The Typical Daily Flush

In an average day at work, I drink about 3 cups of coffee, two sodas, and two cups of tea. As my daily lunch consists of a lunch of Chef Boyardee straight from the can, I don't eat enough to really soak up all the liquids. So the following is the average thought pattern as I go to the bathroom several million times a day:

Internal Dialogue On the Way to the bathroom:

"Whoops! Conference call in two minutes, gotta boogie"

"I need new shoes (notices squeaking noise), why the hell didn't I wear boots today?"

"Oh geez, the receptionist is already here...I'm not hitting on you!" (The receptionist desk is approximately 20 feet from the bathrooms - so everytime I go to the bathroom, the receptionist knows. It's not bad enough she knows my bm schedule, it's made worse by the fact that she is, indeed, a hottie)

Internal Dialogue Inside The Bathroom

"Feet check (looks under stalls), whoo hoo! I can whiz and sing at the same time!"

"I know there is already a place for two rolls of toilet paper affixed to the stall....why the hell does the janitor give us a third auxillery roll? Does he think we crap all that much?"

"I wonder if anyone would notice if a whizzed in the floor drain in the center of the bathroom? I wonder how it would go if I were caught whizzing in the floor drain? I gotta try that sometime."

"Is a toilet called that because someone back in the day considered taking a dump toiling?"

"Is it a urinal cake or urinal biscuit? Either way, why the hell is it food?"

"Seriously! Why the hell is there a third roll of toilet paper?"

"Uh oh! Someone else is in the bathroom! I better remain completely motionless and not make a peep!" (I always use a stall regardless of what I'm doing, I prefer not to put on a show. I did enough of that taking drug tests in the Army)

Internal Dialogue Leaving The Bathroom En Route Back To The Office

(Thinking Towards Receptionist) "I swear I'm not hitting on you! And I didn't take a dump in there!"

"I wonder if I should slow down on the liquids....is this healthy?"

"I could really go for a sandwich about now."