I Don't Do The Hug-A-Bug Anymore

In a random fit of thinking back during my planning for this weekend, I've had some flashbacks of my "dance club days". These were the days (ironically pre-Iraq) that myself and several of my friends would go to the "clubs" (which I call the "oonsk oonsk clubs") where it was pretty much a combination of bad beats & a meat market gone awry.

There is a check list to read off so you know you're in a crappy club.

1) Atrocious Drinks - The drinks are usually served in oversized plastic cups, too much ice, watered down to all hell, and still cost about $6. This is the only time I consider drinking Bud Lite, because I know they can't water that down, and I know I might actually get drunk.

2) Deafening Music - For some reason, the designers of these clubs put table in and about the edges of the dance floor at the insane belief that people will actually sit there and what? Talk? Or scream at each other that they can't hear what the other person is saying. The deafening OONSK OONSK of oversized speakers drown out all but the distant "WOOOO" of the drunk Soroity girl dancing on the bar.

3) WOO Girls - The bars and pubs I go now, I know will pass the Woo test. This test is simple. Bring in a girl off the street, have her start dancing in place, then have her put both hands in the air and yell "woo" just like the psychos on Girls Gone Wild. The bartender and all patrons will immediately decend on her, bind her like a package being sent to Antartica, and swiftly kick her out. However, that the OONSK OONSK bars, these girls are all over...for some reason yelling for any possible reason. I still haven't grasped why they do this, nor do I honestly care...as long as it ain't in my Irish pub.

4) Guys That Dance - Let me set the record when I say this. Guys dance. Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly are perfect examples of men that could tap dance on the head of a pin with their eyes closed. However, the kind of "dancing" at the OONSK OONSK bars is not dancing. Guys, just because you're either trying to lechily grind on the ass of a girl you don't know, or you tip your hat down and are trying to do a circular Moonwalk to any Nelly song, that doesn't mean you're dancing. That means you're taking every great dancer in the world's history and pissing in their Wheaties.

5) The "I Just Wanna Dance" Girls - I thought this was an urban myth until one of my friends and I, standing on the steps of a local dance club, actually heard a girl say this. "No guys tonight, no drama tonight, all we're gonna do is dance!" Then what did they follow it up with? A collective Woo....of course.

**There's more I'm sure, but reliving this much is already too painful to bear. I guess dance clubs are just something people need to work out of their systems. It's pretty much just a place where girls can go to shoot down guys, and guys can go to completely drag our gender through the mud by acting like complete a-holes to girls.