Not This Noise Again

So, the big vacation with the brothers begins tomorrow. Once again the hassles of flying, however, my beef is never with the airports or security...it's usually with other passengers.

As my parents like to reflect back on a day where not everyone flew (i.e. trailor trash), and where people dressed up to go to the airport, those days are far gone now...in favor of crying children and uptight, yuppie d-bags that think we'll all be impressed in the fact that they've deployed their laptop and are already well into an Excel document when we pass by them in 1st Class.

I've sat next to the fatties, I've sat next to the crying children, and I've sat next to the hippie that should have bathed 4 days ago....compliments of the Army, I've built a thick wall of silent intolerence of these people....however, they're not my nemesis.

My nemesis are those people who think people should be allowed to use cell phones on a plane in mid flight. People like *this who believe that the safety of a few hundred people can be off set by their need to chat. And especially those people that wait like salivating dogs hungry for steak for the pilot to say that it's okay to use their cell phones. Only then do you hear 200+ cell phones popping open and passengers starting to give who-knows-who the play by play of where they are and what they're doing.

A close second are those people who are on their cell phones up until the very second before the flight begins and they usually end the conversation with "I'll call you when we get on the ground"...goodie...so I'll go ahead and chalk you up to another "we're here, I'm getting my bag from the overhead, I'm looking out side, I'm wearing blahblahblahblahblahblah".

Yep...can't wait.


*Editors Note: Had I been on that flight, the guy would have had to figure out how to turn his cell phone off from inside his rectum. 'Nuff said.

The Fail Of Two Cities

I've recently returned to work after another colossial failure with Comcast coming in and doing what could be described as a routine installation of cable. Just like all the other ones, the installation didn't go as it should have, leaving me needing to contact them through three different departments, to arrange yet another appointment to get things done. Awesome.

I would like to submit to you my arguement as to how the above listed video (Star Wars Kid 2.1) is just the same as Comcast.

They both think they're the greatest at what they do. They both fail to realize that skeptical people are watching from the outside. They don't realize that they're not dressed to fit the part of the role they are currently in. Based on what they have done, they will be ridiculed and mocked, but will not pay attention to said comments. Other people will identify how they could make their actions better, and will better them themselves.

The only pisser is, I like the Star Wars Kid. I hate Comcast.

Are You Shooting Nerf At Me?

Allow me to vent a moment about my fellow Halo players and something that's been bugging me for a while.

The first we all see when playing a multiplayer match with players 'round the world is your gamer tag. Beyond this, at least I, usually check the game stats of the players on both teams to figure out how much experience they have and what level they've reached.

But back to the gamertags. Look peoples...if you choose to have your gamer tag something akin to the ever smack talk example of "thab3sth4lokilla" or "HaloDestroyer", then you'd better be good..plain and simple. If you're the kind of person who get's negative scores consistantly though out the evening, or if you're the d-bag that drops out of a match, after it starts, you probably shouldn't have a gamer tag like "n00bdestroya" or "killbot1billion". Honestly, it just doesn't fit.

If you're going to play like a d-bag, just go ahead and spend the cash and change your gamertag to that. If not? No worries, it'll just make it that much more enjoyable to beat you in the game and give you a virtual tea-baggin' the likes of which no frat boy has ever seen.

My Ears Are Still Angry

Dear Bob,

I heard your song today at the gym, so I decided to look up Kathmandu and found out what it looks like. This apparently is what the place you want to go to so badly locks like. Kinda like Illinois with adobe type architecture and an financial institution based economy.

Bob, I think it's important to know that if you really want to go there, you should just go. Although I do value any persons aspirations, the fact that you decided to begin telling me about your aspirations at 5:15 am this morning at the gym, all the while I was grueling through my calisthenics, was not appreciated.

Listen, I don't care if you're going to Antartica to drill for a new source of energy...if you're deciding you need to share this with the world, please make the song shorter then 3 hours, and please do not tell me this at 5:15 in the morning. I won't remember, and 10 to 1, it'll probably just piss me off to know that apparently you're stuck in a place whereas prohibits you otherwise from getting on a plane, taking your crappy song, and going...to Kathmandu.

So in closing Bob, either just go, or shut the hell up. By the way, it's Kathmandu...with an h. Spelling! You're doing it wrong!

Hugs and snuggles,

Azurael

Food/Bar Service 101

Attention bars of Seattle! Alittle education on what everyone knows day one about the service industry as it pertains to alittle thing we call "turnover".

If you're a bar, and have limited space, and in limited space have limited tables....do not, I repeat, do not reserve said tables for three hours out for groups of 3 people. Do not put me in a position where I pay a cover fee, come into your tiny bar, and realize that I can't sit at a table because they've all been "reserved" for people who will arrive at 9 pm, despite the fact that it's currently 6:30 pm.

Hopefully you'll realize that in the time that those tables have remained empty and patrons are required to juggle a drink while standing, you could have shoveled three to four parties through that table and made waaaaay more money.

Unless you have $20 martini's on your drink list (which you may, because in Seattle, apparently all drinks are made with holy water), please don't think your establishment as so high end as to allow reservations of card-table sized seating areas. You're not special.

Are The Sodas $5.00 Here Too?

For lunch today, I joined a couple coworkers for my first experience with Dim Sum. In a nutshell, it was described to me as a family style buffet where carts of food are brought to you and you just let the waiter/waitress what you want or don't want off their cart.

I describe it more as this: pretend you're in a strip club, only instead of strippers, they're waitress with carts of unrecognizable food. They come around to your table and instead of dances, they offer you small plates or steamer baskets. And instead of knowing what you'll get if you agree to it, you usually get something wrapped in rice or tofu of which the contents are very unknown. Finally, as both at Dim Sum and a strip club, you are pretty much hounded to get more until you're waving the finalized bill at a waitress tapping out for mercy.

Dim sum is tasty, but it requires way to much concentration on my part.

I Left My Mind Reading Helmet At Home

Dear Over-The-Shoulder-Hovering-Type-A-Sublease-Agent,

Thank you for stopping by my office and informing me of my mistakes. I always take pride in my work and hate to know that I have short comings as a professional and as I represent my company.

Thank you for reminding me that the sublease which I spent three solid weeks berating Company executives to sign was incomplete. I appreciate that now, after potentially digging myself in a hole via bothering my bosses for that document, only now do you tell me that you needed six completely original signed copies. I'm appreciative of the fact that I now have to go back and let them know they need to perform additional printing/signing/mailing due to faith I put in you.

I guess I should accept complete fault for not pointing out in my Master's level classes in Human Resources that I really should have a few classes on real estate law and sublease legalities. Because everyone knows that I was going to be spearheading said sublease four years later.

And if I'd actually bothered to charge up my crystal ball while you were talking to you, maybe, just maybe, I could have figured out that you wanted six copies instead of one. Because taking into account the amount of stalking you've done for that one document, I should have predicted via Tarot cards that when you said/wrote/emailed "original signed sublease"...it should have read "original signed subleases".

Finally, I would like to apologize that I've never met a Sith lord from the Dark Side of the force. I've been so lax in my duties in HR that I've neglected not only Real Estate law, but also the Force. Had I actually gotten off my lazy a$$ and found a Sith Lord to emulate, I would have justified my existence by learning the ways of the Force, and finding strength, victory, and power through a passionate use of my hatred. Then, I would have lightning-blasted your a$$ Emperor-Palpatine-v.-Luke-Skywalker/Return-Of-The-Jedi Style so fast you'd have thunderclaps for farts.

I'll make you a deal. I'll forego the powers of the Force, and instead, if I get you the copies of the sublease you need, can I ask you for answers next time I have a question regarding COBRA continuation of qualifying events through the event of a mutual-company asset only purchase as it applies to employees in a post-employed, retroactive insurance situation?

Let me know you a$$hat!

Love, Azurael

Azurael's Top 5

So finally I've been able to whittle the choices of my celebrity "top 5" (where people settled on 5 being the magic number, I have no idea), and here are said choices from #5 to #1.

#5. Kate Beckinsale

-Very talented actress and massively gorgous to boot. The fact that she's a celebrity that acts with class and style is rare, plus she's been in three films wearing rubber and toting guns...'nuff said!


#4. Sharon Den Adel

- The lead singer of Within Temptation, this Dutch hottie has a powerful set of pipes and sings in a very awesome, hauntingly fashion.


#3. Charlize Theron

- I will not hold her responsible for the massive creative and overall failure of Aeon Flux because she has proved time and time again that she is a great actress, and usually is always flawless when in front of the camera.

#2. Amy Lee

- Originally #1 on the list, Amy was moved to #2 after having dated that tool from Seether. Besides this, Amy is still by and far one of the most talented voices I've heard, plus she has amazing eyes.

#1. Cristina Scabbia

- Lead singer of the Italian metal group Lacuna Coil, Cristina is the type of woman that could easily attend a formal evening event and look like she fell from Heaven. Andlater that night, drink Guinness for hours at the bar with you and join you for a puke fest in a back alley dumpster when you've had to much...this all of course after she started a bar fight just to work off some of the calories.

Gym...Not A Club

One of the fun and refreshing things about going to the gym is seeing how people appreciate the work they put into their bodies. Today, I'll focus on the unusal men.

For guys, I like to see how vain they are and how quick while lifting weights to stop and pose in the mirrors in the gym. These are the ones that I'm sure feel like they're being checked out by everyone in the gym, all the time. Creepy.

Beyond that, I like to see the guys that focus day after day on nothing but weight lifting for their arms and chest, but have an unusually large gut, because apparently they'd like to be really strong, but still die of a coronary a couple years down the road. Confusing.

Today, I saw the most unusual male attendee to the gym yet. A very short, hairy, squat guy that was wearing black sandals with white socks, pajama bottoms, a tiny grey tank top (enough to let ALOT of man fur show), and a fedora. Okay, I know I didn't feel a complete, instant feeling of confusion so I will reiterate....a FEDORA. Without pretty much any reserve, I actually announced within ear shot of more than a few patrons, "who the f**k wears a fedora to the gym???"

Seriously guys?

Don't Even Worry About My Blog Entry

Worry about how wrong this is on SOOOOO many levels....I wouldn't even know what I could write about to compete with this one.

Not Even A Pocket To Burn A Hole In

In financial news today, oil stock is still plunging (about damn time) while the markets are flying through the roof due to the announcement of gains by several large banking and investment firms.

If so, then why the hell is my Roth IRA still sinking like a lead rake??

Can't Shoot Down These Choppers

Much to my surprise today, I went to the dentist and ended up cavity free! Usually I sit there after the hygenist has gone over my teeth with the "fish hook on a stick" (thanks Steve), and as the dentist pokes through my mouth, says the horrible word "occlusion". So it was pretty much like winning the lottery,were I laying down after a middle age woman sodomized my mouth with sharp, metal instruments and then was told I'd won the lottery.

Beyond that, did my first and second Notarization today. Felt pretty good about the first one until I realized I biff it. So much for that "in-depth" online training. Sheesh. Instead of the awkward wording in old english of me attesting that someone signed something, it should just be a paragraph that says "Yep, he was here...check out both his and my signature".

I'm just saying.

Wonder What's Next

Found out yesterday that Oregon-B will be in town tonight and through the weekend. The instant I found this out, I was immediately excited, and conversely very tired.

Partying with him usually results with mixed drinks by 10 am, Jack in the Box by 1 pm, a rousing drinking game by 6pm, and the spins by 10pm.

I can already feel my liver recoiling in horror in this aspect. Well...should be a good time by all!

"And Tigrun Spelled Backwards Is Nurgit!"

Yeah...it's been that kind of day...

No, I Will Not Screw My Food

Rarely do I take issues with certain resturants and their claim to fame, but I found one today that just pissed me off.

For lunch, me and few co-workers went to a place called Salumi's, which apparently are renown in Seattle for their excellent sausage and so forth.

When I walked up on the place, I immediately noticed that the building was extremely skinny. The place where patrons could walk resembled that of a hallway on a nuclear sub. Two people could not stand shoulder to shoulder without be crushed up against either a wall or the counter. Secondly, the bizarre hours of being open 11am to 4 pm, Tuesday through Friday...seriously?

One thing to remember about people that grew up in the Seattle area is that food to them is another love. "Foodies" as they describe themselves, are people that are essentially snobbish about what they eat...(I guess that would make me a "Pornie"). The more abstract and bizarre an eatery is, apparently the more appeal (check out the "Salumi" link and scroll down at all the 5 stars).

I digress. So after wading my way through this hallway called a sandwich shop, I guess to the girl who takes my order. Asking me what I wanted on my salami sandwhich, I denied cheese (lactose intolerant) and I denied any peppers (had work today, not really a poopin' day). So in essance, all I got was a pile of greasy salami on a GIANT roll with what looked to be a thin spread of pesto. $10.

The funnier part is when I was asked if would be dine in or carry out. To the front of the store, there is a tiny table with two chairs (obviously taken)....then I look to my left and at the back end of the store is one three chair table (taken) and one 6 chair table (all but one chair is taken). "Seriously?" Last I checked, I'm not a huge fan of eating my meat on bread sandwich stuffed in a closet with a bunch of people who might bun-f*ck their food at any minute.

After I had the opportunity to sit (outside), I dug in...and sure enough...it was 90% bread, 10% salami...and it tasted like salami on bread.

If "fine dining" is like this, I'll stick to my ramen and cheese sticks.

Holy Crap....I'm Surrounded By A$$holes!

I'm going to stray away from my standard code of items I won't blog about to blog about the biggest atrocity, legal wise, I think I've seen in a very long time.

Make sure you're sitting, be far away from weapons, and read this News Article.

If you don't see anything wrong with it, please choke yourself now.

If you're blindly pissed off, please regain control, put the baseball bat down, wait for the flash of white hot rage to subside, and continue reading.

There is so much wrong with this article, I feel like a contestant on Supermarket Sweep, and I have no idea where the diaper isle is.

The town is actually "split" over the fact that this teacher not only refuses orders from his superiors, teaches creationism in the classroom....oh yeah, and burns students with a scientific instrument. Split?! There are people in that town that actually doubt he should have been fired? Let's dismantle the oxygen thieves waining arguments right now shall we?

How many times did I read this and read "freedom of religion" coming to his defense. Alright dumb asses, dust off your education caps because we're going to step back to the First Amendment. There is no confusion over this amendment (unlike the "supposed" confusion over the Second Amendment...but I'll cover that later). The First Amendment does not grant Freedom of Religion to all, it prevents the establishment or favoring of one religion over another by a governmental authority.

Secondly, if this meatball did teach creationism in his classroom, why the hell didn't the students stage an uprising? I remember my peers in High School would produce burning torches and pitchforks out of thin air if anything religion related reared it's head at any time. Had he tried to teach creationism at my school, he would have gotten two words about before at least 5-10 stoners would have thrown a beaker of sulfuric acid at his noodle and yelled "get f**ked!"

Authors Note: If you haven't already guessed, I'm against teaching creationism in schools. School is for learning such things as processes and empirical wisdom. It's not a place to teach stuff that isn't education...creationism isn't education, sports is not education....and for that matter, "music appreciation" is a huge joke.

Finally, there's a matter of 3-8 (three to eight? How do they not have a firm number?) students having crosses burned into their arm. Enter the defense "they're not crosses, they're X's"...enter my disgust for complete morons "they're still burned into their arms, and still by your equipment".

I never thought that half of a town could be stricken by stupidity, but I guess dumb multiplied by 100 is just too much dumb.

"I'm Gonna Need Energy To Blow Sh*t Up..."

Another 4th of July has come and gone, and I find my desire to participate dwindling every year.

One of my brothers pointed out years ago that its amazing how people will piss and moan about prices of movies that usually run about an hour and a half, but they'll pay $30 for an object that shoots in the air and explodes. So 90 minutes of entertainment isn't worth $10, but 5 seconds of entertainment is worth $30 and up? Hmm...indeed.

Attended a luau for a coworker this year, ate long-time cooked pig, and had the beejeezus shook out of me as their neighbors began lighting off M-80's in the street (as always without warning).

I think I blame my complete apathy towards fireworks back to the Army. Once you've blown something up with a Claymore Mine, everything else just seems to pale in comparison.

My Nightmares Weigh Three Metric Tons

BBW - Ironically close to the term "BBQ", I first discovered this terminology a loooong time ago when I was peddling porn in the bathrooms in Junior High (don't worry, I too was in Junior High at the time).

The term means "big beautiful woman", however, just like a bacon, cheese, and peanut butter sandwich, one of those words has to go.

Know I'm well aware of fetishism. I've written copious amounts of research proposals on them for college and honestly, I watch a crap ton of Internet porn. And beyond those that have an insane fetish for fat ladies, I wouldn't know any normal person who would say that any gigantic chick could be "beautiful".

Yes I know, "they have a beautiful face"...blah blah blah. Unfortunately, the head only equals roughly 2-4% of the average body weight. And to top that one off, faces don't make up for the fact that you could literally stuff a doughnut under a roll of flab and leave it be for weeks at a time.

This deviates from my normal rant against all people, because I need to focus in on those that are seriously obese and think they're sexy. Some women might argue that men have the same mindset....I would say different. When a guy is fat, he doesn't hit on skinnier, more attractive women because he thinks he's grade A. He does it because he's disillusioned about how nasty he is. Is this acceptable? No. Do I defend fat guys acting like they're weight lifters in their early 20's? Absolutely not.

Women, or these self-proclaimed "BBW's" if you will, know they're fat, and just commit to thinking they're attractive anyway. Every time I hear the "I'm happy with who I am and how I look", I just want to get on a bus full of 6th graders, tie a sock around my eyes, and start swinging like hell...just to get the rage out. I can only imagine classic denial is what makes these women think they're attractive, all the while generating pump fat and wearing 30 lbs. of jewelry.

To all the BBW's out there, you're not attractive. I don't care if your face can end wars and cure disease, you're not attractive. From a regular guy's standpoint, you're too damn fat. From an evolutionary standpoint, you're not built for survival nor breeding. From a frequent traveler standpoint, I don't want to sit next to you on the bus/train/plan. And from a Human Resource professional, you're "beauty" is driving up health care costs for us skinny people.

Want to feel good? GO TO THE GYM.

Dust Apparently Floats Faster Then I Thought

I went to bed last night at 9:15 because I was really tired, then failed to get up for the gym this morning because I was so comfortable in bed. This was after I took a bath to soak my achy legs from my workout yesterday.

I had fish for dinner last night, and chicken for dinner tonight.

It's official, I am now old.

Bugger....