Who's Beating Down The Retards?

fig 1.1 - Apparently the newest ad scheme is being gay

Advertisers are synomous with a opportunistic infection. They are constantly assessing the buyer, figuring out how to best penetrate their "b.s." defenses, and burn their wallets up. Ever since a medium to place a symbol on has been available, advertising has taken place.

Let's review the more disturbing speed bumps in advertising that the American populace has hit shall we?

Commercials - Unfortunately a necessary evil to keep our most beloved shows on the air. Ever enunciated by how bad PBS sucks. However, when the government deregulated the amount of commericals that could be shown, it gave rise to...

Infomercials - A usually captivating but unholy half an hour of television devoted soley to selling a crappy product, by people that talk too loud, in front of an audience that apparently can be wow'ed by air, and usually at an "unbelievable" price. Oh yeah, and they always throw something in as well. Then the God people caught on, and realized they could be...

Televangelists - Yeah, I think we really know who's going to hell. Someone that would preach the name of God for money shamelessly on TV. Why would I pay someone $100 for a prayer, when I can go to church and get it for free. Or here's an idea, I can do it myself!

Telemarketers - Now an interactive way to storm your house and try to sell you crap you don't need. Even with 1-800-Do-Not-Call, they sometimes manage to get through, sometimes even at my workplace! If any telemarketer's are reading this, I don't care if it's your job and it's the only one you can get, I'm still talking sh#t and hanging up on your ass.

Tattooing Ads - Apparently a few people have crack addictions to support.

Pop Up Ads - Once again, marketing is trying to stick it's entire fist square up the ass of the consumer by invading every inch of a computer screen. I've been to sites that, despite pop-up blockers, I get hammered with horrific amounts of pop-ups. And even if they're not pop-ups, the ads within pages are usually just too stupid to witness. Don't even ask for my opinion about http://www.lowermybills.com/ ads.

Spam Mail - Everyone wants to hate the spammer him/herself, and although I don't disagree as this person has essentially sold their soul to send you complete b.s. via email, there is someone much worse. The f$*king companies that pay these meatballs to SEND the crap! No! I do not want to buy Viagra you assholes!

Door-to-Door Salesmen - Especially the "recovering crackies" that are selling magazine subscriptions as part of their recovery. Look, if I didn't want to go out and buy something, I don't need what you're selling. If I really was lazy and didn't want to go get it, I have something called the INTERNET.

Commericals At The Movies - When the f$*k did this trend come about? Movie studios arn't making enough on the $18 dollars I pay to see a 2 hour movie? I don't even mind ad placement in the movie, just as long as I don't have to see a product commerical before I see a movie commerical (trailer) before I see the actual movie...that usually has ad placement in it. Coke, you're the biggest offender you son of a b$%ch.

And Now This.....(click here to be irritated)

So as we move down the road, advertising will continue to beat us down no matter where we go, despite how smart we become to know that buying non-name brand is usually better. For companies that sure do want our business, keep a lookout for how much they really want to get in your face.