The Most Unholy Neighbors

In my travelings around the country in the Army, I have had plenty of places to live, and plenty of people to piss off. Below is my top three most irritating neighbors, and should I be so fortunate that they read this, then my message to them is "I HATE YOU"

#1 - The Singing SOB - I learned after moving to Seattle, that two things hold true about renting an apartment. First, apartments in Seattle don't have air conditioning, so you always have to pray that it stays cool. Second, if your apartment faces a major roadway, do not accept that apartment. I was so fortunate as to get an apartment that faces a bus stop and a major roadway. The singing SOB got his name because everytime I hear it in the morning, I think "Son of bitch! He's at it again". It's like this, every morning, Monday through Friday, this man stands approximately 20 feet away from the bus stop, paces, stomps, and sings. Not good singing mind you, UNINTELLIGIBLE singing. I put it akin to that weird "rawr" that Pee-Wee used to scream, only a chain of it. He does this from approximately 6:30am until around 7:05, unless he misses the bus, then it's forever. I would scream at the guy, but I can tell by the way he's constantly pacing, shaking his arms about, and the never-tended to cow lick that sticks straight up from his head every morning, he is fucking looney tunes. And as we all know, you never go toe-to-toe with a crazy person, because you might catch the crazy.

#2 - The Tapping Bastard - As you might know, the Army has strict grooming standards and only allows for a small (but non-Hitler-esque) mustache on the face. A few years back when I was station in Missouri, I lived in a two bedroom townhouse with paperthin walls. At this time I had an Army Engineer Officer living next to me, and as every good Army Officer should do, he shaved every morning. And like the Singing SOB, this Bastard was like clockwork. Every morning at 5:45 am, he would shave. I could almost hear the water running in his sink because it was on the reverse side of the wall that my sink was on in my bathroom. When he shaved, he had an annoying habit of not only rinsing his razor, but tapping it (I believe) on the edge of the sink. He tapped it every morning in the exact same repetitions.

*dink dink dink* (1 sec passes)
*dink dink* (2 sec passes)
*DINK!*

And my brain felt the urge to wake me up every morning at this time just so I could lie awake, listen to it and think "oh you Bastard". Thankfully he ended up moving out a few months after I moved in, and subsequently got replaced by a hot, single teacher in her late 20's. Score!

#3 - The Bible Boozers - My senior year in college was by far the best year in college because I got to stay in a house composed of multiple apartments with my best friend at the time. The apartment and the one next to us was a piddly small two bedroom, one bathroom apartment which had the livingroitchen which was only kept the living room and the kitchen segregated by where the carpet ended and the linoleum began. Next to us stayed three girls (notice only two bedrooms) who were apparently the most religious girls on campus. They attended church multiple times a week, never cussed, always wore conservative clothing, and the kicker? Drank enough to put me and half of Ireland to shame. I thought the two ironic moments were these:
Moment 1 - Weeks after they moved in, it was late one night when my roommate and I decided to go get a pizza. No sooner did we open our door to walk out then did our neighbors door fling open and one of them ran out with only a bra and soccer shorts on. Only then did my roommate and I look at each other and decide we were in for a crazy time.
Moment 2 - Our neighbors loved to go on how they would go to church EVERY Sunday and so on and so forth. Well, we heard them partying late one Saturday night and decided they were going to have a rough morning. The next day we found them washing their car. When we asked "so was church painful from last night?", one of them replied "oh, we couldn't go to church, we were way too hungover".


So there you have it, my most painful living experiences ever, brought to me by people I barely knew and hated more then ever. Enjoy!