500th Post! BOOYAH.

fig. 1-1 Never thought I'd make it! 

So today is a twice magical day as it is indeed not only my 500th blog post, but also my birthday. It's been a long road to walk, but well worth, and my plans to continue that walk will be littered hopefully with another 500 blog posts about all sorts of rants and praises to everything from fat people to how awesome some shit is (mind you some, not alot).

Now, I am far from a materialistic person, but everyone always has those birthday wants on their special day...here are just a few of mine:

#1 - Amy Lee (Evanescence) & Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil) Do A Duet

As previously seen as being the two front runners on my Top 5 list, both of these female lead vocalists have AMAZING voices, and it would make my head (along with many, many other fans) explode if they were to partner up and do a duet. Not only would it be a song for the ages, it would also expose alot of fans to each others sound. Sooo, everyone wins! (And I wouldn't mind snuggling with both of them..just snuggling, and yes...at the same time)

#2 - Chicks in Latex & Boots At My House

 Now you're probably automatically thinking the most perverse thing possible, and no, not like that. I would simply want a crew like this to hang out at my house, possibly do some house work, maybe play Xbox a bit, chill with me over some Red Bull...and maybe, no, definitely take a shower with me (throw back to "Weird Science"). And yes, still in latex and boots. Okay, yeah, a little perverse. Mea Culpa.

#3 - Own A Jelly Bean Farm

 Yes, I am aware that jelly bean farms do not exist, but yet, I would love to own one. While I know zero about farming and I'm not honestly a fan of jelly beans, I think just being able to respond to "what do you do for a living" with "I'm a jelly bean farmer" would just beat out any other ice breaker at any and all parties!

#4 - Win A Gross Amount Of Money

Again, I will point out that I'm far from materialistic. However, it would be the best birthday present ever if I won a gross amount of money. I would immediately pay off my brothers student loans, send a chunk of money to my mother to live comfortably forever, then I would take the rest, buy my last employer, and shut their shit down in two seconds. Given, I would be shutting down some vital resources for individuals in need, but that's a small price to pay for the smiting.

#5 - Own The US Gymnastics Team

'Nuff said. I won't go into detail on that. 

  So as I close out the 500th blog entry, I want to thank my readers, both incidental and regular, for taking the time to read my crazy rants and opinions on everything ranging from stupid people to cheese. Read all you want, and I'll keep writing more. 

PAX 2011 Afterthoughts...and Thoughts...and Thoughts

Oregon-B endedup coming up for the weekend, and we attended the 2011 Pax Convention in Seattle.

Few thoughts, in a-typical bullet format:

- It was refreshing to be surrounded by soooo many gamers. Even though some took it alot more seriously than me...nice to finally be in a place that talks my language.

- Booth Babes...best idea ever. And if any models are reading this that have done that kind of work, you're just awesome.

- I'm not entirely sure what someone would do at that place for 3 days, but 1 day seemed good.

-Mental Note: Sleep more before the convention. Gaming conventions apparently involve ALOT of walking.

- Free stuff always a plus. Got my hands on a Halo lego set...which I plan to cover in protective plastic and sit on for 30 years to cash in on Ebay...if Ebay still exists.

- Suprisingly, there were ALOT of women at the convention too. And not the kind that occasionally play some regular Xbox Arcade games. These girls were knee deep in people's asses on the Halo gamecase and such.

- Video games are awesome.

- Booth babes...seriously....awesome.

"Thy Nerdom Come, I Will Have Fun...."

First I would like to apologize for my lack of blogging efforts. In between work, going home to Idaho for a weekend, the new Deus Ex game, and basic debautchery, I just haven't had time (awww...sad face.)

That being said, Oregon-B is heading up to chill with me for a long weekend and we'll be hitting the Penny Arcarde Expo. It will be an awesome experience of playing new games, speaking to designers and producers, and just bathing in general nerdery for a complete afternoon.

Oh yeah, and there'll be bangin' hot chicks there in Cosplay and various other taudry outfits. Totally forgot about that.

Where Am I And What's Going On??

Hollywood: Hey Azurael, Anne Hathaway's going to be the next catwoman.

Azurael: What?? Are you serious? God they'll pick anyone for that role! I'm still pissed about Halle Berry!

Hollywood: Well, we're still going to put her in a catsuit and boots.

Azurael: Throw in a motorcycle and you got yourself a deal.

Bonus Blog! Where Were You When I Was Rollin' Die...

This picture is of several Comicon goers this year.

Where were these girls when I was growing up. Wait, let me answer that. They didn't exist yet. Much like the Internet, these girls were not yet in existence.

What makes me even more angry, I can't fathom what women that do this are thinking. Do they know they're driving the nerds bonkers by looking this good (and nerdy)?

But seriously, where the f**k were these women hiding?!

Math Doesn't Do You Justice

I love women. Everytime I see an attractive woman, I thank God I'm a heterosexual male with fully functioning eyesight and body parts.

But as I've thought about women, even the finest of all women (See my "Top 5 List"), are good alone, but for some reason, they're just way more finer in a group. Even if they're not in any type of discernable, established group or community, even looking alike, I think it just makes each member of the group incrementally hotter.

String Quartets: "Escala"

I'm a sucker for a woman who knows how to play a violin. I am a HUGE sucker for four women that know how to play stringed instruments, and just happen to love to wear leather and heels.

Another String Quartet: "Bond"

I'm beginning to notice a theme here between strings and leather. Hmmm.

Chicks In Fetishwear
Ladies, the male mind tends to go a bit haywire when they see a woman dressed as though she's going to put you in alot of pain. And I can guarentee you his head will be close to exploding if there are four of you.

The 2008 Summer Olympics: The Russian Gymnasts

One gymnast, hot. A team of gymnasts? Call the fire department.

Chick Rock Bands: "Drain STH"

Double bonus here, foreign and all chicks. Notice how even the semi-homely one on the right appears to be somewhat more attractive? (Trust me, they look way better actually playing musical instruments)


Nerd Fantasy Chicks: "Slave Leia"

Now, while not one of my personal cups of tea, most nerds I know dig heavy on the Slave Leia fantasy. I can't even imagine the protein stains involved should they talk the wrong turn at a Comic Con and walk into this photo shoot.


Comic Convention: "Alike-Cosplay-Girls"

Chicks dressed up in anything abormal will pretty much light the fire under a guy. Yeah, we're pretty simple minded like that. Although it typically helps if said costuming is slutty in nature and made of the tightest fitting material known to man.

Either way, any pack of these women could jump me in a dark alley and I'm pretty sure I'd be a-okay.

My Music Shields My Ears From Your Insanity

Dear The Corrs,

I would like to add you as a band who I recently have grown very fond of while listening to Jango. Your voices are wonderful to listen to, as are your lyrics. And I'm of course not forgetting the fact that you're a bunch of really smokin' hot Irish chicks (and some dude).

Thanks again,

Azurael

Bonus Blog! Stream Of Passion y Goodness

Dear Marcela Bovio,

I recently discovered you and your band. Thank you for being a fantastic singer, thank you for not being part of the American "pre-built" music that is currently being produced, and most of all, thank you for being slammin' hot.

Respectfully,

Azurael

Women Do It Better....Uh, Mostly....

At the risk of sounding misogonistic, there are somethings women just cannot claim to be good at. Yes, I can hear alot of internet browsers going to another webpage, but I still hold this to be true. Per usual, I will present evidence in a bullet list:

• Frontline Combat - Seriously, pit me upagainst 95% of our female soldiers..guarenteed win.
• Boy Scout Leaders - Uhh....what's the first word? OH YEAH.
• Race Car Drivers - Danica Patrick, 'nuff said.
• Republicans - Something about attempting to shut down your own human rights just seems odd to me.
• (Most) Bosses - I've only ever had one female boss that was good, and while she was good, she was probably a bit too polite to tell me when I was screwing up.
• Gamers - I'm sorry ladies, unless you grew up an awkward 14 year old boy that had no friends and no one liked you, you just can't game like we do. In fact, I've never actually met a woman that knew more about games than I do.
• Perverted - I've heard plenty of women gush about how much they love sex, but you know what....there is no woman on this Earth that can hold a candle to a guy in terms of being more perverted. Now whether that ends up being bad? Whole different story.

Now with all this being said, there are many many many things that women typically do that often make guys look bad in the process:

• Superheros - Let's face it, short of a select few, most heroines and female villians are just really good at what they do (and look awesome in pretty much any costume - reference pic).
• Military Police - Every female soldier I had working under me were typically smarter, quicker, and waaaay more aggressive then most of my male soldiers.
• Seeming Perverted - Although women can't truely be more perverted, they can give a jaw dropping scene of seeming to be perverse. Most men would agree with me, any time a girl says something dirty, our brains stop functioning.
• Social Workers/Psychology - I will hand this over. Women seem to have a much stronger grasp on empathy then men do. I've dealt with a social worker before and she was just amazing!
• Nurses - Because guys shouldn't be nurses. I mean...come on. Really?

I'm sure there are quite a few I'm leaving out, and no, I'm not saying that men are superior to women. We definately suck at ALOT of aspects of life...but hey, I'm just sayin.

Lacuna Coil - BEST BAND EVER.

So backstory on this, I've been listening to Lacuna Coil, a metal band from Italy, since around 2003. Oregon-B exposed me to this band and with every album that gets released, I like them that much more.

The music is heavy, the lyrics are very well written, and let's just face it...Cristina, the lead singer (pictured above) is just smokin' hot, and even moreso in person!

I recently saw them a few days ago in concert at Neumos in Seattle. This was a tiny venue where I could have almost literally reached out and strummed on the guitars of the band. I was in the second row and loving it.

Their sound is perfect. Her and Andrea Ferro (the lead male vocal) have voices that don't need to be put through any mixing equipment because they are flawless. High energy show with a band that hasn't forgotten their roots. Every person on stage has refined their talent enough so that when they are all working together, it's just absolutely flawless and awe inspiring. I've been to many concerts and hands down, Lacuna Coil is the best band I have ever seen live. End of f**king story.

What makes it even more awesome is that Cristina actually shook my hand. :P Yep. I sound like a tween girl, but seriously...when you've listened to a band as much as I have listened to them, actually seeing the band live, and literally being 6 feet away from them is just something that is undescribable.

Lacuna Coil is an unstoppable musical juggernaut that I will follow FOREVER!!!

ROCK ON LACUNA COIL!

Azurael's Top 5

So finally I've been able to whittle the choices of my celebrity "top 5" (where people settled on 5 being the magic number, I have no idea), and here are said choices from #5 to #1.

#5. Kate Beckinsale

-Very talented actress and massively gorgous to boot. The fact that she's a celebrity that acts with class and style is rare, plus she's been in three films wearing rubber and toting guns...'nuff said!


#4. Sharon Den Adel

- The lead singer of Within Temptation, this Dutch hottie has a powerful set of pipes and sings in a very awesome, hauntingly fashion.


#3. Charlize Theron

- I will not hold her responsible for the massive creative and overall failure of Aeon Flux because she has proved time and time again that she is a great actress, and usually is always flawless when in front of the camera.

#2. Amy Lee

- Originally #1 on the list, Amy was moved to #2 after having dated that tool from Seether. Besides this, Amy is still by and far one of the most talented voices I've heard, plus she has amazing eyes.

#1. Cristina Scabbia

- Lead singer of the Italian metal group Lacuna Coil, Cristina is the type of woman that could easily attend a formal evening event and look like she fell from Heaven. Andlater that night, drink Guinness for hours at the bar with you and join you for a puke fest in a back alley dumpster when you've had to much...this all of course after she started a bar fight just to work off some of the calories.

A Brand New Kind of Sole

After debating furiously in my head about this next entry, I decided to go ahead and announce that one of my next heros are Chicks in Boots!

Now I say I debated putting this entry in because usually when guys gush about female footwear, it means one of two things: 1) They're clearly gay. But even then, it's usually only trannies or queens that do this, or 2) They're flaming perverts. Be it a sick fascination with female clothing, or just a shoe fetish in general, it's pretty wrong.

I can assure I am neither, but despite me being a sucker for certain fashions, I will submit the following. Most people associate boots with either work or war, both of which exude a certain level of challenge. Chicks that wear boots get this transferrence of confidence that would be required to take on a challenge. And the fact that boots either require really tight pants and/or a skirt doesn't hurt either. This is further emphasized by alot of women in metal bands (as pointed out by the ever awesome Cristina Scabbia of Lacuna Coil seen above).

I guess to sum it up to women that might not equate it, it would be the equivalent of a guy walking down the street with a tight shirt on. If not the same reason for attraction, definately the equal effect with most guys. I've seen guys damn near get whiplash when a boot wearin' cutie walks by. And I know not just because they're cute because I've heard the ensuing comments, and oddly enough, usually from Soldiers. This goes back to my "work or war" theory...either that or because most women refer to heeled boots as "f$*k-me boots".

Take it from an observant straight guy ladies, heels exude femininity, boots exude confidence, and flats exude an abhorrant disregard for your wardrobe.

Further more, Uggs don't count because they make you look stuck up. And flat soled boots don't count because they make you look like a trailor park dominatrix. And for the record before this fashion faux pas gets out of hand for Fall 2007, ankle length boots like horrific.

Chicks in Boots - Take-you-on-a-date-and-rock-your-world Heroines

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Armed

The next listed hero is the atypical "Chicks with Guns".

Every (straight) man is ingrained with certain ideals from birth. One of those greater ideals of attraction states that a woman doing anything that is usually classified as "macho" is automatically sexy. Guns are the absolute caviar of manly stuff, followed notably by "chicks with swords", "chicks with bombs", and "chicks working on cars".

Heroines such as Aeon Flux, Laura Croft, and yes, even the main character from Ultraviolet reinforce the fact that women that appear as though they would rather be attending a party, but just so happened into the need to tear down entire cities with hand cannons was acceptable as well. It movies and instances like this that I appreciate the fact that men are visual learners.

On a different axiom, I've had the ability to actually see women in combat during my time in the Army. Despite the fact that I did have some pretty aggressive male soldiers, the most aggressive soldiers I've had were female. They carried the bigger guns (by choice), they usually were the first ones to kick down doors during law enforcement, and they never failed to qualify on a weapons range. Now obviously I'm talking in broad terms, as no gender is 100% perfect. But this definitely tore down the line for me in terms of how men and women fight.

All this aside, nobody minds the sight of a Chick with a Gun, just as long as they aren't pointing at you. And if you're not convinced, tell me you've never heard of Annie Oakley.

Chicks With Guns - Wicked Fine Destruction Heroines

I Shall Take A Large Mug Of Meade My Good Sir

Let me tell you about someone that makes every morning more bearable as the days go on. I'm here to tell you about a news anchor by the name of Robin Meade. This woman is awesome in many, many ways..despite the fact that all she does is report the news.
The top saving grace, is that she doesn't have the oddly timed actions, one-liners, or grimaces that some of the greater anchors (i.e. Rather, Jennings) have had. I imagine that if I had pushed a table right up against the bottom of the tv, I'd be eating breakfast with her in the morning.
Which brings me to my next point. Before I starting going to the gym in the morning (especially ones with tv's in them), I wasn't familiar with her at CNN. Now when I'm watching her, I for some reason run faster. I could be, oh I don't know, her wicked hotness??
Another is, every time this show comes back from commerical break, she always has something geniunely sassy to say. Usually it's a comment such as "welcome back. What are you doing up so early?" As to which I subconsciously reply "to improve muscular strength and endurance, and to dream of you as you report on issues overseas."

I have never loved watching the news so much. Robin Meade - News Anchor Heroine

Speak of My Only Amy Lee

Since my senior year in high school, I have been what some would most likely call "goth". I find this hard to believe as I really don't enjoy drawing attention to myself and I have no facial peircings, tattoos, weird habits, etc. In comparison to actual goth people I've met, the goth people pretty much are so goth they're dead when compared to me. I have managed to make a mark as when I was in the Army, a pack of Captains during my course referred to me as "Marilyn" (as in Marilyn Manson) after I showed up to a workplace party dressed in black, with a wig and collar covered in razor blades. Despite the fact I wasn't really going as anything, apparently my semi-romanesque nose makes me look like Manson. I didn't really believe it at first until I went to a bar afterwards and a woman actually approached me as though I was him. Oh dear God, why would Marilyn Manson be at a crappy bar in Saint Robert, Missouri (Mapquest it and you'll understand my contempt for her).
Anyway, now that background is provided, I speak of Amy Lee. One musical artist that I have truely grown an affection for in everyway. Most pronounced would be her voice. Her vocals in all of her songs are truly a marvel, and still influence a "whoa" between today and the first time I heard her voice. Secondly, her and the group has never claimed to be anything other then a group. Sure there was that weird rumor going around that they were a Christian band, but unlike most bands that work WAAAAY to hard on their image, Evanescence has always seemed to be dedicated to music. I'm not a crazy fan (i.e. know every little factoid about them), so I believe this gives me a level headed view. And to prove it, I will say their music videos are somewhat lacking in creativity and atmosphere.
Finally, (and ya'll knew this was coming) she is what I believe to be picture perfect in terms of the type of woman I would go for. After watching their "Anywhere But Home" videos from the tour, given she did fall for the lead singer of Seether (ugh), she's very human and very approachable. Most of all she's not afraid to down a big ass plate of McDonalds.

So there you have it. Amy Lee of Evanescence is my #1 Blog Hero for the fact that she has talent, style, and looks. I figured it was going to come out at some point during my future blogging endevors, so I thought I'd just get it out of the way now.