking. I have, however, had the chance to meet with two fellow ex-coworkers from my previous employer. I noticed, in talking with them, that at any point in our discussion about our terminations....they never referred to it as "being fired" or what not, but rather just flat out called it "getting fucked over".

Hmmm....yeah, that's about right.

  As the job hunt dredges on, I haven't found myself to the point of desperation where I'll sell out for minimum wage and work a shit job in the hopes of getting promoted up the food chain quickly. That being said, I've had some wacky inspirations to return to the workforce in the following ways:

• Join the French Foreign Legion (although my High School French is a bit spotty, I hear those guys'll take anyone....although I would kindly decline the French citizenship that comes with it...because...well fuck, it's France.)

• Teach English over in Eastern Europe (although my classic combination of the hatred of people, lack of overseas travelling experience, and getting paid in who know's what currency doesn't excite me)

• Become a private security member aka a mercenary (although I already did submit my application a few days ago and am waiting a reply. I absolutely cu-uh-rushed the minimum qualifications but I'm sure I need to be fluent in Sanskrit or have 2 years accounting or something...blah)

• Move to Amsterdam and become a jelly bean farmer (however, I can't take credit for this idea as I believe it belongs to the late Mitch Hedberg, the best stand-up comic of all time....but growing jelly beans? Hmmm, onto something there)

   While I continue the horrific job of applying to a million jobs and not hearing shit, there is one thing I really am growing tired of hearing from friends and family.

   "You have to stay positive."

   No the FUCK I don't. I have nothing to stay positive about. I worked my ass off for three years in a shitty non-profit organization that tossed me out on my hump without so much of a how-do-ya-do, but meanwhile other people who don't deserve jobs are still getting them, or some type of messed up frontier equilibrium. The former athletic director (this ass clown) who let his coach beat on basketball players is getting a golden parachute, an iPad, and all sorts of goodies for not doing his job. Boeing narrowly avoided a strike (fucking AGAIN) at a time when planes are melting apart in the sky. And slow-mo's like Honey Boo Boo, the Kardashian's, and Lindsey God-damn Lohan are making more money than you or I will ever see in our lifetimes for being absolute dumpster fires. 

    While I have a bad habit of blogging as though I have a drunken clown kicking me repeatedly in the shin, I'm not dumping this into my resume cover letter (although I will after a certain point), and I certainly don't make half the mistakes in job interviews I've seen as a hiring manager. Somehow, everytime I hear "you have to stay positive", I think people think my cover letters are skin to something like:

Dear Hiring Manager (or retarded excuse for a recruiter),

   I found your over demanding, underpaying job on (insert bullshit job board here) and I figured I might as well apply. 

   

    While I do possess significantly more education and experience than you are requesting, I'm guessing you'll probably hate the font or pitch of my resume and set it aside. While I can assure you that I have the experience, I can also assure you that the fact that I don't have experience using Microsoft Sharepoint will not hinder me to do the job you could pay a reasonably trained monkey in bananas to do. 

    While I notice you make up for shit pay with such interesting benefits as a "casual work environment", I am more interested in the fact that you stressed that women and minorities are encouraged to apply. Gee whiz, that means you must be completely focused on diversity, and not at all overcompensating most likely to a previous lawsuit your corporation encountered in inappropriate hiring conduct.

    Anywho, you should probably go ahead and give me the job, or not...whateve. At least this counts for one of my three job contacts required to collect unemployment for the week.

Azurael 

   I'm close to that...not yet, but close!

I'm Amped On Red Bull And Am Wearing Out The Job Listings!

  So since getting sh*t-canned towards the middle of January. I've been diligent about meeting my state unemployment obligated "three job contacts a week" requirement. That being said, in the course of almost two months already, I've had A telephone interview and A in person interview.

  The last time I was unemployed (or as one of my friends calls it "funemployed"), I think I estimated that I had applied to 600+ jobs before finally getting a job. Mind you that was over a 10 month period, resulting in approximately 4-5 in person interviews.

   Something about this isn't right. I hold a Dual Masters in Human Resources, I'm an Army Veteran, and have pretty much had more office and leadership experience than I know what to do with.

   Then I was reminded of why potentially I have absolutely ZERO luck in getting my foot in the door. I saw a job posting for an HR Generalist today that required said following at minimum:

• Bachelor's Degree in Human Resources (okay, got that)
• Two years experience in Human Resources (well, 1.8 years, but close enough)
• Two years experience in an office environment (does 10+ years do it?)
• Knowledge of MS-Office products (anyone that graduated college in the last 10 years is pretty much an expert at that shit)
• Fluent in Tagalog (......wait....WTF?)

    There is something seriously wrong with the world, or the employment area that I need to be fluent in a language I am barely familiar with to get a job. Tagalog? Really? I get Spanish, possibly even Chinese. But Tagalog? Again, I'm sorry for this HR position I don't have ANOTHER Master's degree in Accounting and can read every language on the Rosetta Stone. 

WTF people.....

Anywho, for those wonderous readers who are steadily following my post. We're going to do alittle challenge. Starting tomorrow (March 08, 2013), I will apply for one job a day. The day I actually get an interview, I'll let ya'll know, as well as the day I actually land a job. 

That is apparently after I learn Tagalog or become a master at Payroll.

Recruiters....I Hate You.

fig. 1-1 Not related to this post, but found it

when I Googled "I hate corporate recruiters".

 In my current quest to obtain employment, I'm constantly reminded how much I hate the hiring and the corporate hiring process. Recruiters specifically are the ones I am not a huge fan of. The following points submitted to you as follows (in standard Mechanical Escape bullet format...booyah.)

• Bottom Feeders - Recruiters are considered "HR professionals" despite the fact they do little more than what a trained monkey can do. Not good enough to get into actual HR work (i.e. benefits, troubleshooting, etc.), but are good enough to basically check for minimum qualifications on a resume and ask pre-canned questions. Not really alot of self-thinking on this, and my experience with recruiters are one or the other. They either send you all the wrong matches, or basically employment cock-block the people that might actually be good for the job.
• Gate Keepers? Or quick-hire-messer-uppers? - Many people have had the joy (aka punch in the nuts) experience of, when applying for a job, filling out an online application. Not just a quick, "what is your name, number, and attach your resume" function. Noooo. It's "please rebuild your resume from scratch for our convenience so we can easily put your information into our system" online process. F**k that. I'm not going to do your job by breaking my data up for your program. I'm applying for A job, so if you look at my resume and say "nope, not a good fit", fine. I'm good with that. But if you simply don't have time to pull up my resume rather than going to your over priced HRIS system to review me, then just go get bent. I know you bastards thought this was a good idea, but no, it's not.
• Forget Something Dumbass? - Being the "pre-programmed" screeners as they are, the questions I've experienced have ranged from lengthy, to shallow and pointless. But the one thing I have noticed is that recruiters have a baaaaaaad habit of doing their screening via telephone, and forgetting one of the most important elements of employment. The environmental fit. Just because some boner can answer your questions right, doesn't mean you're going to find the personality fit into your workplace. And having been on the receiving end of the results of a screener, I can tell you as a hiring manager I could do your job better simply looking at a resume and cover letter than you can.
• Job Postings - Again, typically with recruiters, I have seen some abominations what recruiters call job postings. First and foremost, yeah, you're an EEO employer. But posting "women and minorities encouraged to apply!" basically sh*ts all over pretty much white guys everywhere. Posting simply "EEO employer" is fine, but you don't even need to do that. It doesn't provide additional legal protection, and I think everyone knows, or at least assumes, that not hiring someone because of sex or ethnicity is illegal. Posting a subtle "white guys...piss off" isn't needed. We got that. Which moves on to my next issue.
• Really? You Want What? - Okay f**kers. Like I've ranted about before, you don't need to advertise that the potential candidate will be working in a "fun environment". That is not a benefit by any stretch of the imagination. And what's the opposite? What are you going to post? "On your first day, you'll be looking for a nice place to hang yourself from!" So for Gods sake, don't ask me to include something "wacky" or "fun" in my cover letter. Don't give me a f*cking chance to get "extra credit" by telling you what my favorite ice cream is (I'm lactose intolerant by the way you ass), because while it may seem fun, it actually makes you sound unprofessional and alittle lame. And a diversity statement? WTF is that? You want me to write a page about my experience with racial/ethical issues and what my standpoint is on it? Puhleez. I'm a white guy that grew up in a middle class neighborhood in Northern Idaho. But despite the fact that my hometown had A black guy and a handful of Asians, that doesn't mean I need to write an entire page that can be summed up by saying "discrimination is bad and illegal". Plus, asking me to write that kinda makes me think you already have some workplace discrimination sh*t going on already. And to quote Sweet Brown, "ain't nobody got time for dat!".
• The Canned Rejection Letters - I won't even rant about this, I'll simply answer thusly. 1) While you say you think I'm competitive, obviously I'm not competitive enough. 2) I HIGHLY doubt, although required, that you will keep my resume on file for 6 months to 1 year "just in case" a job happens to come along that I'm a match for, so don't even f**king waste the ink to say it. 3) Saying you wish me luck in my job search is like a cop saying "have a nice day" after giving you a ticket. It's condescending, and albeit an unwarranted shot in the nuts. A simple, "we're sorry, but you weren't selected for this position" works both functionally and legally.
• The Actual Rejection Call - Okay. From an HR standpoint, it's sometimes better to get crap in writing. Rejecting a candidate in writing is good for two reasons. Reason 1: documentation. We all know the road to HR Hell is not well paved with a trail of paperwork. Reason 2: when a job seeker gets a call back from a potential employer, only to have their hopes dashed by some snarky ass recruiter who feigns sympathy....well, that's right up there with the "have a nice day"/ticket scenario. Email me, or send me a letter, but don't call me.