My Moonshine Misadventures

So work was especially long yesterday for one simple reason, booze.

Yes I had received my do-at-home absente kit (not joking, it actually exists). This kit is composed of several teabags that contain wormwood, which is the active ingredient in absente. No, it doesn't make you hallucinate or drive you schizo like the rumors usually say. I've been told that just like beer and liquor get you two kind of drunk, this one gets you an extreme, very relaxed kind of drunk.

So my adventure is as this. I went home on lunch and picked up the UPS box from my landlords and immediately inventoried what I needed. The first was the base alcohol. The receipe calls for 1 liter of Everclear and 1 liter of Vodka. Well, as Washington is a state that loves to control personal behavior, Everclear isn't sold in Washington because the lawmakers think it get's people too drunk. So I am reduced to use to liters of Vodka. My choices were either Idol (a vodka made of grapes, filtered 7 times, and SMOOOOOTH- 80 proof) or Schmirnoff (vodka made of ass-potatos, filtered 3 times, kinda tart - 100 proof). Being the practical guy that I am, I decide to pick up a 1.75 liter jug and plastic .375 ml flask of the Schmirnoff and plan to filter them out college style. I went to one of the liquor stores about a block away from my workplace. I was concerned when I rolled up as the building looked like utter hell. The paint was flecking off, graffitti was all over...it was not in a tasty part of Seattle (although, Seattle really doesn't have any "bad parts" - so this is the white man's view as an "unsavory" part of town). However, when I walked in, it was like opening the front door in Oz. The carpets were an immaculate burgundy color, all the bottle showcases were either cherry wood or oak, and there were rows upon rows upon rows of every type of alcohol imaginable. My only concern at this point was the guy behind the counter hearing me let out a "what the f$#k?" at my disbelief.
After I had gathered my booze, the next stop was target to get a large glass jar to combine the ingredients in, and a Brita water filter to run the vodka through a few times to take the bite off it.
(*Note - I have no idea if this works, but I googled it and saw that enough people try it, so I figured to follow the pack)
After grabbing a glass suntea jar, I headed over to the water filtration isle. As I was reaching to pick up the desired Brita pitcher, I bumped (literally - merely tapped) the jar on the side of the counter and the entire thing exploded in what could have been the louded glass shattering sound ever. No sooner did I have time to once again curse my childhood nickname "El Destructo", did the hottest retail associate ever come around the corner.
(*Note - I have one intimidation in this world, and it actually happens to be women I find attractive)
She looked pissed beyond all belief, and I honestly don't blame her. In my short stint in retail, I've learned that customers on a large part are pigs. They pick up stuff from one isle and leave it in another isle, they open merchandise and then don't buy it, and they break stuff and don't clean it up. Well, I would have offered to help, unfortunately, retail store policies forbid a customer picking up a mess, more importantly, a hazardous mess. So my only mental thoughts at this point as she was on her hands and knees sweeping up the nano-size glass particulates was me thinking "that's it naive! And when you're done, wash my car and steam clean my couch!"
Once I had re-procured my jar, I was off. I spent the next 3 hours that night running the vodka through the Brita filter, and could definately smell a difference. I combined it all and now I have an eerie semi-swamp green liquid brewing in my closet for the next 5 days, where as then I remove that big bag, replace it with a small bag, another 3 days, and I should have absente.
Thank goodness this wasn't a process or anything.