Crappy Directors, On The Wheel!

(D-bag 1: Jason Friedberg & D-bag 2: Aaron Seltzer)

The first to be ordered to the wheel are these two total-hack-no-talent-a$$-clowns that have been the directors of the mega-fail films "Epic Movie", "Date Movie", "Meet The Spartans", and the soon to come "Disaster Movie"(I didn't hyper link these because I don't want their crap to receive any hits on IMDB, because they fail that bad).

These morons, that apparently received their training in film and arts from a quarter machine at their local grocery store, are notorious for creating such crap to deprive innocent movie goers of their precious lives, in 1.5 hour increments. They are literally killing people by placing them into an absolute stupor when these innocent people watch their films. Despite the fact that they tout their own comedy as being clever and witty and blah blah blah, they're seriously only funny in their own minds. They're literally about as funny as the guy that tells you a joke, then after you laugh, decides he wants to describe to you, in lengthy detail, the punchline.

I've have been dumb enough to see Date Movie and Meet The Spartans. Only twice in my life have I felt not only robbed of my admission money, but also a little bit dumber after seeing a movie, and these were both of those movies. I'm not sure where these idiots get the financial backing for what they believe to be comedy, or whether the scripts are actually reviewed, but someone is pissing a lot of money away on nothing. In watching these films, they make no attempt at subtle humor, or at humor at all for that matter. Even when I was in 7th grade, I wouldn't have found their comedy funny in the least. And I'll be honest, toilet humor slays me....that's what makes their cinematic diarrhea even worse.

I was horrified to see that Meet The Spartans hit over $18 million at the box office when it opened. But then I thought if people were able to get refunds for a movie seriously blowing, it probably would have been more about $4.25 for that one seriously mental retarded kid sitting in the back row with his chair facing the wall of the theatre chewing on his own face....he would have enjoyed the film.

As a testament to humanities future, I will be watching the box office for how this movie goes. If it sinks down the crapper (as it should, read the reviews for their other cinematic travesties on IMDB), then my faith in humanity will be restored. If it tacks over $10 million, I will become even more jaded with the human race, and after the crap these meatball directors put out, I'm not sure that's possible.

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer: Your "movies" (and by "movies", I mean "visual vomit with cameo appearances of Carmen Electra") are not funny. They will never will be funny. You are horrible, horrible directors, and should be banned from Hollywood, even Bollywood, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Put the damn camera down and get on The Wheel!

Welcome To The Wheel List

I'd like to introduce a new segment to the blog called "The Wheel List". Allow me to explain.

A very looooong time ago, I talked about an invention I thought up called the wheel.

Basically, this invention in a nut shell is a giant horizontal wheel thats attached to a giant turbine beneath every major city in the world. The wheel (looking like the one Conan was forced to push around to grind corn) will allow up to 100+ people a day to get on the thing and just push it around in a circle. This will in turn create a giant, unending supply of energy for the cities of the world.

Who will push said wheel you ask? Only the bums and worthless people of society. As I see it, there are people in this world that do nothing to help humanity grow richer and stronger. Hell, some even take us back a few clicks. They would most likely consist of people that have very low educations, no jobs, or simply no purpose for breathing other then to steal oxygen from other people (cough cough Paris Hilton).

The wheel pushers would be locked under ground and their case would be reviewed every two years. While assigned to the wheel, they would live off a constant dies of blueberry pancakes and milk, twice a day.

As wacky as it sounds, the wheel to me represents a wild insult. To know that you are so useless to humanity, you're essentially replacing what a river could do. You're sole purpose for being is to make the power so I can clean my teeth at night with a water pic, or fire up my laptop to watch porn. You have proven to be SO disposable that all you should really do in life is make renewable resources while living on a staple diet of dairy and carbs.

I argued as to what to name my new "hall of shame"...things like "PWND" and "Azurael's b*tch list" crossed my mind, but what says it better then the wheel? To simply sigh, shake my head, and yell "get on the wheel!!".

This, ladies and gents, is the Wheel List. And those who fail so bad at life that they are ordered onto the wheel, will forever be my b*tch....in spirit of course.

The Skys Outside Are Darker

Suddenly my desk feels so much safer, unfortunately (and oddly enough), not something I've ever truly wanted out of a job.

In my past experience, I've found jobs to be more rewarding if there is some level of risk associated with it. Not to say that I'm sure construction workers or smelter employees feel a greater sense of accomplishment at the end of each work day, I'm just saying that when the worst thing you're looking at in your workplace is a paper cut or an errant staple into soft tissue, it might have the potential to be a dull job.

I think to mitigate the fact that I work in a vanilla, cozy padded office environment, I'll have the employees line up every morning so I can run through a gauntlet of swinging baseball bats...that'll get my morning off to a start.

This Seriously Isn't Butter Is It?

This weekend was a consumer's delight as I did an unusual amount of shopping consolidated to one Saturday afternoon.

The highlight beyond foraging for bulk amounts of food in the unending isles of Costco was visiting a dollar store with the intent on loading up on items instead of going in there just for gift giving supplies. This is where it went wrong.

Beyond supplies that you know will work (i.e. party supplies, cleaning supplies, tape, etc), I would seriously advise against dollar stores as this is where the saying "you get what you pay for" was invented from.

There are only two items that are seriously a dollar value when it comes to utility. I submit the following:

- Do not buy paper towels. I've never seen a roll of really wide, single-ply toilet paper being mislabeled as paper towels until the dollar store. Even the perforations don't even work, which means when you go to tear off a sheet, you end up tearing a strip off that goes all the way around the roll. It would be easier just to fashion this thing as a giant, one use sponge.

- Never buy shaving razors at the dollar store. I don't even want to go into my thinking behind this one. True, I have what I believe to be a very high pain tolerance, but when it comes to ripping out every whisker hair out of my face, I'm not down. Yes, I know...buying razors at the dollar store. I've never actually thrown away a razor and 4 razor heads before even using them, but there's a first time for everything. And this one cost me a buck.

Almost Too Late For A Reprieve

After an almost surreal week of covering for the absence of a coworker that was recently laid off, it's good to know the weekend is finally here.

The bandaid for a weird and painful week you ask? Sushi, booze, gym, Xbox, and more booze.

Suuuhweet.

Food Still Cometh

I've almost officially run out of food so it's getting back to heading to the store to diversify my diet once again beyond ramen and frozen burritos.

Back in the Army days when I had to do my grocery shopping at the Super Wal Mart in Missouri, I always had the same list of crap I would buy everytime. It was configured perfectly that barring any huge rushes, I could get in and out in 20 minutes, and it would require one basket that was semi heaping. The usual fare was:

2 "Souper Packs" of Ramen
1 Sleeve of Frozen burritos
1 bag of Fritos
2 cans of green beans
2 packs of hot dogs
2 boxes of pop tarts
1 box of pop corn
1 box of cake mix
1 tub of cake frosting
1 12 pack of soda

I don't know how looking back on that, but that usually could feed me for about 1.5 weeks. Yikes.

Everclear And Absinthe For All

Disturbingly enough, I saw this story on the tv this morning at the gym, and once again, I completely lose all faith in humanity. There apparently a growing push to reduce the legal drinking age to 18 all in an effort to reduce binge drinking.

Good holy sweet Mad Dog....are you serious? Let's point out the obvious first, people over the age of 21 can't control binge drinking, inside or outside an educational environment. How in the french toast do you think that increasing the availability of alcohol to people under the age of 21 is going to control drinking?

Apparently a large crux of their argument is that by reducing the age, it reduces a so called "allure" to do it because it's bad. I started drinking when I was 16, and trust me, I wasn't doing it because I wanted to be rebellious. Hell, when I was feeling rebellious, I was stealing toilet paper from the courthouse or watching my friend take a crap down our neighbors chimney. Same argument with illicit drug use. People don't abuse substances because they wanna rebel, they do it because it gives you some form of euphoria you dummies. It's not all about fighting the power when it comes to making dumb choices.

Then I read this gem, and seriously wondered if drug use is more rampant in the US then previously thought.

They propose "drinking licenses" that would allow those 18-21 to drink because they've only been issued after alcohol education. Hmmmm...I'm going to have to disagree with John McCardell in saying that no, education will not work in this case. Look, it's so basic, I seriously wonder if big John ever was 18 years old. At that age, humans are unfit for many tasks involving personal responsibility. Despite the fact that you're of legal age to do many things, this is usually about the time you start getting into more serious trouble because you have more freedom. You dump liquor on top of that, and it's just going to get exponentially worse. Education will not work, because D.A.R.E doesn't work, because sex education generally doesn't work, and because anti-smoking education doesn't work. This will be another giant black hole for tax dollars to get swallowed up in just so colleges can feel like they're reducing their overall liability status for those under the age of 21 who decide it's a great idea to pound a fifth of Old Crow.

Yeah, I get the whole "well, if they're old enough to serve in the military, they should be old enough to drink". I disagree with this for two reasons however...those reasons would be:

1) As an MP, I can't count all of my fingers and toes how many soldiers between the ages of 18 and 21 I had to peel off of the floor of a parked taxi because they were too trashed to get out under their own power. Yeah, they're in the military, but that doesn't mean that they become responsible over night.

2) I would submit that if anything, only those in the military under the age of 21 should be allowed to drink. Reason being, they're learning how to be responsible a lot faster then a civilian of the same age....annnd, if you're going to go to war any time soon, you probably deserve to be tanked out of your gourd at least once.

We're facing the problem of prohibition all over again. What it boils down to is "holding the line" on certain policies. Everyone is content with 21 being the legal drinking age. Those who are able to get it before, that's good. Yes I understand that other countries have lower age limits, but those other countries don't have the good ol' fashioned American "culture of excess" like we do.

The bottom line is that guys and girls alike are uncontrollably dumb and impulsive (for the most part) at 18. By enabling them to either drink, or buy (possibly for those under the age of 18) is absolutely abhorrent. I would predict that DUI's & alcohol related deaths would sky rocket, because that generation is not prepared to handle that kind of responsibility, especially when they're at the most "I'm invincible" phase of their life.

And if you don't believe any of this, then I would only have to fall back on one other argument. The bartenders....they don't want to be concerned with kids under the age of 18 coming in with a fake ID, and they sure as hell don't want to have to worry about babysitting some High Schooler that can't hold their liquor.

Can't Outrun This One

Let's review what we've learned in the past 18 hours:

(4) Vodka & Cranberries + Bar Food + 4 hours of sleep + Weightlifting = UNHOLY Heartburn!

That is all!

Absurdity Repeating

So once again the idle hands are giving me that educational "itch" that I'll be needing to scratch. I swore after I received my duel Master's that I wouldn't take any more school. But apparently the need to be educated is something I can't fight, despite my best desires to do so.

Looking at school, the question is what now. I'm absolutely adamant against getting a doctorate. For some reason, I can justify entering into the program knowing that I'll be done after three years and essentially writing and rewriting a book twice over. A doctorate is pretty much only good in medicine and law in my world, everything else, it's just a title. And I've already had a title so I can check that box.

There are several classes I'd like to take that are just random stuff I'd like to learn (i.e ASL, EMT stuff, etc.), but at the same rate, I don't want to feel like I'm pissing a bunch of credits and money down the drain. Maybe get another bachelors in general education? Who knows....it's amazing that after hating school for so long, I still want to go back. Yuck!

Back From Whence I Came

So after a long week of actually working for once and learning new software and systems that the parent company has finally handed over administrative rights for, I'm left feeling pretty deflated and kind of weakened.

What does this mean for the weekend? Probably the standard staple of beer, porn, Xbox, more beer, more porn, and doing at least one really stupid thing. Most people like to get out in the sunshine and bbq and do all that happy crap. Not this blogger. I'm content to hide in my nerd cave surrounded by copioius amounts of electronic entertainment and booze of the lowest caliber.

Suffice to say, there are several good movies out this weekend...so I may venture out, then go for a drink or two outside the ol' man-sanctuary.

A Metal Tube One Mile Above The Earth

So I've neglected blogging about the actual flight of my Vegas trip...but I thought it was funny (not ha ha funny but more like that shouldn't have happened funny) that my middle brother informed me that on his way flying back to the East Coast that his plane was struck by lightning in mid air.

Now...barring the odds and the fact that modern airplanes are built for just such an incidence, I have no way to empathize with my brother. I don't like flying. Take that times about 100 and that's him. He detests flying. I can't fathom for a second that he was in a plane that actually got bolted with that much electricity.

The pisser (or grace) of it was they decided not to proceed on past their layover, so he got stuck in Chicago overnight. So not only did he get the longest flight of us three brothers, he also got struck by lightning, got to land in the "windy city" (although landing in the desert is equally as terrifying), and got to spend a night in a city with one of the highest gun related crimes in the US.

And to think I get grumpy when my bag doesn't hit the carousel in the first three minutes....sheesh.

Hoppy Power

I haven't touched booze all week and for some reason, my performance at the gym hasn't been up to snuff.

Could it be I actually perform better (am stronger if you will) with beer in my system?

(*Authors Note: Mad props to this guy, I severely doubt he drinks that much Natty Ice)

This Insurance Is Never Friendly

I feel this picture truely embodies the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act, especially if all HR Officers are the dog.

The two hour training session today only magnified this feeling.

No Cavalry For Me

After returning from another unintentional-but-poisonous weekend of drinking, I'm finally getting to see my inbox build up after long last.

Apparently my ability to shovel through copious amounts of mind numbing paperwork (thank you Army) has raised some positive flags and my levels of responsibility are increasing. The areas that are growing for me are COBRA administration (again), HRIS administration (first time), and employee hiring/firing (again). The reason I say again is that before my Company was bought around the beginning of the year, I was already doing this. Save for learning an HRIS (Human Resource Information System), I'm pretty much just being told I'm an adult and can sit with the other big kids at the Thanksgiving table.

The odd thing though, is that having a familiarity with an HRIS, for some reason in the world of HR, is huge. People will actually deny you a job soley based on the fact that you have used some overglorified Microsoft Access program. I didn't learn anything about there being "elites" in the HR world back in the post-graduate courses. Weird.

And I Know You How?

Hugging.

Hugging has always been an uncomfortable social gesture from me and I still have a hard time discerning when it became so.

I've never been the kind to initiate a hug (except for my harassing hug-and-squeezes on Oregon-B every time he visits) because I'm really unclear as to what is to be gained from this. Now, before I go forward and dig a potential whole with those dear to me, I'm speaking about hugging people that are neither family nor people I'm dating.

I recall the most awkward hug I've ever gotten. I was a 2nd Lieutenant in the Army and had been invited over with other Lieutenants from our company to our Commander's house for dinner. Our Commander was a Captain, as was his wife...who also happened to be a Commander (and a smokin' hottie for that matter). I'd never met my Commander's wife, and found her to be pretty cool...but still...well, a Captain. So after a night of "pass the salt sir", and "the gravy's really good ma'am"..me and the other Lieutenants shuffled to the door bidding our Commander and his wife good evening. Our Commander approached us first and gave us a big hearty, MP handshake and affirmed we were doing great things in our unit...then his wife came up to bid us farewell....

*Now at this point, I don't know whether it was the fact that she had wine in her from dinner, or that she maybe had panicked about having so many low grade Officers over to her house or what, but she took the etiquette rule book and flung that bastard out the window.*

Despite the fact that I had stuck out my hand and extended the greeting "have a great night ma'am, we really appreciate having dinner with you two"...she completely ignored it and gave each of us a hug. And not only was it the fact that this is the first time we had met her in our lives...ANNND the fact that she's a Captain in the Army and we're way below her on the food chain....her hug was one of those where it lasts just a bit too long. Even after I gave the "okay, that was good" multi-pat on her back, she held on just alittle too long. I avoided eye contact with my Commander but I was positive that night he was going to kill us the next day at work.

So I guess in the end, I'm blaming my hatred of hugs on wine....and over affection Company Grade Officers.

Looking Back To Remember What I Forgot

Does anybody else miss this guy?

What Happens In Vegas Isn't Worth Hiding

Just got back from Vegas and holy crap was I ever deceived my viral marketing and word of mouth.

For those that have never been to Vegas, just think what would happen if Disney Land threw a huge frat party, and there you go...there's Vegas.

My first shock was the amount of families with babies there. And I mean not just in the hotel...wandering the strip, walking through casinos. Even at 2 in the morning, you'd still see strollers and toddlers bounding down the strip next to giant posters for escort services. Seriously?

Middle brother basically equated Vegas as being a "risque Disneyland". It was so family friendly and luke warm, that I literally walked past a group of Orthodox Muslims.

In classical bullet format, here is the list of Vegas Fails:

- Expensive Booze: Couldn't get drunk, booze costs WAY too much...and I couldn't drink the sugary "alco-slush" that almost every non-club bar was selling in goofy, oversized yard cups. And $14 for a weak-a$$ long island? Come on!

- Weak Booze: For the drinks I did by, I couldn't even maintain a buzz before I was back to sobriety. The only way I conquered this was buying a bottle of burbon at the gift shop and taking rips off that until I did get there.

- No Nudity Allowed: Believe it or not, I'm not into strippers. However, when I'm with my brethren, it's fun to go to a place that oozes testosterone and just kick back and drink. Couldn't find a strip club. Because apparently on the strip in "Sin City", a strip club must not be "sinful" enough to be on the Vegas strip...but a Gameworks is. Right.

- Sea of Children: At one point walking down the strip (at midnight I might add), I had three women in a row infront of me, all of who were pushing strollers. When I'm walking through a casino in what is supposed to be the most unholy of all cities, the last thing I should be hearing is babies screaming their heads off. That's the reason I went to Vegas in the first place, to get away from kids.

- Grotesquely Obese: I don't really know what caused this occurance, but there was legions of fatties roaming up and down the strip. Whereas I can understand that in any given populace, there is always a certian percentage of morbidly obese, their numbers in Vegas seemed disturbingly high.

- Environment: Beyond the fact that the ambient air temperature was pretty much around 105 degrees the whole time, the majority of Vegas was either I-can't-afford-designer-name shops, or stuff for kids. I don't know exactly how to describe what I was expecting, but I was figuring there'd be some type of store where strippers wearing beef jerky bikini's fed you pork chops while they bathed in gravy. Anything that doesn't appeal to the upper class or children would have been fine by me.

- Another Sea of Children: Seriously, you have no idea how many little snot nosed bastards were there. Who seriously takes their kids to Vegas? I mean really?

To close on a positive note, it was good to see my brothers again and it was also cool to see on the weekend how when the clocks struck 7 pm, all the women in Vegas magically turned into strippers and hookers. I'd never actually seen a woman in 6" heels with the intent to go places until now, nor have I ever seen a woman in lingerie dealing cards. Suffice to say, the good was good, but ultimately, the good was beaten down by the bad.

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