Azurael Of Free Labour

The first of three interns started today at work. The idea of internships have always been a pretty sweet deal on both sides of the coin. On the intern side, you're picking up actual work experience and getting college credits for it at the same time. If you're really lucky, you might also get paid for it (however, not here). On the employer side, benefits come in the form of free (read: slave) labor. Bolstering workforce effectiveness with inexpensive, or in this case...free, labor always looks good. Plus additionally chalking it up to community relations is an added plus as well. That being said, it was a female coworker who remarked that our three female coworkers be required to wear gimp masks while at work. Wow. She said it, not me.

Women Do It Better....Uh, Mostly....

At the risk of sounding misogonistic, there are somethings women just cannot claim to be good at. Yes, I can hear alot of internet browsers going to another webpage, but I still hold this to be true. Per usual, I will present evidence in a bullet list:

• Frontline Combat - Seriously, pit me upagainst 95% of our female soldiers..guarenteed win.
• Boy Scout Leaders - Uhh....what's the first word? OH YEAH.
• Race Car Drivers - Danica Patrick, 'nuff said.
• Republicans - Something about attempting to shut down your own human rights just seems odd to me.
• (Most) Bosses - I've only ever had one female boss that was good, and while she was good, she was probably a bit too polite to tell me when I was screwing up.
• Gamers - I'm sorry ladies, unless you grew up an awkward 14 year old boy that had no friends and no one liked you, you just can't game like we do. In fact, I've never actually met a woman that knew more about games than I do.
• Perverted - I've heard plenty of women gush about how much they love sex, but you know what....there is no woman on this Earth that can hold a candle to a guy in terms of being more perverted. Now whether that ends up being bad? Whole different story.

Now with all this being said, there are many many many things that women typically do that often make guys look bad in the process:

• Superheros - Let's face it, short of a select few, most heroines and female villians are just really good at what they do (and look awesome in pretty much any costume - reference pic).
• Military Police - Every female soldier I had working under me were typically smarter, quicker, and waaaay more aggressive then most of my male soldiers.
• Seeming Perverted - Although women can't truely be more perverted, they can give a jaw dropping scene of seeming to be perverse. Most men would agree with me, any time a girl says something dirty, our brains stop functioning.
• Social Workers/Psychology - I will hand this over. Women seem to have a much stronger grasp on empathy then men do. I've dealt with a social worker before and she was just amazing!
• Nurses - Because guys shouldn't be nurses. I mean...come on. Really?

I'm sure there are quite a few I'm leaving out, and no, I'm not saying that men are superior to women. We definately suck at ALOT of aspects of life...but hey, I'm just sayin.

The Pants Serve No Purpose

After a solid weekend of drinking, I've decided to take a few days off to let my body recover. I'm also reminded that Mondays are especially unholy when hungover on wine...and the two bottles probably wasn't the best idea. Of course I also found out that people tend to be louder and more talkative when I'm hungover, which may or may not be a correlation.

It seems that I get to always do at least one thing unsavory when I'm hungover. Yesterday at the peak of my dizziness, nausea, and shakes, I had the fun job of firing a crappy employee. Now don't get me wrong, this guy was a slug and received more than this fair share of write-ups. It's rather the fact that when you know an employee is going to flip out when they get fired makes it a bit harder to plan for the obvious. The funny thing was, he tried to argue with me. At somepoint am I supposed to say "oh, well shoot....take back that whole 'firing' thing!" The phone call (yeah, I fired him over the phone...I'm not having him freakout at the workplace) with the typical "you'll hear from my lawyer...blah blah blah." Again, although a pisser as it were with a hangover (idle threats are not my favorite thing in the world), I'm not cooncerned at all. First and foremost, I've made lawers and people with doctorates look dumb, so I welcome the challenge. Second, I think any of my coworkers who took the stand would say "yep. He's a slug".

So in my fleeting moment of temporary sobriety, while I can feel my organs beginning to congeal from a soupy sledge, I might take this time to hit the gym fast and furious to do as much damage as I can. Also, I've begun taking Chantix again....so here comes the ever awe inspiring nausea again. W00T!

That's About Enough

Any consistant reader of this blog probably knows by now that I'm not a fan of the "breeders" of society. People that make it their mission in life to crap out as many children as human possibly, and beating their chests about how proud they are for...well...I guess doing what mankind has been doing since the dawn of time. No, congratulations are not in order, becoming pregnant is not an accomplishment. Finishing a marathon is an accomplishment. Getting a 4.0 on your report card is an accomplishment. Getting pregnant is not an accomplishment. Seriously. If it can be done by accident, something tells me it's not entirely praiseworthy. "Whoops! I got a perfect score on my biology test!"

Beyond my loathing of children, is my loathing of parents who think of themselves king/queen sh*t because they successfully had sex. Let me put the answers in very succinct terms:

• No, I don't care about how old your kid is.
• No, your kid is not cute.
• No, pregnancy is not beautiful at all. And for men who say they've never been more turned on by their wives until they were pregnant are probably men who weren't getting any sex from their wives until her hormones clicked on 6 weeks in to being pregnant.
• No, I don't intend to have kids of my own.
• No, I don't care if "it's different when they're my own".
• No, your kid doesn't have ADHD, he's just stupid.

Of course who am I to nay say this whole time. Lemme turn this ship around:

• Yes, I unfriended you on Facebook because you changed your profile picture to a close up face shot of your ugly offspring.
• Yes, I firmly believe that parents who don't have their children vaccinated are completely retarded.
• Yes, people should be required to get a license to breed. Kind of a bigger thing then driving a car right?
• Yes, I think breastfeeding is an abomination. And if you even get started on the whole "natural" arguement, I will take a sh*t right here on the ground in front of you. I mean it's natural right?
• Yes, you will pee, puke, poop, and fart in a room of complete strangers during childbirth (read: yeah, not a beautiful thing).
• Yes, were I ever stupid enough to knock someone up, my a$$ would be in the waiting room during delivery.

I've said it all too often, but the more I complain about it, the more I'm seeing a trend. This country is getting a bit too soft. Why? Probably because there is increasingly heavy focus placed on having kids, having a family, blah blah blah. So much to the point where now policies and legislation is becoming almost parent driven. Even the military provides for more benefits for the married and parents.

Not that I'm bitter, but yeah, you're kids look stupid.

Now You're Just Making Me Jealous....

fig. 1-1 The hottest picture ever.

Getting ready to spend the next two days doing alot of travelling for work. And while it's not flying, I still can't really be stoked about not being in my office, just thinking about how my inboxes will be overflowing with "job security" upon my return.

But at least one good thing? At least I'm not going to Iraq. I found in the two times I flew over and two times I flew back, that patience is something I apparently have limitless amounts of. Hours and hours on a single flight, waiting in Kuwait for what I can't even remember, and sitting on a tarmac for hours just waiting for a plane to arrive.

Iraq aside though, I really wish I could just have a job where I do work like George Jetson. Just go to my office everyday, not supervise anyone, make moderately good pay, and press a button every now and again. Provided I wouldn't want the a-hole boss that he did (Mr. Spacely?), but I would just want a job where I can do my work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. End of story. Suffice to say, no bloggity-blog for the next two days at least, as I will be enduring an unholy gauntlet of meetings and meet-and-greets. BLECH.

And as for the picture at the top, seriously, how the hell hot is that?? I'd like to know what lottery I need to win to be the bologna in an Amy Lee and Emilie Autumn sandwich???

Could Have Had A V-8

The last two days at work have been especially brutal. Not only for the fact of going through annual appraisals (both receiving my own, and passing out the ones to the staff), but also just a general level of unchecked f**kery at work. Several of the staff have been bonin' up left and right, which ultimately means it's up to me to write them up.

There are reasons I miss my old job working at a steak house during college (Bonanza). One of the biggest reasons is that I just had to show up, hermit it up in the kitchen for 8-12 hours, then go home. Didn't supervise anyone, didn't deal with customers...it was awesome. Unfortunately, I don't think I could live off the slave wages I was making then ($4.25 an hour...no seriously, that was minimum wage).

My education and experience have the unfortunate issue of screaming leadership despite the fact that sometimes I seriously don't enjoy it. Doing the HR thing was a bit better because HR personnel are considered "non-supervisory management". Which means you stilll get to corral behavior and pontificate policy, but you don't actually directly supervise anyone. But the downside of HR is that insurance just gets to be lame, and you get to deal with about 99.9% of your organizations drama.

In all honesty my dream job? Edit porn. It's a job I could do from home, enjoy some porn, get to be creative by putting in hopefully non-cheesy sound tracks, and most importantly, only supervise the finished product. That just got you thinkin' about porn too huh? Mission accomplished.

Pr0n is teh b3st.

I Need Some F**king Friends

Went out to a retirement dinner last night (gay) then to trivia night (awesome) with a bunch of coworkers from my last job when I was in HR.

That night pointed out some very marked differences between where I am currently in life, and why men my age tend to suck as friends. Dinner last night, everyone (except one) was older than me, all of them are married, and all they can talk about is kids, sports, and...well that's it.

I find this lame (and yes, if I haven't posted it somewhere, I f**king hate sports) because I might be 31, but that doesn't mean I'm going to mothball my Xbox and start beating off to investment prospectus. Does getting married and/or having kids really just make you immediately suck at life? Given, as with all of my observations, I do swing a pretty broad brush stroke, but seriously. I recently ditched a friend of mine (20 years about) because he couldn't make time to hang out with me at all on account of being married and/or having a kid (even though it didn't help that his wife had his balls firmly stored in a jar under the sink).

This was also true that apparently if you enter the Army as an Officer, you're pretty much required to be a complete douche and major in the art of talking about flipping houses and playing golf. One of the severe downsides after five years in was the fact that I felt like I was in a uniform organization that was secretly a frat house.

Trivia night last night, surround by people my age or younger, hootin' and hollering for more beer. Not talking about children, not talking about real estate market fluctuations, not talking about sports, nothing. It was limitless banter about a sort of random stuff and it was awesome.

Then after the hootin' and hollering was done, I went home and ate my sad Taco Bell alone on my couch in a drunken stupor. It seems as though I always work at places where I'm typically the young guy that isn't a$$ deep in marriage and surrounded by babies....which is good because I'd hate to have to kick my own a$$.

Azurael's (Newest) Top 5

It's been a while, and with the changing times comes the changes in the Top 5 list! Unfortunately, I'm going to have to throw it out there that I have a bias for women who are typically in a band (guess that makes me a bit chicky myself), but I've tacked on a couple actresses. So without further ado:

#5. Simone Simons

- The lead singer of the band Epica, this Dutch hottie is not only strikingly hot, but also has a set of pipes that can blow the doors off your car. Although the "epic" sound that the Nordic bands put out may not rub everyone the right way, she is the whole package.

#4. Kate Beckinsale

- English, hot, and was in several movies brandishing a latex catsuit and a large assortment of guns. Kate Beckinsale is a slammin' hottie not only for the physical reasons, but also because she is extremely varied in the roles she can play in the numerous movies she's been in.

#3. Milla Jovovich

- Russian supermodel that can act, and has been in more than enough films where she tends to be outfitted in clothes showin' off her wicked nice body (i.e. Ultraviolet, Resident Evil, The Fifth Element). Although her movies might not always be winners, noooo doubt that she isn't a prize!

#2. Amy Lee

- Although I like to consider my goth days over and done with, Amy has always been in the top 5 due to her smoldering looks and her very unique singing voice. I liked her more after I saw some behind the scene footage where she is pretty much seen to be a down to Earth person that doesn't let notoriety go to her head.

#1. Cristina Scabbia

Italian lead singer of the band Lacuna Coil, Cristina is absolutely #1 on this list. Loyally devoted to her fans, and having a voice that has a strong level of flexibility, these elements only compound how strikingly hot she is.

"It's Alittle Early To Be Gettin' Boozy Ain't It?"

I was comparing notes with a coworker earlier today about our drinking habits. We had both remarked how awesome it would be to have a "liquid lunch" (read: martinis) then come back to work and finish out the day with a good day drunk. Unfortunately, the environment we work in hardly lends itself to such an act.

I then think about at what point I truly began to really appreciate booze. At first, when I got my first bottle of sh*tty Smirnoff vodka from my coworkers for a 16th birthday present, it was exciting to hid it, and simply nip off it now and again. Fast forward to today, and it's immediately beer o'clock if I've had a day that isn't so good.

I think my drinking really hit it's peak after I left the Army and went to work as a store manager in training at f*cking Kmart (F*CK YOU KMART). Not only was I doing an unholy, easily hatable job....I was also, well, a manager at f*cking Kmart. (FYI. I typically Kmart as a bad word, and generally tend to preceed Kmart with any deliniation of the word f*ck). I think I was rollin' with about a fifth of UV Vodka every night after work, and let me tell you....the only thing worse than working retail during Christmas is working retail during Christmas while hungover. F*cking Kmart really increased my profound hatred for mankind.

One of the things I've discovered about my ability to drink is that I go from zero to blackout pretty quick. Gone are the days where I can be rip roaringly drink and remember it. So now, I'm mostly partial to light beers and ales (although Harp gives me a pretty unholy hangover). Don't get me wrong, I slurp on some Bushmills at any time possible, but that on the same note, is also the reason I don't keep hard alcohol in the house.

I understand that many people in the counseling and psychotherapy field view getting buzzed/drunk on a daily basis as "self-medicating" and generally frown upon the whole process. But going to be honest, when you've had half the sh*t jobs I've had, pretty much the only way to get through the day is dreaming of your first visceral beer belch (and hopefully some tasty wings to accompany said belch).

"Seriously, I Have Shackles In The Back...."

Although I don't go to the gym as often as I used to when I was in the military, I can say this about civilian gyms, it is waaaay more enjoyable from the eye candy point of view over military gyms. For those who don't know, the military has regulations for pretty much everything, including gym usage. If you're in the military and going to the gym, there are policies regarding what you can wear (PT uniform), can't wear headphones, etc.etc.etc. So as you can imagine, aside from a military gym being a complete sausage fest, it's pretty drab all around.

Civilians got it waaay better. And especially when I'm talking about women (because obviously I'm not looking at dudes, unless they're either A) screaming while lifting 1 ton or B) singing loudly to themselves while running on the treadmill), I'm talking about what they're wearing and what they're doing. So here's a few tips to the ladies out there about what's okay, and what's far from okay:

Tight Workout Clothes - While I'm still not entirely sure what the benefit of body hugging workout garments are, they're awesome...for the most part. Occasionally gym-goers tend to abuse this priviledge (and I'm talking about you fatty), but for the most part, it's a win-win for all parties involved. As far as I'm concerned, the tighter the better. Because you look good, and it makes me work out harder because I'm so angry you look good. Verdict: Ok.

Ponytails - Always a historical favorite among men, ponytails, especially when women are working out, are just awesome. Especially when they can get their hair to do that weird thing where the hair actually juts out from the head before falling down. Looks good on the street, looks great in the gym. Verdict: Really Ok.

Hairbands - Although probably unncessary given the proper ponytail, hairbands are also neat looking in that they convey a certain "I mean business" look to any woman stepping into the gym. Not tacky like an actual sweatband (which let's face it, the only people that wear that are guys who are out of shape and only play racketball), but still serves the function of allowing the wearer the optimal control of hair and potential sweat. Verdict: Ok.

Gray Sweatsuits - Nothing screams "I am so ashamed of my body" like a matched top and bottom in the baggiest material known to man. Anytime I see people wearing garbage like this, I have flashbacks to my awkward Junior High track days. Then I have images of said sweatsuit being stained with gravy, and not having been washed in weeks. Again, some people might need to wear this, but overall just unacceptable. If my pale a$$ legs can sport a pair of shorts, you can do better then this outfit made of blankets. Verdict: Not Okay



Bumpits - Okay. For the record, this fashion is absurd. While I understand that trends always come back 20 to 30 years after it was popular, the beehive and the giant hair, much like bellbottoms and day glow, should remain dead. And this crap has NO place at the gym. Seeing a woman with a bumpit working out tells me not only does she not care about putting any effort in, but she's also one of those "daddy didn't love me" girls who constantly need attention. Verdict: Super Not Okay



I could prattle on more about the gym, unfortunately, blogger doesn't lend itself well to adding additional pictures, so that's the end of that. Back to the grind as it were.

What Keeps Me Up At Nights...And Mornings... And Days

fig 1.1 - "Wow..it is actually cocaine in a can baby....."

Coffee is my main weapon of choice in fighting either early morning drowsiness or even the harsh effects of a hangover. Of course, hot bean water is only good until a certain point of the day, which is when I generally switch over to energy drinks.

Long time readers would know that I'm not stranger to my pure love of energy drinks (or intense hatred of FRS) and how I'm basically animated on caffine and hatred of the world.

I recently heard about this news story about teenagers stroking out to drinking energy drinks, which made me a bit paranoid at first. Why? I typically drink one a day. I know, probably a very moderate amount right? Well, not when you're talking about kids having strokes at 14 over drinking the stuff.

However, in reviewing alot of horror stories, it's typically a bunch of kids who get the crazy idea to drink six Red Bulls all at once. Nothing new under the sun, back in my college years, I remember hearing a news story about a guy who took a full bottle of No Doz and chugged a 2 liter of Mountain Dew. Same bad crap, just different details.

In fact sitting infront of me right now is the "Import Monster Energy" while I'm typing this up. Fortunately, it comes in a resealable can, which is good because I'm more of an energy-drink-nurser. Especially on days that I'm trying to come back from a hangover (like today).

Normally, like most things I love, would take this attack on energy drinks personally as this Parent-Driven Country continues to chip away at everything I like in an effort to childproof the nation (soon peanut butter will be illegal...just wait). However, looking at the potential benefits of energy drinks versus how many people it's killing, probably isn't worth it. I don't think I've ever heard of someone OD'ing on coffee, but energy drinks are entirely different monsters. And just like hot sauce becoming more and more hot, it's only a matter of time until manufacturers attempt to dump as much caffine into a can of soda as legally permitted.

And the fact that people now are actually eating caffine by the spoonful is just not shocking.