Hollywood Is Officially Dead

  Taking a break of my epic quest that I call "holy-shit-can-I-please-get-a-job-yet?" I digress to a review of a movie I watched last night.

   I had the opportunity to watch "Movie 43" or "Jack The Giant Slayer". Naturally going currently with my luck, I went with Movie 43.

   Wow....did I fuck up.

   I'm not going to peel this movie apart to show how bad it is because I wouldn't exactly know where to start, and I'd never stop. Let's just say this is probably the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. That takes the coveted spot pushing gems like "Date Movie" to 2nd place.

   This is another example of movies where I wonder just how high or mentally retarded I need to be to actually think this shit is funny. My brain wanted me to think this was funny because it had ALOT of big stars in it, but it wasn't there.

   This must have been written by a 5 year old, because it's just littered with genital and toilet jokes, ironically, none of them that actually landed.

   What the fuck Hollywood. Have your standards all but just evaporated at this point? This is a serious argument to pirating movies again just to make sure I don't lose $6 watching movies on demand.

    I'm not the only one who thinks this. This steaming pile of movie recieved a 19/100 on Metacritic and a 4% from Rotten Tomatoes. It would have been lower, but naturally the shills are on the boards screaming about how we "just don't understand good humor" and that it had "laugh out loud moments".

  Ugh.

Microwave Mess In A Can! How Convienent!

I'm coming off of my brief haitus from blogging to bitch about Campbell's "Soup At Hand" product.

This item is basically soup in a microwaveable cup that you just "heat and sip". Well folks, it's just not that easy.

If you read the label, you'll find the very small warning "Uneven microwave heating may cause popping, movement of the cup and/or splattering". How about plain ol fuckin' tipping over on its side and flooding every crevas of inside your microwave with impossible to clean soup?

I had heated one of these once before, and the instant I noticed it was "popping" (read: literally bouncing up into the air an inch), I stopped the microwave and decided to drink luke warm soup instead of running the risk of losing it.

Today, I somehow forgot to keep a mean eye on this and sure enough, came back to it on it's side an my office's microwave flooded in "Chicken with Mini Noodles". Awesome. After spending an embarassing 10 minutes wiping out our microwave with approximately 20 brown papertowels, I got to enjoy the tepid 1/5 remaining contents of the can. Mmm mmm that was worth $1.50.

What I don't understand is that Campbell's is already aware of this problem. They never would have put the "popping" warning on the side had they not been aware of it. And yet they continue to make the container in the shape of an hour glass with the bottom slightly smaller than the top.

If they had any sense, they'd shape it more like a beaker (or a spill proof coffee mug) or at least with a flared bottom.

Instead, they got their $1.50, my co-workers got a messy ass microwave, and I got nothing but hunger.

Thanks Campbell's!

"Thy Nerdom Come, I Will Have Fun...."

First I would like to apologize for my lack of blogging efforts. In between work, going home to Idaho for a weekend, the new Deus Ex game, and basic debautchery, I just haven't had time (awww...sad face.)

That being said, Oregon-B is heading up to chill with me for a long weekend and we'll be hitting the Penny Arcarde Expo. It will be an awesome experience of playing new games, speaking to designers and producers, and just bathing in general nerdery for a complete afternoon.

Oh yeah, and there'll be bangin' hot chicks there in Cosplay and various other taudry outfits. Totally forgot about that.

Bonus Blog! I Pick My Poison (And It's Not Your Milkshake)

It's now been 1.5 months since I've had my last drink and...

...still blows.

But I've noticed that I've been good about finding various beverages to fill my consumption needs with. Most notibly is the Monster Energy Import drank. Crediting other then my consistant need to be caffinated, this drink is fancy and fun because it has a resealable lid just in case you're not able to finish the whole can (which, for most energy drink drinkers...shouldn't be a problem).

The downside of said lid is that after it has been opened and closed, when you reopen it, it fires off a money shot sized spray of energy drink inside of the same lethal radius of a hand grenade (5 meters for those of you keeping track). Suffice to say, prepare to go to a Gallagher show if you plan on drinking one of these.... you WILL get sticky.

I Can't Be Negative All Of The Time

In reviewing some of my past entries, I realize I've turned what should have been my periodic ramblings into more of a "grump-a$$" board where I can just piss and moan about stuff that irks me. And for avid followers, it's no mystery that there's ALOT of crap on this Earth that just riles me all up. So in an effort for a more PC, user friendly blog, these are a few of my favorite things:

DOTS

Dots are the bomb. Not only are they far superior to JuJu Bees (because you can actually chew them), but they can also double as a meal replacement. Seriously, a large box typically has about 800 calories. Good for eating on the go when your bastard of a boss won't afford you a lunch break.


Female Fronted Bands

After American bands started going down the toilet (circa American Idol), I began looking across the oceans for different bands that didn't suck or sound like cookie cutter sounds. There I found a bevy of bands, mostly who are fronted by female lead singers. As fruity as it may sound, I prefer female lead singers because they have better voices, and the ones from Europe tend to use more vocal range and have more talent then American singers (i.e. F**k you Courtney Love)

Chicks In Boots
Definately no mystery to most readers, I am a pretty big fan of the Fall season. Why? Chicks wearin' boots! That's why! In all seriousness, I'm not entirely clear why this fashion look is so awesome. Maybe because it presents a look where women exude more power or confidence. Maybe because the term "f**k me boots" screams in my head everytime I see them. No idea... all I do know is that I just wish it was Fall all the time. (caveat #1 - Uggs are not boots ) (caveat #2 - I'm also a huge fan of corsets and latex...see above)


Denny's

While I am an avid supporter of Jack In The Box, Denny's has always been my weapon of choice when it comes to artery clogging goodness. Provided their inability to provide me with a side of sour cream when I ask for it (try it, bet you don't get it), their "bacon-flavored-everything" just captures my attention everytime I see their commercials. And don't even get me started on their skillets!


Gaming

Most pretty much view it as pissing away time until something fun crops up, but for me and my close band of (few) friends, quite the opposite. Gamers pretty much have their own subculture these days, and it's one of the few things I know I can say I'm wicked awesome at (piano? No, I stopped that sh*t years ago). And as being an avid gamer since computers were referred to as "386-SX 33's", I take serious issue with the gaming industry attempting to pull families into the fray. Heeeelllll no. Get the hell outta my world. Go back to taking family pictures while ya'll are wearing the same shirt. And for f**k's sake, throw away your Wii.


Chick Gamers

While the concept is awesome, I've yet to actually meet a woman who is good at gaming. And I don't mean good enough to play Halo where they spend the majority of their time attempting to figure out the Y-Axis look controls and actually shoot an enemy. I mean a girl that can crush me at Halo, or can whoop my a$$ at Tron on the arcade cabinet. I'm talking about a girl that knows what a 3D6+2 means, or knows the story of the rise of the Chaos forces from the Warhammer 40k lore. Huh? Crickets? Yeah...I thought so.


Goth Chicks

Early on in my life, these were girls that I'd quite literally cut my own foot off and give to them if they asked. Later on that same life, I learned that if chicks looked gothy (aka "Chelsea Girls"), there was typically something MASSIVELY wrong with them. Not like the age 15-19 phase gothic chicks, I'm talking mid-late 20's. Yikes. So at this point in my life, I've learned that they're like Ming vases, awesome to look at, but don't even think about touching one....or you will pay...dearly.

WhiskeyBooze in general is one of my most favorite things, however, Scotch and Whiskey take the cake. After adding multi-booze drinks to my Murtough list, I found that sippin' Whiskey is a good time had by all. Although I'm currently "on the wagon" as it were, I look forward to the chance to meeting my good friend Bushmills again.

Sleep

Something I'm still catching up on from my Army days, sleep is just awesome. Like most teenagers, if given the chance, I WILL sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. And yes, I drool like a busted water main.


PORN

So, in light of the fact that I typically blog from work, I couldn't actually google a remotely amusing half pic of porn, so I just went with this space saver. In keeping with the bachelor contract I signed before birth, I have a massive box of porn in my gaming room, as well as a share drive pretty much devoted to storing it. Sad? Probably. Do I know more about human sexuality and crazy a$$ sexual dealings than 99.5% of humanity? ABSOLUTELY.

So A Straight Guy Has To Chime In Now Huh?

For those who have read this blog for a while, they would know that I go nutty for a woman in boots. I think nothing compliments most outfits better, and nothing helps a woman exude more power (for whatever reason) then a pair of boots. That being said, man has not made all pairs of boots the same. Below, I have outlined what is acceptable and not acceptable to wear in the boot world. Ladies, some of these boots, if you think are cute, you need to go ahead and drop off your fashion license because you're dead f**king wrong. Yeah, the "but they're comfortable" arguement only goes so far. Look, if you're wearing something designed to compliment your outfit, 10 to 1, not going to be comfortable. Let's get started:

Equestrian

Verdict: Uh, no. Flat boots are lazy and you might as well be a gay guy.

UGGs (Aka "They're comfortable")

Verdict: Hell no. Take that sh*t off your feet.

Expensive A$$ Designer Boots

Verdict: F*CK NO!.....EWWW!

Gladiator Sandal/Boot Hybrid

Verdict: Not terrible. Definately some summer/beach fashion to this noise.

Standard Knee High Boot Verdict: An absolute fashion staple for all wardrobes. Throw out your "equestrian" sh*t and get these.

Thigh High Boots

Verdict: Apparently my dreams have come true in that this was named the boot fashion for 2011, so fall will be just awesome.

Am I weird for being a straight guy and posting this? Maybe. But ask any guy, and they'll most likely agree. When it comes to boots, comfort shouldn't be the highest priority. If it is, well that means you probably value moonboots waaay more than a normal human should.

I'm Sorry, I Wasn't Aware My Xbox360 Could Travel Through Time

So in my usual impulsive, game buying nature, I decided to give hype a shot and bought this game because I understood it to be good. I understood the hype wrong.

I believe this is one of those rare times where a great game producer (i.e. Bioware) ends up putting out complete crap. Unfortunately, the hype was generated for the fact that Bioware was putting out this type of game.

Let's highlight the good parts of the game:

None

Now let's highlight the bad issues with the game:

- Graphics. I've played (and still play) some very old games and I've never been a graphics snob, especially playing my games on ancient tvs and monitors. These graphics were inexcusibly poor.

- Story. I'm a fan of backstory in games, but what designers need to remember is that their average consumer gamer is a dude. Not a guy, not a man, a dude. Dead Space had the perfect backstory with just enough depth, "stuck on a scary ship, need to repair it to get off, the chick you're working with turns out to be a traitorous bit*h, karma sucks". Perfect. Having to listen and memorize every NPC's backstory is not only a waste of my time, it's also a waste of work that could be spent instead on killing crap.

- Game play. I've only played a few games that actually play themselves, and this is one of them. When you go into combat, your character literally starts attacking enemies on it's on with not a press of any button. What is fun about this?

- Customization. The equipment and weapons customization was terrible. Graphics, design, and menu usage. Just spectacularly terrible.

- Downloadable Content. Okay, WTF am I paying $60 for a game that posted content you can buy online the same day the game is released? I equate this to software producers posting major patches for glitchy software after a program is released. There's no excuse for it.

Suffice to say, playing Dragon Age Origins was painful. I played it for about 10 hours and was absolutely not pulled into it. The fact that I bought a crappy game doesn't piss me off as much as the fact that many gamers will be duped into buying this crappy game because it has a big name on it. And what pisses me off even worse are there are those shills that are paid to post glowing reviews of this crap on sites like gamefaqs.com. (Go there and read any 10/10 reviews, those are shills, and full of complete b.s.)

Anyway Bioware, this is your warning from me. I already put your Dragon Age game on Goozex.com and got 1000 points for it. I will absolutely do the same if ya'll do it again with your next big game, whatever it is.

KGB (542542) Is WROOOOOOONG.

The other day during a trip to the bar, whilst, I was drinking a beer, I decided to take the KGB (i.e. 99 cent cell phone google service) for a test run to see what they had to say to a few questions. Bascially, I was trying to play stump the chump with what is supposed to be an answer service.

Yes, they got the number of lifeboats on the Titanic correct, however, they did get a question wrong. And what I like to consider, a pretty easy question wrong.

Who said "that which does not kill us, only makes us strong"? No, they didn't say Kanye West, but they did say it was Goethe.

WRONG.

Ol' KGB needs to do abit more fact checkin' on their Friday nights. Guess I won't be usin' them anymore.

Lacuna Coil - BEST BAND EVER.

So backstory on this, I've been listening to Lacuna Coil, a metal band from Italy, since around 2003. Oregon-B exposed me to this band and with every album that gets released, I like them that much more.

The music is heavy, the lyrics are very well written, and let's just face it...Cristina, the lead singer (pictured above) is just smokin' hot, and even moreso in person!

I recently saw them a few days ago in concert at Neumos in Seattle. This was a tiny venue where I could have almost literally reached out and strummed on the guitars of the band. I was in the second row and loving it.

Their sound is perfect. Her and Andrea Ferro (the lead male vocal) have voices that don't need to be put through any mixing equipment because they are flawless. High energy show with a band that hasn't forgotten their roots. Every person on stage has refined their talent enough so that when they are all working together, it's just absolutely flawless and awe inspiring. I've been to many concerts and hands down, Lacuna Coil is the best band I have ever seen live. End of f**king story.

What makes it even more awesome is that Cristina actually shook my hand. :P Yep. I sound like a tween girl, but seriously...when you've listened to a band as much as I have listened to them, actually seeing the band live, and literally being 6 feet away from them is just something that is undescribable.

Lacuna Coil is an unstoppable musical juggernaut that I will follow FOREVER!!!

ROCK ON LACUNA COIL!

No, I Will Not Screw My Food

Rarely do I take issues with certain resturants and their claim to fame, but I found one today that just pissed me off.

For lunch, me and few co-workers went to a place called Salumi's, which apparently are renown in Seattle for their excellent sausage and so forth.

When I walked up on the place, I immediately noticed that the building was extremely skinny. The place where patrons could walk resembled that of a hallway on a nuclear sub. Two people could not stand shoulder to shoulder without be crushed up against either a wall or the counter. Secondly, the bizarre hours of being open 11am to 4 pm, Tuesday through Friday...seriously?

One thing to remember about people that grew up in the Seattle area is that food to them is another love. "Foodies" as they describe themselves, are people that are essentially snobbish about what they eat...(I guess that would make me a "Pornie"). The more abstract and bizarre an eatery is, apparently the more appeal (check out the "Salumi" link and scroll down at all the 5 stars).

I digress. So after wading my way through this hallway called a sandwich shop, I guess to the girl who takes my order. Asking me what I wanted on my salami sandwhich, I denied cheese (lactose intolerant) and I denied any peppers (had work today, not really a poopin' day). So in essance, all I got was a pile of greasy salami on a GIANT roll with what looked to be a thin spread of pesto. $10.

The funnier part is when I was asked if would be dine in or carry out. To the front of the store, there is a tiny table with two chairs (obviously taken)....then I look to my left and at the back end of the store is one three chair table (taken) and one 6 chair table (all but one chair is taken). "Seriously?" Last I checked, I'm not a huge fan of eating my meat on bread sandwich stuffed in a closet with a bunch of people who might bun-f*ck their food at any minute.

After I had the opportunity to sit (outside), I dug in...and sure enough...it was 90% bread, 10% salami...and it tasted like salami on bread.

If "fine dining" is like this, I'll stick to my ramen and cheese sticks.

Evil On Evil With Evil On The Side

Went out drinking last week in an effort to locate the local watering holes that serve semi cheap beer. Stumbled upon a place called the "Twilight Exit" where I discovered this marvel.

Allow me shed light on my poor camera phone picture. You're looking at chicken fried bacon. Yep. Don't need to read it twice. This big pile of saturated goodness was served with a side of country gravy.

Did I need to order it? No. I ate dinner and had already ordered a HUGE plate of nachos. However, out of sheer morbid disgust for what this could do to the human body, I had to try it.

And the verdict is: it was f**king tasty. Given I might have used up a weeks worth of my Recommended Daily Allowance of sodium and fat, this was pretty much the best tasting bar food I've had. It's not designed to fill you up when you get the munchies...(like nachos), but it's designed to go awesome with your beer.

And yes, I could hear one of my arteries slamming shut the instant I bit down on a piece.

FRS - They Gone And Made Me Dood It

So in an exciting new catagory for my blog, I will now be submitting product reviews from time to time to talk about the good, bad, and ugly items that I stumble across in my daily ritual of life.

I'm not so much starting this category because I thought it was a good idea, I'm doing it because the FRS energy drink disturbed me so much I realized that there is a need for it. To assist others in not making the same mistakes I am. Remember ya'll, Caveat Emptor.

So let's talk about FRS, the energy drink in question. I was lead to buy this product because the Supplement Facts is a mile long and provides everything from Vitamin C to Vitamin B12. It even provided a certain amount of dietary Fiber...which if you know as much about nutrition as I do, will find it odd fo find dietary fiber in an energy drink. I was honestly excited to finally find a drink that would ramp me up and was good for me.

I was wrong.

When I opened it, I immediately noticed the color of the product (I bought the lemon/lime flavor) was a light, foggy green. Almost looked like swamp water. That's when the smell hit me. It smelled like lemon, lime, and something akin to something that was left in the refridgerator far too long. The taste was even worse. It tasted like tangy feet.
Now I like to think I have exotic tastebuds because I'll usally try to do anything about once, but drinking this energy drink was actually me forcing myself to drink it because I loathe the idea of pissing away $1.99 just because I bought a can of swamp piss.

Only after I logged onto their site did I realize the stuff was endorsed by Lance Armstrong. Now don't get me wrong, I think Lance is a the epitome of strength and endurance, but I wonder if he's tasted this stuff. I doubt even his superhuman body could take more then a couple cans of this tree-crap puree.