You Just Got Maxium Served!

FINALLY, not just someone sees it myway, all of Maxium agrees that Sarah Jessica Parker, Sandra Oh, Amy Winehouse, Madonna and Britney Spears are all pretty not hot. But to build on this list, I'm going to be bold in saying the most "shocking" one apparently is they titled Parker the most uggo. And I know why.

Despite the fact that she claims to be okay with this, it's pretty much the biggest slam you can get when the nation's leading men's magazine titles you as Queen Fugly. That's right up there with Websters listing your name as a definition for something, because man when this hit the news, I could hear every guy for 10 square miles going "yep, I could definately see that".

I know, I know...she's made the best dressed list and all that crap on MSN and various fashion specials in mainstream media, but let's face it, who decides what's fashionable? Sure as hell isn't straight guys. Who decides who is the most elegant? Nope! Chicks and gay men again! Who decides who's HOT for the actress/singer bunch...okay, now it's guys.

So in the off chance that she or her camp would ever read this blog, allow me to offer a letter of explaination:

"Dear Mrs. Parker,

I'm sorry to read that you were unable to see this bombshell dropping from the sky. I'm furthermore disappointed for you to be unable to accept the fact that you have been nationally rejected by straight males as being even possibly sexy. Yes, you'll always have the red carpet fashion and the gays will always be screaming how fabulous you are...but no, unfortunatly the truth has come to light for the fact that men will never be dying to even get a chance to oogle you.

Now in an attempt to soften this colossal blow to your ego, allow me to explain on behalf of men nation wide why this happened. It's not the fact that you don't have implants, nor the fact that you don't have a rock hard body , nor the fact that you don't have 'full lips' or a 'bodacious butt'. It's the fact that you remind us all of that awkward girl in high school. Yes, that girl that sat next to me in biology, with the sticker from her banana at lunch time pasted on her head in an odd attempt at vying for attention. You're the girl that joined the really weird clubs like Environmental Club or the Recycling club. You were also the weird girl that only hung out with the really douchy older guys in band or choir, despite the fact that you always seemed to sway on the side of hemp and patchouli. You were the girl, who at your prime in high school, always tried a little too much to separate yourself from the pack...not based on your skills and abilities, but rather just through the mere fact of making yourself seem odd. You listened to waaaay too much Bjork, Tori Amos, and Sinead O'Conner. You learned 3 different instruments, and you drove a beater Subaru. You were, for all other terms, 'that girl'. Yikes.

You see Mrs. Parker, it's not the fact that you're not feminine, you are. It's the fact that you're feminine in such a degree that only attacts anyone but your standard-industry run-of-the-mill straight guy. Your unusual sense of self depth attracts the hippies, your unusual (and somewhat caustic) sense of fashion attracts the gays, and your Sex and the City persona attracts skanky females. There is nothing about you that is attractive to regular straight men, you're too f#*king far in left field for us to even consider you. At best, we would classify you as sister material.

And in being ranked over the others, let me break it down really quick:

Amy Winehouse - Trainwreck girls still attract guys, especially ones that broadcast that they get drunk waaaay too much

Sandra Oh - Asian girls, regardless of ug fact, are a well documented fetish for some guys

Madonna - She had her prime, and sometimes all you need to do is close your eyes and dream

Britney - Again, I cite trainwreck, plus, well, I guess that's all she really has for now....

As for Maxium destroying your husbands "taste in women", well...after all, it's Matthew Brodrick..I mean really, who's he really going to get? Given, I liked "Ferris", but that doesn't invest enough in his personal stock to get him far.

So again, I wish to express my sincere condolences on this bombshell. I wish the fact that you look like all American straight male's 12th grade English teacher could have been conveyed to you in a better way, but at least this way you can say you're "the best" at something.

Warmest regards with a beer in my hand,

Azurael"