Recruiters....I Hate You.

fig. 1-1 Not related to this post, but found it

when I Googled "I hate corporate recruiters".

 In my current quest to obtain employment, I'm constantly reminded how much I hate the hiring and the corporate hiring process. Recruiters specifically are the ones I am not a huge fan of. The following points submitted to you as follows (in standard Mechanical Escape bullet format...booyah.)

• Bottom Feeders - Recruiters are considered "HR professionals" despite the fact they do little more than what a trained monkey can do. Not good enough to get into actual HR work (i.e. benefits, troubleshooting, etc.), but are good enough to basically check for minimum qualifications on a resume and ask pre-canned questions. Not really alot of self-thinking on this, and my experience with recruiters are one or the other. They either send you all the wrong matches, or basically employment cock-block the people that might actually be good for the job.
• Gate Keepers? Or quick-hire-messer-uppers? - Many people have had the joy (aka punch in the nuts) experience of, when applying for a job, filling out an online application. Not just a quick, "what is your name, number, and attach your resume" function. Noooo. It's "please rebuild your resume from scratch for our convenience so we can easily put your information into our system" online process. F**k that. I'm not going to do your job by breaking my data up for your program. I'm applying for A job, so if you look at my resume and say "nope, not a good fit", fine. I'm good with that. But if you simply don't have time to pull up my resume rather than going to your over priced HRIS system to review me, then just go get bent. I know you bastards thought this was a good idea, but no, it's not.
• Forget Something Dumbass? - Being the "pre-programmed" screeners as they are, the questions I've experienced have ranged from lengthy, to shallow and pointless. But the one thing I have noticed is that recruiters have a baaaaaaad habit of doing their screening via telephone, and forgetting one of the most important elements of employment. The environmental fit. Just because some boner can answer your questions right, doesn't mean you're going to find the personality fit into your workplace. And having been on the receiving end of the results of a screener, I can tell you as a hiring manager I could do your job better simply looking at a resume and cover letter than you can.
• Job Postings - Again, typically with recruiters, I have seen some abominations what recruiters call job postings. First and foremost, yeah, you're an EEO employer. But posting "women and minorities encouraged to apply!" basically sh*ts all over pretty much white guys everywhere. Posting simply "EEO employer" is fine, but you don't even need to do that. It doesn't provide additional legal protection, and I think everyone knows, or at least assumes, that not hiring someone because of sex or ethnicity is illegal. Posting a subtle "white guys...piss off" isn't needed. We got that. Which moves on to my next issue.
• Really? You Want What? - Okay f**kers. Like I've ranted about before, you don't need to advertise that the potential candidate will be working in a "fun environment". That is not a benefit by any stretch of the imagination. And what's the opposite? What are you going to post? "On your first day, you'll be looking for a nice place to hang yourself from!" So for Gods sake, don't ask me to include something "wacky" or "fun" in my cover letter. Don't give me a f*cking chance to get "extra credit" by telling you what my favorite ice cream is (I'm lactose intolerant by the way you ass), because while it may seem fun, it actually makes you sound unprofessional and alittle lame. And a diversity statement? WTF is that? You want me to write a page about my experience with racial/ethical issues and what my standpoint is on it? Puhleez. I'm a white guy that grew up in a middle class neighborhood in Northern Idaho. But despite the fact that my hometown had A black guy and a handful of Asians, that doesn't mean I need to write an entire page that can be summed up by saying "discrimination is bad and illegal". Plus, asking me to write that kinda makes me think you already have some workplace discrimination sh*t going on already. And to quote Sweet Brown, "ain't nobody got time for dat!".
• The Canned Rejection Letters - I won't even rant about this, I'll simply answer thusly. 1) While you say you think I'm competitive, obviously I'm not competitive enough. 2) I HIGHLY doubt, although required, that you will keep my resume on file for 6 months to 1 year "just in case" a job happens to come along that I'm a match for, so don't even f**king waste the ink to say it. 3) Saying you wish me luck in my job search is like a cop saying "have a nice day" after giving you a ticket. It's condescending, and albeit an unwarranted shot in the nuts. A simple, "we're sorry, but you weren't selected for this position" works both functionally and legally.
• The Actual Rejection Call - Okay. From an HR standpoint, it's sometimes better to get crap in writing. Rejecting a candidate in writing is good for two reasons. Reason 1: documentation. We all know the road to HR Hell is not well paved with a trail of paperwork. Reason 2: when a job seeker gets a call back from a potential employer, only to have their hopes dashed by some snarky ass recruiter who feigns sympathy....well, that's right up there with the "have a nice day"/ticket scenario. Email me, or send me a letter, but don't call me.