The Horrors Of Retail

For anyone that has worked a crappy job, I believe if you put them all in a room and took a census as to why it was crappy, it was usually for one or two reasons. Either #1 - They dealt with people or #2 - they had a boss that couldn't lead ants to a picnic.

In my limited time at Kmart as a Manager-in-Training, I learned ALOT about both the retail industry, and the human populus in general. I was very suprised to learn more about the bad side of people through retail moreso then during my time doing law enforcement.

My general summation of both fields are like this. I will start with the retail industry.

The retail industry is a giant monster that gobbles up anyone and anything in it's path in order to make what is known as the "all mighty buck". I would argue that retail leadership ethically speaking is more heartless then the concept of war (and oh by the way you retail executive asses, I've been to war too). I would submit that retail executive leadership hold the following to be true:

1) "Customer Service Alone Will Increase Sales" - Only slightly flawed in the manner that they forget you have to get people in the door before you can serve them. Kmart has the "10 foot rule" where an employee must acknowledge all customers within 10 feet, be it by saying hi or asking if they need help. The problem with this is that retail also operates on the "do more with less" rule, so you don't have enough employees to ever cover the sales floor to begin with. I am positive that I have had customers enter the stores I've worked at, shop for over an hour, and see not one employee. But the leadership kept reiterating that apparently as long as we kept saying "hi", we would destroy all other retail chains in place.

2) "Retail Employees Hate Free Time" - If you were an hourly wage earner in a retail chain, you can rest somewhat comfortably that you will only work 39.999999 hours per week because an executive would sooner have a mycardio infarction then pay a cent of over time (which is needed..see above), but if you were salaried, then you might as well sell your tv. Kmart held a policy that all management had a minimum weekly requirement to work 48 hours per week. During an interview with Home Depot (who called exactly 1 year after I put in my resume), I found they demand 56 hours per week. This would mean an average shift would be about 10 hours long. My most unfavorite shift was the 11am to 10pm. Mostly for the fact that customers would come in at 9:55 pm and begin shopping heavily (don't get me wrong, I kicked their asses out at 10), but also for the fact there was no purpose. The store would usually be empty from 8pm on, leaving me and my coworkers to listen to the crappy music that was constantly played. Also, the ONLY day off in retail is Christmas, and even then (at Kmart), employees came into work to stock shelves. The blame is 50/50 between corporate executives and the assholes that shop on holidays.

3) "More Inventory = More Sales" - I began working for Kmart in September, and as we drew closer to Christmas, the inventory in the stockroom began to mount. If you can imagine a stockroom approximately the size of a football field, stacked about 12 feet high with rows and rows of inventory, that's where we were at about October. HQ's apparently thought the more crap they sent us, the more sales would increase. It usually just lead to season stuff (i.e. Thanksgiving) being buried under a mount of Christmas inventory, and not being found until April. One of my few amusing memories was climbing to the top of a giant pile of inventory, and subsequently falling (like 10 feet) off into a huge stack of boxes full of socks (thankfully not anvils).

4) "We Have a Return Policy For No Reason" - People who attempt to return items that are outside of the return policy, usually are okay when you explain why they can't return something. But occasionally you have someone that wants to go right to the CEO. Well, when they usually go to store manager or above, they usually get to return stuff DESPITE the return policy. Usually the manager doesn't want to hear the pissing and moaning, but sometimes the manager is rolling over on the floor level decision of the service desk staff - HUGE no no in leadership. If you designate someone to make decisions, then counter a decision they make, you're wrong as a leader.

5) "Bad Leadership Will Get Better" - I have seen a store manager single handedly destroy the revenue of a Kmart store over a course of six months, and what was his punishment? Sent to a different store, I guess because the executives thought that store should get messed up too. It also probably helped that the crappy manager actually knew someone at corporate. 'Nuff said.

And now onto you customers. If you have ever been involved in any activity or would describe yourself as follows, do us all a favor and choke yourself:

1) The "First-In" Customer - Every morning that I opened the store, there would always be a customer, usually the same one, that would be standing damn near nose-to-the-glass, waiting to get into the store. When I would open the door, he would make a bee-line to somewhere in the back of the store, and usually return to the front of the store just as fast...and never buying anything. I know he wasn't stealing because I had security watching, but it never made sense. This customer never really pissed me off, just confused me to no end.

2) The "Backroom" Customer - Most people understand that if a store has something in stock, it will be on the shelves. Unfortunately, there is a select (and Ignorance) few that believe that the stockroom is some portal to a pan-dimensional universe that craps out any thing in the world on cue. So if they didn't see it, this usually lead to "well could you check in the back?" Despite constant assertations that we were out, I would usually counter this question by walking through the stockroom doors, waiting about 3 minutes, rubbing my hands in some dirt, and going back out proclaiming I sifted through multiple boxes to no avail. Usually they're happy with that. This customer kind of pissed me off, but I could understand needing something pretty bad.

3) The "Two Cent" Customer - Some customers are positive they know how to run a retail store, despite the fact they've probably not even passed 7th grade Math. I have been told countless times that prices were too high, how Fred Meyer was better, blah blah blah. Usually after they've said their peace, they move on...but occasionally I'd have to completely counter their arguement with an explaination of current market trends as they apply to import/export shipping demands and various other financial jibberish. One customer was complaining that we were out of hand warmers during winter (duh) to which I quickly replied "well sir, I can sell you a pair of gloves and light them on fire for you." He thought it was funny, I was being serious. This customer pissed me off, but I did enjoy blowing their mind with a bunch of sales bullcrap.

4) The "Last Minute" Customer - For anyone that has worked in any service job, we all know this customer. It's the customer that comes in 5 minutes until the doors lock and proceed to take their sweet ass time doing whatever they're doing. If you work in a resturant, they usually ordered the hardest thing to make on the menu. If you work in retail, they're the bastards that grab a cart and begin shopping like it's Sunday afternoon. Policy dictates that customers should be allowed to shop (*cough* almighty buck *cough*), however, I've always been one to prize employee morale over policy. So come 10 pm, I would send security after them to boot their ass out. For some reason, people apparently need cereal, a sweatsuit, a dvd, and boat anchor at 9:55pm on a Thursday night. This customer pisses me off beyond control.

5) The "Returner" - The most UNHOLY of all customers and human beings in general. This is the customer that attempts to return an item, usually when: #1 they don't have their receipt and of course paid with cash, #2 they purchased the item waaaaay beyond the return time limit, like a year ago, #3 they destroyed the item and want to say it's defective ooorr #4 they received it as a gift, and their moron family/friend don't know what a gift receipt is. The process usually goes like this. The customer is told they can't return it, they ask for store credit, they are told store credit can't be given, they ask for a even swap, they can't get it, they freak out, they demand to see a manager, I use the "well sir, I am the manager" (no seriously, I've used it), they demand to speak to the district manager, I tell them no (because he would cave in a second and it's now personal), he demands my full name, I tell him no, he makes the usual threats; "I'll never shop here again, no wonder Wal-Mart is better, I'll have your job, the CEO will hear about this, blah blah blah", I tell him to leave, he hesitates, I call security (a 200 lb. fully pierced gothic girl with several visible scars and no desire to live), he leaves. This customer can kiss my ass.

6) The "Opener" - Mired in disbelief of the actual product, this is the f$%king customer that opens packages to see what's inside. Usually it's nothing easy that can be closed back up and placed back on the shelf. Usually it's an fragile item wrapped in a Pandoras box of styrofoam, which is about as easy to get back into the box as it is to re-fold a road map. Then to top off the insult that they leave the package absolutely wide open (with the product somewhere other then the package), they buy the unopened package next to it. This is the customer of which I would like to go to their house, pull the stuffing out of all of their couch cushions, then take a pillow.

7) The "Traveler" - If you've never worked in retail, you might still have witnessed this event. Have you ever been shopping and noticed there's a can of peas in the bakery department? Well, this is known in the retail industry as "product misplacement", or what I call in my industry "fuckers that can put shit back on the shelf if they don't want it". It usually manifests itself in a manner of being one cingular item, usually a seasonal item like a package of Christmas lights, that ends up on the direct opposite end of the store next to the socks. More regularly, there's a sub division I call "Borrowers"...these are parents that let kids get their hands on a non-packaged toy in the toy isle (i.e. tricycle, basketball, etc), and let's them play with it the entire time their worthless clan is shopping, then right before getting to the register, they eighty-six the toy...usually in the grocery or hardware department. But what do they care right? They don't have to put it back. These people are worthless.

My advise to people who have never served the general public. Do you want to make a retail worker's day a great one? Do the following:

1) Shop during normal business hours, 1 hour after they open, and be done 1 hour before close

2) Don't ask questions or locations of anything. LOOK for God's sake.

3) If you try to return something and you can't, accept it.

4) Say something upbeat and random to an employee and give them something to talk about in the employee lounge

5) Buy clearance crap. This is every retail workers headache

and finally

6) CAVEAT EMPTOR - If you don't know what this is, go to www.ask.com and type "define caveat emptor". Don't accumulate bad karma just because you didn't get your 10% discount on crap you don't need.

I HATE RETAIL!

Amen.