And I Forgot To Cancel My Paper

So according to some Creationist dillhole, supposidly all the self righteous Christians (btw, I am Christian, believe it or not) will be raptured tomorrow. Really? Seriously?

Now albeit, if it does actually happen, according to the "rapture criteria", I'll be here blogging on Monday, and eating about a ton of humble pie (along with brimstone and the 4 horsemen and whatevers supposed to happen).

Anyway, when 6 pm passes (supposed rapture time), I would love to be there to pimp slap Harold Camping square in his donut masher and say "where's your Rapture now b**ch!?"

Honestly, anyone that can seriously believe this, probably should be floated off the Earth for anywhere but here.

See you Post-Rapture!

"Never Rub Another Mans Rhubarb!"

In a wildly disturbing news article, a measure is appearing on a San Francisco ballot to ban male circumcision, with the supporters of the ban claiming that it's "genital mutilation".

Okay retards, let's break this sh*t down barney style because you obviously don't know your ass from a hole in the ground:

- Female Circumcision is different from Male Circumcision in that Female Circumcision is viewed by the World Health Organization (WHO) as violence against women, where as male circumcision is viewed by the WHO as being a proactive choice to reduce the transmission of HIV. Furthermore, female circumcision damages parts of the body that allow for sexual stimulation (i.e. nerve clusters), whereas male circumcision only removes a piece of skin, and arguably increases sensitivity (i.e. no nerve clusters...just skin, duh).

- Secondly, there are several religions that require that all men be circumcised. So in banning this practice, you're essentially truncating people's ability to participate freely in their religion. Yes, yes, yes, I can already here "but female genital mutilation was also parts of religion". Apparently you need to re-read the above bullet.

- Thirdly, no circumcision= Smegma. 'Nuff said. GROSS.

- Forth, aesthetics. Uncut junk looks like a f**ked up hot dog. Gross.

- Fifth, choices. This movement coming from San Francisco of all places. The place where people piss and moan about individual rights like gay marriage. Yet they turn around, and attempt to turn circumcision into a misdemeanor. Really? What kind of hypocritical BS is that??

- Sixth, a little too close to home for me. I refuse to believe I am a "victim of genital mutilation". My junk is fantastic and I would have it done twice if I needed to! Plus, I know an overwhelming majority of women out there prefer the "cut" to "uncut".

- Seventh (and probably should have been second), it has been shown to reduce the potential for certain diseases (and is easier to keep clean). I, for one, and totally down at being at reduced risk of STD's.

- Eigth, this procedure is what separates humans from animals. I am not a dog, and don't want some weird lipstick looking tube attached to my body. I want the sh*t that women's wet dreams are made of, and that's the kinda dongs you can only see in porn. How many pornos you've seen with uncircumcised junk?

- Ninth, SMEGMA! GROSS.

In closing, San Francisco can officially gargle my nuts. While I believe the government should have the authority to limit certain self-damaging acts (i.e. drugs, suicide, etc.), they DO NOT have any right to intervene on something that is beneficial just because a bunch of patchouli drenched, tye dye wearing asshats want to be on a political platform about sh*t that doesn't affect them.

San Francisco, get on the f**king wheel!!!

Things Just Got Weird

Was out last night in which a giant guy came into the bar. Loaded to the hilt with tattoos, piercings, sunglasses, bracelets, a goofy f**king hat (i.e. the kind Slash wears) and God help me, pink hello kitty socks. He then piped in about how he was doing a drag show later that night, and was showing off his socks and tattoos at any chance possible.

Wow, never realized how much I loathe histrionic types.

F**king Civilians

(Going to a gay bar tonight for Community ASL - Guarenteed to be a good time whatfor accessibility to beer....and that's all)

As I climb higher and higher in leadership, I find it more irritating how much "hand holding" I need to do. Most jobs have a learning curve, and it's expected by most supervisors that you won't be expected to know everything all at once.

This being a darker side of my professional HR posts, there are many things people can learn about what bad employees/employers do. First, wanna be a good employee? Worry about your own job performance. Don't worry about what the a$$ hat next to you is doing. And if you have a problem at work, you better damn well present a solution, or you're just contributing to the problem.

Wanna be a good employer? Don't let crappy employees get away with murder. It just screws over the person that takes over for you when you get fired.

Wow, Garfield Was Right

Classic Monday at work. A wee bit hungover from the weekend, weekend not long enough, and everyone's got enough gripes to give me an ulcer. Buggering things today:

1) Why is my alarm clock radio always not on a station, and constantly plays static?
2) I have bleach resistant mold in my bathroom.
3) Hot girl in boots seen on the way to work. Yes, the "holy-crap-she's-so-hot-I'm-angry-hot."
4) No parking at work, awesome.
5) Started with 10 emails at 730 this morning. Really? From over the weekend? Who the hell sent me emails over the weekend?
6) Angry email from supervisor.
7) Angry email from other supervisor.
8) More complaints from subordinates.
9) Realization I haven't watched enough fetish porn this weekend.
10) Sandwiches from Safeway suck. Too dry, meat has a weird texture, and $2.50? Really?
11) Energy drink kicks in three hours late.
12) Suddenly strangly quiet at work.....that can't be good.
13) Time to blog!!

You know, it's weird, going to therapy, I figured my mood would become more optimistic over time. I guess when you're hungover and tired, tends to wear on you anyway.

Awesome.

It's Too Early For This Sh*t

Went out with some coworkers last night with the intent of having a few beers and calling it an early evening. That didn't happen however. I'm slowly learning that once you begin making your way home, it's best to go home. After we all left the bar, one of my coworkers suckered me into going to another bar and drinking for a couple more hours, which is fine an dandy, but he has the day off, and I'm hungover as hell at work.

I don't get the typical hangovers like most people do. Alot of people get severe headaches, nausea, stomach cramps, etc.etc.etc. Not me, I essentially stay drunk. Right now, the only complaint I have is having what would amount to a massive case of medicine head. Plus, I have the wonderful side effect of getting crazy horny when I'm hungover. So not only do I look like crap, I'm sporting a mega-chub at the same time. Gross.

I've been researching (instead of working) hangover cures on the internet. Alot of schools of thought about how to accelerate the healing process. The general concensus seems to be sleep, water, vitamin and mineral intake (i.e. pickles and fish), electrolyte intake, and sometimes even hair of the dog (i.e. gin and tabasco....gross). I'm getting ready to go to the store on my lunch break, and am going to buy a couple of hard boiled eggs, a big ass pickle, and some juice. We'll see how this goes.

I Still Never Use That Stuff

Today was financials day, in which I get the wonderous opportunity of looking at my organizations income and expenses for the previous month.

Based on this information, I must then turn around and explain and major spikes in expenses, as well as try to predict (or what they call "forecast") the income and expenses for the next 4 months.

They didn't plan this well. Math has been my worst subject since 5th grade. In fact, the only class I came within a hair of receiving a D in (f**k you Geometry). The instant letters or formulas hop into math is when I immediately check out in the mental area.

And I manage a 2.5 million dollar budget. Hmmm.

"Now That is A Pretty Sweet Earth...ROUND"

Being part of an "eco friendly" think tank at work, I've spent the last two hours attempting to find recycling laws for the State of Washington.

My research has apparently revealed that there are no discernable laws, and everyone recycles because they're a bunch of smelly hippies with nothing better to do with their lives.

Do I recycle now that I live in Washington? Yes I do. The only reason is I now have the freedom to throw all my recyclables into one giant bin and done, I've just saved a tiny bit of the planet. However, recycling when it comes to living in Idaho boils down to living in the stone age of solid waste management. Metals must be in a separate container from glass (which is further sorted into clear, green, and brown glass). Newspapers and/or magazines must be stacked and bound with twine.

Yep, I'll say it again, twine.

Really? What average college kid is going to keep a roll of twine in their shanty apartment? F**k you Idaho, I'm just throwin' everything in the garbage because of that pretentious move.

Too Epic For Me

After a week of battling, my cold is finally beginning to subside. Now only massive head congestion and occasionally needing to blow my nose remains...I should probably cut down on smoking while I'm sick (or overall in general).

Had to speak on workplace ethics today during a staff meeting. One of those futile topics that you learn that you can literally beat people about the head and shoulders with, but still, if people are going to screw up, it's just going in one ear and out the other.

Slept with my contacts in last night, that's always fun in the morning as I'm staggering around with my eyes swollen so bad I look like a mole person freshly up from the ground.

Might potentially go to the community ASL Night at the gay bar tonight. Not that I don't enjoy being the only straight guy at a gay bar, but I don't. So yeah....there's that.

Been seeing a shrink now for about a month. Waaaaay better than my previous shrink as he's less zen and more of "if you keep doing this, you're gonna die." It also helps that he has a doctorate in his profession, and not a glorified Master's degree. Detroit.

Been chronically missing my college job as a cook at a steakhouse to the point that I fantasize about winning the lottery, and spending a huge chunk of cash rebuilding to the inch the place I worked at. Only instead of staffing it with college kids, it'd be nothing but hot chicks. Kinda like Hooters, only I'd be sure not to get the dumb ones, and shorts would be strictly off limits around food.

A movie about Thor? Really? And who the f**k in Hollywood thought it's okay to redo Conan. So help me if there is ONE explosion in that, I will just lose it and burn the rest of California to the ground.

I think three giant Monster energy drinks a day will ultimately be bad for me. I think it's about time I switch back to coffee for a while.

Actually ran at the gym for the first time in many moons yesterday at the gym. Surprisingly I'm not that sore, and I didn't lose all that much speed. That being said, I was reminded all too much about how much I loathe people that walk on treadmills for 20 to 30 minutes at a pop.

Wow, I am caffeinated.

"I AM Speed Muthaf**ka!"

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've posted. Unfortunately, work has been gobbling up most of my time to the point where I barely have enough time to crap nonetheless do the important stuff (read: game, blog, drink).

Per my usual manner, I like to do summations in bulleted format, what:

- Had a terrific leg workout with my personal trainer, followed by a horrific two days where my calves were so tight I couldn't touch my heels to the ground.

- Went to Florida this last weekend for a work conference. The good thing was now I can say I've actually been to Florida instead of just going through the airport. The bad thing is I now know I should never drink with anyone from England or Switzerland. (And they can probably say the samething about Americans) I haven't been thrown out of a bar since college.

- I've now decided to develop my own Murtough list. If you're not sure what it is, look is up (i.e. "I'm too old for that sh*t!!)

- Returned from Florida with my typical end-of-winter cold that results in missing a day of work due to what I call "Niagra Nose" in which I have a constant downpour of what appears to be water from my nose. I now know I can produce enough mucus to burn through two rolls of toilet paper in the nose-blowing process.

- Upon returning from Florida Sunday night, I heard the news that a certain terrorist leader is dead. Enter dance of joy, and an unexpected jealousness of being a Navy Seal. (Hey...I'm an Army guy, don't do air and don't do water.)

- Preparing to declare an all out war on my body through essentially living at the gym....once my sinuses decide to stop being defiant of me.

- In the process of losing 4 days at the office, I found myself somewhat behind the power curve. Then I discovered that a mixture of Sudafed and Monster Energy drinks have a similar effect to Ritalin. I got ALOT of sh*t done today, all the while time seemed to be crawling along.

- Haven't really sat down and watched some awesome kinky porn in a while, so that's in the "fun que" for the time being.

Back to time travel! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!