The Wheel's Going To Get Alot Faster

fig. 1-1 Gross.....

  I'm not exactly sure what triggered this rant. Maybe because I haven't been on an actual date in ages, or maybe because all of my friends are married and no longer have ownership of their balls. What I DO know is that sappy, lovey dovey relationships is shit that needs to remain in High School. With a national divorce rate of 50%, I'm pretty sure that marrying out of "love" and without a firm basis of friendship is what's screwing people over left and right.

  I've been pondering about men, women, and couples, and what pisses me off the most to hear, and while I can't exactly lump them into any current theme, I have come up with this.

   You fail miserably at life if:

- You're married and you refer to your wife as "wifey".

- You're married and you refer to your husband as "hubby".

- Regardless of sexual orientation, you refer to your significant other as "partner". (Seriously, you're in a relationship, not a dance competition....)

- Anyone that refers to A baby as just "baby". As in, "this formula is safe for baby's tummy".

- For that matter, if you use the term tummy...anytime. Fuck that's weird.

- You use baby talk. Ever. Pets. Children. EVER.

- You have a wedding photo somewhere in your house of you sticking your tongues down each other's throats at the alter.

- You have a picture of both of your hands together to show off your engagement/wedding rings.

- You post sonogram photos ANYWHERE. (It looks like Doppler Radar, and nobody cares)

- You post pictures of a pregnant stomach anywhere (like it's the first time it's happened in the history of humanity)

- You have a post-birth picture of either of you kissing a baby's head. 

- You have any post-birth pictures (i.e. someone in a hospital gown doing something with a baby).

- You seriously done fucked up if you have a video of your live birth. (No, it's not a miracle. No, it's not beautiful. It's gross.)

- You think pregnant women are sexy. (Which I still contend men say only because they probably get more nookie from their frigid wives because during this time their hormones are off the charts).

- You're militantly against childhood vaccinations.

- You're militantly against spanking.

- You're militantly for breastfeeding, and believe it's okay to do in public. (The "its natural" arguement doesn't work. Under that logic, I'm free and able to take a massive dump in the middle of the park in daylight).

- You post anything on Facebook reference to your Anniversary with something to matter of "On this day last (x) years, I met the love of my life and argle bargle bargle!" (Again, nobody gives two shits...remember? 50%?)

- You have a destination wedding to the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt.

Okay, I could keep going, but I'll stop for now. That list should be sufficient enough to piss off enough couples. Good gravy, being single doesn't suck some times.