Iceburg Off The Front Bumper!

So in light of the fact that I have to venture through the Cascades tomorrow, through holiday traffic and crap tons of snow an ice, I've put the blogging on hold for today. Also because I'm hoping I can get out of here early.

On the forefront of my mind is pretty much hoping I don't end up careeing off the road into a ditch tomorrow on my quest to go home.

Here's to ya!

Welcome To Azurael's World (Part 1)

fig. 1-1 The official womens wear for my country.

So many people say "if I ruled the world", but usually only at a time when they're getting pissed off about something (i.e. traffic jams, taxes). I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that's seriously thought about how I'd run a country (not the world because who seriously wants to handle that mess?). While I really don't have the time during my blogging time to write out entire levels of government and exacting laws, I can put down bullets of information about the general gist of "Azurael Land".

National Budget

- No foreign country gets any monetary aid until we fix our own crap.

- Senators & Congressmen cannot approve their own raises.

- A National Lottery will be implimented, and only those with a yearly income of less then $70,000 can compete.

Education

- Universities and colleges will be monitored by the state, and cannot increase enrollment fees except to compensate for inflation.

- Schools who participate in team sports will receive no state or federal funds. Only schools that foster individual sports will receive support.

- All funds freed up from the pit that is team sports will be reinvested into teacher's pay, teaching materials, and after school programs.

- Any teacher or group that strikes will have their teaching certificate revoked permanently. You do not become a teacher to get rich.

Military

- In order to receive citizen status, all individuals will be required to serve 2 years in any branch of the military.

- Those who do not serve are not allowed to vote, buy alcohol, work for the government, receive any monetary aid from the government, or breed.

- During times of war fighting organized militaries, the Geneva Convention will be strictly enforced.

- During times of war fighting terrorists, the Geneva Convention will be completely ignored.

- The military will at all time keep giant stocks of napalm, flamethrowers, and Agent Orange.

Law

- Juries will be comprised of professionals trained in criminal justice and understand the system and its quarks thoroughly. Unlike todays panel of complete idiots.

- In the evidence that video or DNA evidence can accurately identify the suspect, the suspect will be immediately sentanced and ineligible for appeals.

- All prisions will be maximum security & solitary confinement. They will also be located 1/2 mile below ground, and can be flooded in the event of a riot.

- All justice officials (i.e. police, judges, political figures) who commit crimes will be subject to double punishment.

Sports

- Pro-sports teams would not exist. Period.

- Individual sports would be encouraged.

Arts

- Abtract art will be considered disturbing the peace, and ticketed accordingly.

- Interpretive dance will be considered assault on each person who witnesses it.

- Jazz will be considered an atrocity.

---More to come later!

Working In A Paper Mine

And in usual business model-manner, the superiors waited until the last minute to drop a giant project bomb on me as it relates to the budget and all departments.

Suffice to say no witty entry today, as I'll be busy as the above depicted creature.

When It Doubt, Let The Crazy Out

Whenever I'm asked a question about benefits or insurance I don't understand, I just counter with this.

I Can Has Life Insurance?

fig 1-1. What I wake up to every morning.

So as noted last week, I had almost 100% triumphantly conquered enrolling an entire company by myself in several fields of benefits. I had that stomped flat today when I realized that I was sitting on the enrollment materials for a new life insurance carrier that arrived late last week. So now I'm playing the "hurry up and sign game" all over again. Gee whiz, thankfully it's something piddly like life insurance that I'm herding employees through the enrollment process.

On top of that, I learned something quirky about my cats. I learned that they now are familiar with the sound of my cell phone alarm I use to wake up in the morning. Typically set early morning so I can go to the gym, if I decide not to go and they hear it anyway, they usually end up kicking down the door and running all over me until I have no other choice then to get up.

This weekend is off to an awesome start. Ugh.

Fine Print On The Brain

So those of us who have a medical insurance policy, or a car insurance policy, or a homeowners insurance policy, or whatever, knows how bad it is to collect, compile, understand, and complete these policies.

Now...imagine that on a scale whereas you're doing it for about 50 people...and oh by the way, it's for about 5-7 different policies.

I just completed that and now it's time for a drink.

Oh yeah, and if you have an HR person, thank them.

Firing A Gun With No Site

So I'd like to talk about the 10 Bad Karma points I accumlated while driving to work today, then justify removing some of those points in defense of my actions.

So the story goes like this. I'm barrelling down the carpool lane going about 40. Each lane to either side of me is back up with cars, and nobody's really moving. Up ahead on my left hand side I notice a grey SUV positioned as to trying to pull out into my lane. Initially I notice the car is stopped, presuming that the driver has seen me and is waiting until I pass. I get to within no more then 100 feet of the car when it begins to pull out again. Immediately (and due to almost being driven off the road by a semi less then 1 minute earlier) I slam on the horn and as soon as I'm window to window with the SUV, I fire off my One Fingered Hand Cannon (i.e. flipped 'em off).

Justifiable? Possibly had it been a man. It was what appeared to be a mother driving, and in the passenger seat (most closest to my car) was what looked to be a female passenger no older then Jr. High age.

Crap. I just blasted through a daughter to get to her mother. I feel bad. Allow my mind to dissect this one against the -10 to my Karma Balance I have just incurred.

- Operator of the vehicle in question was driving in such a manner as to possible provide to me and my passenger the greater chance of serious bodily injury, loss of life, and/or serious damage to personal effects Remove 5 negative Karma Points

- Passenger of the vehicle has an intrinsic obligation to warn said operator of the vehicle when it is clear to proceed, merge, or otherwise turn to a location where the possibility of a collision may occur Remove 2 negative Karma Points

- There was no Mens Rea of myself in firing upon or through a minor in order to display discontent or anger towards the other operator of the vehicle. Further more, said display of finger will not only desensitive possible future operator to the rules of the road, it will also cement in her mind how her mother operated the vehicle incorrectly Remove 1 negative Karma Point

*So, I end up after all of it with negative 2 Karma points. I figure that's worth a parking ticket or a really bad cold sore.

There's A Bug In My Hum

So despite my lack of festive cheer for...well pretty much any holiday, I thought I'd throw up about one of the several "classic stories" that I find to be pretty biased according to today's social standards.

The story in question is A Christmas Carol written by Charles Dickens. Now, I caveat by saying in no way to I challenge the mastery of Dickens' writing abilities. I'm sure even with the best inspiration I couldn't hold a candle to his ability to tell a story. However, it's the crux of the story I'd like to talk about.

To me this story represents the mob mentality that is holidays, I will break down elements of Scrooge's character and justify this to present day:

#1 - Scrooge hates Christmas - Does this necessarily make him a bad person? Essentially, the whole story centers around this idea, and thus justifies the torment in one night that befalls him. On the inverse, why does a "bad" guy get a second chance at life, but a good guy gets screwed from the very beginning (i.e. Tiny Tim). And on top of this, I worked retail for one holiday season, and I'm pretty sure my disgust with the merriment is colossally larger then this character's ever was.

#2 - Scrooge works his employees on Christmas Day - So? Starbucks works their employees on Christmas Day. Some would argue this immoral (or as I call it, F#(king wrong), others would say this is a business savvy approach to getting work done on an off day. What is considerably evil in this book is considered "fantastic" by your atypical, jack-hole consumer.

#3 - Scrooge keeps little heat in his office and home - Any person who's ever had a father knows about the constant thermostat power struggle. No grown man likes to spend money on heat. Durr.

#4 - Scrooge eats gruel every night, presumably to save money - And? I've been eating top ramen typically at every dinner for years to save money. Does that mean it's okay for poltergeists to haunt the hell out of me every night?

#5 - Scrooge radically underpays his employees - Reference #2, pretty much at least 50% of the current day workforce feels their underpaid. Hey Cratchet! Quit that s#*t job and get a new one! Durr!

#6 - Scrooge loathes the poor and is in favor of Victorian Workhouses - Okay...let's dissect this. For anyone who has lived in a large city with a poor population, it only takes a couple of months before you're pretty much tired of being panhandled and seeing them piss on the side of buildings or in open parking lots. Workhouses where they earn a keeping? Hm. That idea sounds far from wicked. I would support a system where the under privileged worked for their sustenance before I'd just dol out money to someone sitting around. And hey, the Army is always hiring!

#7 - Scrooge doesn't give to charity - Alright, the fact that someone doesn't give to charity doesn't make them a bad person. Furthermore, have you ever tried giving to a charity in a non-anonymous manner? The charity itself will haunt you until you're dead and gone.

#8 - Scrooge continually pushed back his marriage until he had the desired level of finances (and ultimately got dumped) - AKA building a nest egg. I've seen plenty of marriages that lacked financial strength, but for some reason went through anyway because "they loved each other and that's all that mattered". And now those marriages live at their parents house.


Bottom line - History has skewed the "demonic" traits of this character. Could it be that society is losing this ethical threshold? Or could it be because everyone so so damned loaded with Christmas cheer that they have to push it on others? Hmmm....

Deep Fried Goodness

So in light of recent, healthier changes to my diet, I stop from time to time and reflect on what my diet consisted of during the great Army days when I was working near around the clock and burning calories like no end.

I can remember one time after running 18.6 miles to get the coveted Germed Armed Forces Military Efficiency Badge, I ate an entire large pizza by myself and polished it off with a six pack. (Which for a 145 lb. guy at the time, that's pretty impressive)

Or another time when I ate almost three "Hungry Man" dinners. Talk about marketing irony.

That's why such things like cup o noodles and all other bite size sample foods (i.e. pizza rolls, pez) just piss me off. Why can't we make them enormous size? Jim Gaffigan brought up a good point about the industry size of ketchup packets. Why that much? It's never enough!

Anyway, I'm pretty much rambling because I've been kneedeep in insurance sign-ups here at work for going on two weeks. Might take a while to get my blogging mojo back.

Until then, I'll have the #6 large with a diet, no mustard!

FRS - They Gone And Made Me Dood It

So in an exciting new catagory for my blog, I will now be submitting product reviews from time to time to talk about the good, bad, and ugly items that I stumble across in my daily ritual of life.

I'm not so much starting this category because I thought it was a good idea, I'm doing it because the FRS energy drink disturbed me so much I realized that there is a need for it. To assist others in not making the same mistakes I am. Remember ya'll, Caveat Emptor.

So let's talk about FRS, the energy drink in question. I was lead to buy this product because the Supplement Facts is a mile long and provides everything from Vitamin C to Vitamin B12. It even provided a certain amount of dietary Fiber...which if you know as much about nutrition as I do, will find it odd fo find dietary fiber in an energy drink. I was honestly excited to finally find a drink that would ramp me up and was good for me.

I was wrong.

When I opened it, I immediately noticed the color of the product (I bought the lemon/lime flavor) was a light, foggy green. Almost looked like swamp water. That's when the smell hit me. It smelled like lemon, lime, and something akin to something that was left in the refridgerator far too long. The taste was even worse. It tasted like tangy feet.
Now I like to think I have exotic tastebuds because I'll usally try to do anything about once, but drinking this energy drink was actually me forcing myself to drink it because I loathe the idea of pissing away $1.99 just because I bought a can of swamp piss.

Only after I logged onto their site did I realize the stuff was endorsed by Lance Armstrong. Now don't get me wrong, I think Lance is a the epitome of strength and endurance, but I wonder if he's tasted this stuff. I doubt even his superhuman body could take more then a couple cans of this tree-crap puree.

1m Teh HR N00bz0r

I unfortunately have nothing creative to say today because I've spent the past four days rehiring everyone in my company. We were recently acquired by another company, so that means we "fire" everybody, then "hire" everybody back under the new name.
I'm sure this would be a breeze for a seasoned HR professional. For this n00b, man, I got pwned.

"I Will Be Here...Waiting For You..."

Chaos at work ladies and gents, I shall return....

"Don't Go Quoting Dicken's In My Apartment!"

Oregon-B can and went, and in light that it's busy at work, I can sum up our weekend in the following manner:

• Got plastered
• Went to a booty barn (strip club)
• Played Xbox until 6am
• Watched dirty movies while telling dirty stories
• Got plastered some more
• At a crapton of nasty food

And all is well.

"Well Pickle My Liver And Call Me Salty"

So another ending of a long week bringing me closer to hanging out with Oregon-B. I've been cutting down on drinking unconsciously, however, I have the sinking feeling I'll be changing my name to "Vlasic" before the weekend is over.

Well, as the Irish say it, "Let's get pissed!"

All I Need Is My Scales...And A Gun

Recent three jobs, let's review:

1) Human Resources - Get to wade through piles of unintelligible insurance paperwork and benefits inquiries. Spend hours on end dealing with brokers over issues concerning non-payment to overpriced doctors. Develop countless policies that both employees and employers hate, but still are necessary evils. Spend days on EEO-1 reports and other federally required stipulations.

2) Kmart Retail - Spend hours stocking shelves while listing to the worst hits of the 80's and 90's. Constantly listening to whiney kids and crying babies. General public trys to belittle me just because they can't return an item they bought and broke through negligence 3 years ago. Get to hear nonstop conference calls about the exciting experience that is selling great volumes of socks.

3) Military Police Law Enforcement - Working late hours, going toe to toe with drunken Marines. Locating and subsequently destroying the military careers of corrupt Officers and Senior NCO's. Pepperspraying and subduing teenagers that believe they're from the rough streets of a military base. Running speed & dui checkpoints, and in the process being accountable for writing over 100+ citations in less then four hours.

Hmmm...well gee, that's a tough choice.

Antithesis of Oi

Punk Cop: Ms. Avril Lavigne?

Avril: That's me?

Punk Cop: I'm here to revoke your Punk license. According to my records, you've had your hands on this way longer then you should have.

Avril: But I am punk! Nobody understands my music!

Punk Cop: Is this you on the cover of Cosmo talking about sex secrets?

Avril: Yes

Punk Cop: Have you on more then one occasion worn designer clothing?

Avril: Yes...but I make a devil sign upside down! That's punk right?

Punk Cop: Negative. I flashed the devil sign during my Senior Year photo in High School and you don't see me touring with the Ramones do you?

Avril: Well, if I'm losing this license...what license will get to replace it? A rock license?

Punk Cop: Doubtful. If and when it's actually designed, you'll probably get the same license Ashlee Simpson gets. I am so sorry.

The Bottling Plant Of Crazy

So this weekend, the Oregon-B will be coming up for a short lived stay of debatchery and drunkeness. I'm pretty sure we'll be attempting to recall our year in college together, however, now introduce livers of steel, a penchant for XBox Live, and severe and infallable craving for Jack In The Box Ultimate Cheeseburgers. All of this times the fact that Oregon-B probably hasn't cashed in his crazy tickets in a while will promise for a good time.

I'm reminded many times of being stuff in our tiny college apartment either playing Final Fantasy, getting ready to go to school, or attempting to eat every last pizza in our hometown in one sitting. Only a few times did we have parties there, because again, it was freaking tiny. But still, a good drunk fest had by all.

I'm pretty sure Monday's blog will be very interesting to say the least.

Good times - Noodle salad.

Who Let The Crazy Get Cold?

So occasionally during the weekends, I get random thoughts. Unfortunately, I never keep a timely log of these, so I usually forget them...but here's a small glass of crazy from my crazy stream of thought.

- Any Xbox Game with an alien lesbian sex scene is alright by me.

- Why is it that in "The Little Engine That Could", the main character is rewarded with success after many attempts to conquer a challenge, however, in "Moby Dick", one of the main characters is punished with being harpooned to a whale, only after attempting to conquer a challenge?

- Who the hell thought it a good idea to put giblets in anything (i.e. gravy, stuffing, etc), nonetheless actually cook and eat the damn things.

- I would NEVER stand outside Walmart for 3 hours in the freezing cold on Black Friday just so I could shop at 5 am. Even if they were giving out free cars and handjobs, I would NEVER consider doing that crap.

- (ref: above) F#*k K-Mart!

- What do my cats do when I'm not home?

And finally...

- WTF Zemekis? You've cranked out top quality hits like Back to the Future, but then you take a story that's almost 1000 years old and rearrange it just so that Angelina can be extra-naked and the story can have a perfect plot line? Geez! What you did to the character of Beowulf would be the equivelent of making Superman cry at the site of sick puppies.

Turkey Lurkey Loo

After I joined the Army, the concept of a "holiday" was quickly lost to me. Especially in the Military Police, you find it pretty much accepted that you work on Holidays as you would any other day.

So in light of tomorrow and what I'm still holding as my own personal philosophy that points to the fact that people need something "to believe in", I'll just say this.

Hope it's good, hope it's fun, hope you remember, even if you burn the turkey, that alot more people in alot of different places are way worse off then you. Don't make it perfect, make it worth it.

I Brought You Into This World....

So finally it's come down to this...I actually have to upgrade my disliking for children and their parents from an entry to a rant. I haven't hit the WTF guns yet because, well, I've successfully been avoiding the little wastes of carbon and their "all-knowing parents" for a while now.

So lets begin looking at the recent news:

Vaccinations - Not since the "bad-old times" have I ever seen such a cluster f*&k of parents on the "the vaccinations might make my kids sick" bandwagon. Furthermore, apparently they believe that their "right" to choose as to whether their kids will be immunized against life threatening illnesses is acceptable to come at the price of endangering other children. Given, most vaccinations will injure or several harm 1 in 100,000 or more, but seriously? When it was time to get my first slew of vaccines in the Army (to INCLUDE the, at the time controversial, Anthrax vaccine) I took ALL of them. Why? Decreases my overall chance of getting sick, and prevents my peers from the same. My solution for this is simple, parents don't want to get their kids vaccinated? Nooo problem. Your kids can't attend any public schools, parks, swimming areas, recreational facilities. Hell, even if they wanted to, they couldn't step foot in a Post Office. It's not your right as a parent, it's your moral f#*king obligation to your fellow humans to do this.

Foreign Adoption - Do we hate our own countrymen this much that we decide that "exotic" children are better then the homegrown? No, I know, it's apparently more "charitable" to adopt from foreign countries because otherwise the babies would grow up in poverty. Nooo, even better, it's "easier" to adopt from those countries then it is from the United States...Hmm, very intriguing arguments, but they're all as dumb as the parents that believe them. I can't even begin to see an ethical reason that justifies adopting foreign children over domestic. It might be easier to do, but at the cost of de-regulation, you also have babies being stolen for the black market, and I would go so far as to argue that this would encourage parents who can't support children overseas to have them anyway, so some American can swing in and scoop a couple up at $10k a pop. More charitable? What about the thousands of foster kids that get bounced around the United States year after year? Apparently just because they're being abused in a First World Country, it makes these parents more holy to adopt from kids being abused in a Third World Country. If you're in such a mad rush to get your hands on a kid and be parents, buy a f#*king dog instead. If you're ready to be responsible parents, you might just be patient enough to wait.

Circumcision - Ah yes, one of the questions once again being called up and being labeled "abuse" by the weaker parents that apparently believe that they shouldn't make any efforts to do what's good for the child without the child's consent. So let's review the facts. This procedure has been proven to reduce cancer, reduce the risk of STD transmission, and increase the amount of stimulation during sex. Hm, sounds good. Let's look at the negatives...hmmm, can't really seem to find any...hmm. Now, let's review some of the "not-fit-to-be-parents" arguments. First - "it's barbaric", no, it's a medical procedure that causes no lasting pain or disfigurement in the person's life. Second "the kid should be allowed to choose the procedure when they're old enough" - I can't imagine, at any time, where I would elect to have this done at my age. I'm pretty much past my sexual prime, so barring safe sex practices, it would have been pointless to elect this procedure now. Third - "it's an unjustifiable tribute to God" - Alrighty. My parent elected this procedure for me (yeah, I said it), and I know that it wasn't done with the intent of following the Judo-Christian belief that makes it a point to do so. They did it out of concern for my future health. My parents did something they knew would be beneficial for me...which makes it GOOD, even if they didn't ask...that what called "being parents" means. And finally my favorite - "it's no different then the sexual mutilation of females in Africa" - Okay, back the f#(king Rice-O-Roni trolley up as we review biology. Despite the fact that, yes, men and women both have gentals in the same region, they are, by no means wired exactly the same. Last I checked, I've can experience 100% feeling in my goods, and for those women that comment about the hideous scar, I see my goods everyday and there isn't a scar to be seen.

Sleep - Why the hell is it that when I was 8 or 9, I was required to be in bed no later then 8 pm...but now when I'm going to Denny's after a heavy night of drinking and booze related debatchery, I'm seeing 1 and 2 year olds sitting across the way from me at 1 am? At what point did parents decide that in order to ensure their night life didn't suffer, they'd just keep their snotlings up with them? I am still waiting for the day that I go to either a porno store or a bar and see some parent in there with a kid slung over their shoulder. Are you f#(king kidding me. At some point the balance of self-sacrifice tipped from pointing at the parents to pointing at the kids. My parents pretty much resigned a nightlife at the birth of my oldest brother. Sure, occasionally a neighbor's teen was hired to babysit on the few instances that they were REQUIRED to attend an Army function, but at no point can I fathom being 5 years old, at sitting at some resturant well past 10 pm.

In closing, my rant is boiled down to this fact. Not everyone is fit to be a parent. Just because you are a parent, doesn't mean you're a good one. If and when you have a kid, it is YOUR responsibility. Just because the saying is "it takes a village to raise a child" that sure as hell doesn't mean the village wants to. It is every parents obligation to make the tough choices which will better their child, even if it's "hard". If you take the "I'm-going-to-be-their-best-friend" approach, you will not only fail miserably as a parent, but you'll put another self absorbed dumba$$ into the world as well. As for me, I plan on circumcising, vaccinating, spanking, and bottle feeding my children. They sure as hell won't have a video game console, and they sure as hell will eat their vegetables. McDonald's won't even be in their vocabulary.

And Mad Props To This Guy - The Ultimate Word in Parenting

Just Keep Heapin' It On

So over the weekend, my average score in life has been less then stellar. Let's review shall we?

- Cats took a ginormous dook in the carrier right when we go to the Vet, requiring me to announce it immediately to the Vet's assistant upon arrival.

- Tried making Jambalya for the first time, too spicy.

- Played Halo 3 Sunday morning. Not being used to this, by body inferred it as being night time, and I started to drink.

- In said process of gaming and drinking, not only did I forget to eat all day (which is why I ended up trashed), but I also blinked out at around 6pm and waking up at 2 am and wondering why I was on the couch, and why I was wide awake.

- In said process following gaming and drinking, I learned that despite not being drunk or even hungover, apparently the body loses ALL muscular strength and endurance when you haven't eaten in over 24 hours. Suffice to say, the treadmill beat me down good.

- Having really not eaten until after I was at work, let's just say my seven story stair climb was less then awesome today.

-And to add, Towel-Returning-Girl was at the gym this morning.

-Finally, a moment of Blog silence for my oldest brother's blog coming to an end. Citing too much work and personal issues, he's "letting the stage go dark" on his blog. My brothers and I never had a real close relationship until recently, so I really appreciated the opportunity to see into his thoughts, and get what he actually remembered about the family and growing up. Maybe now I'll tell him that I've been reading his blog every morning since discovering it. He's been blogging for several years now, and I can confidently say I read and savored every post.

Another Deed Punished

So in thinking about my fears, few vividly come to mind. I'm afraid of deep water, partially submerged objects in said water, and attractive girls I don't know. I imagine it's probably the combination of my mother teaching me to respect womanhood at the threat of pain and being consistantly shot down by girls during the most vulnerable phase in my life...adolescence.

My fear of attractive girls far exceeds any mortal danger I've faced to date. I've been to a war zone, I've been though several instances where I could have died due to medical issues, I've busted into group fights alone while doing law enforcement...pssffft, nothing! Put me infront of an attractive girl...for some reason, I turn completely stupid.

So on to the main event. I was at the gym this morning, trying as always to run on the treadmill so hard as to break it. While running, I always place my towel on the side railing, to which I promptly grab to wipe off sweat at the time intervals of 7 minutes, 13 minutes, 17 minutes, and 24 minutes (I've run enough to notice this...creepy huh?). As per usual, I had accidently placed the towel unevenly over the railing, so naturally it slipped, fell, and landed on the treadmill, and went shooting off the back of the treadmill. Not a problem because normally, I just get it after my run.

Nope. There was a very pretty girl behind me.Okay...this made it alittle embarassing, but not too bad because like I said, it happens. I could have stopped and picked it up...but that almost makes it feel like you can't run without your "blanky".

Thinking everything was okay, I kept running, until I somehow didn't notice that she had picked it up on the way out and placed it back on my railing for me. "Doh! I didn't thank her!" So now, in addition to being embarrassed as to have slingshot my towel off the treadmill at her, I now am the jerk that didn't thank her for doing an unusually kind thing (because I honestly wouldn't grab a another's towel...don't know how much sweat is in there).

So after she leaves, I feel like a raging renob, but hoping she'll at least pat herself on the back for being cool. Just when it leaves my mind, she comes back. She got on the treadmill in front of me and started running. There are also mirrors infront of us so I feel compelled to raise my towel like a glass and blurt out "thanks for the towel!" in a semi-winded, very awkward statement.

Enter the Seinfield arguement in my head, which banters back and forth about "well I could thank her now, but has it been to long? What if she's in mid work out? Is it appropriate? Would it look like I was hitting on her? Is she going to end up going to the gym every day I do and give me the stink eye on a regular basis?"

Suffice to say, I took the Seinfield approach and stealthily finished my workout.

So I'd like to conclude on two things.

1) If you're the girl that picked up a brown towel for a man on the treadmill at the gym this morning, I wish you a beavy of mad good-karma points. That was unusually kind and I hope you win the lottery or learn how to poop gold. I'm prayin' for ya.

2) If you're an attractive girl and you decide to do a nice thing for a strange guy, don't do it at the gym! We're so busy thinking either about a) how more "buff" we look b) what we're going to eat for dinner tonight or c) how we'd rather be home playing XBox. Guys simply are not good at either asking for help (i.e. stopping for directions) or gratitude (i.e. when has the last guy looked at a birthday card from you and said "awwww, that's so sweet".)

Freakin' towel!

Anatomy Of An Accomplishment

accomplishment
Main Entry: ac·com·plish·ment
Pronunciation: \ə-ˈkäm-plish-mənt, -ˈkəm-\
Function: noun
Date: 15th century
1: the act of accomplishing : completion
2: something that has been accomplished : achievement
3 a: a quality or ability equipping one for society b: a special skill or ability acquired by training or practice

Apparently many people in American society has lost track of what truly is acheiving a goal and accomplishing something. Referencing the definition above, I would like to point out what is and is not an accomplishment.

Getting an "A" is an accomplishment

Getting an "A for effort" is NOT an accomplishment

Cultivating a skill in an individual sport (i.e. running) is an accomplishment

Cultivating a skill in video games (i.e. Halo) is NOT an accomplishment

Being married for 10+ years is an accomplishment

Just getting married is NOT an accomplishment

Being recognized by the community as being a valuable citizen is an accomplishment

The mere act of not going to jail is NOT an accomplishment

Giving to or donating to a charity of your own free will is an accomplishment

Subsequently claiming it on your tax returns makes it NOT an accomplishment

Treating your significant other like they're #1 in the world is an accomplishment

The simple act of not hitting them is NOT an accomplishment

Being successful at your job and being respected by your peers is an accomplishment

Just having a job is NOT an accomplishment

And finally...are you listening?

Having a child that grows up to be happy, healthy, and successful is an accomplishment

The mere act of having a child is NOT BY ANY MEANS a freaking accomplishment

***Bear that in mind for you next High School Reunion.

The Pity Party, Table For One

So in light of my recent down turn in partying and heading to the bars, I took some time to reflect on some of the colossal failures ( and somewhat successful) house parties I've been to in my shindig career.

I doing so, I've also been able to recall what are pretty much some of the top 10 things I hope never to hear and/or see at a party, and the epilogue of what the usual outcome is.

10. "It's not my beer Officer"

Epilogue - It doesn't matter

9. "I can't believe my ex had the nerve to show up..."

Epilogue - Massive grudge boinking

8. "All we have left is Miller High Life!"

Epilogue - Party stops for an epic beer run

7. "All the stores are closed dude."

Epilogue - Miller High Life ensues

6. "Who wants something from (insert fast food chain of choice here)

Epilogue - Massive vomiting ensues

5. "Don't worry what it is, just drink it!"

Epilogue - Turns out to be pretty much anything but good.

4. "Dude, you're pretty wasted...are you sure that was a fart?"

Epilogue - Nope, no it wasn't a fart

3. "Dude, I'm not gonna make it"

Epilogue - He doesn't make it.

2. "Hey, you're not looking so good"

Epilogue - Next time stage the bucket ahead of time

1. "Come on now, we're all friends here..."

Epilogue - Some sort of nudity occurs

...Two Bits...

So over the weekend, I decided it was time to get my haircut renewed as it was starting to make me feel like a damn dirty hippy. I went to the same location as I usually go (*cough*Supercuts*cough*) and proceeded to commence the standard 20 minute wait for a on par haircut.

Now before I go further, allow me to put this all into reference. Army barber shops are 100% the reverse of civilians. Instead of there being a line of 10 people and 2 barbers, Army barber shops usually have between 5-7 barbers at all times. (The Army barber shop is run by AAFES, a civilan contractor business that caiters exclusively to the military - you can also go to "The Strip" which is the area outside Army posts that are usually barber shops, laundrymats, dry cleaners, and porn stores) These shops are 100% for men, for if you're female, you need to go to the beauty salon next door (same deal...about 3-5 stylists there - same price). These barbers are usually wives of servicemen, elderly folk that need a job, or relatives of Korean families. They are demonically fast at cutting hair, mostly because military don't walk in and want to have a quaff of hair like Colin Farrell. However, they are quick to adapt to any spin off of the buzz-cut and generally do a good job. In my time in the Army, I usually kept an inch or so of hair, and the quickest haircut I received was well under 2 minutes. The cost in and about the Army post is usually about 4-6 bucks.

So back to the story. In the process of waiting 20 minutes and listing to the hair stylists banter on about their kids and how having them is supposed to make them instantly good people, I realized I drank too much tea for breakfast, and had to use the bathroom. Of course upon my return, I learned I had lost my spot in line, but understandably so. So I continued waiting. A full hour after getting there (including bathroom time), I'm finally called to a station amidst angry stares from multi-child parents who obviously believe they took priority because it was their little puke-ling's first haircut. I proceed to explain what I want to the stylist the way I have been doing for the past seven years. "Medium fade with some off the top, no skin". She proceeds to gear up and apparently with no regard for the "some off the top", buzzes my head at the same length all over. The shock I felt as she buzzed directly through my bangs quickly resigned to more of a "son of a b$tch, I can't wear a hat to work" attitude. She even decided to point out, as though I didn't already know having lived with it for almost 30 odd years, that I had an especially pointy occipital bone. Derr.

So in losing an hour of my life, wading through a sea of grubby, snot nosed little carpet rats, and getting my hair screwed up for the next 3-5 weeks, I only had to pay $15.

I almost gave Supercuts the WTF logo, but decided otherwise because I'm hoping this is an isolated incident. If not, they're getting it twice fold.

THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

It's Veteran's day, so I'm leavin' work early. No bloggy. Yet crazy stories from the weekend to come.

Pass The Popcorn And The Bleach

So in attempting to make the workplace more hospitable, I was sent to the local Salvation Army to pick up a small, padded chair similar to a non-reclining, miniture lazyboy. Unbenounced to me, the chair was too big, however, reinforcements (with a truck) had been dispatched. So there I sat for a solid 20 minutes in the parking lot, doing my favorite past time, people watching.

Several trends I noticed immediately off the bat:

1) 50% of people that shop at the Salvation Army drive ENORMOUS trucks. I'm not talking like an extended cab, I'm talking trucks that look like they were built to carry extended cab trucks in their beds.

2) The other 50% of people (including myself) drive hatchbacks.

3) All purchases are made in two-garbage bagged size increments. I've never seen shopping bags of that size. They literally look like extended plastic pillow cases. Very creepy.

Although I will argue that organizations like the Salvation Army and Goodwill are certainly needed in this day and age, I won't deny the fact that I washed my hands about 10 times after carrying the chair (which was covered in hair of indeterminate species origin) approximately 50 ft. Yikes.

All Things In Moderation

So always in an effort to remain positive, I try to think about the things I do on a daily basis that will keep me healthy and will promote a long and healthy life. I do things such as:

- Eat vegetables quite often during the week
- Don't smoke
- Exercise at least three times a week
- Drink plenty of fluids (i.e. water, tea, etc)
- Take multi-vitamins
- Get about 7 hours of sleep
- Wear my seatbelt

So forth and so on, trying to do what's right for my health. Then I remember stuff that will immediately kill you such as brain embelisms, cardiac arrest, car accidents, natural disasters, etc.etc.etc., and I remember that too much of a healthy thing is just as bad. Never hurts to have a couple of vices right?

Memento Mori

The Denny's Grand Slam

Ah Denny's, the only place where you can eat food that tastes good while simultaniously killing your body off in the process.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I am an extreme nut for Denny's. Even when stationed in Missouri, I would regularly drive 30 miles one way to get myself some Denny's. Denny's has always been there for me, for first dates, food poisonings, hangover breakfasts, still-drunk dinners, and just plain shootin'-the-sh*t with friends.

I first got down on Denny's during their "Skillets" release back in 1998. They had release four skillets (hmm...meat lovers, veggie lovers, farmer's skillet, and the last one escapes me) during my intro to college. Me and my co-workers would regularly drive to the nearby Denny's for "Skillet Night"...which wasn't really on any scheduled night, just whenever we all worked and closed the resturant we worked at together.

Fast forward nine years and I've developed one thing as always being a constant with Denny's (other then the fact that I find their coffee DAMN good).

Sour Cream.

Before I ordered the skillet, now I order the "scramble" (which is a skillet sans fancy plate). All with a side of sour cream. Regardless of the time, location, server, or size of party I'm in, I almost (and I mean 99.9%) of the time never get my side of sour cream without reminding the server.

Now, let me caveat by saying I'm not writing this to be a pissy customer. Denny's is the bomb diggity and like I said, all friends and previous co-workers know this. I'm saying this because the failure rate to bring me my sour cream is so consistant, that from a scientific stand point, there must be some reason other then memory failure that explains such a continuance of activity.

There is no way that in a nine year span, the waitress can bring me sour cream on the first shot three times (yes, I counted, and I can easily recount all three times).

So my challenge to blog-readers everywhere is this. Go to your local Denny's, order either the Ham and Jalapeno or the Meat lovers scramble, wheat toast in lieu of pancakes, and a side of sour cream. I guarentee that more likely then not, you will not get your sour cream.

And if anyone from Denny's is reading this, you guys rock, you food rocks, your coffee rocks, but in reference to the sour cream....dude, what the hell?

Living In A Maxwell House

I'm always happy to see when people reach certain goals they've set for themselves. Be it losing weight, stop smoking, or otherwise. But one goal that really confuses me is when people, who historically love coffee to the point where'd they'd make out with Juan Valdez, decide they need to quit drinking caffinated coffee, if not coffee altogether.

I first began my taste for coffee in high school. Growing up in a small town, all there was to do was go to the local resturant and drink coffee and talk with friends. Given at first, I hated the taste of it like no other, I eventually got used to it...even so far as I only take one packet of sugar in it occasionally. I laugh because this makes most people cringe. It's been my proverbial "tackling fuel" all through college and the Army, and I still pound down a gallon or two a week, just to keep in good stead (and it helps me get through the slow HR times).

I can understand that people think that just because this is an "addiction" (i.e. there's adverse biological reactions to not "getting your fix" after you've drank coffee for a while), it's not exactly the evil that being addicted to alcohol or drugs is. Short of staining your teeth and getting alittle caffinated buzz on it, there are no known downsides of drinking coffee. I'm not sure what these people imagine is really in it, but all it truely is is a big cup of burnt bean boiling water.

Referencing the following links, you can even see how it can help you. Up to and including reducing your chances of diabetes, Parkinson's, colon cancer, liver cirrosis, and gallstones to name a few. Hell, it even reduces the amount of lung and liver damage from heavy smoking and drinking!

Again, with one day while putting the WTF tyrade to a rest, I sincerely question people's motives when they decide to put down the coffee cup. Sure while tea is good too, and no, I don't condone the 300 calorie triple-mocha-frappa-spanka-wheezy from Starbucks that cost $5, I will argue that unless it's the price of coffee that's deterring you ($1?), you better not be a bandwagon "I'm quitting coffee" and start bragging around me, I'll dump a big ol' cup in your crotch.

Me and Folger's are like brothers son!

Link 1 - So you quit?

Link 2 - Sure you don't wanna come back?

Link 3 - You take sugar?

The Barrel Of My WTF Cannon Glows WHITE

So dealing with insurance for several weeks now has left me quesitoning humanity in new and more challenging ways. Almost in the same way that MSN.com breaks down their news categories by items such as politics, health, etc.etc.etc.

So load the guns and calculate the trajectory, we're firing a salvo:

Television And Culture:

Eight Unknown "Celebrities" In Hardened Site - Apparently when the this show started up, we (the American public - moreover the working class) were supposed to know who the Kardashians were. The first I've heard of it, and just like pancakes, the more I get of it, the more I dislike it. So if I were asked to respond to whatever message this show is always attempting to send, it would be this "holy sh*t they're spoiled, and yes, we know, they all have really big a$$es...got it...moving on..."

*shift fire*

One unknown "model?" in the open - Another celebrity we're apparently suppose to know of and/or give a flying crap about. I know nothing of this woman other then she's living fabulously, but has her own mini-series, probably to show the "trials and tribulations" of the rich.

*shift fire*

One five-year-old looking skank under a pile of self-degrading horn balls - A "celeberity" essential built from reality shows and myspace through showing skin, Tila (who we shall rename "Shnarf" at no insult to the Thundercats) now has a show where she's having men and women vie for her love through a series of degrading and pointless acts to prove "their love". Now, I don't have a problem with this as I do tune into "I Love New York" occasionally, nor do I have the fact that both straight guys and lesbians are battling it out for a Shot at Love with Schnarf Tequila. My problem is, quite frankly, she's about attractive as an Ewok. God knows she looks like one sans hair. Have these contestants never seen an attractive women before?

*New Fire Mission - Crime and Punishment*

One Up-and-Coming Gender Biased Rape Case In Cover - The general public is right in loathing child molestors with a passion, I am one to agree with this completely. Child molestors destroy innocence and trust of humanity at the absolute foundation and they should be punished to the full extent of the law. Where I have a problem, is where there is gender discrimination. In this case, before it goes to court, and before sentance is passed down, I am predicting this. Kelsey Peterson will, at most, receive 5 years for kidnapping, 1 year for contributing for the delinquency of a minor, and 2-3 years for child abuse. More then likely, just like in the case of
Debra Lafave, this insult to humanity will get a slap on the wrist, probably probation, and lose her teaching certificate, oh no!

*Continue Mission - Fire For Effect*

Hypocritical Justice In The Open - This link demonstrates that not all scales are equal in justice. Simply picking many of the cases, most of them were either "charges dropped" or "months in prison in lieu of a xx year sentance". Psychologist might argue that less trauma is done on a male victim then a female victim, unfortunately, that isn't the reason behind laws. You ask a mother of twins, boy and girl, who should get molested and see how far that arguement gets.

*New Fire Mission - Sports*

Non-Loyal Player Under Cover - Knowing almost nothing of the politics of baseball, I have little to go on. However, thanks to our good friend Fitzy, I've come to learn of the money grubbing, non-loyality that is A-Rod. Apparently this player is always seeking the bigger paycheck, and doesn't mind about moving on to other teams that are starting to taste success.

*New Fire Mission - Health*

Strongly Weathered Baby Factory Still In Operation - So it's comforting to know that while scores up scores of children are dying of starvation every year, and that China is still enforcing child limits in order to control global population, these two nymphos apparently get off at the idea of crapping out babies for their own purposefulgain. Let's ignore the fact that healthcare costs are skyrocketing due to excessive doctors visits, or that carbon emissions are increasing, or even that it's harder to get into colleges due to excessive population limits. Apparently these poeple have ignored the social need to limit their excessive wants and desires, all because the average sheep just loves babies. STOP BREEDING!

*New Fire Mission - Politics*

*Ammo Depleted*

Oh well, enough WTF rounds for this day.

He Works Hard For His Ulcer

No blog today ladies and gents. This blogger has been used up by insurance paperwork. Wheeee!

This Karma May Be Late, But It Still Hits Like A Train

Again, I'd like to reiterate the fact that I mostly try to stay away from hot button and political issues in my blog. I feel those topics are better left for debate between "know-it-all" politicians and people who think they'll get some where arguing over the Internet.

And with that said:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Who's holdin' up signs and gettin' press coverage now you f#(king humps!

Must Be A Barge Coming Through....

So the other day, shortly before going to our Company bowling party, I decided to hit the men's room before I left. I tell you this before I continue my story. The men's bathroom door has that weird hydraulic device at the top which prevents the door from slamming shut. It's been tweaked so it takes the bathroom door a good 4-7 seconds to shut.
So I bid hello to the female receptionist and proceed to bust into the bathroom like gang busters and head immediately to the first stall to take care of all the coffee and tea I'd been slugging down for 3 hours prior. As I'm standing there, I tear off a resounding fart that sounds like the equivalent of a chain of dynamite sticks exploding in a dumpster full of pillows. Gleefully I laugh, then immediately there after, I heard the bathroom door finally shut from me entering.

Dammit.

Seeing Red Again

So as Halloween arrives and everyone is buying their crappy and/or slutty costumes for the year, I'm reminded of where I was last year at this time. In Iraq? Noooo, much worse, Kmart.

Lemme tell you alittle bit about how holiday season goes. Behind the walls and doors of your local Kmart...oh, about September or so, stock piles of Christmas crap start cumulating to crazy amounts. By December, it will be pretty much 100% of their backstock, so don't even bother asking if they are still selling lawn mowers.

Even moreso, their employees by this point have been stripped of any morale they have because Christmas not only produces the most backward a$$ f#4ks to come out of the woodwork and shop (because apparently Internet shopping is too easy for them), but also because higher management is getting a proverbial stiffy about how much $$ they're going to make in a few weeks. I can remember being on a conference call with a bunch of other managers-in-training (a.k.a. Future-alcoholics) when one of the district managers and/or sales persons said "if you're not excited about the Christmas shopping season, then you should look for a new line of work". Ironically the day before that, I had applied to a crap ton of jobs online.

Employees were also held under the scrutiny of the "mystery shopper", essentially a customer hired by corporate to come in and rate employees on appearance, knowledge, and "the ten foot rule". The ten foot rule requires employees to acknowledge all customers that come within ten feet. Huh, that's funny. I thought when I left the Army, I didn't have to salute and acknowledge people any more. These mystery shoppers nailed employees a$$es to the wall time after time, by name, for employees failing to do this...even when they did, or when they were perhaps, stocking shelves?

Also...managers weren't called managers, they were called "coaches". Which is funny because I've never been on a sports team that if the coach cut me from the team, I stopped earning a living. And coaches should be working harder then the team....Kmart upper management on Christmas eve? At home with their families. All other Kmart employees? At work dealing with urban white trash and Lushy McReturnalot.

The biggest callous I have with Kmart, is their constant saying of "shopping experience". It's never a "beer run" or a "oil run", or even a "I'm going to bring my whiny, bratty a$$ child in to make a giant mess, buy nothing, and leave run". It's a f$#king "shopping experience". I can't remember the last store I went into, why? Most likely because it was a "transparent shopping experience", not positive, not negative. I don't want employees constantly asking me if I need help, nor snapping to attention and saluting me. I don't want to see them. If I have a problem, they should be stationed at various points in the store so I can go and ask (which I never do or will..because if a store is set up right, you shouldn't need to). From the time I walk in the door, to the time I hit the register, I don't want to be talked to, touched, or catered too. Apparently Kmart execs have some form of infantilism that they feel needs to be spread throughout the land.

F-YOU KMART

Just the management & corporation and any member that "believes" in it.

"And So Stood Me By The Ho Hum Tree...."

So today is benefits renewal day at work, which concerns me that I have this much time to actually stop processing insurance paperwork and blog (booooorrrring), but I thought I'd throw down a few random thoughts I had anyway while I tredge through benefits renewal.

o The human bladder can hold, on average, about 13 oz....soo, where on earth does the 7-11 X-Treme Gulp come into play? Especially that cup being loaded with the equivlent of 4.33 sodas, or roughly an average of 520 calories worth of soda.

o I shouldn't have eaten those steam brussel sprouts last night.

o Why does it always rain when I wear my black slacks?

o I wonder if I could expense shag carpeting in my office if I argued it made people with HR oriented complaints more calm...

o In addition to eating those brussel sprouts last night, I probably shouldn't have run as hard as I did this morning at the gym.

o I bet all the attendees at the Sundance Film Festival are pretentious.

o I still haven't gotten my $100 check from Rent.com.

o I haven't had pecan pie in a really long time. Oooh, chocolate pecan pie is the best.

o I remember one of the Majors I used to work for back at Fort Leonard Wood, man that guy was a dick.

o I am really glad I don't work at Kmart anymore. Especially now that it's Christmas season and everyone turns into complete flaming retards over a single day. F those people who tried to return Christmas decorations after Christmas.

Anyway, back to administratin'.

Put This In Your Throne And Honor It

I've learned so much from TV and the Internet, and not shockingly, I'm still learning of new stuff that shocks me to no end.

A sandwich of epic porportions, I first learned of the Fool's Gold Loaf sandwich watching tv. I can't remember what show it was, but the basic gist is this. This sandwich was a favorite of Elvis, and was based in Denver. This leviathan sized sandwich used a full loaf of bread (hollowed out of course), a jar of peanut butter & jelly each, and a pound of cooked bacon. By my rough estimates, this "sandwich" would weight approximately 4.5 to 5 pounds total (pre-cooked weight).

Further more, the article cited pointed out that this sandwich contains nearly 42,000 calories. That is 21 times your daily recommended caloric intake. That would be the equivelent of eating 42 of the Jack-In-The-Box Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburgers. I would be interested in finding out the amount of fat in this sandwich, which could vary well be the side quest of my next grocery store visit.

I'm would be tempted to try eating this gargantuan sandwich for the mere bragging rights, however, my conscience tells me better for the following reasons:

- I know how much saturated fat is in a single tablespoon of peanut butter...but a whole jar? Uhm, no.

- I go to the gym regularly to avoid having seizures. I don't want to toss all that work down the drain just to have a sandwich inspired coronary.

- I feel slovenly enough after eating a regular burger, I'm sure this would rise me up to "Jabba The Hutt" rank.

Fool's Gold Loaf - The "Heart Burster" hero (sandwich)

Contentment = Defeat

People constantly ask me if I'm happy, or if I'm content with my station in life. My answer has been, and always will be "no". People often interpret this as me being pessimistic (which I pretty much am) and a big stick in the mud. Until I explain myself.

Life is much like exercise (for the lack of a better comparison). Once you're content with the way your body looks, you either plateau your work out routine, or you stop all together. If a person is always looking for a way to better themself (or as a mentor once told me "increasing my personal stock value") then they will always be completing goals, and will find a different level of satisfaction. I can't fathom someone just completing High School, then doing a 9-5 job M-F until they die. Sure, they may be 100% happy and content with what they're doing, but how does this happiness contend with joining a volunteer organization, or getting higher education?

I've never been happy because I'm always looking to gain more in life. Anything from learning something new, to getting promoted. Even surviving something stress is a tiny accomplishment to me. I couldn't imagine having a life that's completely cozy in doing the same routine for 50 odd years until you die.

Sure I get the arguement that what good is life if you can't be comfortable and happy, and sure I get the "we're all gonna die anyway" Neitzsche-esque argument (which I really like by the way). But I can pretty much counter with this, I'd rather live this life in a different state of contentment, working with others to collectively build a better machine that is life and the world, then to be just some tiny cog that never changes it's location and function, and merely just holds the right to "be" part of the machine.

I Think, Therefore, I'm Probably Annoyed

Blogging on a daily basis isn't really hard once you get into the flow things. Such as figuring out when the best time of the day to blog is, where to think up your ideas, etc. etc. etc. Given, I have taken "open gym" days on which I've either been to busy to blog or I really just didn't want to, I'm sure in a moment's notice, I can spew forth any number of things that are on my mind at any given moment. This is why I try to express my diversity of thought into post labels.

I normally do not do my best blog creation thinking while I'm sitting at my desk. Usually when I'm plugged into my desk, I'm dealing with workplace insurance nightmares, or trying to figure out certain state and federal laws as they pertain to the workplace. Sure, I could ask the lawyer we have on retainer, but that cost about a million dollars per 10 minute increment.

No, most of my thinking occurs usually when I'm on the can (I don't read all that much anyway, unless it's the instruction manual of a new game I got - and you can take that mental image to the bank), in the bathtub (yes, I'm a guy and I still take baths - But I'd like to point out I can nearly belch the entire alphabet and eat a whole pizza by myself, so they offset), or on the drive to work.

As a guideline, I prefer to keep my blog non-political because I'm sure people hear enough about that, and I try to restrain from mocking celebrities when they final get the cold, hard, hammer of ironic justice.

I guess the blog is a way of me firing off random thoughts much like radio waves fly off to who-knows-where into space. Wherever they end up, so be it. But unlike the radio waves, I don't want people to know exactly where they're coming from because you never know who's gonna get them.

"Ya Freakin' Hump!"

So in watching my most recent post of my favorite (and only) sports commontator, Fitzy, I noticed that perhaps all these years I've been wrong about a few things. The premium one to point out, is the fact that video gamers (aka "gamers") and sports fans (aka Jocks) have many things in common when "participating" in their select event. I say "participating" due to the fact that when I game, I'm actually affecting the outcome of the game. Now jocks, despite the fact that they refer to their favorite team as "we", do nothing to affect the outcome while watching their game.

All that aside, let's look at some of the things that sports fans and gamers have in common:

o The obvious one is that we both freak out and get pissed off when our team/side loses. This is most evident with sports fans by cussing, talking smack, throwing food, and ripping apart those little velcro referees. It is similiarly acted out in gamers by cussing, claiming the game cheated, and throwing their controllers.

o Both groups always try to get together to enjoy their entertainment of choice. Usually sports fans will get together at a house with a big screen, wear goofy sports apparel, eat pizza, drink beer, and hit the bathroom at half-time. Gamers, on the other hand, will usually get together at a house with a big screen (if using a gaming console), wear goofy nerd apparel, eat chips, drink Mt. Dew, and hit the bathroom between deathmatches or at every save point.

o Both groups always get overly defensive about their teams/games, and ESPECIALLY about star characters from their selected field of entertainment. Try talking smack to a Red Sox fan about Manny Ramirez, first Red Sox World Series MVP (had to google it). This would be the same as talking smack to any Halo fan about Master Chief. Further more, just as sports fans have a hard time agreeing on which generation of their favorite team played the best, gamers have a hard time agreeing on which chapter in a favorite game (i.e. Final Fantasy) was the best.

o Both groups scrutinez every detail of their sport/game. Loyal baseball fans know, for instance, every stat of every player in their favorite team, including hometown, hobbies, and favorite color. Gamers, specifically genre players (i.e. first person shooter, real time strategy) know the game down to the development history, all character histories, designer, and production teams. If they're really good, they know the type of "engine" that runs it.

o Furthermore, both groups can talk in complex languages. Just as a sports fan can tell you what a batting average of .333 means, a gamer can tell you what a 3D6+12 save means (yes, those stats are used also in video games).

So there are a few examples of how what seems to be a large wall between two groups of people is actually pretty thing.

But for the record, Master Chief can still kick anyone's a$$.

Frontier Justice: The Next Generation

So let me put on my Spock ears and Geordie visor for a second and translate an issue I have with bad drivers to Star Trek lingo.
For those most unfortunate to not speak trekkie (not trekker - that sounds dumb), the Enterprise is equipped with two weapons (Quantum Torpedos don't count...at least not with 90% of the nerds). Phasers and photon torpedos.
Phasors are pretty much just really big lasers that excel at doing superficial damange and overloading certain parts of a spaceship (i.e. engines, shields, etc). Photon torpedos are pretty much the crippling "space-kick-in-the-junk" as most spaceships don't survive more then one or two hits from these.
This being laid out, I would now like for the readers to imagine my car being outfitted with both weapon systems, and having to deal with daily Seattle traffic. This is how I would treat each one of these habitual, horrible traffic offenders:

- Throwing crap from their window - Phasor to the rear tires

- Cutting me off - Phasor to all tires

- Using the carpool lane with only one person (driver) in car - Phaser to the engine

- Using the carpool lane with the driver and a child under10 in the car - Torpedo

- Tailgating - Torpedo

- Driving too fast - Phaser to the paint job (because it's probably a very fast and nice, my-penis-is-small car)

- Driving too slow - Tractor beam them to the next exit, then phaser to the engine

- Changing lanes without signalling - Phasers to both tail lights

- Using your horn at the wrong time - Phasers to the horn (hopefully it'd get stuck blaring)

- "Baby On Board" sign - Torpedo

- "Dog is my co-pilot" sticker - Torpedo

- Any sticker promoting God, peace, or Bush - Torpedo

I'm sure there's probably many more situations I could put an action towards, but by now some people have taken offense to the fact that I'd fire a devistating weapon at a car with a baby in it. Well, be glad I didn't go with my first choice weapon being a rail gun, then there really wouldn't be any arguement now would there?

Ripe With Dispair

So in an effort to eat more healthy and stave off the burrito & ramen diet, I requested and received a vegetable steamer for my birthday. I've always shyed away from eating copious amounts of vegetables because they usually end up going bad in my fridge, or I just don't have the patience to cook them. Now I have the tools to cook them and buy them frozen.
The only problem with switching up my diet is I have yet to really look forward to eating vegetables. Don't get me wrong, there are some that are pretty good (i.e. brussel sprouts...seriously), but they're not even close to comparing to a bacon ultimate cheese burger from "crack" in the box. Seriously, comparing the a crown of broccoli to a greasy ass burger is like comparing a nickel to a block of gold bullion. Given the nickel won't clog my arteries and drastically increase my chances of cancer, sometimes the nickel just needs to stay in my pocket.
Money illiterations aside, with obesity becoming an epidemic in this nation (however, I am NOT calling it a disease....because lupus is a disease, being fat is being lazy) I'm surprised more research and products haven't been invented yet to make vegetables more appealing. We all know they're not the best things from the start, so we gotta spruce them up a bit. Hell, if fruit smoothies fit the bill of a healthy snack, why arn't there government funded smoothie booths next to every post office and federal courthouse?
We can grow a human ear on a mouse, why can't we genetically manipulate eggplant to taste like a giant french fry? How about enlisting the help of underground weed growers to further the development of hydroponics and grow super spuds? Someone's already started trying to make this better, how about carrot cake? Who the hell thought about creating a cake/carrot hybrid?
What I know is this, vegetables are good, beef tastes better, and American's are getting mega fat. Some strategy might be needed to even out the leaf v. moo battle. Although I disagree with the governments ability to tell me what I can and can't eat (i.e. transfatty acids...you bastards), I DO agree that without the firm, health boot of uncle Sugar up the bloated bums of Americans to eat better, I'm pretty positive the incidence of heart disease and skyrocketing insurance rates are bound to occur.

Eat your greens fatty! I'm tired of paying your health bills!

Allow Me To Flatten That Tire For You

As per a usual poet or writer, I find myself best able to write when I'm dealing with a certain level of daily stress. Today has fallen short of that valuable resource, so once again (although limited), I find myself running severely low on blog/creative juice.

To make sure no one suffers from my shortcomings as a blogger, please enjoy this video on how a rather large piece of machinery digs tunnels. Gotta learn something new everyday right?

I Will Pay Full Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

So I've come to expect this issue early on, as noted in previous posts, but it didn't really sink in until I was playing Halo 3 last night. The connection between anonyminity, and the amount of kids (and I do mean teen and below) who talk that absolute maximum amount of smack during game play.
I'm sure there's some abstract connection with guys who own fast cars to compensate for other shortcomings and such, but the fact that they equate the ability to play Halo as being grounds to be better then others just plain eludes me.
The scenario in question occurred shortly before the end of a team based battle round where the objective is simply to kill people on the other side. Right as the round is ending and the scores have been finalized, I noticed a Humvee with a turret mounted in the back (known as a Warthog) and a player from the opposing team manning it. Before he could notice me, I promptly lobbed a grenade under the vehicle, which 99% of the time, kills at least one occupant, and flips the vehicle a$$ over teakettle. Lob one - no dice. Grenade goes off, opponents personal shield flashes, he notices me, and turns to start firing. Second grenade away with a higher chance of killing him because his shields must be failing right now.. no dice. Grenade goes off, opponent keeps firing. At this point, the kills are no longer being counted, so my game-skill level can't be affected if I die, so I do a crazy charge with nothing but the standard rifle you start with and obviously bite it quickly (never charge a gatling gun in the open - both in life and in video games - you will looooooooooose). I was surprised to see that he didn't fall even after two grenades and a hail of semi-accurate bullets. Immediately after this, I can hear him calling me a "little b*tch". I know it was him because a speaker icon flashes above any player when they're talking (because usually, you can only hear your team). So he calls me this not once, but twice. I followed up post game with what I usually do to showboating teeny-boppers, I mark him down to avoid playing him in any future games, then went a step further to "report" him to Microsoft as communicating vulgar and inappropriate language.
Given, I could have take then standard approach adopted by most of Halo's fan base and called him a slang name for a homosexual, or a f#$ker, but I didn't. Why? Pointless. Extra why? Because I'm pretty solid in the belief that were we actually playing in the same room, he wouldn't call me that. And if he did, the next "little b*tch" he tried to utter subsequently would be muffled by his own ass.
All this aside, don't get me wrong. Most (75%-85%) of the people that play Halo probably get upset with the game sometimes (I know I do), and usually vocalize a "good game" at the end of each round, regardless of winning or not. I take issue with the 13 year old who thinks they're king shit because they're able to pull off moving sniper shots and survive around with only dying once. This usually indicates to me that these kids meet the following critera:

1) They stay home from school to specifically game. Parents? You fail.

2) They have ego/self-esteem issues that are projected and replaced elsewhere. Parents? You fail.

3) They don't understand the idea behind good sportsman ship, and more importantly, respecting the opposing team which is ultimately responsible for making them better gamers/fighters. Parents? You fail.

4) They have never been engrained with a sense of humility. Apparently the saying "pride cometh before a fall" has never crossed them in school. Teachers? You fail....but only when they're in your classroom, and not being allowed to stay home and game. Parents, you are complete failures.

So in summary, I will continue to humor being called names by complete strange teenagers as I play a game I pay to play monthly. World being perfect? I'd reenact the last scene out of "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back", find each of their addresses, introduce myself as my gamertag, and pummel the stink off their a$$es.

Until then, even if they are good, they still die in the game eventually, and when they do, I'll be there to give them more tea then the Boston Tea Party.