The Most UnHoliest Day For Everyone Else

So now that 07/07/2007 has passed, and with it, the majority of the "nuptual bliss" that goes with it, I'd like to take this moment to vent my ever growing distain for weddings. Please caveat that if any of my friends should find this blog, or already subscribe to it, I'll still go to your wedding. But having been to a few messed up ones, please take notes.

*steps onto soapbox* ahem

Bearing in mind that the current divorce rate in the United States is approximately .74% of the entire population per year, weddings are becoming as meaningful as perhaps a birthday, only with a bigger pricetag. This is the one day that a couple has pretty much the right to hold you hostage for essentially the entire day, forcing you to rent a tux, and forcing you to pay homage to them in a party THEY are throwing.

All of this aside, I have witnessed and read/seen COUNTLESS accounts of couples going neck deep into debt just so they can have some crazy ass high scale wedding. Followed by living in some subsidized housing, because apparently having chicken cordon bleu at your wedding is better then having a house you actually own.

And lets talk about the night after the wedding, aka the "special night", aka the "we just spend $30 grand today so we might as well cap it off with a smile". I only rant of this because I find it ironic that couples that have been together for years somehow figure that the night after they sign the papers, sex will somehow magically become special. Right.

But rather then me rant continually on about what is flowing through my brain, I'd prefer to break it down to an easy-to-digest version everyone can enjoy.

First, what I see from every wedding I've witnessed from start to end:

- The wedding is originally designed to be a "small function", and by the end it has snowballed into a function you expect to see Cinderalla roll up on

- AT LEAST one of the sets of parents butts in and pisses off the bride with their suggestions

- No matter how much planning goes on, somethings always goes wrong

- For some reason, 99.9% of weddings think include a 2 year old is cute, until the 2 year old abandons their duty (ring bearer/flower girl) and runs off to their parents sobbing uncontrollably

- For some reason, people bring babies to weddings, to which the babies cry, and the ceremony sucks

- At weddings where disposable cameras are left on the tables to have pictures, taken, usually about 2 shots per camera get used up

*This may not be true for a wedding you have had, I'm just saying statistically speaking, it happens more often then not.

Now, let's talk about the sanity check items. The following are things that could be considered "aggressive suggestions", but is honestly just full bore anger pouring from my soul:

- To the brides, this is not "your day", the wedding will not "be perfect", and the day after your wedding, everyone will forget the ceremony except you (yes, even your husband).

- To the grooms, you have zero ability to gripe if you do the "I just want to know where to be and when". That approach is what generates "bridezilla". Be a man and help!

- To the couples that throw weddings that last 14 hours, you're not special! Stop it! If you're planning to do that, there better be some damn nap time in that schedule.

- To the couples that involve small children, animals, or themes (i.e. Star Wars), what is wrong with you?

- To the parents, you already HAD your chance to get married. Unless they ask, leave your kids weddings ALONE! Yes, we got it, you're paying for it...consider it the last payment on your kid.

- To the bridal party that pisses and moans about the color of their dresses, for the love of ginger, it's only one day (hopefully).

- To the professional photographers who charge $1500 for 3 hours of work, how the f$%k do you sleep at night?

- To the professional DJ's that play an unusually large playlist of 80's music, and charge $100 an hour to do so, how the f$%k do you sleep at night?

- To the caterers who charge $30 a head for a crappy BBQ, how the...well, you get the point, you blood sucking bastards.

- To the parents that get offended when they get invited to a "no-children under 12" ceremony just because they have kids under 12, STAY HOME!

Having this rant nearly complete, allow me answer what you might already be thinking, "well tell me oh blogger, what is the perfect wedding". I call them Desk Sergeant weddings
In the Army while I was running an MP station, I had a Sergeant that ran the police desk for me. The shift was usually 12 hours long (from 7 am until 7 pm), and obviously made errands difficult. This coupled with the fact that alot of soldiers were mostly married and then divorced removed a heavy emphasis of "princess weddings".
One particular Desk Sergeant of mine pulled me aside one morning while I was doing my daily inspection of the desk and asked if I could watch the desk during her lunch break. Certainly I would but then inquired why. She stated and I quote "I have to run to City Hall and get married". Confused, I asked when the ceremony was going to happen. No ceremony. Her and the groom met at the courthouse, grabbed the nearest person off the street, signed the papers, and she came right back to work. Gone a grand total of 45 minutes, with a cost, I believe of about $35 in filing fees. No fuss, no mess. Bam - married. So when she arrived I heaved a fist full of hole punch leftovers at her (like confetti) and told her congrats, and all is well.

So in closing, kudos to City Hall, kudos to mail order brides, kudos to Vegas and the "Chapel 'o' love", and kudos to the unsuspecting stranger that gets ask "hey buddy, wanna be a witness to a marriage?"

And to everyone that wants their wedding day "to be my day and just be perfect" - SOD OFF.

*steps down from soap box* Thank you.