A Brand New Kind of Sole

After debating furiously in my head about this next entry, I decided to go ahead and announce that one of my next heros are Chicks in Boots!

Now I say I debated putting this entry in because usually when guys gush about female footwear, it means one of two things: 1) They're clearly gay. But even then, it's usually only trannies or queens that do this, or 2) They're flaming perverts. Be it a sick fascination with female clothing, or just a shoe fetish in general, it's pretty wrong.

I can assure I am neither, but despite me being a sucker for certain fashions, I will submit the following. Most people associate boots with either work or war, both of which exude a certain level of challenge. Chicks that wear boots get this transferrence of confidence that would be required to take on a challenge. And the fact that boots either require really tight pants and/or a skirt doesn't hurt either. This is further emphasized by alot of women in metal bands (as pointed out by the ever awesome Cristina Scabbia of Lacuna Coil seen above).

I guess to sum it up to women that might not equate it, it would be the equivalent of a guy walking down the street with a tight shirt on. If not the same reason for attraction, definately the equal effect with most guys. I've seen guys damn near get whiplash when a boot wearin' cutie walks by. And I know not just because they're cute because I've heard the ensuing comments, and oddly enough, usually from Soldiers. This goes back to my "work or war" theory...either that or because most women refer to heeled boots as "f$*k-me boots".

Take it from an observant straight guy ladies, heels exude femininity, boots exude confidence, and flats exude an abhorrant disregard for your wardrobe.

Further more, Uggs don't count because they make you look stuck up. And flat soled boots don't count because they make you look like a trailor park dominatrix. And for the record before this fashion faux pas gets out of hand for Fall 2007, ankle length boots like horrific.

Chicks in Boots - Take-you-on-a-date-and-rock-your-world Heroines

The Heebie Jeebies Just Sent A Gift

So, for those who don't know me well, I have a pretty advertised distain of small children, up to and including babies. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate them per se, I just don't ever know what to expect from them, so I prefer not to be in their presence. Far be it from me to blanket hate children, as I am recently an uncle. But I won't all the sudden except them lock, stock, and barrel either.

Beyond this, parents that make having babies a goal in their life is supremely weird. Children should be something that adds to the quality of life, not be the very focus of it. Beyond this, bad parents distill my anger of bad parenting (i.e. out of control children, babies crying in resturants/planes/theaters, etc). But that's a whole different rant.

Back to my first point, the above item creeps me right the hell out.

The Line In The Sand About Who's Funny

As I have always learned from my parents, a person will always know what is absolutely right by witnessing what is absolutely wrong. Shortend for leadership experiences, "you learn the most from a poor leader". This being said, allow me to cast off my HR title for a moment and briefly talk about female comedians.

In short, they're not funny. Ever. The one comedianne (sp?) that I will cite as being somewhat amusing is Sarah Silverman. However, the fact that she must consistantly pull on the "in-your-face-to-shock-you-humor" will not have the long lasting to get her show past the 2nd season. Just as in the case of South Park and Family Guy, people will adjust to this type of humor. But kudos to her, because she's the only one I can watch.

This is a disturbing trend in most female stand up. The heavy reliance on shocking statements or self-focused disses. The ever practical lead in "...so I'm a whore..." just really doesn't make alot of people laugh. All biology has it's limitation, and I'm going to be flagrently outward when I say women are limited in comedic genius. Doubt me? Here's some proof. And further more, when has a joke told by a female during stand up made you fire a drink out your nose? Me? Never. Most people? I can tell you where my bet would be. A big, fat resounding never.

On to the hierarchy of those colossal women that are just not funny, but society hasn't heard enough of their loathesome garbage to get pissed off enough to stop them yet.

2nd In Command - Let me be completely blunt and obvious about this. The fact that you're raised Jewish, you're past your prime, you're huge (as in fat because you're certainly not successful), you can't score a date to save your life, and your parents give you hell, none of this combined will make you funny. We got the fact that you'd jump anything that moves because you've failed to take care of your body and your sense of self worth. Harsh? No. "In-my-face" comedy? No. Pitful excuse to ever be considered a role model? YES! (Note in the bio in her article, the heavy concentration on her being "harsh" and "dirty" - Then reference the aforementioned note)


Heir to the Throne - Never have I ever seen a comedian (except for a few mentionable prop comics) lean so heavily on ONE topic to keep their career afloat. Without bluntly destroying her tactic in place, I should instead say "gee, I wonder if she's Asian". Because she certainly doesn't already do a damn fine job of using that as a baseline for every joke she tells. She might as well just tell normal stories about her life, and complete each sentance with "...because I'm Asian". There is nothing notorious about this comedian except for her ability to bring about vomit in my throat every time I see her act. (Note in the bio she apparently has dabbled in belly dancing shows - am I the only person disturbed by the though of seeing a gut like hers bouncing around? At least it would be more nauseating then her performances)

Empress of Sh$%ty Comedy - A woman taking her absolute ability to fail at acting and comedy, and somehow attempting to pass it on as funny. This overblown, self-zealous (watch her reality show), crap spewin' juggernaut of bad comedy has resorted to skipping past the "I'm a (insert insult here)", and instead relies on destroying other A list starts, hoping that her F list score might mingle and move up. Attempting the utmost "in-your-face" comedy, her routine usually consists of alot of rants, usually incoherent as to why they would be perceived as funny, co-mingled with an occasional junk (a.k.a. genital) joke. She succeeds to being about as funny as a flu outbreak of 1918. If we used her comedy to interrogate terrorists, the Geneva convention would get alittle bit longer there after.

So to the aforementioned females comedians, YOU ARE NOT FUNNY! You are not radical, edgy, "in-my-face" (unless you're considered a giant, post-sushi fart), successful, notorious, or new.

Honorable mentions go to:

Rosanne Bar (although her show was not bad)
Wanda Sykes (yes, yes, yes, we know you're black and hate Hollywood)
Amy Sedaris (crap. That comic crap is still around?)
That one female comedian who looks like a mouse and talks in different voices
The "Miss Swan" character from Mad TV (the voice actress is cool though)

And to quote Fitzy, "an enormous Go F&$K Yourself" to Rosie O Donnell. Not only for the fact that she is not funny...at all...ever. But for claiming that she was deeply depressed after the Columbine Shooting to which none of the victims were ever related to her. Additionally negating the fact that her depression could be brought on by a bad hair cut, a horrible career, being fat as hell, etc.etc.etc. She couldn't give out a larger plea for public pity unless she would go back on The View, and prove once again about how pathetically limited her world views are in the sense that her opinion accounts for jack s#(t as to how society is run (and jack left town a long time ago). Why is it all the no-talent ass clowns draw on public attention, when instead it could be invested into how to make the aforementioned comedians funny.

So to conclude, I'm never one to put a negative on something without first giving a negative to myself (ooorrr my gender). So:

Guy Comics = If Prop Then Not Funny
Girl Comics = If No Self Worth Then Not Funny

WTF Bicycle Commuters?

So allow me to represent all Seattle motor commuters when I scream "WTF Bicycle Commuters??!" at the top of my lungs like William Shatner screaming "Khan" in Star Trek 2.

In my very limited experience of commuting to my work in downtown Seattle, as the weather has warmed, I've learned of this nusuiance first hand.

Let me start by saying that if you're wearing a business suit and/or dangling a briefcase off your handlebars during your bike ride to work, you look like a douche. Regardless of either attempting to save money or caring for the environment, you get no point reduction on your douche score.

Secondly, I'd also like to point out the weight differential between a bike and car. No matter how fat the bicyclist is, I can guarentee you that a Volvo will still decimate you hands down. I only bring up this point because when I've almost hit bicyclists when they've ran red lights, apparently they forgot to do this equation in their quick risk assessment. And of course, none of the meatballs were wearing helmets.

Which brings me to my third point. Growing up, I've always gone by the motherly advice of "staying on the sidewalk". Yes, I can hear it now, "but the sidewalk is for pedistrians, wah wah wah". Well guess what, the road is for vehicles WITH MOTORS. How would a bicyclist commuter like it if I pulled in front of them and went half their potential speed? You bastards are NOT CARS! If you hate the sidewalk so much, get to the side of the road. Stay out of my lane because I will honk till you move.

So in summation, I submit the following message to bicycle commuters:
1) Change when you get to the office, or you are a douche.
2) Wear a f$(king helmet, are you really that stupid??
3) Stay out of the lanes unless you're as fast as a car.
4) If even my Prius can destroy a fence, I know it can obliterate your tree hugging ass.

How Shall I Pickle Thee? Let Me Weigh The Ways

fig 1.1 - When two different drinks meet in my liver

So let's compare the most potent alcoholic drink on the market (Everclear) against a formidable scientific backup (Isopropyl).

Strength

Everclear (95% Alc.) v. Isopropyl (70-80%)

Cost

Everclear ($50/1.5 Liters) v. Isopropyl ($2.90/16 oz)

Availability

Everclear (Illegal to Buy in 9 States) v. Isopropyl (Legal in all States)

Mixability

Everclear (Designed to Drink) v. Isopropyl (Not Designed to Drink)

Health Hazard

Everclear (Will Cause Severe Gastric Disturbances) v. Isopropyl (May Cause Severe Gastric Disturbances)

Intended Original Use

Everclear (Spodie) v. Isopropyl (Cleaning Wounds)

Winner? Everclear!

(Phew...I wasn't ready to change brands anyway)

Something Fuzzy This Way Comes

So on my way to work today, I realized something about the fact that I'm getting two cats tomorrow.

The biggest thing is that I have to "cat proof" my house. Which means my new XBox power cord, laptop power cord, etc....are all subject to chewing on. I'm not worried about clawing up my crappy furniture, but I do worry about them falling off my porch (2nd story dwellers).

Second, not that my own medical issues were an issue, now I have to worry about two other beings medical issues. Shots, cleaning, etc. I might even look into pet insurance....that's weird.

Third, I have NO idea where I'm going to put a litter box in my matchbox apartment. In my old apartment, it was no problem, because I had a 2nd bedroom...now I'm stuck between my bathroom (uh, no), the kitchen (hell no), and my bedroom (out of the question). I'm figuring a way to rig up my laundry closet. Hmmmm.

Anyway, I might actually post a geniune picture of the cats, most likely with a crazy caption once I get them. If not, I'll just keep posting LOLcat pictures...either way, they're entertaining.

I'm off for the weekend fools!

"Nuts"

I can't blog today due to the Opera singing squirrel won't let me concentrate....

Oh yeah, and I am swamped with work.

A Message From The "Was-The-Man"

Just as I stated many posts ago, I will reiterate:

No matter who you are, what you've done, what you look like, what job you have, who you know, how much you make, how right you are, how wrong you are, what charities you give to, what promises you've made, what organizations you belong to, what you represent, what schooling you have, what your family is like, how intelligent you are....

DO NOT FIGHT THE COPS

They will always win, and the only thing you're guarenteed is a REALLY good ass-whoopin. Take it from someone who used to hope...no, PRAY for subjects to get violent. When the subject goes crazy, the Cops have the check off to dish out a beat down. What makes it okay in the eyes of a court, the phrase "stop resisting".

Every time I see videos like this, or see a "excessive force" instant on the news...people forget to lose sight of what the "poor victim" was doing. To which the answer is usually "hepped on coke and trying to grab a cop's gun".

And most arguements with me about this topic go like this:

Dumbass: "Okay, so he was getting rough with the Cops, the Cops peppersprayed him twice!"

Me: "Well, shouldn't fought the Cops"

Dumbass: "But then after they wrestled him to the ground, they tazered him!"

Me: "Hmm, sounds to me, it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't have fought with the f#$kin' Cops."

Dumbass: "But then they held him down and he died of asphixiation!"

Me: "Now if he'd turned around and put his hands on his head, and NOT fought with the Cops, I'm pretty sure he would have been cozy in the back of a patrol car in stead."

Po-Po Tip #1 - Regardless of how innocent you are or where you are...if you think you're being wronged by the Cops, you'll do WAAAAY better in court if you comply rather then take a swing at them because they pulled a Terry Stop on you for no reason whatsoever.

Rest assured, when I saw this video, I was yellin' for the Cops to give 'em another 50K just for callin' them "bro".

"In One Week I Vow..."

...That when I get my cats:

- I will take care of them as a member of my one human family.

- I will not put stuff on them, take pictures, and put it on the net. I do not get my jollies from humiliating my cat.

- I will not talk to them in baby talk, consider them equal, or talk to them in most manners.

- I will not show people pictures of my cat who neither know of nor care about the fact that I own one or two cats.

- I WILL declaw my cats. (The humane society declares cutting off the first knuckle a form of torture on animals, but sure..spaying and neutering is totally awesome..can we say WRONG)

- I WILL spay and/or neuter my cats (more power Mr. Barker!)

- I will not spend over $5 on a cat toy when I KNOW a cat will play with a free twig from the yard.

- I will not accept only medically caring for my cat if it's attacked by a neighbors dog. I WILL accept breaking the dog's ribs from it's spine like breadsticks.

See future rant, dog owners!

Sweet Gaming-Ness

So long after holding the line against paying an inordinate amount of money for a gaming consol (which I haven't done since XBox), I've decided to join my fellow brethren in gaming excitement and getting one.
The XBox360 has one unique capability I haven't yet used on any other system, to include the PC. It has a headset that allows you to communicate with other players across the world. The downside of this is that it's usually just 12 year olds that want to talk smack, and once again, call everyone a n00b. Apparently this is the new age version of calling someone a son of a bi#*h. Hm.
Suffice to say, I'll be leaving the headset in the packaging.

(And the pic above is just for every nerd's enjoyment)

Who's Beating Down The Retards?

fig 1.1 - Apparently the newest ad scheme is being gay

Advertisers are synomous with a opportunistic infection. They are constantly assessing the buyer, figuring out how to best penetrate their "b.s." defenses, and burn their wallets up. Ever since a medium to place a symbol on has been available, advertising has taken place.

Let's review the more disturbing speed bumps in advertising that the American populace has hit shall we?

Commercials - Unfortunately a necessary evil to keep our most beloved shows on the air. Ever enunciated by how bad PBS sucks. However, when the government deregulated the amount of commericals that could be shown, it gave rise to...

Infomercials - A usually captivating but unholy half an hour of television devoted soley to selling a crappy product, by people that talk too loud, in front of an audience that apparently can be wow'ed by air, and usually at an "unbelievable" price. Oh yeah, and they always throw something in as well. Then the God people caught on, and realized they could be...

Televangelists - Yeah, I think we really know who's going to hell. Someone that would preach the name of God for money shamelessly on TV. Why would I pay someone $100 for a prayer, when I can go to church and get it for free. Or here's an idea, I can do it myself!

Telemarketers - Now an interactive way to storm your house and try to sell you crap you don't need. Even with 1-800-Do-Not-Call, they sometimes manage to get through, sometimes even at my workplace! If any telemarketer's are reading this, I don't care if it's your job and it's the only one you can get, I'm still talking sh#t and hanging up on your ass.

Tattooing Ads - Apparently a few people have crack addictions to support.

Pop Up Ads - Once again, marketing is trying to stick it's entire fist square up the ass of the consumer by invading every inch of a computer screen. I've been to sites that, despite pop-up blockers, I get hammered with horrific amounts of pop-ups. And even if they're not pop-ups, the ads within pages are usually just too stupid to witness. Don't even ask for my opinion about http://www.lowermybills.com/ ads.

Spam Mail - Everyone wants to hate the spammer him/herself, and although I don't disagree as this person has essentially sold their soul to send you complete b.s. via email, there is someone much worse. The f$*king companies that pay these meatballs to SEND the crap! No! I do not want to buy Viagra you assholes!

Door-to-Door Salesmen - Especially the "recovering crackies" that are selling magazine subscriptions as part of their recovery. Look, if I didn't want to go out and buy something, I don't need what you're selling. If I really was lazy and didn't want to go get it, I have something called the INTERNET.

Commericals At The Movies - When the f$*k did this trend come about? Movie studios arn't making enough on the $18 dollars I pay to see a 2 hour movie? I don't even mind ad placement in the movie, just as long as I don't have to see a product commerical before I see a movie commerical (trailer) before I see the actual movie...that usually has ad placement in it. Coke, you're the biggest offender you son of a b$%ch.

And Now This.....(click here to be irritated)

So as we move down the road, advertising will continue to beat us down no matter where we go, despite how smart we become to know that buying non-name brand is usually better. For companies that sure do want our business, keep a lookout for how much they really want to get in your face.

This Is Just All Very Wrong

In light of my recent exploits at work, I'm beginning to question which was harder to deal with, life in the Army or life in HR. My reasoning is this:

In the Army, mostly when I was working law enforcement, I had no issues writing people tickets. This is largely due in part that they did something to deserve it. I tried to avoid writing b.s. tickets (i.e. no seatbelt, no little light next to the license plate), unless the occupant pissed me off.

***Please note, the best way out of a ticket is admit you're wrong. Cops love writing tickets for whiners, clevage showers (it doesn't work ladies), and ESPECIALLY people that piss and moan.

Anyway. Military traffic & infraction tickets are different. The fines are based on a reduced rate because when the civilian law is adopted by the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice - the "rule book" if you will), it is argued that soldiers make considerably less (which they do) then civilians, and should be fined less. Suffice to say, when I give a jerk a $45 ticket for failure to carry his driver's license (which I'm sure in the civilian world it's $200), I don't feel bad in the least. Again, ESPECIALLY, if he pisses and moans about it.

In the civilian world doing the HR thing, my role is more or less the same. Whereas in the Army I was quite literally the gate keeper to a military installation, in HR I'm the gate keeper to the organization I work for. I help in identifying the trash, bagging it up, and throwing it out. And subsequently keeping it out as well as other trash.

Today I have to assist in firing (sorry...involuntarily separating) an employee who is being let go for "having a bad attitude". Although this is a hire-at-will state, that's alittle questionable. Especially because this employee doesn't even know it's coming. What makes it worse is that he's also ex-military, so I understand that reasoning behind his gripes. In the military, there's a saying about "soldiers only gripe about the things they care about". I'm not fining this guy for making a mistake, I'm screwing with his livelihood.

And here I thought the Army was the only thing that on days would make me go ass-over-tea kettle on the bottle.

Emo Grass Cuts Itself

*Steps onto soapbox*

I've avoided the topic enough...let's talk about the disturbing trend of what has become known as Emo. This is directly only at Emo guys, as there is pretty much no discernible difference between an Emo Girl and a Goth Girl.
Emo's arise at the painful part in life (i.e puberty) when a man's emotions start to switch on and you realize life is alot more complicated then what you're wearing to school that day or who will be your study buddy for geography. Ten to twelve years ago when I was beginning this painful journey, I was not only a teen who was becoming alive in body and soul, I was the most pissed off ball of teenage anx my family and my hometown had ever left eyes on. What made it worse, is that I was the quiet, stewing kind of pissed off. I'd certainly rarely get into peoples' faces...but I'd rather play passive aggressive, and get my friends to crap down the chimney's of their houses. Teenage boys during this period in life should be a symbol of all the fury in the world unleashed in the body of a single human. These are the times when they start fights for no reason, go shopping cart bowling with their parents cars, and commit random acts of malicious mischief for no reason.
Teenage boys should NOT be wearing girls jeans, should NEVER be in touch with their feelings (unless it's pure rage), and should realize how LAME it is to cut for attention. Was I a cutter? You bet your ass, but after I was finished, I didn't show it off and cry for attention. I'd say it started because when you were my size and weight, fighting people in school wasn't an option. The only time I ever busted those things out was to clear a path around my locker or ensure I would go untouched through the halls. People fear things they don't understand, but no body's afraid of an Emo.
So now what? Goth and Punk got together and had a gay baby we call Emo. Emo has given rise to a bunch of bands *cough cough Jimmy Eat World cough Panic At The Disco cough cough*. Not only do they sully the great names of Punk & Goth artists alike by twisting those sounds into the stabby-stabby-slash-slash crap they listen to, but the movement towards guys in nut-hugging jeans has all but eliminated the need for big pants. And by big pants, I refer to the magestic JNCO jeans. How has history evolved from the time of the Spartans where men were looked to be the model of creation, muscles and able feats dominated what was considered ideal and successful...to guys emulating women like a bunch of shitty, unskilled drag queens performing for walking around money? No idea.

So the message here is my little Emo douches, stop getting in touch with your feelings and start getting in touch with your nuts. You're contributing to the ever weaking male image and quite frankly, you're embarrassing some of us that used to call ourselves Goth because people don't know enough to discern the difference. Get bigger pants, cut your f#&king hair, and for God's sake, put the damn disposable razor down. If I see one more kid with a bunch of (non-bleeding) scratches up his arm standing around crying eye liner in paint on jeans, I'm going to force feed him pork, porn, and potatoes until he either grows a pair or explodes.

Ahem *steps off soapbox*

I'm Pretty Handy With My Joystick

After a weekend of "nerding out"(i.e. playing video games until you pass out on the couch), I have decided there are several aspects about video games that I wish I could include into my everyday life:

1) Tanking - I really wish, just like most first person shooters, that I could be shot at least 100 times or take a wrench over the head and still be standing. Moreso, I wish after that I would only need to walk over a first aid kit, and I'd be instantly healed.

2) Storage - Like most role playing games, characters can carry ungodly amounts of equipment and supplies, yet they still appear on the game as wearing nothing more then a suit of armor and a backpack. Despite over all weight and size, it all fits neatly somewhere. If I had this power, I'd just carry around a sack of potatos and a shovel for the sheer joy of it.

3) Pause - Need I say more?

4) Cheat Codes - Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A *beep* I have one billion dollars and every weapon on earth.

5) Steel Liver - Some first person shooters have video games that include alcohol. It's funny because some of those give you life points when you drink.

I'll leave it up to you to figure out what the controller would look like.

All Things Truely Considered

For those who know me, know that I love overly processed food and loathe anything organic or natural by all means....

but I'll be f$&ked if I'd eat a square watermelon.

"Pain Is Weakness Leaving The Body"

So now that I've moved to a new apartment, I've been forced once again to get a gym membership. In my last apartment, they had a "workout room", which was essentially about 6 machines and alot of rubber matting.

I've enjoyed having the ghetto little room instead of having to go to a commercial gym. I guess in general I got spoiled in the Army because those gyms on post are free. Now I have to deal with the drive, the smell, the cost, the people, and most importantly, the muscle heads that apparently always think I'm working out wrong and want to coach me. Yes I understand they only want to help, but it would seem that if I can trounce them in the only fields I'm still working to improve (run, sit-up, push-up, pull-up), then I'm probably doing something right.

I like gyms for the fact that I know I'm surrounded by people that want to get into, or stay in shape. It's good knowing at least a TINY part of society still cares about how they look or their overall impact on our nations rising healthcost. And albiet, I absolutely cannot stand people that walk on treadmills at the gym (except the elderly - they get a pass), I'm stoked to see so many people taking charge of their body.

Now that I'm paying for this service, I plan to use it as much as possible. I go in the early morning to avoid such hassles as muscle head coaches, distracting "gym bunnies", and people that ironically hunt for the closest parking spot to the front door....of the gym. And I really usually want a treadmill, which are always in short supply.

Let's go pull a hammy!

No, I Can Definately Hear You Now

So once again I must pull out the soapbox and draw the line in the sand, where if a normal human adult would cross over, they would begin dragging their knuckles and breathing solely from their mouths.
To address the issue of devices designed to transmit your voice, I specifically am talking about drive through microphones and speaker phone.
The event that brought this to the forefront was I just experienced yet another teleconference where 50% of the individuals were either talking through the eye of a needle, or apparently sitting in an empty room with their telephone on the opposite side of the room, and they were attempting to scream at it via bullhorn. My first experience of this was in the Army, when I had gotten a phone call from a JAG Officer (Lieutenant Colonel) about a case I was pressing (I was doing law enforcement). Unknown by me, he was on a speaker phone, so the entire phone call to me sounded like he was screaming at me. Although I know I had ruffled his feathers with what he claimed was a "frivolous case", he later stated he wasn't screaming.
However back to the point at hand. Volume control. Drive through speakers are generally strong enough to hear a cat meowing in the back of a truck. Bear this in mind when you're yelling that you'd like a double whopper with cheese. And also bear in mind, some stores have the speakers set up so everyone in the store can hear you.
And should you find yourself on a teleconference, speak normally. If they didn't hear you, it's a lot easier to ask you again then to tell you you're screaming like a crazy person. And for the love of ginger, resist the urge to push the mute button and say something snarky. We all know how that one might end up.

Did I Just Read Salvador Dali's Planner?

Ever have one of those days that everything seems just really surreal?

Yeah.....