What Happens In Vegas Isn't Worth Hiding

Just got back from Vegas and holy crap was I ever deceived my viral marketing and word of mouth.

For those that have never been to Vegas, just think what would happen if Disney Land threw a huge frat party, and there you go...there's Vegas.

My first shock was the amount of families with babies there. And I mean not just in the hotel...wandering the strip, walking through casinos. Even at 2 in the morning, you'd still see strollers and toddlers bounding down the strip next to giant posters for escort services. Seriously?

Middle brother basically equated Vegas as being a "risque Disneyland". It was so family friendly and luke warm, that I literally walked past a group of Orthodox Muslims.

In classical bullet format, here is the list of Vegas Fails:

- Expensive Booze: Couldn't get drunk, booze costs WAY too much...and I couldn't drink the sugary "alco-slush" that almost every non-club bar was selling in goofy, oversized yard cups. And $14 for a weak-a$$ long island? Come on!

- Weak Booze: For the drinks I did by, I couldn't even maintain a buzz before I was back to sobriety. The only way I conquered this was buying a bottle of burbon at the gift shop and taking rips off that until I did get there.

- No Nudity Allowed: Believe it or not, I'm not into strippers. However, when I'm with my brethren, it's fun to go to a place that oozes testosterone and just kick back and drink. Couldn't find a strip club. Because apparently on the strip in "Sin City", a strip club must not be "sinful" enough to be on the Vegas strip...but a Gameworks is. Right.

- Sea of Children: At one point walking down the strip (at midnight I might add), I had three women in a row infront of me, all of who were pushing strollers. When I'm walking through a casino in what is supposed to be the most unholy of all cities, the last thing I should be hearing is babies screaming their heads off. That's the reason I went to Vegas in the first place, to get away from kids.

- Grotesquely Obese: I don't really know what caused this occurance, but there was legions of fatties roaming up and down the strip. Whereas I can understand that in any given populace, there is always a certian percentage of morbidly obese, their numbers in Vegas seemed disturbingly high.

- Environment: Beyond the fact that the ambient air temperature was pretty much around 105 degrees the whole time, the majority of Vegas was either I-can't-afford-designer-name shops, or stuff for kids. I don't know exactly how to describe what I was expecting, but I was figuring there'd be some type of store where strippers wearing beef jerky bikini's fed you pork chops while they bathed in gravy. Anything that doesn't appeal to the upper class or children would have been fine by me.

- Another Sea of Children: Seriously, you have no idea how many little snot nosed bastards were there. Who seriously takes their kids to Vegas? I mean really?

To close on a positive note, it was good to see my brothers again and it was also cool to see on the weekend how when the clocks struck 7 pm, all the women in Vegas magically turned into strippers and hookers. I'd never actually seen a woman in 6" heels with the intent to go places until now, nor have I ever seen a woman in lingerie dealing cards. Suffice to say, the good was good, but ultimately, the good was beaten down by the bad.

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