Who The Hell Are You?

(Not the Actual Other Bartender)

So went to go see Bogey last night, and it turns out that he wasn't workin'. I was horribly disturbed by this not only because he's always there, but because it'd been a while and I was crusing for my usual Bogey-made long island, which is essentially all booze.

This was all the more compounded in the fact that Bogey's replacement was a pretty sultry looking girl that was very hospitable (despite her weak version of long islands).

Dammit!

I Shall Take A Large Mug Of Meade My Good Sir

Let me tell you about someone that makes every morning more bearable as the days go on. I'm here to tell you about a news anchor by the name of Robin Meade. This woman is awesome in many, many ways..despite the fact that all she does is report the news.
The top saving grace, is that she doesn't have the oddly timed actions, one-liners, or grimaces that some of the greater anchors (i.e. Rather, Jennings) have had. I imagine that if I had pushed a table right up against the bottom of the tv, I'd be eating breakfast with her in the morning.
Which brings me to my next point. Before I starting going to the gym in the morning (especially ones with tv's in them), I wasn't familiar with her at CNN. Now when I'm watching her, I for some reason run faster. I could be, oh I don't know, her wicked hotness??
Another is, every time this show comes back from commerical break, she always has something geniunely sassy to say. Usually it's a comment such as "welcome back. What are you doing up so early?" As to which I subconsciously reply "to improve muscular strength and endurance, and to dream of you as you report on issues overseas."

I have never loved watching the news so much. Robin Meade - News Anchor Heroine

I Have No Idea What's Going On

So in the past few days, I've seen evidence of several things that I simply wonder why we are wasting are time on this:

- Paris Hilton - 'Nuff Said..oh, and for the record, I REALLY doubt it.

- Reproduction - Science has apparently found the way to bypass men.

- Government - They are getting away with complete chaos despite efforts to check and balance them.

- Little Fat Kids - About damn time.

- Crime - What the hell is wrong with these people???

Title Does Not Dictate Behavior

Despite my designation as the HR guy, so far today I've:

-Threatened to sell my company computer for cash

-Sent a dirty text to a girl while on the clock

-Shredded something that I'm not exactly should have been shredded

-Thought about bolting from work early

-Caught myself checking out the receptionist

-Made fun of the idea of making employees have fun at work

The Craziest Mess I Done Ever Seen

This morning I saw something that struck me as completely odd, and I have yet to figure out how to react to it.

I saw a homeless woman folding her clothes.

Watching Paint Stay Wet

So one of the biggest problems I've found to date with my HR job is this. I am here to administer benefits and training. If no one needs benefits, and no one can train because our operational tempo is so high, what have I left to do? Pretty much not much. So much not much, I've actually reorganized the filing system, researched the most craziest laws on labor regulations, and even gone so far as to memorize Title VII word by word. However, my sheer boredom is not alone by any means in this job, I'm sure plenty other people feel it out there, so some suggestions:

o Go take a raging duke
o Play MSN.com games and see how many "badges" you can get
o Surf Youtube to see how many teenage girls with unattractive bodies think their Shakira and have made their own video of "Hips Don't Lie" (Too many to count, look for yourself!)
o Blog
o Make strange noises anytime someone walks by your office/cubical
o Lead on one of those email scams and see how long you can keep it going
o See if you can eat a tablespoon of cinnamon
o See if you can drink a gallon of milk in one hour

**If you watched those videos, I'm sure you've had enough for now....

Work It! I Need A Glass of Watah!

Things that would make my okay HR job exceedingly more exciting:

- Beer on tap right next to my computer
- A "personal shredder" which is actually a hot secretary that stands next to my desk with scissors
- A giant iron door to my office with that eyeball door greeter thing from Jedi Strikes Back
- A hot dog roller like those from 7-11 next to my printer
- An office with a window so I could throw bouncy balls out of it when I was bored (I work at the top of a pretty tall building)
- With the press of a button, I could shut off the florescent lighting and have red lights come on, I would call this "red alert"

I'm Going To Wii All Over You

So if I were to tally up all the time I spent playing video games growing up, I'm sure I would be angry in the fact that I could have used all that time to learn something more useful, like ice sculpting with a chainsaw.

But as I take a less active role in today's gaming, I'm beginning to notice a pretty horrible trend that I can't allow to continue forward without at least saying something.

MSN.com Games - Essentially there are several distinct genres of games on MSN that are limited to a few, a very small few. Casino games, the switch-and-match games (i.e. Gems, Chainz, etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.), and pointless "Space Invader" knockoffs. These games have recently become just a platform for advertising, so they now entice us with "badges", which are essentially little icons (probably stolen from X-Box 360) to further advertising needs. But whatever, I'm addicted to online Texas Hold-Em, so I'll deal with their shameless Alltell Wireless plugs.

Nintendo - Although originally invented on the ATARI (go ahead and bet me on this, I'll show you the game), Mario and his Bro have continued to infest Nintendo for decades now. Originally novel during the Mario 1, 2, and 3...the greatness began to knock off after Dr. Mario and the seemingly unended variations on the old Mario games or Tetris. Tetris at least had the fortitude to die off quickly. And for the record with the new Wii, I play video games because I want to escape reality and be a slug on the couch. Controllers and games that require me to work up a sweat are the very antithesis of what gaming should be. If I want to "actually hit a tennis ball", I'll go out an play tennis. KILL MARIO!

Nintendo 64 - *cough*failure*cough* huh?

Sega Dreamcast - Who?

Sega Saturn - What?

XBox 360 - Although I was originally I was anti-Xbox due to my premature loyality to Playstation, the Xbox360 has actually turned my favor towards it. Non-stop games & downloadables are the best option about it. My only beef with this gaming system is the fact that nerdy little show-offs that don't know where "outside" is or why they would want to "play" there get to talk over headsets to other gamers. And it's never an intelligent saying either, it's either some "gay" remark, or someone trying to make futile alliances prior to a game of Halo 3 kicking off.

Playstation 3 - $600 for a game system? FUUUUUUCK YOU!

Personal Computers - Ideal for 1st person shooters due to the ease of control between the mouse and keyboard, my only beef is actually with game manufactures themselves. They have distinct problems or failures with games (or software in general) they produce:

1) They create an awesome game that requires a video card that hasn't been invented yet.

2) They create an awesome game for a certain operating system, operating system gets replace years later, and they don't re-release the game for the new operating system. I have lost COUNTLESS of good games to O/S upgrades. Why the hell wouldn't an old program work on a new system? Good one Bill!

3) Membership fees for online shooter games. Never. On XBox yes because it's for MANY games...I will not pay $29.95 a month for one game that I will get bored of in 2 months and toss.

4) Not enough pirate games! 'Nuff said.

PSP - What a horrible investment.

Don't Screw With My Disco, Man

I have no blogging juice today. Open gym day!

Everything Your Money Doesn't Want You To Buy

Diamond studded jeans = $4000

"Diamond-Tini" = $15,000

Fancy-as-hell-yet-impossible-to-read-custom-watch = $90,000

Rhodium Coated Pen w/ 5000+ diamonds = $265,000

Cucumber Flavored Pepsi = More justifyable purchase then anything listed above

Adventures in Absinthe Part II

So I've received another absinthe kit in the mail and this time I'm prepared. On my last trip to Oregon to visit my friend ("Oregon-B"), I picked up a couple huge bottles of Everclear, the required 1 of 2 ingredients (the other being Vodka) to make this potent stuff.

Although I am optimistic that I'm making it with higher quality booze this time, I'm sure it'll still taste like tree-ass. Only this time it'll be more potent tree-ass. The painful thing is that it has a light hint of licorice and mint. Very deceiving to smell then taste.

There Are 670 Types of Cheese In The World!

But the question related to this factoid is...why?

This Cyber Sucks

Some random items I hate on the Internet:



- That stupid animated dancing baby

- The Mentos & Diet Coke - Yes, we all got it...it gets really fizzy

- Spam - I'm tired of being told that I'll receive 2.5 million by a man in Zimbabwe if only I give him my entire bank porfolio

- Lowermybills.com - They're the ones responsible for the irritating animated ads...go to MSN.com if you really want to see more

- Spam Again - No, I really didn't win an Internet lottery, and no, I don't want a bigger wang

- The "Order Now" Button - The button with the specific instructions not to hit twice, but it usually freezes up after you only push it once

- YouTube Videos of Babys - Really! They're not funny!

- Web boards - Because people that post here have yet to realize the futility of debating on the Internet

- Web based video games - I hate the idea of me being beaten at a game by a 13 year old that refuses to go to school so that he can call me a "stupid noob" instead

Take That NOOB

To keep today short, I just want to send praise to every designer for first person shooters. From the old-school Castle Wolfenstein to today's Quake & Half Life, nothing says stress relief then shredding characters at point blank range with massive, unlogistically acceptable weapons.

Boooyah!

Is Paris Burning?

Hell yes!

I love watching the rich cry, especially because there are worse places to be going then a jail.

Theory - The Master Dentist

Dentistry is one of the few professions where the actual practicer must rely on peers from the same field to assist them. Mechanics can fix their own car, doctors can diagnose themselves, and carpenters can build their own shelving.
I would submit this stream of logic:

- Every dentist wants to go to someone equal or superior to them (because they know what good and bad dentistry looks like and what it can do)

- Unless they mutually support one another, that dentist that does work on one dentist, is in turn seen by a "better" dentist.

- Each dentist that works on a dentist, sees a "better" dentist.

- Inevitably, climbing the pyramid, you will get to the Master Dentist

Proposed Profile of the Master Dentist (MD):
- MD's tools taste like candy and are thrown away after one use
- MD's office has shag carpeting and a live band
- MD's dental chair is made by Lay-Z-Boy
- MD's gloves smell like fresh cinnamon roles
- MD can pull a tooth with his mind

Looking Up From The Flat of My Back

So today was tooth cleaning after yesterday's awesome news of no cavities (that the Army originally convinced me that I had 3). So I would like to share in bullet format the thoughts of my dental fun:

1) For once, I would like to go to a cleaning, and not get a lesson on how to floss

2) a. Me laying down and a hot girl with rubber gloves looming over me = Good
b. Me laying down and a hot girl with rubber gloves and a dental pick looming over me = bad

3) If the hygenist asks what kind of toothpaste you use, never say "the one that's on sale".

4) There is nothing more humbling then watching the dentist pick out a piece of last night's bean burrito from behind your wisdom tooth and wiping it on your paper bib.

5) All teeth professionals (dentists, orthodontists, dental hygenists, etc) HATE wisdom teeth. You'd think at some point growing up, a wisdom tooth pimp slapped their mother.

6) Next time you have a mouthful of teeth cleaning goodness, right before they suck it out with the straw...swallow it and immediately sit up and ask "holy crap that burns like hell!"

7) Take a short piece of floss and stick it between two molars. Then wait and find out how long it takes them to find it.

8) Why is there coffee & cookies in the waiting room of the dentist? I'm sure the dentists don't appreciate a freshly-coffee-hosed set of teeth

9) People would like dentists more if they gave nitrous regardless of the procedure

10) I would give mad props to the dentist office that used bacon flavored flouride

Dentistry in a War Zone?

Dear Army Dental Corps,

I wanted to take this moment to thank you for the past 25 years you've provided me with dental care.

Every time I was told I didn't need Novocaine because a cavity wasn't that deep, and you ended up hitting a nerve. Or every time I went in for what I thought was a cleaning, and it ended up being some painful procedure. I will miss all of these moments.

I remember my fond memory of my last routine check up with one of your fine dentists. I was told I had three cavities and that they needed to be filled immediately. It's funny now because I just saw my first civilian dentist for a check up (which might I add, had a VERY hot dental assistant - which up until this time I was lead to believe that only old & ugly women could do this). Apparently those cavities have magically healed, and I'm only in need of a tooth cleaning, which I've been told if I'm concerned about the pain, they'll give me nitrous.

Once again, I appreciate the cost-cutting, let's-get-through-ten-more-soldiers-before-lunch scheme of no pain management. I will miss it tearfully, or rather lack thereof.

Bite my butt,

(former) Captain Azurael

Never A Smooth Transition

Changing out from military to civilian life, there are many things to get used to when dealing with non-military. One of the biggest ones is the fact that civilians don't have the same concept of time when dealing with deadlines like military do. Where as any soldier would show up roughly 10 minutes before a meeting would start, civilians usually tool through the door anywhere from start time to 10 minutes after. Even if the meeting was how to live forever, people would still come walking, not hurrying mind you, walking through the door.
Then on my way to work this morning, I found myself battling with a pretty startling epiphany as I drove by the golf course at 7:30am:

"I bet those fuckers are early for tee time"

Invention - The ShutDown Button

Everyone who ever goes to bars has been in the similar situation of being accosted by an endless stream of crappy music from a juke box. And the bad music never comes in the form of one or two songs, it usually the person with the worst taste in music AND approximately $10 in quarters that they have decided to sink entirely into the complete discography of Meatloaf.
Now there is an invention to fight back against this. Some bars are actually outfitted with a device that allows the bartender to override the jukebox and skip to the next song. I'm sure it's called the "keep sanity" button in which it prevents the bartender from having to hear Freebird 5 times an hour.
The shutdown button is simple. Every table and/or stool in the bar is equipped with a switch, which can be turned on or off by the bartender (or possibly turned on by a pressure plate when the individual sits down). Once the button has been activated, it now is connected directly to the jukebox.
If an individual then decides to play, oh I don't know, Achy Breaky Heart, and the entire bar wants to kill him, this is how the shutdown occurs.
For example, if 10 people are in a bar, they each have a button. If they hear said song, if at least 5 people push their button, the music shuts off and skips to the next song. If all 10 people push their button, then the jukebox (especially designed) will recognize the fingerprints of the individual, and block them from choosing music for a 24 hour period.
A loose design on the idea of popular vote, but the next time a crappy song (or series of crappy songs from the same crappy genre) is played...just look around and see how many people cringe. And if you see a college girl flash the sign of the devil and go "whooo", then you know you're fucked.

Pointless Musings

Made a visit out last night to see ol' Bogey at the Indian resturant bar. I passed this time on one of his "5 alcohol" drink delights, and instead settled for something that I was pretty confident I'd drink slowly. And I did. Either because I ordered something I don't usually drink (vodka & tonic) or because I was still somewhat hungover from the previous night (Idol Vodka is smoother then it should be). Suffice to say, in my ramblings with my friends and some of their friends that I met in the process...I had several of the following epiphanys:

1) Guns & Fuck - Every man is entirely drawn to movies that contain one of two or both things. Either the movie has guns, or the word fuck is used at least once. Suffice to say, this not only shows that certain things are linked genetically, but also that three little words like this would look great on a t-shirt.

2) The Free Shot - Even if a person, mostly guys again in this case, were on the verge of barking their brains out due to having too much to drink, rarely will someone turn down a free shot. Either from another friend, or from the bartender themself.

3) Crappy Jukebox Music - It's essentially a given that if someone who has a poor choice in music is plugging into the jukebox, the odds are usually in their favor that they sank a good $10 into it, and it's all from the exact same genre you hate.

I know I had more epiphanys last night, but I lacked the pen-and-paper-napkin combo to record them with.