Did No One Else Get This Memo?

  So a few weeks back, one of my subordinates told me she had emailed my bosses' boss about some issue involved with the workspace at our office. To which I asked "did you CC me? Did you CC my boss", which she had not. I then proceeded to explain to her the unwritten rules of email etiquette (not to mention common courtesy and chain of command) which include, if you're going to circumvent the chain of command via email with a very nonsensical question, you might want to CC those you are circumventing so they don't get blindsided by the recipient of the said email.

  She looked at me as though I was talking Greek and had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

  Sweet Moses. Now I will give her this, she's in her early 20's and has never actually worked in an office environment before, but it just terrified me that this idea hadn't even crossed her mind. I then began to question myself about what I take for granted in terms of experience based knowledge in the workplace?

  Thinking through all the office space etiquette and office norms I've learned over the years, this are a few that immediately come to mind:

- Unlike anywhere else, and as Guy Code dictates, if you fart in the office elevator, you never claim it.

- It is unacceptable to eat any one's food from the break room fridge, but for some reason, NOBODY else honors this rule. I mean seriously? How big of a shit-bird do you have to be that you purposefully chow down someone elses' lunch?

- If the Internet and/or email goes down, everyone is pretty much done for the day.

- Unlike the military, civilians think they can just tool on in to any meeting, regardless of who's running it 10-15 minutes late and think there isn't a problem at all with it.

- As above, civilians also think it's totally fine to dink around on their cell phones during a meeting.

- There is always that ONE co-worker that has worked for the organization since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, and for some reason SHE (because it's usually a she) is just adamantly against retiring and will work there until she dies faxing a TPS report.

- In advocating for the employee, most HR shops are about as useful as a shit flavored lollipop.

- Someone will always, for some reason, have a craving for popcorn at about 2pm, and will burn the ever living shit out of it in the break room microwave which in turn, stinks up the entire office.

- Any employee/new mom will always, at some point, find a reason to bring in her brand new kid to show off to literally everyone. IT, HR, Accounting, Me of all people...everyone. Never really figured out the reason.

- Too many working people have too many photos of too many personal things in their offices at all times.

- The mega-tools are the ones with not only too many photos, but also a screen saver slide show of their tooly vacations/weddings/camping/etc.etc.etc. excursions.

- Some female employee will almost always wear some type of shoe that sounds like you're setting off M-80's with each of her steps, regardless of whether the floor is carpeted or not.

- All workplaces have at least wildly inappropriate male employee, for various reasons.

- People who reek up the workplace at lunch with fast food are usually considered dicks right up there with the popcorn-burning-dick.

I could keep going but I won't. Wow, the more I go back and look at this list, I can definitely say that I have worked with a lot of ass hats in my small foyer into the civilian workforce (along with bits and pieces of the military). What I can say with some amount of confidence is that there are a lot of ass hats in workplaces everywhere, however, their type and style is apparently limited.

Maybe they requisition these types of idiots when they first start a company? Never-going-to-retire guy, burn-the-popcorn asshole, shoes-too-fucking-loud chica, etc.etc. I could almost see a checklist circulating somewhere....

Stop With The Hero Shit

fig. 1-1 Trying so hard to care....still don't.

 

 

  So at the risk of having to deal with politics, just like the piss poor of an excuse Lt. Watada, let's talk about Snowden.

 

  All sorts or people (read: stinky hippies, crazy-ass conspiracy theorists, and anti-vaccine wackos) are claiming that Snowden is a hero. For the basic fact that he disclosed certain government secrets that may or may not infringe on the rights of the American people.

 

  People who think this guy is some sort of a martyr need to get over themselves and get back to reality. In the grand scheme of things, yes, the government may be reading your emails via computer and looking into your records and whatnot, but seriously, who the fuck cares? If your life is as mundane as mine, yeah, the NSA might find out that I check my Facebook entirely too much, I send pictures of LOL cats to everyone I know, and yeah, I receive regular (however, old, and unwanted) porn website updates to stuff that would make your head explode. If they want to find out that I have a shell of a social life and watch porn on occasion, then so be it! I don't think the Men In Black are going to come busting down my door if I use the word "bomb" in an email.

 

  People that honestly think the government is going to take viable action against innocent citizens are the same kind that think that any kind of gun control will mean the government will come to your door and take the guns out of your hands. Fuck no they won't. The government is too busy stepping all over their cocks to even think about doing something like this.

 

  And furthermore, in the absolute worst case scenario in which the government did conduct an arrest based soley on an email for anything other than definitive terrorist plots or plans, wouldn't someone think to ask where they got the evidence which is required prior to a search/arrest warrant?

 

  To build on this, it's the same people that hate traffic cameras or even public security cameras on street corners because they "feel it infringes on their rights to privacy". Uh. no. It doesn't. Rule of privacy is anywhere you can reasonably rub one out and not be arrested for doing so in that location. That's privacy. The instant your foot hits the sidewalk, you belong to the public. Same rule as garbage. Once that shit hits the street, you have "relinquished control" of it, and all your nudie mags in it are fair game.

 

  Furthermore, once you send an email, or make a phone call, those signals, other than going through your IP service provider, are indirectly being sent into OUTER-FUCKING-SPACE. While I understand the idea behind "privacy on the Internet", the bottom line is, there is ZERO privacy on the Internet, and should be accepted as so.

 

 But again, all your boring emails, your Internet history, your cell phone calls, your texts, etc.etc.etc. The Government could give two shits about all of this. And for God's sake, it's not like there's a giant room full of people somewhere in the desert literally reading every email that gets sent. That's not how it works. Government ain't going to arrest you for an email, they aren't going to take your precious guns, and they don't give a shit about you sending a lol cat to a friend. Your life isn't that interesting, get over it.

 

  So back to Snowden. So he sent information about a Government program to Wikileaks, and suddenly he is elevated to "hero" status. What this spineless piece of shit did was not only violate his security clearance and the oath of confidentiality he took as a contractor, he also inadvertently (or advertently) shit on the Country by airing our dirty laundry to an International intelligence board. And at the very least, instead of doing the honorable thing and sticking around for his day in court, he stuck his tail between his legs, and went scurrying off to Russia where he lived in a fucking airport like a hobo. Yeah. That's real "hero" material there. At no point did this man exude any semblance of bravery in what he did. He didn't "whistle blow" to the proper channels, he didn't make a stand to face his day in court, and worst off, he sold out our bad shit to the International Community. He handing over intelligence just like Benedict Arnold did 200+ years ago, and ran away.

 

Yeah, real fucking hero. Anyone that idolizes this pile of crap needs to seriously rethink their definition of the word "hero".

Wait....What??

Voicemail: "Hey Azurael, it's about 3:20, and we had a meeting scheduled for 3pm and I was just curious to know where you were. Give me a call." "What? We didn't have a meeting today..." *checks calendar* "F*CK."