So A Straight Guy Has To Chime In Now Huh?

For those who have read this blog for a while, they would know that I go nutty for a woman in boots. I think nothing compliments most outfits better, and nothing helps a woman exude more power (for whatever reason) then a pair of boots. That being said, man has not made all pairs of boots the same. Below, I have outlined what is acceptable and not acceptable to wear in the boot world. Ladies, some of these boots, if you think are cute, you need to go ahead and drop off your fashion license because you're dead f**king wrong. Yeah, the "but they're comfortable" arguement only goes so far. Look, if you're wearing something designed to compliment your outfit, 10 to 1, not going to be comfortable. Let's get started:

Equestrian

Verdict: Uh, no. Flat boots are lazy and you might as well be a gay guy.

UGGs (Aka "They're comfortable")

Verdict: Hell no. Take that sh*t off your feet.

Expensive A$$ Designer Boots

Verdict: F*CK NO!.....EWWW!

Gladiator Sandal/Boot Hybrid

Verdict: Not terrible. Definately some summer/beach fashion to this noise.

Standard Knee High Boot Verdict: An absolute fashion staple for all wardrobes. Throw out your "equestrian" sh*t and get these.

Thigh High Boots

Verdict: Apparently my dreams have come true in that this was named the boot fashion for 2011, so fall will be just awesome.

Am I weird for being a straight guy and posting this? Maybe. But ask any guy, and they'll most likely agree. When it comes to boots, comfort shouldn't be the highest priority. If it is, well that means you probably value moonboots waaay more than a normal human should.

Wait....What??

Voicemail: "Hey Azurael, it's about 3:20, and we had a meeting scheduled for 3pm and I was just curious to know where you were. Give me a call." "What? We didn't have a meeting today..." *checks calendar* "F*CK."

Not For Account Of Time

Had an idea for a kick a$$ blog today, but got bit by the uber-busy-Monday bug so haven't really had a chance to string out the entry. Did see Sucker Punch on Saturday. Although the critics hated it (but then again, they also hated Star Wars), it was pretty good. Awesome sound track, hot chicks in crazy a$$ clothing, robots, ninjas, dragons, knights, and steampunk Nazis. I mean seriously? What else can one ask for??

Azurael Of Free Labour

The first of three interns started today at work. The idea of internships have always been a pretty sweet deal on both sides of the coin. On the intern side, you're picking up actual work experience and getting college credits for it at the same time. If you're really lucky, you might also get paid for it (however, not here). On the employer side, benefits come in the form of free (read: slave) labor. Bolstering workforce effectiveness with inexpensive, or in this case...free, labor always looks good. Plus additionally chalking it up to community relations is an added plus as well. That being said, it was a female coworker who remarked that our three female coworkers be required to wear gimp masks while at work. Wow. She said it, not me.

Women Do It Better....Uh, Mostly....

At the risk of sounding misogonistic, there are somethings women just cannot claim to be good at. Yes, I can hear alot of internet browsers going to another webpage, but I still hold this to be true. Per usual, I will present evidence in a bullet list:

• Frontline Combat - Seriously, pit me upagainst 95% of our female soldiers..guarenteed win.
• Boy Scout Leaders - Uhh....what's the first word? OH YEAH.
• Race Car Drivers - Danica Patrick, 'nuff said.
• Republicans - Something about attempting to shut down your own human rights just seems odd to me.
• (Most) Bosses - I've only ever had one female boss that was good, and while she was good, she was probably a bit too polite to tell me when I was screwing up.
• Gamers - I'm sorry ladies, unless you grew up an awkward 14 year old boy that had no friends and no one liked you, you just can't game like we do. In fact, I've never actually met a woman that knew more about games than I do.
• Perverted - I've heard plenty of women gush about how much they love sex, but you know what....there is no woman on this Earth that can hold a candle to a guy in terms of being more perverted. Now whether that ends up being bad? Whole different story.

Now with all this being said, there are many many many things that women typically do that often make guys look bad in the process:

• Superheros - Let's face it, short of a select few, most heroines and female villians are just really good at what they do (and look awesome in pretty much any costume - reference pic).
• Military Police - Every female soldier I had working under me were typically smarter, quicker, and waaaay more aggressive then most of my male soldiers.
• Seeming Perverted - Although women can't truely be more perverted, they can give a jaw dropping scene of seeming to be perverse. Most men would agree with me, any time a girl says something dirty, our brains stop functioning.
• Social Workers/Psychology - I will hand this over. Women seem to have a much stronger grasp on empathy then men do. I've dealt with a social worker before and she was just amazing!
• Nurses - Because guys shouldn't be nurses. I mean...come on. Really?

I'm sure there are quite a few I'm leaving out, and no, I'm not saying that men are superior to women. We definately suck at ALOT of aspects of life...but hey, I'm just sayin.

The Pants Serve No Purpose

After a solid weekend of drinking, I've decided to take a few days off to let my body recover. I'm also reminded that Mondays are especially unholy when hungover on wine...and the two bottles probably wasn't the best idea. Of course I also found out that people tend to be louder and more talkative when I'm hungover, which may or may not be a correlation.

It seems that I get to always do at least one thing unsavory when I'm hungover. Yesterday at the peak of my dizziness, nausea, and shakes, I had the fun job of firing a crappy employee. Now don't get me wrong, this guy was a slug and received more than this fair share of write-ups. It's rather the fact that when you know an employee is going to flip out when they get fired makes it a bit harder to plan for the obvious. The funny thing was, he tried to argue with me. At somepoint am I supposed to say "oh, well shoot....take back that whole 'firing' thing!" The phone call (yeah, I fired him over the phone...I'm not having him freakout at the workplace) with the typical "you'll hear from my lawyer...blah blah blah." Again, although a pisser as it were with a hangover (idle threats are not my favorite thing in the world), I'm not cooncerned at all. First and foremost, I've made lawers and people with doctorates look dumb, so I welcome the challenge. Second, I think any of my coworkers who took the stand would say "yep. He's a slug".

So in my fleeting moment of temporary sobriety, while I can feel my organs beginning to congeal from a soupy sledge, I might take this time to hit the gym fast and furious to do as much damage as I can. Also, I've begun taking Chantix again....so here comes the ever awe inspiring nausea again. W00T!

That's About Enough

Any consistant reader of this blog probably knows by now that I'm not a fan of the "breeders" of society. People that make it their mission in life to crap out as many children as human possibly, and beating their chests about how proud they are for...well...I guess doing what mankind has been doing since the dawn of time. No, congratulations are not in order, becoming pregnant is not an accomplishment. Finishing a marathon is an accomplishment. Getting a 4.0 on your report card is an accomplishment. Getting pregnant is not an accomplishment. Seriously. If it can be done by accident, something tells me it's not entirely praiseworthy. "Whoops! I got a perfect score on my biology test!"

Beyond my loathing of children, is my loathing of parents who think of themselves king/queen sh*t because they successfully had sex. Let me put the answers in very succinct terms:

• No, I don't care about how old your kid is.
• No, your kid is not cute.
• No, pregnancy is not beautiful at all. And for men who say they've never been more turned on by their wives until they were pregnant are probably men who weren't getting any sex from their wives until her hormones clicked on 6 weeks in to being pregnant.
• No, I don't intend to have kids of my own.
• No, I don't care if "it's different when they're my own".
• No, your kid doesn't have ADHD, he's just stupid.

Of course who am I to nay say this whole time. Lemme turn this ship around:

• Yes, I unfriended you on Facebook because you changed your profile picture to a close up face shot of your ugly offspring.
• Yes, I firmly believe that parents who don't have their children vaccinated are completely retarded.
• Yes, people should be required to get a license to breed. Kind of a bigger thing then driving a car right?
• Yes, I think breastfeeding is an abomination. And if you even get started on the whole "natural" arguement, I will take a sh*t right here on the ground in front of you. I mean it's natural right?
• Yes, you will pee, puke, poop, and fart in a room of complete strangers during childbirth (read: yeah, not a beautiful thing).
• Yes, were I ever stupid enough to knock someone up, my a$$ would be in the waiting room during delivery.

I've said it all too often, but the more I complain about it, the more I'm seeing a trend. This country is getting a bit too soft. Why? Probably because there is increasingly heavy focus placed on having kids, having a family, blah blah blah. So much to the point where now policies and legislation is becoming almost parent driven. Even the military provides for more benefits for the married and parents.

Not that I'm bitter, but yeah, you're kids look stupid.

Now You're Just Making Me Jealous....

fig. 1-1 The hottest picture ever.

Getting ready to spend the next two days doing alot of travelling for work. And while it's not flying, I still can't really be stoked about not being in my office, just thinking about how my inboxes will be overflowing with "job security" upon my return.

But at least one good thing? At least I'm not going to Iraq. I found in the two times I flew over and two times I flew back, that patience is something I apparently have limitless amounts of. Hours and hours on a single flight, waiting in Kuwait for what I can't even remember, and sitting on a tarmac for hours just waiting for a plane to arrive.

Iraq aside though, I really wish I could just have a job where I do work like George Jetson. Just go to my office everyday, not supervise anyone, make moderately good pay, and press a button every now and again. Provided I wouldn't want the a-hole boss that he did (Mr. Spacely?), but I would just want a job where I can do my work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. End of story. Suffice to say, no bloggity-blog for the next two days at least, as I will be enduring an unholy gauntlet of meetings and meet-and-greets. BLECH.

And as for the picture at the top, seriously, how the hell hot is that?? I'd like to know what lottery I need to win to be the bologna in an Amy Lee and Emilie Autumn sandwich???

Could Have Had A V-8

The last two days at work have been especially brutal. Not only for the fact of going through annual appraisals (both receiving my own, and passing out the ones to the staff), but also just a general level of unchecked f**kery at work. Several of the staff have been bonin' up left and right, which ultimately means it's up to me to write them up.

There are reasons I miss my old job working at a steak house during college (Bonanza). One of the biggest reasons is that I just had to show up, hermit it up in the kitchen for 8-12 hours, then go home. Didn't supervise anyone, didn't deal with customers...it was awesome. Unfortunately, I don't think I could live off the slave wages I was making then ($4.25 an hour...no seriously, that was minimum wage).

My education and experience have the unfortunate issue of screaming leadership despite the fact that sometimes I seriously don't enjoy it. Doing the HR thing was a bit better because HR personnel are considered "non-supervisory management". Which means you stilll get to corral behavior and pontificate policy, but you don't actually directly supervise anyone. But the downside of HR is that insurance just gets to be lame, and you get to deal with about 99.9% of your organizations drama.

In all honesty my dream job? Edit porn. It's a job I could do from home, enjoy some porn, get to be creative by putting in hopefully non-cheesy sound tracks, and most importantly, only supervise the finished product. That just got you thinkin' about porn too huh? Mission accomplished.

Pr0n is teh b3st.

I Need Some F**king Friends

Went out to a retirement dinner last night (gay) then to trivia night (awesome) with a bunch of coworkers from my last job when I was in HR.

That night pointed out some very marked differences between where I am currently in life, and why men my age tend to suck as friends. Dinner last night, everyone (except one) was older than me, all of them are married, and all they can talk about is kids, sports, and...well that's it.

I find this lame (and yes, if I haven't posted it somewhere, I f**king hate sports) because I might be 31, but that doesn't mean I'm going to mothball my Xbox and start beating off to investment prospectus. Does getting married and/or having kids really just make you immediately suck at life? Given, as with all of my observations, I do swing a pretty broad brush stroke, but seriously. I recently ditched a friend of mine (20 years about) because he couldn't make time to hang out with me at all on account of being married and/or having a kid (even though it didn't help that his wife had his balls firmly stored in a jar under the sink).

This was also true that apparently if you enter the Army as an Officer, you're pretty much required to be a complete douche and major in the art of talking about flipping houses and playing golf. One of the severe downsides after five years in was the fact that I felt like I was in a uniform organization that was secretly a frat house.

Trivia night last night, surround by people my age or younger, hootin' and hollering for more beer. Not talking about children, not talking about real estate market fluctuations, not talking about sports, nothing. It was limitless banter about a sort of random stuff and it was awesome.

Then after the hootin' and hollering was done, I went home and ate my sad Taco Bell alone on my couch in a drunken stupor. It seems as though I always work at places where I'm typically the young guy that isn't a$$ deep in marriage and surrounded by babies....which is good because I'd hate to have to kick my own a$$.