Who Let The Crazy Get Cold?

So occasionally during the weekends, I get random thoughts. Unfortunately, I never keep a timely log of these, so I usually forget them...but here's a small glass of crazy from my crazy stream of thought.

- Any Xbox Game with an alien lesbian sex scene is alright by me.

- Why is it that in "The Little Engine That Could", the main character is rewarded with success after many attempts to conquer a challenge, however, in "Moby Dick", one of the main characters is punished with being harpooned to a whale, only after attempting to conquer a challenge?

- Who the hell thought it a good idea to put giblets in anything (i.e. gravy, stuffing, etc), nonetheless actually cook and eat the damn things.

- I would NEVER stand outside Walmart for 3 hours in the freezing cold on Black Friday just so I could shop at 5 am. Even if they were giving out free cars and handjobs, I would NEVER consider doing that crap.

- (ref: above) F#*k K-Mart!

- What do my cats do when I'm not home?

And finally...

- WTF Zemekis? You've cranked out top quality hits like Back to the Future, but then you take a story that's almost 1000 years old and rearrange it just so that Angelina can be extra-naked and the story can have a perfect plot line? Geez! What you did to the character of Beowulf would be the equivelent of making Superman cry at the site of sick puppies.

"And So Stood Me By The Ho Hum Tree...."

So today is benefits renewal day at work, which concerns me that I have this much time to actually stop processing insurance paperwork and blog (booooorrrring), but I thought I'd throw down a few random thoughts I had anyway while I tredge through benefits renewal.

o The human bladder can hold, on average, about 13 oz....soo, where on earth does the 7-11 X-Treme Gulp come into play? Especially that cup being loaded with the equivlent of 4.33 sodas, or roughly an average of 520 calories worth of soda.

o I shouldn't have eaten those steam brussel sprouts last night.

o Why does it always rain when I wear my black slacks?

o I wonder if I could expense shag carpeting in my office if I argued it made people with HR oriented complaints more calm...

o In addition to eating those brussel sprouts last night, I probably shouldn't have run as hard as I did this morning at the gym.

o I bet all the attendees at the Sundance Film Festival are pretentious.

o I still haven't gotten my $100 check from Rent.com.

o I haven't had pecan pie in a really long time. Oooh, chocolate pecan pie is the best.

o I remember one of the Majors I used to work for back at Fort Leonard Wood, man that guy was a dick.

o I am really glad I don't work at Kmart anymore. Especially now that it's Christmas season and everyone turns into complete flaming retards over a single day. F those people who tried to return Christmas decorations after Christmas.

Anyway, back to administratin'.

Clip-On's Don't Make Them Any Less Irritating

So other then the occasional wearing of a tie with my Class B uniforms in the Army, I rarely have worn a tie except for my time at Kmart.

Shortly after the Kmart/Sears merger (Kmart claims they bought Sears...however I think it's funny that Kmart is adopting all Sears Operating Procedures), the Kmart managers went from having to wear a solid blue/red shirt (can't remember which color), and starting wearing slacks and button up shirts with ties. You'll notice this being similar to what most Sears employees wear.

Aside from my complete pissing and moaning that it is impossible to do a freight oriented retail job wearing this hokey outfit, I realized that I may have committeed a social faux pas while I was there. At the start, I kept my tie on rotation. I had about four ties that I rotated through. I'm not big on them, and still can barely actually tie them, so I didn't hassle too much with them. After a while when the charm wore off, I just stuck to the same tie. It was a black and red tie that had a super subtle checker pattern (I detest patterned ties). I wore it everyday I worked, and never really thought about tie etiquette when it comes to cleaning/wearing. I understand that it may look odd, but is there a requirement to wash it every so often? I kept it clean, and obviously never sweat on it. Hmmm.

Well, all that said, ties suck.

Repeat = Necessity

In a recent bout of laxity towards going to the gym, I've come to realize there is alot we do in our lives, that we should only have to make an effort to do really good a few times. The perfect example is a wedding. People plan like hell to have one, it turns out good (sometimes), and for the rest of their lives, they can prattle on about their "perfect wedding". There are many things where our efforts are not reflected for a long period of time. Sure things we constantly do may affect us in the short term, but for some reason, people accept the fact that they have to do somethings pretty forever.

For example:

Going To The Gym - I've probably logged more gym/exercise hours in the past 9 years then any average Amercian has spent doing something to save the environment in their entire life. Why is it I still have to go with regularity? I understand how biology works, but I would submit that if life were truly just, I could hit the gym as hard as I did for five years, and spend the rest of my life eating steak fat and brown gravy, and still be sporting a six pack and a muscular back.

Going To The Bathroom - Once again, biology aside, am I the only one who gets tired of going to the bathroom? Studies show that the average person spends about three years in the bathroom. I can certainly imagine better ways of using my time.

Waiting In Line - As a new law, I would propose that all lines, no matter where, are assorted into reverse chronological order, with the eldest at the front. Why? Because they've spent more time waiting in line then you, and I'm pretty sure they're totally done with it.

Going To The Dentist - I only say this because everytime I go, I seem to have a brand new cavity. I'm not sure how that's possible seeing as how I have little to no original tooth space left after all the fillings I've had so far. I guess the only real way to get around this is to get dentures...but then you've got a new set of problems.

I don't feel above anything like this, I just believe that certain tasks that have no limit of effort are questionable at best.

Blonde Girl + (Enter Mechanical Device) + Horror Film = Doomed!

So as I was riding in an elevator yesterday, I had an epiphany.

Everyone has seen the scene in scary movies where some hapless victim is outrunning the bad guy, somehow gets to an elevator (instead of the stairs, being faster), and uses the "Close Door" button.

As we all know, this button does not immediately close the doors.

I wonder if anyone that has ever designed or built elevators, sitting in the movie audience thought "hmm, we should really make that button have a better response time."

Would You Like To Attend The Boot-Butt Banquet Sir?

Someone a bit ago asked me what I miss the most about the Army. Although my initial intent was to respond with the usual "long hours, even longer deployment, and rapidly flucuating quality of leadership", I decided to go with the truth: I miss whoopin' ass.
During my stint in the Army, I was fortunate enough to spend 1.5 years as the Provost Marshal Operations Officer. For those non-Army types, this was essentially the "Chief of Police". I was responsible for the day to day running of all security forces on a military installation of about 24,000 people, massing about 40,000 acres. Given there were days this job was less glamorous then it sounds, it had it's moments.
Those moments were usually on the weekends or during a dry spell in the office when I'd gear up in Military Police crime fighting gear, hop in a patrol car, and go "fight crime". This was looked down upon by my leadership for generally three reasons:

1) Officers (I was a Lieutenant at the time) are usually expected not to do any type of manual work that Enlisted Soldiers do (patrolling is considered an Enlisted Task)

2) Most Military Police Officers hate law enforcement. Unfortunately, I joined the Army because I LOVE law enforcement.

3) I had the knack for getting into the worst crap imaginable, arresting it, and bringing it back to the station.

Given I've never had the opportunity to shoot at any one, guns have been drawn, batons have been swung, and pepperspray has been fired off. Military Police patrols are very dynamic due to the fact that 90% of patrolling is sheer boredom. While patrolling, the only real way to keep yourself amused is to actually look for trouble. Given this, should you yourself (because they were usually 1 man patrols) get into a something in a bad way, every bored MP in a 10 mile radius would drive through peoples houses to get to the action. Maybe not always to save your hide, but at least they'll be there.
My constant thought as I was charging either into a house first (which seemed to always happen) or when I was taking on more then one drunk, I could go in swing because I was confident I would have about a dozen battle hungry MP's there in less then 2 minutes. So all I had to do was survive for that time, and I was golden.
And believe me, there were a few times that I'm glad they were bored.

"And Pull Your Damn Pants Up! What's Wrong With You Kids These Days?!"

So let's talk about a disturbing trend that I believe has now passed. This would be the art of "roof jumping". I can remember there being little murmor of this when I was younger, but the idea of jumping off a roof (onto anything other then ALOT of fresh snow) just struck me as stupid. Plain ass stupid. Being from the school of stupid things kids do, I've graduated most courses to include:

- Throwing fire crackers bare handed
- Covering myself in off and jumping through camp fires
- Flooding outhouses
- Driving on ice covered roads in a 1979 GM station wagon with no headlights and bald tires
- Pushing over half rotted trees around crowds of people
- Getting tabasco sauce on my hands then going to the bathroom

Yes, all of them carried consequences...but nothing comparable to a telescoped spine, displaced hip, or compound fracture of the tibia.

And if you think jumping off a roof alone is colossially stupid, watch this next clip. (And I warn you not to if you're squimish about pain *nothing graphic*)



Where the HELL are their parents??

Work It! I Need A Glass of Watah!

Things that would make my okay HR job exceedingly more exciting:

- Beer on tap right next to my computer
- A "personal shredder" which is actually a hot secretary that stands next to my desk with scissors
- A giant iron door to my office with that eyeball door greeter thing from Jedi Strikes Back
- A hot dog roller like those from 7-11 next to my printer
- An office with a window so I could throw bouncy balls out of it when I was bored (I work at the top of a pretty tall building)
- With the press of a button, I could shut off the florescent lighting and have red lights come on, I would call this "red alert"

I'm Going To Wii All Over You

So if I were to tally up all the time I spent playing video games growing up, I'm sure I would be angry in the fact that I could have used all that time to learn something more useful, like ice sculpting with a chainsaw.

But as I take a less active role in today's gaming, I'm beginning to notice a pretty horrible trend that I can't allow to continue forward without at least saying something.

MSN.com Games - Essentially there are several distinct genres of games on MSN that are limited to a few, a very small few. Casino games, the switch-and-match games (i.e. Gems, Chainz, etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.), and pointless "Space Invader" knockoffs. These games have recently become just a platform for advertising, so they now entice us with "badges", which are essentially little icons (probably stolen from X-Box 360) to further advertising needs. But whatever, I'm addicted to online Texas Hold-Em, so I'll deal with their shameless Alltell Wireless plugs.

Nintendo - Although originally invented on the ATARI (go ahead and bet me on this, I'll show you the game), Mario and his Bro have continued to infest Nintendo for decades now. Originally novel during the Mario 1, 2, and 3...the greatness began to knock off after Dr. Mario and the seemingly unended variations on the old Mario games or Tetris. Tetris at least had the fortitude to die off quickly. And for the record with the new Wii, I play video games because I want to escape reality and be a slug on the couch. Controllers and games that require me to work up a sweat are the very antithesis of what gaming should be. If I want to "actually hit a tennis ball", I'll go out an play tennis. KILL MARIO!

Nintendo 64 - *cough*failure*cough* huh?

Sega Dreamcast - Who?

Sega Saturn - What?

XBox 360 - Although I was originally I was anti-Xbox due to my premature loyality to Playstation, the Xbox360 has actually turned my favor towards it. Non-stop games & downloadables are the best option about it. My only beef with this gaming system is the fact that nerdy little show-offs that don't know where "outside" is or why they would want to "play" there get to talk over headsets to other gamers. And it's never an intelligent saying either, it's either some "gay" remark, or someone trying to make futile alliances prior to a game of Halo 3 kicking off.

Playstation 3 - $600 for a game system? FUUUUUUCK YOU!

Personal Computers - Ideal for 1st person shooters due to the ease of control between the mouse and keyboard, my only beef is actually with game manufactures themselves. They have distinct problems or failures with games (or software in general) they produce:

1) They create an awesome game that requires a video card that hasn't been invented yet.

2) They create an awesome game for a certain operating system, operating system gets replace years later, and they don't re-release the game for the new operating system. I have lost COUNTLESS of good games to O/S upgrades. Why the hell wouldn't an old program work on a new system? Good one Bill!

3) Membership fees for online shooter games. Never. On XBox yes because it's for MANY games...I will not pay $29.95 a month for one game that I will get bored of in 2 months and toss.

4) Not enough pirate games! 'Nuff said.

PSP - What a horrible investment.

Everything Your Money Doesn't Want You To Buy

Diamond studded jeans = $4000

"Diamond-Tini" = $15,000

Fancy-as-hell-yet-impossible-to-read-custom-watch = $90,000

Rhodium Coated Pen w/ 5000+ diamonds = $265,000

Cucumber Flavored Pepsi = More justifyable purchase then anything listed above

There Are 670 Types of Cheese In The World!

But the question related to this factoid is...why?

This Cyber Sucks

Some random items I hate on the Internet:



- That stupid animated dancing baby

- The Mentos & Diet Coke - Yes, we all got it...it gets really fizzy

- Spam - I'm tired of being told that I'll receive 2.5 million by a man in Zimbabwe if only I give him my entire bank porfolio

- Lowermybills.com - They're the ones responsible for the irritating animated ads...go to MSN.com if you really want to see more

- Spam Again - No, I really didn't win an Internet lottery, and no, I don't want a bigger wang

- The "Order Now" Button - The button with the specific instructions not to hit twice, but it usually freezes up after you only push it once

- YouTube Videos of Babys - Really! They're not funny!

- Web boards - Because people that post here have yet to realize the futility of debating on the Internet

- Web based video games - I hate the idea of me being beaten at a game by a 13 year old that refuses to go to school so that he can call me a "stupid noob" instead

Take That NOOB

To keep today short, I just want to send praise to every designer for first person shooters. From the old-school Castle Wolfenstein to today's Quake & Half Life, nothing says stress relief then shredding characters at point blank range with massive, unlogistically acceptable weapons.

Boooyah!

Never A Smooth Transition

Changing out from military to civilian life, there are many things to get used to when dealing with non-military. One of the biggest ones is the fact that civilians don't have the same concept of time when dealing with deadlines like military do. Where as any soldier would show up roughly 10 minutes before a meeting would start, civilians usually tool through the door anywhere from start time to 10 minutes after. Even if the meeting was how to live forever, people would still come walking, not hurrying mind you, walking through the door.
Then on my way to work this morning, I found myself battling with a pretty startling epiphany as I drove by the golf course at 7:30am:

"I bet those fuckers are early for tee time"

Justify My Existance

We can all agree with this at least one point or another unless you're:

-filthy rich

-filthy poor

-crazy enough to "love" work

***And let the record show, at one time...I actually had 6 different bosses.

Where Do They Come From?

Why is it whenever there is a survey, usually option "c", which is the "undecided/don't know" option always has at least .1% following? You could ask the following:

- Is the sky blue?

a) Yes
b) No
c) Undecided

And you would get some ass that would choose c, not because they want to skew the survey, possibly because they genuinely can't make up their freakin' minds.

CHOOSE DAMMIT!

If Only Cell Phones Did Give You Cancer

There are times that I see an opinion poll put up on tv or in a magazine where people are asked what daily gadgets they couldn't live without. The top two that piss me off are televisions and cell phones. Especially cell phones, seeing as how 10 years ago, they really didn't exist...back in the day when pagers still existed.

Well, in this day and age, cell phones are everwhere. Just to be clear, it is, at no time acceptable, to have and use a cell phone in the following locations:

1) Movie theaters - Hey jackass, how about I wait for you to buy an expensive dinner out on the town, then I come and hock a big one on it. No, it is the same thing.

2) Librarys - I honestly don't believe people can multitask between telling how they got drunk last night and Ernest Hemingway.

3) Gyms - This may be the Army in me talking, but if you're on a treadmill and you're on the phone, then get the FUCK off the treadmill. If you can talk while you're running, you are NOT running fast enough. Why not let someone that has a vested interest in their health use the machine for a while.

4) Resturants - See #1, only replace expensive dinner with opening night at the movie, and replace hocking a big one with answering a cell phone in your ear.

5) Public Restrooms - Are you really this important?

6) Police Cars - Be it that you're the actual cop, or in the backseat of one (or especially if you're the subject of a traffic stop), put the phone down. Your rage will sound better once the police report has been filed.

7) Hospitals - Call this a hunch, but people go to hospitals to heal. And they certainly can't do that with the constant flux of verbal crap being spewed into it's halls about what you're going to have for dinner.

8) Church - I've never actually seen this one happen. But if you answer your phone in church, you might as well go piss in the little vat of holy water and take a dump in the alms box.'

9) ANY Military Speech - Although most of you have never been in the Military, there is no way to describe the unimaginable discomfort a brand new 2nd Lieutenant gets when his cell phone goes off during a 2 Star General's speech. It's made even worse when the General stops speaking....

10) The Grocery Store - Just pick between iceburg and romaine already! Good gravy are you going to call her on where to buy your balls back? (I say this because I've only seen men doing the "uh honey...I'm standing in front of the (whatever) isle...what should I get? Duh"

"Those Who Live By The Sword...."

This is one of those days that I almost wish I could be back in the mix of shit with other Soldiers. Regardless of how corrupt the Army has gotten through the buddy-buddy system and the never ending desire to make each other look better, there are times I miss working for something more then a paycheck. Certainly helping people in an HR capacity is okay, but whoopin' ass in the name of the United States is 10x more satisfying.

Define Irony

I am a human resources manager as you might well know by now, a male in a primarily female dominated employment field. Both the job title and gender specification make it funny as:

1) I drink...alot.

2) I love internet porn.

3) I really don't like people (to be more pronounced in later posts).

4) I don't know jack about insurance (thanks to the Army).

5) I'm still in the military "give it to me now or I rip you a new one" mode.

The Typical Daily Flush

In an average day at work, I drink about 3 cups of coffee, two sodas, and two cups of tea. As my daily lunch consists of a lunch of Chef Boyardee straight from the can, I don't eat enough to really soak up all the liquids. So the following is the average thought pattern as I go to the bathroom several million times a day:

Internal Dialogue On the Way to the bathroom:

"Whoops! Conference call in two minutes, gotta boogie"

"I need new shoes (notices squeaking noise), why the hell didn't I wear boots today?"

"Oh geez, the receptionist is already here...I'm not hitting on you!" (The receptionist desk is approximately 20 feet from the bathrooms - so everytime I go to the bathroom, the receptionist knows. It's not bad enough she knows my bm schedule, it's made worse by the fact that she is, indeed, a hottie)

Internal Dialogue Inside The Bathroom

"Feet check (looks under stalls), whoo hoo! I can whiz and sing at the same time!"

"I know there is already a place for two rolls of toilet paper affixed to the stall....why the hell does the janitor give us a third auxillery roll? Does he think we crap all that much?"

"I wonder if anyone would notice if a whizzed in the floor drain in the center of the bathroom? I wonder how it would go if I were caught whizzing in the floor drain? I gotta try that sometime."

"Is a toilet called that because someone back in the day considered taking a dump toiling?"

"Is it a urinal cake or urinal biscuit? Either way, why the hell is it food?"

"Seriously! Why the hell is there a third roll of toilet paper?"

"Uh oh! Someone else is in the bathroom! I better remain completely motionless and not make a peep!" (I always use a stall regardless of what I'm doing, I prefer not to put on a show. I did enough of that taking drug tests in the Army)

Internal Dialogue Leaving The Bathroom En Route Back To The Office

(Thinking Towards Receptionist) "I swear I'm not hitting on you! And I didn't take a dump in there!"

"I wonder if I should slow down on the liquids....is this healthy?"

"I could really go for a sandwich about now."