I was debating today whether to blog on this topic or something about bunches of chicks and how awesome they are over chicks who are solo. Call me insane, but hate got the better of me and I decided to rant about how much I hate babies.
Yes, I said it, I hate babies. I don't care whose baby it is, I hate
IT.
Now fair to say, my hatred of babies isn't spawned from what babies actually are, but more of societies view on them. Somehow, with each passing decade, it seems as though society as a whole is more focused on "the future generation" and less about the current living decade. And moreover, there is such social pressure to have children now, apparently "bastard" is no longer a bad thing to have. People are becoming obsessed with crapping these things out at such an alarming rate, they
basically allow it to possess their life.
I've born witness to many couples who end up having kids, and watch as their social lives die a very slow, hideous, torturous death at the hands of what is essentially an anchor in a diaper. No sleep, being covered in whiz/poop/vomit, constant crying, bills out the wazoo, and even the enormous battle damage they do to the woman's body upon birth just doesn't strike me as worth it. I value
my free time too much. I like being responsible for myself and myself alone. I like being able to eat crappy foods, leave the apartment whenever I want, beat off whenever I want, and play
Xbox until all hours of the night. Having a baby would not only retard my ability to do stuff I want but when I want.
And yes, I've heard the classic defenses: "it's different when they're yours" and "you're going to grow up lonely" and "who will carry on the family name" and finally, "you'd make a great father".
My answers are this in summation:
- Yes, it is different, because I can't hand them back to the parents when they drop a deuce in their diaper, or decide to cry for 10 hours at a time. I'm required, by law, to keep them safe and secure until they get unruly as a teenager and I can kick their a$$ out of my house.
- Grow up lonely? No. That's what women are for. Trust me, I can replicate what a baby might provide me the same with hookers and blow.
- Who will carry on the family name? My brother's kids. There's three of them now, that's all our lineage needs. Trust me, we're set for a few more generations. This all besides the LEGIONS of cousins I have living in Missouri. There's those guys too....
- I would make a great father? Let's do the math there glass-half-full. I drink about 4 energy drinks a day, I rarely floss, I sleep at least until noon every weekend morning, I drink like a fish, and I have a habit of letting my rage for the world explode out of me in hour long cuss
tyraids. I can barely care for myself, nonetheless care for a kid. Trust me, if I'm saying I wouldn't be a good father. Just nod and go along with it.
No, I don't think your baby is cute, so stop showing me pictures, and for f*
ck's sake, stop making it your
Facebook profile picture. When that happens, I tend to break my mouse finger deleting and blocking you from any further contact.
Furthermore, your babies are currently already ruining my world. I no longer enjoy a flight
anywhere without hearing your kid (yes, your kid makes noise...they are not an angel, you've just learned how to tune it out) babble and scream their head off. I can no longer go to a movie theater in peace (seriously, who the f**k brings a baby to a movie that is rated R and starts at 9 pm? Shouldn't that little bastard be in bed?). And I sure as hell cannot go to a
restaurant because
regardless of the upscale-
ness of the
restaurant, someone always has a fleet of children who act as though they've been given 10 shots of adrenaline and a coffee enema.
And the classic towards non-breeders that we're being "selfish" is just gay. Really?? I'M being selfish? You're the
inconsiderate f**
kwad who thinks having a kid is something to brag about, then expects "the village to raise a kid". No, I have absolutely no requirement in my life to suffer for
your kid. You should feel lucky enough that
every time your baby starts crying for hours and hours, typically in a business I've paid some sort of admission or service charge to be in, that I don't pick it up and punt it football style out of the nearest window. You've decided to be a parent, if you're going to be all high and mighty about it, then f**king act like it. Showing off pictures and prattling on about your thing a good parent does not make alone.
And finally, and most importantly, the state of being pregnant is by all means a hideous sight. Beyond looking like a
hippopotamus with a gland problem, the body is going insane trying to adapt to the fact that another human is being created. Hormones,
flatulence, mucus plugs...it's all just a hideous sight. I've heard many man say they've never been more turned on then when their wives were pregnant. My theory behind that f**king stupid statement is this: when their wives were not pregnant, they weren't putting out. After she became pregnant and subsequently horny, she starting putting out
alot...
thusly, guy associates pregnant with booty banquet. And the actual act of delivering a kids is even more hideous. TV shows fail to mention that you'll "pee, puke, poop and fart in a room full of complete strangers". Yes, I'm from the generation that saw the "Miracle of Birth" video, and I'm still scarred by it. Seeing a human explode out of the genitals of another human is something that, when you think about it, seems like something you'd watch in
Creepshow V.
I'm a sucker for a woman who knows how to play a violin. I am a HUGE sucker for four women that know how to play stringed instruments, and just happen to love to wear leather and heels.
I'm beginning to notice a theme here between strings and leather. Hmmm.
Ladies, the male mind tends to go a bit haywire when they see a woman dressed as though she's going to put you in alot of pain. And I can guarentee you his head will be close to exploding if there are four of you.
One gymnast, hot. A team of gymnasts? Call the fire department.
Double bonus here, foreign and all chicks. Notice how even the semi-homely one on the right appears to be somewhat more attractive? (Trust me, they look way better actually playing musical instruments)
Now, while not one of my personal cups of tea, most nerds I know dig heavy on the Slave Leia fantasy. I can't even imagine the protein stains involved should they talk the wrong turn at a Comic Con and walk into this photo shoot.
Chicks dressed up in anything abormal will pretty much light the fire under a guy. Yeah, we're pretty simple minded like that. Although it typically helps if said costuming is slutty in nature and made of the tightest fitting material known to man.
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