03 March, 2011

"Seriously, I Have Shackles In The Back...."

Although I don't go to the gym as often as I used to when I was in the military, I can say this about civilian gyms, it is waaaay more enjoyable from the eye candy point of view over military gyms. For those who don't know, the military has regulations for pretty much everything, including gym usage. If you're in the military and going to the gym, there are policies regarding what you can wear (PT uniform), can't wear headphones, etc.etc.etc. So as you can imagine, aside from a military gym being a complete sausage fest, it's pretty drab all around.

Civilians got it waaay better. And especially when I'm talking about women (because obviously I'm not looking at dudes, unless they're either A) screaming while lifting 1 ton or B) singing loudly to themselves while running on the treadmill), I'm talking about what they're wearing and what they're doing. So here's a few tips to the ladies out there about what's okay, and what's far from okay:

Tight Workout Clothes - While I'm still not entirely sure what the benefit of body hugging workout garments are, they're awesome...for the most part. Occasionally gym-goers tend to abuse this priviledge (and I'm talking about you fatty), but for the most part, it's a win-win for all parties involved. As far as I'm concerned, the tighter the better. Because you look good, and it makes me work out harder because I'm so angry you look good. Verdict: Ok.

Ponytails - Always a historical favorite among men, ponytails, especially when women are working out, are just awesome. Especially when they can get their hair to do that weird thing where the hair actually juts out from the head before falling down. Looks good on the street, looks great in the gym. Verdict: Really Ok.

Hairbands - Although probably unncessary given the proper ponytail, hairbands are also neat looking in that they convey a certain "I mean business" look to any woman stepping into the gym. Not tacky like an actual sweatband (which let's face it, the only people that wear that are guys who are out of shape and only play racketball), but still serves the function of allowing the wearer the optimal control of hair and potential sweat. Verdict: Ok.

Gray Sweatsuits - Nothing screams "I am so ashamed of my body" like a matched top and bottom in the baggiest material known to man. Anytime I see people wearing garbage like this, I have flashbacks to my awkward Junior High track days. Then I have images of said sweatsuit being stained with gravy, and not having been washed in weeks. Again, some people might need to wear this, but overall just unacceptable. If my pale a$$ legs can sport a pair of shorts, you can do better then this outfit made of blankets. Verdict: Not Okay

Bumpits - Okay. For the record, this fashion is absurd. While I understand that trends always come back 20 to 30 years after it was popular, the beehive and the giant hair, much like bellbottoms and day glow, should remain dead. And this crap has NO place at the gym. Seeing a woman with a bumpit working out tells me not only does she not care about putting any effort in, but she's also one of those "daddy didn't love me" girls who constantly need attention. Verdict: Super Not Okay

I could prattle on more about the gym, unfortunately, blogger doesn't lend itself well to adding additional pictures, so that's the end of that. Back to the grind as it were.

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