I'll Be Back....

...I always come back....

WTF*CK PALIN??

With an undergrad in CJ, I take personal offense against the following viewed inability of a possible VP candidate to name at least one other court decision made by the Supreme Court (ESPECIALLY EXXON SHIPPING COMPANY V. BAKER...effects Alaska? Governor?? *Want a pisser? Go to the very bottom of the blog...) at a moments notice.

Watch with disbelief as Palin tap dances around the question and some how goes back to the only court decision she knows. Big hint there oh exalted leader of Alaska....as a leader, you look better when you say you don't know, then try to b.s. around the subject.

And for the record...this is the worst tap dancing I've seen...even after my experience dealing with criminals...



Hmmm...reminds me of someone else who can answer a question....who could that be?
(pssst...for the answer...see below...)




Palin! Yeah...apparently you weren't as disappointed back in June when this came out...

A Definate Arguement For Soylent Green

Just when I thought crazy cat ladies were going to be the model citizen to make me completely disregard how intelligent our society is, something worse comes along.

Grown-a$$ adults that apparently still play with dolls, even into their 60's.

Seriously.....

Holy Crap...My Brothers Were Right

Ladies and Gentlemen...the reason I'm turning away from American metal music....

....oh, and Metallica...GET ON THE F**KING WHEEL.

The Duggar Horde, On The Wheel!

MSN posted today that the Duggar horde has announced the gender of their 18th which immediately had me fighting back waves of nausea and screaming "we don't care!" in the vain attempt that it might actually break the link to the news article.

In light of the fact that our stock market is sinking like a lead rake, I'm confused as to who at the news organization thinks this is something newsworthy, if not even a slap in the face. Your average family with a NORMAL number of children is probably somewhat financially floundering, I'm all together unclear how this alien breed machine keeps firing infantile salvos out of her baby cannon. Gross.

I've addressed their human collection before, but the continual and unnecessary press is pretty much forcing my hand.

Will the family that cannot keep from crapping out kids please put down the fertility pills and get on the wheel!!

TFGIFF

I may have posted this before, but I don't care...it's worth it...and it's been along week so bluntly, I'm going to be CHEST DEEP in internet porn, Xbox, and Booooooze.

(ugh....and homework)

These Scales Are F**king Broken!

Okay....now apparently the justice system will love you if you have children:

Case #1 - A woman who was arrested for 1st Degree murder for killing her husband, who was convicted of Voluntary Manslaughter apparently is allowed to have her kids. Let me type this again just incase the stupidity is too hard to eat (which it is for most intelligent beings). A woman, who shot her husband, in the back, by "accident" has been given full custody of her kids. What? Not just what, I mean f**king WHAT? Really?? If you're going to throw down the fact that she suffered "years of mental and emotional abuse" that lead her to "accidently" killing her husband, that sh*t just doesn't go away when the victimizer does. Had the genders been reversed, this b.s. never would have happened.

Case #2 - A woman who spent 32 years on the lam, became a mother (which the article points out alot), and got arrested received no additional time in jail for a jail break. The article prattles on about how she's been "a good person" and lead a "productive life" (I still disagree that having children in and of itself is "productive") and honestly, I don't give a rats a$$ that she has "three children at home that need her"). No no no. She's an escaped felon that has a jail cell that needs her. Again, I've read countless articles where escaped convicts (mostly men, as it goes with statistics) who get caught ages down the road usually get additional time. Despite the fact that she's been living fraudulently (hmmm, no charges for that either??), apparently she's allowed a pass because she's been keeping her nose clean (not because she wanted to be a good person, but probably because it's easier to not get caught when you're not screwing up).

WTF!

Awesomely Bizarre Day

"As I lie in bed each morning and ask myself why I should put both my feet on the floor there are precious few reasons I've been able to come up with. Chance ... Scotch. It's too early to drink but people it is never to early to think about it..."

I now understand the power of this quote, too bad I hate scotch.

Back To College....Mode....

So the economy is completely in the toilet, my company is undergoing some procedural changes that may or may not leave me with employment, and I'm heading back to school. I guess when it rains, it floods. Talk about lining up all the planets for a personal-finance disaster.

In the process of saving money, I find myself staying home more on the weekends, no more $100 bar tabs at crazy local watering holes, and all the ramen/frozen burritos I can eat.

Everytime I start to feel bad where I am fiscally, I remember that both of my brothers are still ear deep in debt due to piles of student loans they're still paying off. At least Uncle Sugar came through on one thing from my time in the military!

Random Music Video!

Within Temptation - What Have You Done

Walkin' Down The Avenue...Two More Years And We'll Be Through

I've gone and done it. I've registered for classes that begin next Monday to begin a two year A.A. degree in Deaf Studies. This is the only thing I could pull up at the moment, but hopefully I can make it work for me.

It's not the fact that I have three degrees and am going back to school that bugs me, it's the fact that I took a math/english test to confirm that I have college level math/english skills. Let's look at the scores shall we?

Pre-Algebra: 87% (Waaaay better then my High School grades)

Reading Comprehension: 98% (VERY suprising seeing as how I hate to read)

Writing Comprehension: 69% (VERY suprising seeing as how I write...alot)

Oh well...it could be worse....I could be signing up for American Sign Language courses and still have a broken pinky.

The Doc Isn't Here Yet.....

I am not a man that knows anything about cars, carshows, or what the difference between a V6 and a V4 inline is...but I do know this.

Were I ever to get a car and pimp it out, it would be a DeLorean....I mean seriously....who else has one of these things?

The System Is Down

So what happens when you've completed everything on your checklist of things to do in an HR job?

You start reading caselaw about all the "exciting" new judgements made by higher courts as they apply to such wonderous topics like Title VII, FLSA, Sexual Harassment, and much, much more!

I'm curious to know if there is an HR position anywhere in the United States that some how incorporates the excessive use of fire, juggling seals, or high grade beef products. Why you ask? Because anything tossed into this snooze fest would at least be something.

Plan For The Worst

Another video where I was amazed at the epic fail involved.

However, it does remind me of winter, which I can't wait to get here because I'm tired of living in a scorching apartment because the powers that be decided long ago that "Seattle never gets hot enough to install central air into an apartment building".

Whatever!

Dammit

It's finally sunk in that I have to go back to school.

How Can This Be?

I have absolutely nothing on my mind worth remembering, talking about, ranting about, or joking about.

I apparently really need to get out of the house more....

The Almight Dolla Dolla Bill Ya'll

There are days that I feel like I need to take a shower when I get home at work. Why you ask? Because some companies are motivated purely by the higher profit.

Unfortunately today is no different. Ugh. What I'd give to be back in the Army sleeping in the dirt for weeks on end.

The Universe Have Spoken

I would buy Daniel Simpson (assailant) breakfast at Denny's for this fine night's work.

Kudos to the Noel Gallagher pusher, you're the man!

Daniel Simpson, the "Oasis-truly-eats-a-bag-of-dicks-and-I'm-not-gonna-stand-for-it-anymore" hero.

MTV Is Dead To My Generation

I've checked around the Blogosphere, and I can't really find where any one from my generation is calling it, so I'm calling it. MTV...you have failed miserably as the "counterculture" of television programming, and I'm declaring you lame. So lame that I'd punch out your stupid moon man on the sidewalk out of sheer anger and crap in his oxygen tank.

The reason I'm tossing the gauntlet down was brought to a head over the past 72 hours where I couldn't watch tv on several channels because they had one of those awesome ads that hangs out on your tv screen during your entire show, and takes up approximately 1/5th of the screen. Constantly reminding us that the VMA's are coming up and who all is going to perform at it. Woo hoo. Can I please watch tv on VH1 and not be reminded of the VMA's that will be shown on MTV (VH1...you f**king sell outs).

As predicted, the VMA's were "stolen" by Britney Spears, most likely after her wrist-cutting performance at last years show. This is MTV not only trying to make nicey-nice and saving her from imploding due to piles of self doubt and epic failure, but also MTV exec's attempting to craft her as the 100 to 1 odd comeback marvel that she will inevitably fail to become...because she still nuts, she not jail bait any more, and she's a horrible parent.

As for the "host" (aka Dr. Epic British Fail) Russell Brand. This no talent hack only confirmed that what they find funny in Britain, is not, by any stretch of the imagination, drunk or not, high or not, insane or not, funny in the absolute least. At top of the fact that he openly pronounced that he was going to sodomize a teenage boy band, the dude looks like a drag queen with 5 o clock shadow. He thinks he's funny, but he's actually just a walking, breathing tribute to every joke that man has told and screwed up the punch line, since the beginning of time. Get on the wheel Russell! You're f**king clown shoes!

And MTV....ah yes MTV...the bastion for such "gems" (aka giant heaving piles of hateful insults to humanities purpose for being) like Tila Tequila, The Hills, My Super Sweet 16, Next, and Making the Band....it's funny to think that this channel initially started with the intent to support music for the generation that's empowering it. Now the audience they're targeting probably doesn't know what "MTV" stands for, nonetheless what it used to represent. No dumb blondes attempting to look good on reality shows back in the day, nor (fake) lesbians holding "who's the biggest whore contest" on MTV (yes Tila, I'm talking about you, you human hand wash), and definitely no Road Rules/Real Life crap. They should just go ahead and change the name to RTV (R=reality) and stop the lie. Matt Pinfield should start his own channel...that's the only guy that still has some spine from that group.

I can remember shortly after MTV began it's horrific zombie transformation over from all music to all reality shows. It had some snippy commercial that said "If you want music videos, you still have MTV2, so stop your whining". Hmm....okay children...let's go down that road shall we?

The History of MTV2 is a rather abrupt one, and as you'll see if you click on that link that it was infected rather quickly by the same rating grubbing d-bags that run MTV. Music videos on MTV2 you say? Well, let me just click over to MTV2's site and check the channel listings for today.....hmm, From G's to Gents, Run's House, Rob and Big, a 2 hour block of Pimp My Ride, then back to more G's to Gents. Bravo! This is where I can find all my music video needs...oh wait...the "Elite 8" is on from 7 to 8 pm....I guess that's the music videos they were talking about.

My hatred of MTV/MTV2 is anchored in my same hatred of such things like why Disney now has commercials (that's right kids, it didn't used to), or why there's commercials before the movies at the theatres....or even why when I'm reading a news article on MSN and a giant half screen ad pops up and I can't find the "close" icon so I'm forced to see how great some car I'll never buy is.....it's all about chasing the dollar. Now I know that businesses are entitled to make a profit, I got that....but if you're built to waive the flag of the non-conformist age group (MTV), when you go and sell your soul to crappy but highly viewed shows, you're cashing in your credability. When you go and advertise on a rival station (VH1...you a$$ clowns), you're REALLY suck.

I guess I could draw this beating to a close in saying the Video Music Awards are hosted by MTV every year...but in order to have this awards, don't you have to play music videos? Or are back-to-back episodes of The Hills supposed to do that for us?

F**king sell outs.

Social Networking, You're Doing It Wrong

In flipping through random profiles on MySpace and FaceBook, I've noticed things that probably shouldn't piss me off, but the inevitably do anyway, and I'm sure most people in my situation can agree.

Loosely, I would submit the following as being completely moronic to have regarding your pictures on your social networking site:

- If you've cropped out someone from your picture using Microsoft Paint, please re size the image. I find it disturbing to see what should be a 5x7 picture, but I only see your head in the very upper left inch of the screen.

- If you have a kid, and there are more pictures of your kid solo on your networking page then you, you're a total loser.

- Same rule with pets. Once to two picture of your pet(s) is acceptable. Anything beyond that, including various captions as if the animal were talking, we'll you might as well buy 40 more cats/dogs because you've become that person.

- Ladies, if you're standing back-to-back with another girl in the picture and you're hold up imaginary guns, please punch yourself in the face right now. That crap got old 10 years ago. Seriously, I remember it from college.

- I really don't need to talk about what I call "MySpace" angles, but I will. If you are taking a picture of your self, and the angle-to-floor ratio becomes 45 degrees or more (i.e. the camera is above you shooting down at a diagonal angle) you've taken a "MySpace" angle...which means you're a fat pile of crap and you're attempting to capture what you believe your only redeeming quality is: for the men it would be their face...maybe a giant bicep. And for women, obviously their face/wild hair style (to draw focus away from the FAAAAT), and their giant boobs.

- Camera phone + flash + mirror = bright shining light with legs. Have someone take it for you.

- You probably should refrain putting pictures of yourself on your own social page drunk and passed out over a toilet. Save that for someone else to do it for you.

- Girls, no more "head-tilt touching-head" shots with your friends. Only the Olsen twins do that, and it's creepy.

- Guys, no more profile pictures showing your enormous beer guts. For all that is holy, have some modesty and suck it in or something.


I'm sure there's more, but this is a start. Once everyone on MySpace and Facebook can adhere to these rules, I'll figure out what's wrong next.

False Motivation Is My Quick Sand

This is making fun of the unholy poster sets called "Successories". Believe it or not, there isn't one building on any Army installation anywhere that isn't littered with this ineffective bull crap. I'm not sure how the people that make motivational propaganda sleep at night knowing that they're catering to a very small, very spineless section of the population.

Okay, I can see having this in certain Army installation. It would be to target brand new recruits...you know, the kind that are fresh out of High School that are still very influential to outside sources.

I do not see this being around anyone that's over the age of 21 and has a brain, anywhere. Think about this...pretend you're an employer and you're looking to hire an applicant that is going to be placed into a stress intensive job (errr...putting the whole "Army" and "war" thing aside...but still keeping it in sight). Are you going to want an employee who is unaffected by outside influences and draws on internal strength and insight for motivation? Or do you want an employee who is motivated by some industry generated (not from classical thinkers like Nietzsche or Plato) quotations plastered against some hotel-grade art or $9.95 coffee mug?

I'm just sayin...

Where Idle Minds Seem To Wander

This is pretty much what is on repeat in my head on slow days.

Moment Of Silence For Don LaFontaine

I've long been pondering putting in a memoriam section for those individuals who pass away that I have great respect for, and I didn't honestly see the first one go to Don LaFontaine, the King of Hollywood Voice Overs.

As corny as some might say, Don is a legend in my universe. This is literally a guy almost all of us have grown up with. True, maybe not in a hero type role, or as a role model...but someone that can immediately spark thousands of memories at the instant sound of his voice.

Five thousand movie trailers in a 33 year career, this guy is world renown for his voice. To think that his voice was so awesome, that he was both a celebrity from it, and lived off it.


It's very unfortunate that people as unique as this step off our worldly plain so quickly, but at least on the brighter side, he's just started on his career of being a Hollywood epic, and completely unmatched by anyone else.

Hats off to you Mr. LaFontaine....the movies will be a bit more bleak in the future.

To the epic voice over hero, Don LaFontaine.

Crappy Directors, On The Wheel!

(D-bag 1: Jason Friedberg & D-bag 2: Aaron Seltzer)

The first to be ordered to the wheel are these two total-hack-no-talent-a$$-clowns that have been the directors of the mega-fail films "Epic Movie", "Date Movie", "Meet The Spartans", and the soon to come "Disaster Movie"(I didn't hyper link these because I don't want their crap to receive any hits on IMDB, because they fail that bad).

These morons, that apparently received their training in film and arts from a quarter machine at their local grocery store, are notorious for creating such crap to deprive innocent movie goers of their precious lives, in 1.5 hour increments. They are literally killing people by placing them into an absolute stupor when these innocent people watch their films. Despite the fact that they tout their own comedy as being clever and witty and blah blah blah, they're seriously only funny in their own minds. They're literally about as funny as the guy that tells you a joke, then after you laugh, decides he wants to describe to you, in lengthy detail, the punchline.

I've have been dumb enough to see Date Movie and Meet The Spartans. Only twice in my life have I felt not only robbed of my admission money, but also a little bit dumber after seeing a movie, and these were both of those movies. I'm not sure where these idiots get the financial backing for what they believe to be comedy, or whether the scripts are actually reviewed, but someone is pissing a lot of money away on nothing. In watching these films, they make no attempt at subtle humor, or at humor at all for that matter. Even when I was in 7th grade, I wouldn't have found their comedy funny in the least. And I'll be honest, toilet humor slays me....that's what makes their cinematic diarrhea even worse.

I was horrified to see that Meet The Spartans hit over $18 million at the box office when it opened. But then I thought if people were able to get refunds for a movie seriously blowing, it probably would have been more about $4.25 for that one seriously mental retarded kid sitting in the back row with his chair facing the wall of the theatre chewing on his own face....he would have enjoyed the film.

As a testament to humanities future, I will be watching the box office for how this movie goes. If it sinks down the crapper (as it should, read the reviews for their other cinematic travesties on IMDB), then my faith in humanity will be restored. If it tacks over $10 million, I will become even more jaded with the human race, and after the crap these meatball directors put out, I'm not sure that's possible.

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer: Your "movies" (and by "movies", I mean "visual vomit with cameo appearances of Carmen Electra") are not funny. They will never will be funny. You are horrible, horrible directors, and should be banned from Hollywood, even Bollywood, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Put the damn camera down and get on The Wheel!

Welcome To The Wheel List

I'd like to introduce a new segment to the blog called "The Wheel List". Allow me to explain.

A very looooong time ago, I talked about an invention I thought up called the wheel.

Basically, this invention in a nut shell is a giant horizontal wheel thats attached to a giant turbine beneath every major city in the world. The wheel (looking like the one Conan was forced to push around to grind corn) will allow up to 100+ people a day to get on the thing and just push it around in a circle. This will in turn create a giant, unending supply of energy for the cities of the world.

Who will push said wheel you ask? Only the bums and worthless people of society. As I see it, there are people in this world that do nothing to help humanity grow richer and stronger. Hell, some even take us back a few clicks. They would most likely consist of people that have very low educations, no jobs, or simply no purpose for breathing other then to steal oxygen from other people (cough cough Paris Hilton).

The wheel pushers would be locked under ground and their case would be reviewed every two years. While assigned to the wheel, they would live off a constant dies of blueberry pancakes and milk, twice a day.

As wacky as it sounds, the wheel to me represents a wild insult. To know that you are so useless to humanity, you're essentially replacing what a river could do. You're sole purpose for being is to make the power so I can clean my teeth at night with a water pic, or fire up my laptop to watch porn. You have proven to be SO disposable that all you should really do in life is make renewable resources while living on a staple diet of dairy and carbs.

I argued as to what to name my new "hall of shame"...things like "PWND" and "Azurael's b*tch list" crossed my mind, but what says it better then the wheel? To simply sigh, shake my head, and yell "get on the wheel!!".

This, ladies and gents, is the Wheel List. And those who fail so bad at life that they are ordered onto the wheel, will forever be my b*tch....in spirit of course.

The Skys Outside Are Darker

Suddenly my desk feels so much safer, unfortunately (and oddly enough), not something I've ever truly wanted out of a job.

In my past experience, I've found jobs to be more rewarding if there is some level of risk associated with it. Not to say that I'm sure construction workers or smelter employees feel a greater sense of accomplishment at the end of each work day, I'm just saying that when the worst thing you're looking at in your workplace is a paper cut or an errant staple into soft tissue, it might have the potential to be a dull job.

I think to mitigate the fact that I work in a vanilla, cozy padded office environment, I'll have the employees line up every morning so I can run through a gauntlet of swinging baseball bats...that'll get my morning off to a start.

This Seriously Isn't Butter Is It?

This weekend was a consumer's delight as I did an unusual amount of shopping consolidated to one Saturday afternoon.

The highlight beyond foraging for bulk amounts of food in the unending isles of Costco was visiting a dollar store with the intent on loading up on items instead of going in there just for gift giving supplies. This is where it went wrong.

Beyond supplies that you know will work (i.e. party supplies, cleaning supplies, tape, etc), I would seriously advise against dollar stores as this is where the saying "you get what you pay for" was invented from.

There are only two items that are seriously a dollar value when it comes to utility. I submit the following:

- Do not buy paper towels. I've never seen a roll of really wide, single-ply toilet paper being mislabeled as paper towels until the dollar store. Even the perforations don't even work, which means when you go to tear off a sheet, you end up tearing a strip off that goes all the way around the roll. It would be easier just to fashion this thing as a giant, one use sponge.

- Never buy shaving razors at the dollar store. I don't even want to go into my thinking behind this one. True, I have what I believe to be a very high pain tolerance, but when it comes to ripping out every whisker hair out of my face, I'm not down. Yes, I know...buying razors at the dollar store. I've never actually thrown away a razor and 4 razor heads before even using them, but there's a first time for everything. And this one cost me a buck.

Almost Too Late For A Reprieve

After an almost surreal week of covering for the absence of a coworker that was recently laid off, it's good to know the weekend is finally here.

The bandaid for a weird and painful week you ask? Sushi, booze, gym, Xbox, and more booze.

Suuuhweet.

Food Still Cometh

I've almost officially run out of food so it's getting back to heading to the store to diversify my diet once again beyond ramen and frozen burritos.

Back in the Army days when I had to do my grocery shopping at the Super Wal Mart in Missouri, I always had the same list of crap I would buy everytime. It was configured perfectly that barring any huge rushes, I could get in and out in 20 minutes, and it would require one basket that was semi heaping. The usual fare was:

2 "Souper Packs" of Ramen
1 Sleeve of Frozen burritos
1 bag of Fritos
2 cans of green beans
2 packs of hot dogs
2 boxes of pop tarts
1 box of pop corn
1 box of cake mix
1 tub of cake frosting
1 12 pack of soda

I don't know how looking back on that, but that usually could feed me for about 1.5 weeks. Yikes.

Everclear And Absinthe For All

Disturbingly enough, I saw this story on the tv this morning at the gym, and once again, I completely lose all faith in humanity. There apparently a growing push to reduce the legal drinking age to 18 all in an effort to reduce binge drinking.

Good holy sweet Mad Dog....are you serious? Let's point out the obvious first, people over the age of 21 can't control binge drinking, inside or outside an educational environment. How in the french toast do you think that increasing the availability of alcohol to people under the age of 21 is going to control drinking?

Apparently a large crux of their argument is that by reducing the age, it reduces a so called "allure" to do it because it's bad. I started drinking when I was 16, and trust me, I wasn't doing it because I wanted to be rebellious. Hell, when I was feeling rebellious, I was stealing toilet paper from the courthouse or watching my friend take a crap down our neighbors chimney. Same argument with illicit drug use. People don't abuse substances because they wanna rebel, they do it because it gives you some form of euphoria you dummies. It's not all about fighting the power when it comes to making dumb choices.

Then I read this gem, and seriously wondered if drug use is more rampant in the US then previously thought.

They propose "drinking licenses" that would allow those 18-21 to drink because they've only been issued after alcohol education. Hmmmm...I'm going to have to disagree with John McCardell in saying that no, education will not work in this case. Look, it's so basic, I seriously wonder if big John ever was 18 years old. At that age, humans are unfit for many tasks involving personal responsibility. Despite the fact that you're of legal age to do many things, this is usually about the time you start getting into more serious trouble because you have more freedom. You dump liquor on top of that, and it's just going to get exponentially worse. Education will not work, because D.A.R.E doesn't work, because sex education generally doesn't work, and because anti-smoking education doesn't work. This will be another giant black hole for tax dollars to get swallowed up in just so colleges can feel like they're reducing their overall liability status for those under the age of 21 who decide it's a great idea to pound a fifth of Old Crow.

Yeah, I get the whole "well, if they're old enough to serve in the military, they should be old enough to drink". I disagree with this for two reasons however...those reasons would be:

1) As an MP, I can't count all of my fingers and toes how many soldiers between the ages of 18 and 21 I had to peel off of the floor of a parked taxi because they were too trashed to get out under their own power. Yeah, they're in the military, but that doesn't mean that they become responsible over night.

2) I would submit that if anything, only those in the military under the age of 21 should be allowed to drink. Reason being, they're learning how to be responsible a lot faster then a civilian of the same age....annnd, if you're going to go to war any time soon, you probably deserve to be tanked out of your gourd at least once.

We're facing the problem of prohibition all over again. What it boils down to is "holding the line" on certain policies. Everyone is content with 21 being the legal drinking age. Those who are able to get it before, that's good. Yes I understand that other countries have lower age limits, but those other countries don't have the good ol' fashioned American "culture of excess" like we do.

The bottom line is that guys and girls alike are uncontrollably dumb and impulsive (for the most part) at 18. By enabling them to either drink, or buy (possibly for those under the age of 18) is absolutely abhorrent. I would predict that DUI's & alcohol related deaths would sky rocket, because that generation is not prepared to handle that kind of responsibility, especially when they're at the most "I'm invincible" phase of their life.

And if you don't believe any of this, then I would only have to fall back on one other argument. The bartenders....they don't want to be concerned with kids under the age of 18 coming in with a fake ID, and they sure as hell don't want to have to worry about babysitting some High Schooler that can't hold their liquor.

Can't Outrun This One

Let's review what we've learned in the past 18 hours:

(4) Vodka & Cranberries + Bar Food + 4 hours of sleep + Weightlifting = UNHOLY Heartburn!

That is all!

Absurdity Repeating

So once again the idle hands are giving me that educational "itch" that I'll be needing to scratch. I swore after I received my duel Master's that I wouldn't take any more school. But apparently the need to be educated is something I can't fight, despite my best desires to do so.

Looking at school, the question is what now. I'm absolutely adamant against getting a doctorate. For some reason, I can justify entering into the program knowing that I'll be done after three years and essentially writing and rewriting a book twice over. A doctorate is pretty much only good in medicine and law in my world, everything else, it's just a title. And I've already had a title so I can check that box.

There are several classes I'd like to take that are just random stuff I'd like to learn (i.e ASL, EMT stuff, etc.), but at the same rate, I don't want to feel like I'm pissing a bunch of credits and money down the drain. Maybe get another bachelors in general education? Who knows....it's amazing that after hating school for so long, I still want to go back. Yuck!

Back From Whence I Came

So after a long week of actually working for once and learning new software and systems that the parent company has finally handed over administrative rights for, I'm left feeling pretty deflated and kind of weakened.

What does this mean for the weekend? Probably the standard staple of beer, porn, Xbox, more beer, more porn, and doing at least one really stupid thing. Most people like to get out in the sunshine and bbq and do all that happy crap. Not this blogger. I'm content to hide in my nerd cave surrounded by copioius amounts of electronic entertainment and booze of the lowest caliber.

Suffice to say, there are several good movies out this weekend...so I may venture out, then go for a drink or two outside the ol' man-sanctuary.

A Metal Tube One Mile Above The Earth

So I've neglected blogging about the actual flight of my Vegas trip...but I thought it was funny (not ha ha funny but more like that shouldn't have happened funny) that my middle brother informed me that on his way flying back to the East Coast that his plane was struck by lightning in mid air.

Now...barring the odds and the fact that modern airplanes are built for just such an incidence, I have no way to empathize with my brother. I don't like flying. Take that times about 100 and that's him. He detests flying. I can't fathom for a second that he was in a plane that actually got bolted with that much electricity.

The pisser (or grace) of it was they decided not to proceed on past their layover, so he got stuck in Chicago overnight. So not only did he get the longest flight of us three brothers, he also got struck by lightning, got to land in the "windy city" (although landing in the desert is equally as terrifying), and got to spend a night in a city with one of the highest gun related crimes in the US.

And to think I get grumpy when my bag doesn't hit the carousel in the first three minutes....sheesh.

Hoppy Power

I haven't touched booze all week and for some reason, my performance at the gym hasn't been up to snuff.

Could it be I actually perform better (am stronger if you will) with beer in my system?

(*Authors Note: Mad props to this guy, I severely doubt he drinks that much Natty Ice)

This Insurance Is Never Friendly

I feel this picture truely embodies the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act, especially if all HR Officers are the dog.

The two hour training session today only magnified this feeling.

No Cavalry For Me

After returning from another unintentional-but-poisonous weekend of drinking, I'm finally getting to see my inbox build up after long last.

Apparently my ability to shovel through copious amounts of mind numbing paperwork (thank you Army) has raised some positive flags and my levels of responsibility are increasing. The areas that are growing for me are COBRA administration (again), HRIS administration (first time), and employee hiring/firing (again). The reason I say again is that before my Company was bought around the beginning of the year, I was already doing this. Save for learning an HRIS (Human Resource Information System), I'm pretty much just being told I'm an adult and can sit with the other big kids at the Thanksgiving table.

The odd thing though, is that having a familiarity with an HRIS, for some reason in the world of HR, is huge. People will actually deny you a job soley based on the fact that you have used some overglorified Microsoft Access program. I didn't learn anything about there being "elites" in the HR world back in the post-graduate courses. Weird.

And I Know You How?

Hugging.

Hugging has always been an uncomfortable social gesture from me and I still have a hard time discerning when it became so.

I've never been the kind to initiate a hug (except for my harassing hug-and-squeezes on Oregon-B every time he visits) because I'm really unclear as to what is to be gained from this. Now, before I go forward and dig a potential whole with those dear to me, I'm speaking about hugging people that are neither family nor people I'm dating.

I recall the most awkward hug I've ever gotten. I was a 2nd Lieutenant in the Army and had been invited over with other Lieutenants from our company to our Commander's house for dinner. Our Commander was a Captain, as was his wife...who also happened to be a Commander (and a smokin' hottie for that matter). I'd never met my Commander's wife, and found her to be pretty cool...but still...well, a Captain. So after a night of "pass the salt sir", and "the gravy's really good ma'am"..me and the other Lieutenants shuffled to the door bidding our Commander and his wife good evening. Our Commander approached us first and gave us a big hearty, MP handshake and affirmed we were doing great things in our unit...then his wife came up to bid us farewell....

*Now at this point, I don't know whether it was the fact that she had wine in her from dinner, or that she maybe had panicked about having so many low grade Officers over to her house or what, but she took the etiquette rule book and flung that bastard out the window.*

Despite the fact that I had stuck out my hand and extended the greeting "have a great night ma'am, we really appreciate having dinner with you two"...she completely ignored it and gave each of us a hug. And not only was it the fact that this is the first time we had met her in our lives...ANNND the fact that she's a Captain in the Army and we're way below her on the food chain....her hug was one of those where it lasts just a bit too long. Even after I gave the "okay, that was good" multi-pat on her back, she held on just alittle too long. I avoided eye contact with my Commander but I was positive that night he was going to kill us the next day at work.

So I guess in the end, I'm blaming my hatred of hugs on wine....and over affection Company Grade Officers.

Looking Back To Remember What I Forgot

Does anybody else miss this guy?

What Happens In Vegas Isn't Worth Hiding

Just got back from Vegas and holy crap was I ever deceived my viral marketing and word of mouth.

For those that have never been to Vegas, just think what would happen if Disney Land threw a huge frat party, and there you go...there's Vegas.

My first shock was the amount of families with babies there. And I mean not just in the hotel...wandering the strip, walking through casinos. Even at 2 in the morning, you'd still see strollers and toddlers bounding down the strip next to giant posters for escort services. Seriously?

Middle brother basically equated Vegas as being a "risque Disneyland". It was so family friendly and luke warm, that I literally walked past a group of Orthodox Muslims.

In classical bullet format, here is the list of Vegas Fails:

- Expensive Booze: Couldn't get drunk, booze costs WAY too much...and I couldn't drink the sugary "alco-slush" that almost every non-club bar was selling in goofy, oversized yard cups. And $14 for a weak-a$$ long island? Come on!

- Weak Booze: For the drinks I did by, I couldn't even maintain a buzz before I was back to sobriety. The only way I conquered this was buying a bottle of burbon at the gift shop and taking rips off that until I did get there.

- No Nudity Allowed: Believe it or not, I'm not into strippers. However, when I'm with my brethren, it's fun to go to a place that oozes testosterone and just kick back and drink. Couldn't find a strip club. Because apparently on the strip in "Sin City", a strip club must not be "sinful" enough to be on the Vegas strip...but a Gameworks is. Right.

- Sea of Children: At one point walking down the strip (at midnight I might add), I had three women in a row infront of me, all of who were pushing strollers. When I'm walking through a casino in what is supposed to be the most unholy of all cities, the last thing I should be hearing is babies screaming their heads off. That's the reason I went to Vegas in the first place, to get away from kids.

- Grotesquely Obese: I don't really know what caused this occurance, but there was legions of fatties roaming up and down the strip. Whereas I can understand that in any given populace, there is always a certian percentage of morbidly obese, their numbers in Vegas seemed disturbingly high.

- Environment: Beyond the fact that the ambient air temperature was pretty much around 105 degrees the whole time, the majority of Vegas was either I-can't-afford-designer-name shops, or stuff for kids. I don't know exactly how to describe what I was expecting, but I was figuring there'd be some type of store where strippers wearing beef jerky bikini's fed you pork chops while they bathed in gravy. Anything that doesn't appeal to the upper class or children would have been fine by me.

- Another Sea of Children: Seriously, you have no idea how many little snot nosed bastards were there. Who seriously takes their kids to Vegas? I mean really?

To close on a positive note, it was good to see my brothers again and it was also cool to see on the weekend how when the clocks struck 7 pm, all the women in Vegas magically turned into strippers and hookers. I'd never actually seen a woman in 6" heels with the intent to go places until now, nor have I ever seen a woman in lingerie dealing cards. Suffice to say, the good was good, but ultimately, the good was beaten down by the bad.

-

Not This Noise Again

So, the big vacation with the brothers begins tomorrow. Once again the hassles of flying, however, my beef is never with the airports or security...it's usually with other passengers.

As my parents like to reflect back on a day where not everyone flew (i.e. trailor trash), and where people dressed up to go to the airport, those days are far gone now...in favor of crying children and uptight, yuppie d-bags that think we'll all be impressed in the fact that they've deployed their laptop and are already well into an Excel document when we pass by them in 1st Class.

I've sat next to the fatties, I've sat next to the crying children, and I've sat next to the hippie that should have bathed 4 days ago....compliments of the Army, I've built a thick wall of silent intolerence of these people....however, they're not my nemesis.

My nemesis are those people who think people should be allowed to use cell phones on a plane in mid flight. People like *this who believe that the safety of a few hundred people can be off set by their need to chat. And especially those people that wait like salivating dogs hungry for steak for the pilot to say that it's okay to use their cell phones. Only then do you hear 200+ cell phones popping open and passengers starting to give who-knows-who the play by play of where they are and what they're doing.

A close second are those people who are on their cell phones up until the very second before the flight begins and they usually end the conversation with "I'll call you when we get on the ground"...goodie...so I'll go ahead and chalk you up to another "we're here, I'm getting my bag from the overhead, I'm looking out side, I'm wearing blahblahblahblahblahblah".

Yep...can't wait.


*Editors Note: Had I been on that flight, the guy would have had to figure out how to turn his cell phone off from inside his rectum. 'Nuff said.

The Fail Of Two Cities

I've recently returned to work after another colossial failure with Comcast coming in and doing what could be described as a routine installation of cable. Just like all the other ones, the installation didn't go as it should have, leaving me needing to contact them through three different departments, to arrange yet another appointment to get things done. Awesome.

I would like to submit to you my arguement as to how the above listed video (Star Wars Kid 2.1) is just the same as Comcast.

They both think they're the greatest at what they do. They both fail to realize that skeptical people are watching from the outside. They don't realize that they're not dressed to fit the part of the role they are currently in. Based on what they have done, they will be ridiculed and mocked, but will not pay attention to said comments. Other people will identify how they could make their actions better, and will better them themselves.

The only pisser is, I like the Star Wars Kid. I hate Comcast.

Are You Shooting Nerf At Me?

Allow me to vent a moment about my fellow Halo players and something that's been bugging me for a while.

The first we all see when playing a multiplayer match with players 'round the world is your gamer tag. Beyond this, at least I, usually check the game stats of the players on both teams to figure out how much experience they have and what level they've reached.

But back to the gamertags. Look peoples...if you choose to have your gamer tag something akin to the ever smack talk example of "thab3sth4lokilla" or "HaloDestroyer", then you'd better be good..plain and simple. If you're the kind of person who get's negative scores consistantly though out the evening, or if you're the d-bag that drops out of a match, after it starts, you probably shouldn't have a gamer tag like "n00bdestroya" or "killbot1billion". Honestly, it just doesn't fit.

If you're going to play like a d-bag, just go ahead and spend the cash and change your gamertag to that. If not? No worries, it'll just make it that much more enjoyable to beat you in the game and give you a virtual tea-baggin' the likes of which no frat boy has ever seen.

My Ears Are Still Angry

Dear Bob,

I heard your song today at the gym, so I decided to look up Kathmandu and found out what it looks like. This apparently is what the place you want to go to so badly locks like. Kinda like Illinois with adobe type architecture and an financial institution based economy.

Bob, I think it's important to know that if you really want to go there, you should just go. Although I do value any persons aspirations, the fact that you decided to begin telling me about your aspirations at 5:15 am this morning at the gym, all the while I was grueling through my calisthenics, was not appreciated.

Listen, I don't care if you're going to Antartica to drill for a new source of energy...if you're deciding you need to share this with the world, please make the song shorter then 3 hours, and please do not tell me this at 5:15 in the morning. I won't remember, and 10 to 1, it'll probably just piss me off to know that apparently you're stuck in a place whereas prohibits you otherwise from getting on a plane, taking your crappy song, and going...to Kathmandu.

So in closing Bob, either just go, or shut the hell up. By the way, it's Kathmandu...with an h. Spelling! You're doing it wrong!

Hugs and snuggles,

Azurael

Food/Bar Service 101

Attention bars of Seattle! Alittle education on what everyone knows day one about the service industry as it pertains to alittle thing we call "turnover".

If you're a bar, and have limited space, and in limited space have limited tables....do not, I repeat, do not reserve said tables for three hours out for groups of 3 people. Do not put me in a position where I pay a cover fee, come into your tiny bar, and realize that I can't sit at a table because they've all been "reserved" for people who will arrive at 9 pm, despite the fact that it's currently 6:30 pm.

Hopefully you'll realize that in the time that those tables have remained empty and patrons are required to juggle a drink while standing, you could have shoveled three to four parties through that table and made waaaaay more money.

Unless you have $20 martini's on your drink list (which you may, because in Seattle, apparently all drinks are made with holy water), please don't think your establishment as so high end as to allow reservations of card-table sized seating areas. You're not special.

Are The Sodas $5.00 Here Too?

For lunch today, I joined a couple coworkers for my first experience with Dim Sum. In a nutshell, it was described to me as a family style buffet where carts of food are brought to you and you just let the waiter/waitress what you want or don't want off their cart.

I describe it more as this: pretend you're in a strip club, only instead of strippers, they're waitress with carts of unrecognizable food. They come around to your table and instead of dances, they offer you small plates or steamer baskets. And instead of knowing what you'll get if you agree to it, you usually get something wrapped in rice or tofu of which the contents are very unknown. Finally, as both at Dim Sum and a strip club, you are pretty much hounded to get more until you're waving the finalized bill at a waitress tapping out for mercy.

Dim sum is tasty, but it requires way to much concentration on my part.

I Left My Mind Reading Helmet At Home

Dear Over-The-Shoulder-Hovering-Type-A-Sublease-Agent,

Thank you for stopping by my office and informing me of my mistakes. I always take pride in my work and hate to know that I have short comings as a professional and as I represent my company.

Thank you for reminding me that the sublease which I spent three solid weeks berating Company executives to sign was incomplete. I appreciate that now, after potentially digging myself in a hole via bothering my bosses for that document, only now do you tell me that you needed six completely original signed copies. I'm appreciative of the fact that I now have to go back and let them know they need to perform additional printing/signing/mailing due to faith I put in you.

I guess I should accept complete fault for not pointing out in my Master's level classes in Human Resources that I really should have a few classes on real estate law and sublease legalities. Because everyone knows that I was going to be spearheading said sublease four years later.

And if I'd actually bothered to charge up my crystal ball while you were talking to you, maybe, just maybe, I could have figured out that you wanted six copies instead of one. Because taking into account the amount of stalking you've done for that one document, I should have predicted via Tarot cards that when you said/wrote/emailed "original signed sublease"...it should have read "original signed subleases".

Finally, I would like to apologize that I've never met a Sith lord from the Dark Side of the force. I've been so lax in my duties in HR that I've neglected not only Real Estate law, but also the Force. Had I actually gotten off my lazy a$$ and found a Sith Lord to emulate, I would have justified my existence by learning the ways of the Force, and finding strength, victory, and power through a passionate use of my hatred. Then, I would have lightning-blasted your a$$ Emperor-Palpatine-v.-Luke-Skywalker/Return-Of-The-Jedi Style so fast you'd have thunderclaps for farts.

I'll make you a deal. I'll forego the powers of the Force, and instead, if I get you the copies of the sublease you need, can I ask you for answers next time I have a question regarding COBRA continuation of qualifying events through the event of a mutual-company asset only purchase as it applies to employees in a post-employed, retroactive insurance situation?

Let me know you a$$hat!

Love, Azurael

Azurael's Top 5

So finally I've been able to whittle the choices of my celebrity "top 5" (where people settled on 5 being the magic number, I have no idea), and here are said choices from #5 to #1.

#5. Kate Beckinsale

-Very talented actress and massively gorgous to boot. The fact that she's a celebrity that acts with class and style is rare, plus she's been in three films wearing rubber and toting guns...'nuff said!


#4. Sharon Den Adel

- The lead singer of Within Temptation, this Dutch hottie has a powerful set of pipes and sings in a very awesome, hauntingly fashion.


#3. Charlize Theron

- I will not hold her responsible for the massive creative and overall failure of Aeon Flux because she has proved time and time again that she is a great actress, and usually is always flawless when in front of the camera.

#2. Amy Lee

- Originally #1 on the list, Amy was moved to #2 after having dated that tool from Seether. Besides this, Amy is still by and far one of the most talented voices I've heard, plus she has amazing eyes.

#1. Cristina Scabbia

- Lead singer of the Italian metal group Lacuna Coil, Cristina is the type of woman that could easily attend a formal evening event and look like she fell from Heaven. Andlater that night, drink Guinness for hours at the bar with you and join you for a puke fest in a back alley dumpster when you've had to much...this all of course after she started a bar fight just to work off some of the calories.

Gym...Not A Club

One of the fun and refreshing things about going to the gym is seeing how people appreciate the work they put into their bodies. Today, I'll focus on the unusal men.

For guys, I like to see how vain they are and how quick while lifting weights to stop and pose in the mirrors in the gym. These are the ones that I'm sure feel like they're being checked out by everyone in the gym, all the time. Creepy.

Beyond that, I like to see the guys that focus day after day on nothing but weight lifting for their arms and chest, but have an unusually large gut, because apparently they'd like to be really strong, but still die of a coronary a couple years down the road. Confusing.

Today, I saw the most unusual male attendee to the gym yet. A very short, hairy, squat guy that was wearing black sandals with white socks, pajama bottoms, a tiny grey tank top (enough to let ALOT of man fur show), and a fedora. Okay, I know I didn't feel a complete, instant feeling of confusion so I will reiterate....a FEDORA. Without pretty much any reserve, I actually announced within ear shot of more than a few patrons, "who the f**k wears a fedora to the gym???"

Seriously guys?

Don't Even Worry About My Blog Entry

Worry about how wrong this is on SOOOOO many levels....I wouldn't even know what I could write about to compete with this one.

Not Even A Pocket To Burn A Hole In

In financial news today, oil stock is still plunging (about damn time) while the markets are flying through the roof due to the announcement of gains by several large banking and investment firms.

If so, then why the hell is my Roth IRA still sinking like a lead rake??

Can't Shoot Down These Choppers

Much to my surprise today, I went to the dentist and ended up cavity free! Usually I sit there after the hygenist has gone over my teeth with the "fish hook on a stick" (thanks Steve), and as the dentist pokes through my mouth, says the horrible word "occlusion". So it was pretty much like winning the lottery,were I laying down after a middle age woman sodomized my mouth with sharp, metal instruments and then was told I'd won the lottery.

Beyond that, did my first and second Notarization today. Felt pretty good about the first one until I realized I biff it. So much for that "in-depth" online training. Sheesh. Instead of the awkward wording in old english of me attesting that someone signed something, it should just be a paragraph that says "Yep, he was here...check out both his and my signature".

I'm just saying.

Wonder What's Next

Found out yesterday that Oregon-B will be in town tonight and through the weekend. The instant I found this out, I was immediately excited, and conversely very tired.

Partying with him usually results with mixed drinks by 10 am, Jack in the Box by 1 pm, a rousing drinking game by 6pm, and the spins by 10pm.

I can already feel my liver recoiling in horror in this aspect. Well...should be a good time by all!

"And Tigrun Spelled Backwards Is Nurgit!"

Yeah...it's been that kind of day...

No, I Will Not Screw My Food

Rarely do I take issues with certain resturants and their claim to fame, but I found one today that just pissed me off.

For lunch, me and few co-workers went to a place called Salumi's, which apparently are renown in Seattle for their excellent sausage and so forth.

When I walked up on the place, I immediately noticed that the building was extremely skinny. The place where patrons could walk resembled that of a hallway on a nuclear sub. Two people could not stand shoulder to shoulder without be crushed up against either a wall or the counter. Secondly, the bizarre hours of being open 11am to 4 pm, Tuesday through Friday...seriously?

One thing to remember about people that grew up in the Seattle area is that food to them is another love. "Foodies" as they describe themselves, are people that are essentially snobbish about what they eat...(I guess that would make me a "Pornie"). The more abstract and bizarre an eatery is, apparently the more appeal (check out the "Salumi" link and scroll down at all the 5 stars).

I digress. So after wading my way through this hallway called a sandwich shop, I guess to the girl who takes my order. Asking me what I wanted on my salami sandwhich, I denied cheese (lactose intolerant) and I denied any peppers (had work today, not really a poopin' day). So in essance, all I got was a pile of greasy salami on a GIANT roll with what looked to be a thin spread of pesto. $10.

The funnier part is when I was asked if would be dine in or carry out. To the front of the store, there is a tiny table with two chairs (obviously taken)....then I look to my left and at the back end of the store is one three chair table (taken) and one 6 chair table (all but one chair is taken). "Seriously?" Last I checked, I'm not a huge fan of eating my meat on bread sandwich stuffed in a closet with a bunch of people who might bun-f*ck their food at any minute.

After I had the opportunity to sit (outside), I dug in...and sure enough...it was 90% bread, 10% salami...and it tasted like salami on bread.

If "fine dining" is like this, I'll stick to my ramen and cheese sticks.

Holy Crap....I'm Surrounded By A$$holes!

I'm going to stray away from my standard code of items I won't blog about to blog about the biggest atrocity, legal wise, I think I've seen in a very long time.

Make sure you're sitting, be far away from weapons, and read this News Article.

If you don't see anything wrong with it, please choke yourself now.

If you're blindly pissed off, please regain control, put the baseball bat down, wait for the flash of white hot rage to subside, and continue reading.

There is so much wrong with this article, I feel like a contestant on Supermarket Sweep, and I have no idea where the diaper isle is.

The town is actually "split" over the fact that this teacher not only refuses orders from his superiors, teaches creationism in the classroom....oh yeah, and burns students with a scientific instrument. Split?! There are people in that town that actually doubt he should have been fired? Let's dismantle the oxygen thieves waining arguments right now shall we?

How many times did I read this and read "freedom of religion" coming to his defense. Alright dumb asses, dust off your education caps because we're going to step back to the First Amendment. There is no confusion over this amendment (unlike the "supposed" confusion over the Second Amendment...but I'll cover that later). The First Amendment does not grant Freedom of Religion to all, it prevents the establishment or favoring of one religion over another by a governmental authority.

Secondly, if this meatball did teach creationism in his classroom, why the hell didn't the students stage an uprising? I remember my peers in High School would produce burning torches and pitchforks out of thin air if anything religion related reared it's head at any time. Had he tried to teach creationism at my school, he would have gotten two words about before at least 5-10 stoners would have thrown a beaker of sulfuric acid at his noodle and yelled "get f**ked!"

Authors Note: If you haven't already guessed, I'm against teaching creationism in schools. School is for learning such things as processes and empirical wisdom. It's not a place to teach stuff that isn't education...creationism isn't education, sports is not education....and for that matter, "music appreciation" is a huge joke.

Finally, there's a matter of 3-8 (three to eight? How do they not have a firm number?) students having crosses burned into their arm. Enter the defense "they're not crosses, they're X's"...enter my disgust for complete morons "they're still burned into their arms, and still by your equipment".

I never thought that half of a town could be stricken by stupidity, but I guess dumb multiplied by 100 is just too much dumb.