Bonus Blog! Why Not Be Diet Evil?

Behold....Krystal Meyers. Listening to her music but not the lyrics (and wholly disregarding the crappiness that is this video), her stuff isn't that bad.

Upon closer review, yeah...she's a Christian singer. While I'm not against Christian bands, sometimes they tend to sound a bit the same. She's not bad because she has a wide range of musical sounds.

That all being said, if she went metal, even not totally (i.e. Anthrax but rather Flyleaf) metal...she would be way better.

And for f*cks sake, lose the pink-and-pearl-necklace ensemble. We know you're all good and stuff, but man, don't go cliche on the world.

Does It Hurt To Be So Wrong?

Fi-hinally some justice in this world. Although my current faith in the justice system is currently bubbling around nhil, it's starting to perk up after hearing this glorious decision.

A judge from the San Francisco Supreme court has knocked-the-f*ck-out an initiative that would have banned circumcision from a ballot to be voted on by the (now crazies) people of the area. The judge ruled that it would regulate a medical procedure and that there's point in it being on the ballot.

And on a non-judicial point of view, would have had a disparate impact against religious views that believe circumcision should occur for all males upon birth.

And on a personal view, no, it's not f*cking torture, and it isn't even remotely comparable to female circumcision that damages nerve clusters and results in loss of sensitivity. Just because you a$$holes think that uncut junk is "natural" and "right", doesn't mean you're a few bananas short of a bunch. It's been proven (yes, it HAS been proven) by the World Health Organization to reduce the possibly of certain STD transmissions, PLUS it's easier to keep the cash and prizes clean (i.e. no smegma...yeah, I said it).

First of all, mad props to the Honorable Loretta Giorgi. Good decision judge. You're alright in my book.

Second of all, this now makes me wonder about the legal precendence set about the inability of government to "regulate a medical procedure". Wouldn't this apply to abortion?

I'll stop at that....just makes me think.

Then I think of uncut junk and I throw up.

Where I'd Rather Be....

For some reason, the past few weeks have been pretty uneventful. Getting up at the buttcrack of dawn (well, almost), going to work, plinking through some very minor, unenergizing projects for 8 hours, listening to Jango, and blogging when I get the chance. Then I go home, typically I'll sit on the couch and watch tv until it's bedtime.

I began reflecting on what I used to do in the evenings during the weekend to have fun, and this is what I've boiled up:

- High School: Had alot of friends, and an EARLY curfew...so, not much.

- College: Worked...alot. On top of a full load at school and ROTC labs to tend to.

- Army: Worked. If I got bored, I'd typically throw on my duty belt and go fight crime for 10-12 hours over the evening/weekend. During not that time, I'd sit around my townhouse watching crappy 90's movies or playing long, boring games on my Playstation 2. Or, you know...porn.

- K-Mart: Drank. Alot.

- HR Job: Actually was going out and being quite a bit social. Had lot of friends that didn't end up getting married and/or weird until a bit later on. Probably the height of my social activities since college.

- Unemployment: The day and evening kinda mixed together, so gaming and drinking. And looking for a job. ALOT.

- Currently: Before my hiatus from drinking...drinking. Now, it's either meeting with my personal trainer, drinking tea, playing video games, or...well...porn.

Wow...I need some f**king friends.

Great...Now The World Thinks Were Idiots...Again.

*Sigh* Okay, here we go:

In this article, Glenn Beck pretty much compared the recent young victims of the terrorist attack in Norway as being members of Hitler Youth.

This is ordinarily where I would attack every fiber of his being, to include the fact that he was born in Washington state, his mom (as he reports) committed suicide, most likely because he was the product of a failed abortion that lived. Or just the simple fact that this guy makes Hitler look like a Care Bear.

But this guy is SO F**KING STUPID, I can't really even bring myself to waste my hard earned energy on dumping on ever aspect of this waste of carbon.

So I'd rather just address him directly.

"Dear Mr. Beck,

Why are you so f**king stupid? Are you aware pretty much nobody likes you and you're making Rush Limbaugh look like a genius? Doesn't it bug you that you make Bill O'Reilly look like a moderate liberal? Arn't you concerned that you're slowly making me wonder who I'd rather take a corn laden dump on between you and Ann Coulter?

It's one thing to be a giant bag of retard gas, but when your rants result in sh*tting on victims of another country, implying Nazism against one of our allies in WWII, doesn't that concern you? Just because you're trying to be the worlds biggest a$$hole doesn't mean you need to paint the United States that way.

God if I were you, I'd be depressed because I'd be such a pile of sh*t that no one would waste a bullet on me to shut me up.

STOP TALKING.

Love and regards,

Azurael"

Bonus Blog! Where Were You When I Was Rollin' Die...

This picture is of several Comicon goers this year.

Where were these girls when I was growing up. Wait, let me answer that. They didn't exist yet. Much like the Internet, these girls were not yet in existence.

What makes me even more angry, I can't fathom what women that do this are thinking. Do they know they're driving the nerds bonkers by looking this good (and nerdy)?

But seriously, where the f**k were these women hiding?!

Not Of This World

Along time ago when I was living the great area of Northern Idaho, I had thoughts of living in Seattle. Liked the idea of rain and less than alot of sun.

After several sweltering summers and winters in Missouri, I REALLY wanted to live in Seattle.

And after Iraq, hands down, need overcastness, mild climates, and rain.

Fastforward several years....yeah, I'm done liking Seattle. And you know, it's not really the city itself that I don't like. I actually like the infrastructure of the city. The small neighborhoods, the ranging types of terrain, and a crazy a$$ amount of trees.

No, it's not the city...it's the f**king people. Crackie after crackie, bum after bum, I begin to loathe this place more and more.

But who I am to drone on in narrative? Get your guns cause I got the bullets.

I don't belong in Seattle because:

Food

- If I can't pronounce it, I'm (probably) not going to put it in my mouth. Pear–jicama slaw or Kurobuta bacon? Seriously?

- I refuse to pay $2 more for an onion that is organic, and not treated with pesticides. I mean seriously, it grew in the ground.

- Foodies. Aka, people that looooove food. (read: faaaaaat)

- A f**king farmers market at 6 pm on a Thursday evening right up the street near my apartment? Seriously? WHO DOES THAT?

- Cupcakes. Huge in Seattle. And expensive in Seattle.

Booze

- Drinking an IPA tastes like I juiced 20 pounds of hops and chugged it under 3 seconds. Seriously guys, remember the days when beer wasn't supposed to be bitter? Your "microbrew" tastes like the brewer took a majorduke in it.

- Bars. Expensive. $20 drinks? Yeah, they exist. And no, they don't come with a set of car keys or a pretty girl.

- Not found in strip clubs. And no, I don't want a gross lap dance or a $5 coke.

- Wine bars, much worse. Appetizers (again, made of literally the unpronouncible) that are about $100, and a glass of wine that costs three times as much as the bottle? How about no?

- The people of Seattle have decided in their finite wisdom that liquor laws need to keep booze in the hands of the state, and not the grocery store. Parents...if you're kids are going to get booze, they're not going to swipe it from the store, they're going to get a buyer.

Pet Owners (i.e. just the dog owners)

- I don't have a dog. And if I did have a dog, I wouldn't do what 99% of Seattle dog owners would do, and f**k my dog in the a$$ every chance I got.

- "Wag More"? What the f**k does that bumper sticker mean? Oh yeah, I don't f**k my dog.

- Bars are for people. Stores are for people. Restaurants are for people. NOT DOGS. And no, if that is your "service dog", show me it's f**king papers.

- Yes, I said "it". Your dog is not equal to a human.

Sports

- The University of Washington Huskies. Yes, I will relent, they are a good football team. Will I call them a "Dawg"? No. Will I ever place any interest into any college sports? F**k no.

- I was glad to see the Sonics go. In fact, I wish I could have been the proverbial doorman to hold the proverbial door from hitting their actual asses on the way out.

- I hate the Mariners. They are terrible at baseball.

- I hate the Thunderbirds. Did you know Seattle had a pro-hockey team? Yeah, neither did I until I googled "Seattle professional hockey team".

- I hate the Sounders. They are terrible at soccer.

- And no, nobody likes soccer. And I get that the rest of the world likes soccer, but it's because the majority of it is poor, and can only afford a patch of grass and a soccer ball.

People

- I'm a pretty liberal person here, but sweet crap, some people here make me look like Ghengis Khan. (And no, I'm obviously not for "medicinal marijuana")

- If I smell patchouli one more time, I swear to Moses I will black out and wake up surrounded by dead hippies.

- Gay pride parade. Let me caveat by saying, all people have the right to live the way they want to. That being said, gay and lesbian community, you'll probably get your equal rights and respects a bit sooner when you're not prancing down the street dressed wearing ass-less chaps and looking like a scene from Caligula.

- There's a legion of cyclists here. But no, not the Lance Armstrongs that train to compete nationally and internationally. They're typically unshaven, kinda fat, ignore traffic laws including helmets, and apparently are just DYING for an excuse to shave their legs like some weirdo freak.

- People cannot drive in Seattle. Apparently in city limits, turning on your hazards means you can park anywhere. Turn signals and speed limits? Totally optional.

- I will never be able to blend a guy who has crack-induced-Parkinson's into the background. I find it repulsive and viscerally disturbing everytime.

- I don't give bums money, because the idea is that they will go away after a while.

Starbucks

- Your coffee is over roasted, over priced pee water.

- If your brand is working so well, why do you have to own Seattle's Best all sneaky like?

There's more. Hell, I learn something new I hate about this city everyday....but this blog is already too long.

Math Doesn't Do You Justice

I love women. Everytime I see an attractive woman, I thank God I'm a heterosexual male with fully functioning eyesight and body parts.

But as I've thought about women, even the finest of all women (See my "Top 5 List"), are good alone, but for some reason, they're just way more finer in a group. Even if they're not in any type of discernable, established group or community, even looking alike, I think it just makes each member of the group incrementally hotter.

String Quartets: "Escala"

I'm a sucker for a woman who knows how to play a violin. I am a HUGE sucker for four women that know how to play stringed instruments, and just happen to love to wear leather and heels.

Another String Quartet: "Bond"

I'm beginning to notice a theme here between strings and leather. Hmmm.

Chicks In Fetishwear
Ladies, the male mind tends to go a bit haywire when they see a woman dressed as though she's going to put you in alot of pain. And I can guarentee you his head will be close to exploding if there are four of you.

The 2008 Summer Olympics: The Russian Gymnasts

One gymnast, hot. A team of gymnasts? Call the fire department.

Chick Rock Bands: "Drain STH"

Double bonus here, foreign and all chicks. Notice how even the semi-homely one on the right appears to be somewhat more attractive? (Trust me, they look way better actually playing musical instruments)


Nerd Fantasy Chicks: "Slave Leia"

Now, while not one of my personal cups of tea, most nerds I know dig heavy on the Slave Leia fantasy. I can't even imagine the protein stains involved should they talk the wrong turn at a Comic Con and walk into this photo shoot.


Comic Convention: "Alike-Cosplay-Girls"

Chicks dressed up in anything abormal will pretty much light the fire under a guy. Yeah, we're pretty simple minded like that. Although it typically helps if said costuming is slutty in nature and made of the tightest fitting material known to man.

Either way, any pack of these women could jump me in a dark alley and I'm pretty sure I'd be a-okay.

The Most Common STD? Babies.

I was debating today whether to blog on this topic or something about bunches of chicks and how awesome they are over chicks who are solo. Call me insane, but hate got the better of me and I decided to rant about how much I hate babies.

Yes, I said it, I hate babies. I don't care whose baby it is, I hate IT.

Now fair to say, my hatred of babies isn't spawned from what babies actually are, but more of societies view on them. Somehow, with each passing decade, it seems as though society as a whole is more focused on "the future generation" and less about the current living decade. And moreover, there is such social pressure to have children now, apparently "bastard" is no longer a bad thing to have. People are becoming obsessed with crapping these things out at such an alarming rate, they basically allow it to possess their life.

I've born witness to many couples who end up having kids, and watch as their social lives die a very slow, hideous, torturous death at the hands of what is essentially an anchor in a diaper. No sleep, being covered in whiz/poop/vomit, constant crying, bills out the wazoo, and even the enormous battle damage they do to the woman's body upon birth just doesn't strike me as worth it. I value my free time too much. I like being responsible for myself and myself alone. I like being able to eat crappy foods, leave the apartment whenever I want, beat off whenever I want, and play Xbox until all hours of the night. Having a baby would not only retard my ability to do stuff I want but when I want.

And yes, I've heard the classic defenses: "it's different when they're yours" and "you're going to grow up lonely" and "who will carry on the family name" and finally, "you'd make a great father".

My answers are this in summation:

- Yes, it is different, because I can't hand them back to the parents when they drop a deuce in their diaper, or decide to cry for 10 hours at a time. I'm required, by law, to keep them safe and secure until they get unruly as a teenager and I can kick their a$$ out of my house.

- Grow up lonely? No. That's what women are for. Trust me, I can replicate what a baby might provide me the same with hookers and blow.

- Who will carry on the family name? My brother's kids. There's three of them now, that's all our lineage needs. Trust me, we're set for a few more generations. This all besides the LEGIONS of cousins I have living in Missouri. There's those guys too....

- I would make a great father? Let's do the math there glass-half-full. I drink about 4 energy drinks a day, I rarely floss, I sleep at least until noon every weekend morning, I drink like a fish, and I have a habit of letting my rage for the world explode out of me in hour long cuss tyraids. I can barely care for myself, nonetheless care for a kid. Trust me, if I'm saying I wouldn't be a good father. Just nod and go along with it.

No, I don't think your baby is cute, so stop showing me pictures, and for f*ck's sake, stop making it your Facebook profile picture. When that happens, I tend to break my mouse finger deleting and blocking you from any further contact.

Furthermore, your babies are currently already ruining my world. I no longer enjoy a flight anywhere without hearing your kid (yes, your kid makes noise...they are not an angel, you've just learned how to tune it out) babble and scream their head off. I can no longer go to a movie theater in peace (seriously, who the f**k brings a baby to a movie that is rated R and starts at 9 pm? Shouldn't that little bastard be in bed?). And I sure as hell cannot go to a restaurant because regardless of the upscale-ness of the restaurant, someone always has a fleet of children who act as though they've been given 10 shots of adrenaline and a coffee enema.

And the classic towards non-breeders that we're being "selfish" is just gay. Really?? I'M being selfish? You're the inconsiderate f**kwad who thinks having a kid is something to brag about, then expects "the village to raise a kid". No, I have absolutely no requirement in my life to suffer for your kid. You should feel lucky enough that every time your baby starts crying for hours and hours, typically in a business I've paid some sort of admission or service charge to be in, that I don't pick it up and punt it football style out of the nearest window. You've decided to be a parent, if you're going to be all high and mighty about it, then f**king act like it. Showing off pictures and prattling on about your thing a good parent does not make alone.

And finally, and most importantly, the state of being pregnant is by all means a hideous sight. Beyond looking like a hippopotamus with a gland problem, the body is going insane trying to adapt to the fact that another human is being created. Hormones, flatulence, mucus plugs...it's all just a hideous sight. I've heard many man say they've never been more turned on then when their wives were pregnant. My theory behind that f**king stupid statement is this: when their wives were not pregnant, they weren't putting out. After she became pregnant and subsequently horny, she starting putting out alot...thusly, guy associates pregnant with booty banquet. And the actual act of delivering a kids is even more hideous. TV shows fail to mention that you'll "pee, puke, poop and fart in a room full of complete strangers". Yes, I'm from the generation that saw the "Miracle of Birth" video, and I'm still scarred by it. Seeing a human explode out of the genitals of another human is something that, when you think about it, seems like something you'd watch in Creepshow V.

Tapping Into My Nerdiness Past

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There are so many reasons why this video makes me happy, I just don't even know where to start....and I'm not going to.

Bonus Blog! I Pick My Poison (And It's Not Your Milkshake)

It's now been 1.5 months since I've had my last drink and...

...still blows.

But I've noticed that I've been good about finding various beverages to fill my consumption needs with. Most notibly is the Monster Energy Import drank. Crediting other then my consistant need to be caffinated, this drink is fancy and fun because it has a resealable lid just in case you're not able to finish the whole can (which, for most energy drink drinkers...shouldn't be a problem).

The downside of said lid is that after it has been opened and closed, when you reopen it, it fires off a money shot sized spray of energy drink inside of the same lethal radius of a hand grenade (5 meters for those of you keeping track). Suffice to say, prepare to go to a Gallagher show if you plan on drinking one of these.... you WILL get sticky.

My Music Shields My Ears From Your Insanity

Dear The Corrs,

I would like to add you as a band who I recently have grown very fond of while listening to Jango. Your voices are wonderful to listen to, as are your lyrics. And I'm of course not forgetting the fact that you're a bunch of really smokin' hot Irish chicks (and some dude).

Thanks again,

Azurael

Knee Deep In Nerdery

Found out this week XBox is finally doing some justice to those fans of us who looooove Warhammer 40k. They're releasing two new games (one already released - "Warhammer 40K: Kill Team" other - "Warhammer 40k: Space Marine) and they are just awesome to look at.

I never really got into this stuff much until I played the original strategy game for Warhammer 40k. But after I did, instant love at first game.

Not familiar with Warhammer 40k or Space marines? Well, here's the gist: Very distant future, God is now a really old guy kept alive by machines ("God Emperor"), humans are typically Space Marines who are giant hulking people with tons of implants and heavy a$$ ceramic armor who kill in the name of God.

If you ask me, that's good clean family fun!

Bonus Blog! Stream Of Passion y Goodness

Dear Marcela Bovio,

I recently discovered you and your band. Thank you for being a fantastic singer, thank you for not being part of the American "pre-built" music that is currently being produced, and most of all, thank you for being slammin' hot.

Respectfully,

Azurael

Finally The World Knows My Pain

Finally in a move of brilliance, this article reports a resturant owner who has now banned children under the age of 6 from entering his resturant.

AWESOME.

Naturally with these articles, I like to go directly to the comments section and see all the self-righteous parents prattling on about how they always go out to eat with their herd of offspring and neeeevvveerr have a problem. Correction breeders, you never percieve a problem. What parents arn't aware of is that they develop the ability to drown out every hideous shriek, yelp, and snot bubble kids produce during the course of dinner. While it may be background noise to parents, for those of us not retarded enough to drag out uber-young kids hours past their bed time, these sounds after dropping $50+ on dinner and wine is equivelent to the sound of my cat puking for a solid 3 minutes (i.e. the gross pumping sound).

The bottom line is this, it doesn't matter HOW well behaved your result-of-a-backseat-grope-session-and-broken-profilactic is, there are times and places for children to be. Ten at night in a resturant and ANY casino in Vegas are not acceptable places to have the little snots. You want family play time, go to f**king Disneyland, and let the rare few of us who have decided to reserve our adult freedom enjoy it in some piece and quiet.

And no, I don't think your kid is adorable or special in anyway.

Alway Cleaning Up

Ah the joys of leadership, not only worrying about fixing your own crap when it goes awry, but cleaning up after your subordinates when they mess up and your boss is looking.


They didn't talk about this in my military leadership classes.

The Justice System Just Made Me Ga-Vomit

So in a "shocking" twist, Casey Anthony was aquitted of murder charges.

I say "shocking", not because the defense did a sh*t job in defending, but rather for the fact that I'm not suprised (continually) by the collective stupidty of juries in this day in age. When the forefathers said a "jury of your peers", I think they underestimated how stupid people would become in the next couple hundred years.

The fact that the jury would allow the defenses "this? How about this? No? This" argument tactics just makes me ill. Okay, even if she was molested, what does that have to do with justifying murder?

Despite the fact that I wasn't physically in the courtroom to become nauseated by the defenses full arguements, the fact was there. This crazy b*tch knew of her own daughter's death, and failed to disclose the fact to authories? Foul play involved? Possibly not intended, but her actions killed her kid.

Juries are f**king stupid. They should be a professional panel of people that KNOW the system and evidentiary procedures. Not your average, knuckle dragging college drop out.

And once again, you have to ask yourself, if she was a guy, would she have been found guilty? Hmmm...

I swear to crap, if Amanda Knox wins her appeal, I will just implode with rage.