And Jesus Wept....

  Still on the job hunt and no dice whatsoever.....shocking. I have, however, had the chance to meet with two fellow ex-coworkers from my previous employer. I noticed, in talking with them, that at any point in our discussion about our terminations....they never referred to it as "being fired" or what not, but rather just flat out called it "getting fucked over".

Hmmm....yeah, that's about right.

  As the job hunt dredges on, I haven't found myself to the point of desperation where I'll sell out for minimum wage and work a shit job in the hopes of getting promoted up the food chain quickly. That being said, I've had some wacky inspirations to return to the workforce in the following ways:

• Join the French Foreign Legion (although my High School French is a bit spotty, I hear those guys'll take anyone....although I would kindly decline the French citizenship that comes with it...because...well fuck, it's France.)

• Teach English over in Eastern Europe (although my classic combination of the hatred of people, lack of overseas travelling experience, and getting paid in who know's what currency doesn't excite me)

• Become a private security member aka a mercenary (although I already did submit my application a few days ago and am waiting a reply. I absolutely cu-uh-rushed the minimum qualifications but I'm sure I need to be fluent in Sanskrit or have 2 years accounting or something...blah)

• Move to Amsterdam and become a jelly bean farmer (however, I can't take credit for this idea as I believe it belongs to the late Mitch Hedberg, the best stand-up comic of all time....but growing jelly beans? Hmmm, onto something there)

   While I continue the horrific job of applying to a million jobs and not hearing shit, there is one thing I really am growing tired of hearing from friends and family.

   "You have to stay positive."

   No the FUCK I don't. I have nothing to stay positive about. I worked my ass off for three years in a shitty non-profit organization that tossed me out on my hump without so much of a how-do-ya-do, but meanwhile other people who don't deserve jobs are still getting them, or some type of messed up frontier equilibrium. The former athletic director (this ass clown) who let his coach beat on basketball players is getting a golden parachute, an iPad, and all sorts of goodies for not doing his job. Boeing narrowly avoided a strike (fucking AGAIN) at a time when planes are melting apart in the sky. And slow-mo's like Honey Boo Boo, the Kardashian's, and Lindsey God-damn Lohan are making more money than you or I will ever see in our lifetimes for being absolute dumpster fires. 

    While I have a bad habit of blogging as though I have a drunken clown kicking me repeatedly in the shin, I'm not dumping this into my resume cover letter (although I will after a certain point), and I certainly don't make half the mistakes in job interviews I've seen as a hiring manager. Somehow, everytime I hear "you have to stay positive", I think people think my cover letters are skin to something like:

Dear Hiring Manager (or retarded excuse for a recruiter),

   I found your over demanding, underpaying job on (insert bullshit job board here) and I figured I might as well apply. 

   

    While I do possess significantly more education and experience than you are requesting, I'm guessing you'll probably hate the font or pitch of my resume and set it aside. While I can assure you that I have the experience, I can also assure you that the fact that I don't have experience using Microsoft Sharepoint will not hinder me to do the job you could pay a reasonably trained monkey in bananas to do. 

    While I notice you make up for shit pay with such interesting benefits as a "casual work environment", I am more interested in the fact that you stressed that women and minorities are encouraged to apply. Gee whiz, that means you must be completely focused on diversity, and not at all overcompensating most likely to a previous lawsuit your corporation encountered in inappropriate hiring conduct.

    Anywho, you should probably go ahead and give me the job, or not...whateve. At least this counts for one of my three job contacts required to collect unemployment for the week.

Azurael 

   I'm close to that...not yet, but close!