Why All Women Need Boots

fig. 1-1 For the record, patent leather isn't sexy. It's gross.

  So few people know that at a point in High School, I seriously debated going into the Army, and instead going into fashion design. By that point, I had several drawing pads of fashions sketched out, and was feeling somewhat confident I could make it in that industry. However, due to the fact that I'm not from another country (as most designers seem to be) and I'm not gay (which, come'on, we all know 99.99% of male designers are), I'd probably hit a glass ceiling at some point. So off to the Army I went! 

  With that background, and as Fall is upon us, I find it tragic that women everywhere arn't making the most of this season. And by that, I mean BOOTS! 

  Boots are a great fashion accessory for many reasons:

- They go with everything to include jeans, skirts, dresses, shorts (but be really careful with that lest you look like a streetwalker).

- They literally exude confidence! They can really add that extra oomph to any outfit.

- They have more variety, at least from what I've seen, then shoes. The basic rule of fashion is more fabric = more styles to work with.

Now obviously people have also not heard some of the unspoken rules of boots. First and foremost, if your boots have at least a 5" heel and platforms, you probably shouldn't be wearing those to work (as I've seen at my last job). Just wildly inappropriate because you're crossing into the CFM boot level, and from an HR standpoint...nope. Not appropriate.

Patent leather is never appropriate. Strippers wear that shit. And no, most guys don't want to see stripper-esque fashion on the street.

Boots should never have open toes. Never, never, never, never. That is just a gross fashion. Never!

Uggs are unacceptable at all times. Azurael has spoken.

Flat boots (aka the "Equestrian" look), as much as I loathe them, do have some function. But they also strike me as being a bit passive-aggressive in the function of the boot. Almost like the wearer doesn't really want to fully commit to the fashion, and that's just sad.

Look ladies, I'm sure most of you know that boots will instantly grab a mans attention. And if you weren't aware, yes, they damn near make us break our necks when you walk by. So just stick to these guidelines, and make the most of Fall for all of us! 

500th Post! BOOYAH.

fig. 1-1 Never thought I'd make it! 

So today is a twice magical day as it is indeed not only my 500th blog post, but also my birthday. It's been a long road to walk, but well worth, and my plans to continue that walk will be littered hopefully with another 500 blog posts about all sorts of rants and praises to everything from fat people to how awesome some shit is (mind you some, not alot).

Now, I am far from a materialistic person, but everyone always has those birthday wants on their special day...here are just a few of mine:

#1 - Amy Lee (Evanescence) & Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil) Do A Duet

As previously seen as being the two front runners on my Top 5 list, both of these female lead vocalists have AMAZING voices, and it would make my head (along with many, many other fans) explode if they were to partner up and do a duet. Not only would it be a song for the ages, it would also expose alot of fans to each others sound. Sooo, everyone wins! (And I wouldn't mind snuggling with both of them..just snuggling, and yes...at the same time)

#2 - Chicks in Latex & Boots At My House

 Now you're probably automatically thinking the most perverse thing possible, and no, not like that. I would simply want a crew like this to hang out at my house, possibly do some house work, maybe play Xbox a bit, chill with me over some Red Bull...and maybe, no, definitely take a shower with me (throw back to "Weird Science"). And yes, still in latex and boots. Okay, yeah, a little perverse. Mea Culpa.

#3 - Own A Jelly Bean Farm

 Yes, I am aware that jelly bean farms do not exist, but yet, I would love to own one. While I know zero about farming and I'm not honestly a fan of jelly beans, I think just being able to respond to "what do you do for a living" with "I'm a jelly bean farmer" would just beat out any other ice breaker at any and all parties!

#4 - Win A Gross Amount Of Money

Again, I will point out that I'm far from materialistic. However, it would be the best birthday present ever if I won a gross amount of money. I would immediately pay off my brothers student loans, send a chunk of money to my mother to live comfortably forever, then I would take the rest, buy my last employer, and shut their shit down in two seconds. Given, I would be shutting down some vital resources for individuals in need, but that's a small price to pay for the smiting.

#5 - Own The US Gymnastics Team

'Nuff said. I won't go into detail on that. 

  So as I close out the 500th blog entry, I want to thank my readers, both incidental and regular, for taking the time to read my crazy rants and opinions on everything ranging from stupid people to cheese. Read all you want, and I'll keep writing more. 

Why Miley Cyrus Is Not Okay By Any Standard....

fig. 1-1 No, I'm not gay. I just don't get a boner for nonsense like this....

  So everyone' been losing their mind over Miley Cyrus and the Internet universe is pretty split. Naturally there are people out there that think she's acting very untasteful, and think that her transition from a "teen" into an "adult" is a bit too shocking and a bit too rushed.

  Then there's the other side, who happens to be the embarrassing members of my gender who think it's awesome because they're fucked in the head, and apparently jack off to anything regardless of the class associated with it.

  Now typically I try to avoid pop culture in general, but occasionally, just like government, it just builds up in me and I gotta way in.

  Miley Cyrus honestly went from decently talented and attractive, to basically gross and looks like she's sticky to the touch among other things. She's gross. Just plain gross.

  Why is she gross you ask? For only one reason, because she is trying waaay to hard. And not like Madonna or other stars did. Madonna some how pulled it off with a sense of in your face decency (except for that nasty book she put out...blech). And when Britney Spears did it, yeah, she might have been in a skin colored one piece with a snake, but at least she wasn't licking everything under the sun, spanking midgets, and getting weird with a foam finger (which I'm thankful I'm not into sports, because I would never be able to look at those things again...blech).

   And seriously, what on God's green Earth is with her sticking out her tongue any time a camera is around. I get that she's going with some new persona, but good Lord it's gone from okay to just disturbing. Blech!

  Look, there's a not so fine line from being effortlessly-sexy, and just being a nasty, offensive to all five senses prostitute that can sing. Miley is the latter.

  What's worse is that, while she's following the same behavior that many other stars follow when they move from being a teen to an adult, she's going waaaaay too fast. She is on the way to imploding in some fashion, be it drugs, a negative PR event, musical failures...who knows....just calling it now.

  Again, I'm sure most men probably won't agree with this post, but unfortunately, they're the same kinda guys that need to beat off 5 times a day because they're just gross.

  Miley! Get on The Wheel!!!

Did No One Else Get This Memo?

  So a few weeks back, one of my subordinates told me she had emailed my bosses' boss about some issue involved with the workspace at our office. To which I asked "did you CC me? Did you CC my boss", which she had not. I then proceeded to explain to her the unwritten rules of email etiquette (not to mention common courtesy and chain of command) which include, if you're going to circumvent the chain of command via email with a very nonsensical question, you might want to CC those you are circumventing so they don't get blindsided by the recipient of the said email.

  She looked at me as though I was talking Greek and had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

  Sweet Moses. Now I will give her this, she's in her early 20's and has never actually worked in an office environment before, but it just terrified me that this idea hadn't even crossed her mind. I then began to question myself about what I take for granted in terms of experience based knowledge in the workplace?

  Thinking through all the office space etiquette and office norms I've learned over the years, this are a few that immediately come to mind:

- Unlike anywhere else, and as Guy Code dictates, if you fart in the office elevator, you never claim it.

- It is unacceptable to eat any one's food from the break room fridge, but for some reason, NOBODY else honors this rule. I mean seriously? How big of a shit-bird do you have to be that you purposefully chow down someone elses' lunch?

- If the Internet and/or email goes down, everyone is pretty much done for the day.

- Unlike the military, civilians think they can just tool on in to any meeting, regardless of who's running it 10-15 minutes late and think there isn't a problem at all with it.

- As above, civilians also think it's totally fine to dink around on their cell phones during a meeting.

- There is always that ONE co-worker that has worked for the organization since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, and for some reason SHE (because it's usually a she) is just adamantly against retiring and will work there until she dies faxing a TPS report.

- In advocating for the employee, most HR shops are about as useful as a shit flavored lollipop.

- Someone will always, for some reason, have a craving for popcorn at about 2pm, and will burn the ever living shit out of it in the break room microwave which in turn, stinks up the entire office.

- Any employee/new mom will always, at some point, find a reason to bring in her brand new kid to show off to literally everyone. IT, HR, Accounting, Me of all people...everyone. Never really figured out the reason.

- Too many working people have too many photos of too many personal things in their offices at all times.

- The mega-tools are the ones with not only too many photos, but also a screen saver slide show of their tooly vacations/weddings/camping/etc.etc.etc. excursions.

- Some female employee will almost always wear some type of shoe that sounds like you're setting off M-80's with each of her steps, regardless of whether the floor is carpeted or not.

- All workplaces have at least wildly inappropriate male employee, for various reasons.

- People who reek up the workplace at lunch with fast food are usually considered dicks right up there with the popcorn-burning-dick.

I could keep going but I won't. Wow, the more I go back and look at this list, I can definitely say that I have worked with a lot of ass hats in my small foyer into the civilian workforce (along with bits and pieces of the military). What I can say with some amount of confidence is that there are a lot of ass hats in workplaces everywhere, however, their type and style is apparently limited.

Maybe they requisition these types of idiots when they first start a company? Never-going-to-retire guy, burn-the-popcorn asshole, shoes-too-fucking-loud chica, etc.etc. I could almost see a checklist circulating somewhere....

Stop With The Hero Shit

fig. 1-1 Trying so hard to care....still don't.

 

 

  So at the risk of having to deal with politics, just like the piss poor of an excuse Lt. Watada, let's talk about Snowden.

 

  All sorts or people (read: stinky hippies, crazy-ass conspiracy theorists, and anti-vaccine wackos) are claiming that Snowden is a hero. For the basic fact that he disclosed certain government secrets that may or may not infringe on the rights of the American people.

 

  People who think this guy is some sort of a martyr need to get over themselves and get back to reality. In the grand scheme of things, yes, the government may be reading your emails via computer and looking into your records and whatnot, but seriously, who the fuck cares? If your life is as mundane as mine, yeah, the NSA might find out that I check my Facebook entirely too much, I send pictures of LOL cats to everyone I know, and yeah, I receive regular (however, old, and unwanted) porn website updates to stuff that would make your head explode. If they want to find out that I have a shell of a social life and watch porn on occasion, then so be it! I don't think the Men In Black are going to come busting down my door if I use the word "bomb" in an email.

 

  People that honestly think the government is going to take viable action against innocent citizens are the same kind that think that any kind of gun control will mean the government will come to your door and take the guns out of your hands. Fuck no they won't. The government is too busy stepping all over their cocks to even think about doing something like this.

 

  And furthermore, in the absolute worst case scenario in which the government did conduct an arrest based soley on an email for anything other than definitive terrorist plots or plans, wouldn't someone think to ask where they got the evidence which is required prior to a search/arrest warrant?

 

  To build on this, it's the same people that hate traffic cameras or even public security cameras on street corners because they "feel it infringes on their rights to privacy". Uh. no. It doesn't. Rule of privacy is anywhere you can reasonably rub one out and not be arrested for doing so in that location. That's privacy. The instant your foot hits the sidewalk, you belong to the public. Same rule as garbage. Once that shit hits the street, you have "relinquished control" of it, and all your nudie mags in it are fair game.

 

  Furthermore, once you send an email, or make a phone call, those signals, other than going through your IP service provider, are indirectly being sent into OUTER-FUCKING-SPACE. While I understand the idea behind "privacy on the Internet", the bottom line is, there is ZERO privacy on the Internet, and should be accepted as so.

 

 But again, all your boring emails, your Internet history, your cell phone calls, your texts, etc.etc.etc. The Government could give two shits about all of this. And for God's sake, it's not like there's a giant room full of people somewhere in the desert literally reading every email that gets sent. That's not how it works. Government ain't going to arrest you for an email, they aren't going to take your precious guns, and they don't give a shit about you sending a lol cat to a friend. Your life isn't that interesting, get over it.

 

  So back to Snowden. So he sent information about a Government program to Wikileaks, and suddenly he is elevated to "hero" status. What this spineless piece of shit did was not only violate his security clearance and the oath of confidentiality he took as a contractor, he also inadvertently (or advertently) shit on the Country by airing our dirty laundry to an International intelligence board. And at the very least, instead of doing the honorable thing and sticking around for his day in court, he stuck his tail between his legs, and went scurrying off to Russia where he lived in a fucking airport like a hobo. Yeah. That's real "hero" material there. At no point did this man exude any semblance of bravery in what he did. He didn't "whistle blow" to the proper channels, he didn't make a stand to face his day in court, and worst off, he sold out our bad shit to the International Community. He handing over intelligence just like Benedict Arnold did 200+ years ago, and ran away.

 

Yeah, real fucking hero. Anyone that idolizes this pile of crap needs to seriously rethink their definition of the word "hero".

At What Point Did Men Lose The Right To Choose?

Holy crap.

So I made the mistake of reading the news on my "lunch break" (I say that because I pretty much count Red Bull as "lunch") and ran across this story about embryos.

Basically in a nutshell, couple have eggs fertilized, break up, guy doesn't want a kid with the woman now (obviously), but the woman still wants a kid (weird...and that's sarcasm).

After reading further down, I came across this quote tying in other court decisions on the same topic:

"In a similar case, a Pennsylvania appeals court last year awarded frozen embryos to a woman who hoped to give birth over the objection of her ex-husband, who wanted the embryos destroyed. Like Dunston, the ex-wife was believed to be infertile due to cancer treatments. The decision upheld the trial court ruling that the ex-wife's desire to have biological children outweighed the ex-husband's disinterest in becoming a father."

Okay, after reading that, I'm going to highlight the part that should make not just men, but pretty much EVERYONE cringe (even though I know the baby-lovers out there won't)

"The decision upheld the trial court ruling that the ex-wife's desire to have biological children outweighed the ex-husband's disinterest in becoming a father."

You GOTTA be fucking kidding me. A woman's desire to have kids outweighed the fact that the man didn't want kids? So in a nutshell, this is basically backing the guy into a corner to forever be on the hook for child support, all because the woman MUST HAVE BABIES.

I don't fucking get this. At what point in society did men lose the ability to decide whether they wanted to become fathers or not? This ruling should be clear as day. If both parties are no longer consenting, you're fucking done! Case closed! The fact that the woman is decrying her biological clock ticking, and can't have babies after x y and z, it shouldn't matter a goddamn iota if the guy doesn't want kids. Women who MUST have kids because they have this weird sense of urgency disturb me a great deal. Woman who MUST have kids for the sheer reason they just want babies, and willfully go out and appropriate a "baby daddy" disturbs me even more.

I might even be so bold as this is almost a mirror of the current abortion debate. The government is taking away men's right to choose. Yeah, we got it, women do all the work, but until the fetus is actually in the woman, it belongs to BOTH parties. Now obviously that being said, I personally would never deposit my baby batter anywhere that I couldn't directly control it. Maybe a sperm bank that had containers that I could remote detonate if I change my mind would be good, I'd do that.

Bottom line is this. Guy doesn't or revokes his consent, dump the eggs OOOOORRR the guy becomes liability free from any and all future child support payments, etc.etc.etc.

As for the woman, if she just MUST HAVE biological children (so she can placate that certain mental illness with the need for something to love), then she can post an ad on Craigslist, I'm sure someone will hook her up.

FUCK.

Fall Is Here And I Forgot!

fig. 1-1 For long time readers, everyone knows Fall

means boot season! Woot!

  Been a while since a blogged, not for lack of trying, but rather just getting home and spacey from repairing the damage done by the person I replaced at my current job. With my experience in leadership, I never grow tired of hearing "well, so-and-so was a great person and they're going to be hard to replace", only to find out they typically did less than nothing, leaving me with filing cabinets full of ancient paperwork, and a bunch of focus-less staff working with me.

  That being said, I never can really bring myself to complain too much about having so much to do. Even though my focus tends to wane every once and a while when it comes to getting projects done, they still end up getting done among the chaos that typically ensues from a poor leadership climate. 

  Beyond all that, it's pretty much just been alot of work/home/game/eat/sleep/work/wash/rinse/repeat. Really need to get back to the gym more, but we'll see how that goes. 

  Baby steps!