Home Owners Associations & COA's (Condo Owners Associations) vs. ME

 

    Ahhhh, HOA's, the one bane of existence I never had to deal with because I've rented my whole life. I live by the simple rule, if I pay the rent, don't throw grenades at my neighbors, and play rock guitar (which I don't) at 2 am in the morning on work day, then just leave me be. Pay my rent, utilities, and don't put a giant penis pinata outside my door, then we're good yes?

   Fast forward to my last place in Seattle.....

   I moved in with a guy who was renting a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom from a woman who was sub-leasing it.Turned out, it was a condo and not an honest to gosh apartment. So I was surrounded by "home owners" that owned their condos, and I was basically a squatter paying rent. Not being able to adult very good, I had to learn about living around "adults" super fucking quick. In all my living situations, I learned that if you keep quiet, don't cook stinky stuff, generally be a good neighbor, you're fine. NOT if you have a COA.

   HOA/COA's are essentially a pack of old people that have fuck all to do in their retirement, and you have to pay them to do fuck all to have "board meetings" and wander the neighborhood/condo complex to look for something to bitch about. Basically, you're paying to build Karens/Kens to give you shit about having a plant on your patio.

   Sooooo, upon moving into this Condo, it started it off quiet. Stuck inside, went to work, no biggie. One morning, I was heading to work and was taking the garbage out, and realized my car keys were still inside. "Ack, gotta get 'em". I was taking the trash to the dumpster via my car (the dumpster was 200 yards away from my front door.....) so I plopped the bag down outside my front door to run in and grab my keys. After a furious search, I found them plus $20 (WHOO!) in my jeans pocket and headed back out. As I popped out of my apartment, I got an ominous "notice" about placing my garbage in public hallways. I was in there for less than 5 minutes. No idea who left it, however, I did come to find out that people that owned condos there were issued these "notice" ticket books to hand out willy nilly. 

   Okay......it's on Donkey Kong, and my ass just brought the hammer......

   I had a patio which I'd go out and smoke on after work (I never smoke indoors, kinda gross). So I'd go out and have a cigarette before dinner. The neighbors to the immediate left of me had no issues, young couple, super nice, would wave on occasion. Now to my left and one story up, was the most passive aggressive bitch I've ever met. When I first moved in, she introduced herself, gave me basically her entire resume ending in dog training (uh....foreshadowing?) and gave me what I can only define of as a rape whistle. She asked if it was possible that everytime I go out on the patio to smoke, I blow this whistle so she knows to close her patio door..............I did it once, and threw the whistle off my patio. "HEY, I MIGHT BE GETTING RAPED! OR SMOKING A CIGARETTE!" She was the kind of retired person that had fuck all to do except stay home and open/close her patio door all day. At one point, she even put a high speed fan on her patio pointed at mine to "keep the smoke away". If I ever get that petty with old age where I need to focus on verbally pistol whipping others, please shoot me.

   Ahhh, then there was this elderly man (70ish?) who I nicknamed "Slow Shoe". My last year in Seattle I was working from home so I had plenty of breaks on my patio. I'd sit out there, watch the crows fly by, watch the groundskeeper use a leaf blower on plain asphalt, and this guy wander around. He always wore a hat, fluffy coat, nut hugger jeans (excuse me *BLLLLAAARRRRGGGG) and slippers. From his conversations I could hear, he was from the East Coast, I want to say Jersey? Anywho, he would magically come out of his apartment ever 30-45 minutes, and slowly (and I mean slow) walk around the entire apartment complex, and God help you if you ran into him because he would talk you to death. Watched it plenty of times. He'd snare someone and like people (oddly enough) in the East Coast think it's a badge of honor, he'd bring up how long he'd lived there *"I'VE LIVED HERE FOR EIGHT YEARS!" Great grandpa, I've lived here 6 months.......no one fucking cares.  

   Anywho, back to the topic at hand. After having the superintendent come up under my patio, sometimes with the president of the COA Board (oh no.......he brought "rank".....too bad they don't know I've had my ass chewed by a General in the Army) about curtains, plants on my patio, loud noises (roommates did that, not me), Halloween decorations, name it.....I had enough. After packing all of my crap in a moving truck, changing the locks, I'd saved up enough beer cans to line my patio waste high for all to see. :) That was severely against the COA rules, and couldn't care less. Didn't actually own the condo, and it'd give all the old, bored people something to shit their pants about. 

   I'm a giver. ;) And like my brothers chose too, if you find a dream house, but it falls under the 4th Reich of a Home Owners Association? FUCK THAT. My rent, my land, my rules. If I want to display a giant 20 foot inflatable dildo on my lawn for Christmas, no bullshit pile of old retirees that have nothing to do won't give me a "fine" for doing so....

COA's & HOA's across the US? You can gargle my nuts (and that's from the heart. ;) )

Time To Catch Up!

Fig. 1.1 My Brain Telling Me To Fire Up

    Ladies and gentlemen, it has been.....errrm.....8 years since my last significant post, and my apologies for that. The fire died a bit so other things came up in the process. My last post was when I got poop-canned from running a Veterinary Hospital, and things did go South (for a while) but things ended up on the level so can't complain right? 

   To boil it down, I took on a few odd jobs in Seattle and a huge job there as well as a Superintendent of a Cemetery (don't worry, more stories to come about that!). In 2018, I returned to my hometown in Idaho (more stories about that too), Since then, it's still a bit of a culture shock from going from basically a fake LA to a small town. Many things are different here in the small town, such as:

• Traffic isn't complete shite here v. Seattle. At my last job in Seattle, most of my commutes would take over an hour to go 7 miles.
• People in this town are kind, courteous, and wave at you when you pass by. This is a complete 180 against Seattle where people would sooner step over your dead body rather than shake your hand. Example:
• Idaho: After moving here right before winter, I was driving to a client's house on a rough farm road. I slid off into a shallow ditch (which I could get out of easy peasy). No sooner did this happen did I see a truck behind me in my rearview mirror with two huge guys hopping out with the obvious intent to push me out of the ditch. I managed to pull out of the ditch and waved at them and they waved back and drove off.
• Seattle: I drove by an active murder scene on the way to work.....dead body in the road and everything.
• Cost of living here is a BUTT TON cheaper than Seattle. Food, living, medical care (which I'll ultimately end up talking about) etc. I have no idea why people love that city so much. Again, it's becoming a shadow of LA. When I left Seattle in 2018, I was paying $1500+ for a 2 bedroom apartment. It was actually a condo I leased from the owners which was hell on Earth, (that will be covered too....). 
• Employment in Seattle is impossible.....end of story. If you don't have a background in IT or desire to slog for minimum wage at Amazon, you're pretty much doomed. With the addition of new "application software" where you have to rebuild your resume for the recruiters benefit, which might ultimately kick you out of the running because you didn't use the right keyword, you'll never see someone face to face which is how I prefer it. HR Pro-Tip: Use Craigslist or Indeed. That will get your resume in front of people vs. Monster (BLECH), ZipRecruiter, etc. Within a week of getting to Idaho, I found work. Met the hiring person for about 10 minutes and blooop, got the job on the spot. 

   Suffice to say, I'm getting the burn to get back into blogging. I'm even thinking of starting to post some videos but I think I write better than I speak, but that will remain to be seen. Alot has happened over the last 8+ years and I have alot of catching up to do. 😉 So if you find yourself bored, why not hop on here and read some thoughts about what I put out there. Agree? Disagree? Just post a comment! Looking at my list of ideas to write about, I'll be writing about all to include and more:

• TV Commercials & Ads during the Pandemic
• Anti-vax & Anti-Mask (yep.....sorry, that meteor is coming)
• Horrible Bosses (not the movie, the ones I've had ANNNND HR Pro-Tip on how to deal with them)
• Returning to a part time cooking life at night on top of a daytime job
• Caregiving
• Medical fun (and by "fun", I mean I'd rather shit in my hands and clap)
• Moving
• Condo life
• The Seven Sins (aka. Seattle)
• and more....

   So more to come! It feels great to catch up with all the amount of stuff and what's going on. And have no fear, over the time, I'm still as cynical as ever, but, I feel like it's a bit more easy to digest now. 

   

   In summation, I hope everyone is doing well. Keep an eye out for updates which might come daily o every other day. If anything, if you can get a smile or a chuckle from my posts, then my work is done!

   Oh.....and Fuck Seattle.

        

Found It!

 Oooooooh.....kiss!

Karma's Boomerang

fig. 1-1 Yep....

Well kids, I'm back. I've been gone a long time. Just got fired again...today, after a co-worker I trusted with alot of secrets just turned me over to HR. 

 Very humbling to say the least...just remember to keep your secrets quiet.

The Wheel's Going To Get Alot Faster

fig. 1-1 Gross.....

  I'm not exactly sure what triggered this rant. Maybe because I haven't been on an actual date in ages, or maybe because all of my friends are married and no longer have ownership of their balls. What I DO know is that sappy, lovey dovey relationships is shit that needs to remain in High School. With a national divorce rate of 50%, I'm pretty sure that marrying out of "love" and without a firm basis of friendship is what's screwing people over left and right.

  I've been pondering about men, women, and couples, and what pisses me off the most to hear, and while I can't exactly lump them into any current theme, I have come up with this.

   You fail miserably at life if:

- You're married and you refer to your wife as "wifey".

- You're married and you refer to your husband as "hubby".

- Regardless of sexual orientation, you refer to your significant other as "partner". (Seriously, you're in a relationship, not a dance competition....)

- Anyone that refers to A baby as just "baby". As in, "this formula is safe for baby's tummy".

- For that matter, if you use the term tummy...anytime. Fuck that's weird.

- You use baby talk. Ever. Pets. Children. EVER.

- You have a wedding photo somewhere in your house of you sticking your tongues down each other's throats at the alter.

- You have a picture of both of your hands together to show off your engagement/wedding rings.

- You post sonogram photos ANYWHERE. (It looks like Doppler Radar, and nobody cares)

- You post pictures of a pregnant stomach anywhere (like it's the first time it's happened in the history of humanity)

- You have a post-birth picture of either of you kissing a baby's head. 

- You have any post-birth pictures (i.e. someone in a hospital gown doing something with a baby).

- You seriously done fucked up if you have a video of your live birth. (No, it's not a miracle. No, it's not beautiful. It's gross.)

- You think pregnant women are sexy. (Which I still contend men say only because they probably get more nookie from their frigid wives because during this time their hormones are off the charts).

- You're militantly against childhood vaccinations.

- You're militantly against spanking.

- You're militantly for breastfeeding, and believe it's okay to do in public. (The "its natural" arguement doesn't work. Under that logic, I'm free and able to take a massive dump in the middle of the park in daylight).

- You post anything on Facebook reference to your Anniversary with something to matter of "On this day last (x) years, I met the love of my life and argle bargle bargle!" (Again, nobody gives two shits...remember? 50%?)

- You have a destination wedding to the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt.

Okay, I could keep going, but I'll stop for now. That list should be sufficient enough to piss off enough couples. Good gravy, being single doesn't suck some times.

Even In Death I Still Serve....

   So occasionally when I'm not getting spammed by bots who want to sell viagra, real estate, or God knows what else, I get comments remarking how "angry" I am.

   Well kids, that's who I am, I'm an angry man.

   While I may or may have not blogged it, I've been in counseling off and on for about four years now. Very, very recently (i.e. two weeks ago), I got hit by the bomb that no one is ever really excited to get. I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

   What does that mean? For those of you not familiar with the DSM-IV, it's basically extreme mood shifts marked with self-destructive behavior and "chaotic productive" behavior.

   After getting the bomb dropped on me, having a cigarette, and feeling like I was going to throw up, I thought about it. "Hmmm, my girlfriend while I was a Jr. In College was right...shit...".

   So yeah, am I an angry person? Yep. Am I in need of therapy? Clearly. Because when I lose my shit, typically people tend to be a bit terrified and say "you need therapy".

   Does that make my rants wrong? No fucking way. Not like I'm undereducated or anything. Even with my low grade insanity, I'm still exponentially smarter than Honey Boo-Boo, but yet I'm still curious to know why so many people put stock into what she has to say.

Heavy Is The Neck That Wears The Lanyard

fig. 1-1 My office chair does not look like this....

  It seems like most jobs I've had, it turns out that I usually end up being the one who needs to ferret out corruption within the ranks.

  I know, I know, it's not like I'm a knight in some giant army in the dark ages. I got that. I'm actually just some upper level manager that works at a normal non-profit.

   But what does bug me, is that usually wherever I end up working there's always a handful of staff that work to subvert the rules and do what they want to do. Anywhere from stealing to simply just being shitty supervisors, because apparently they never figure anyone is ever paying attention.

  Well guess what chumps. One of my professional radish-snappers is people that refuse to play by the rules (aka policies) and decide to make the workplace their personal play space.

  Last week I launched an Inquisition-level investigation into a really shady supervisor, and as the result, found out that there's a ring of employees that are engaging in all sorts unethical goodness. So this up coming week, I get to polish up my "you're so fired" skills and get to see if I'll remain undefeated in denying people unemployment.

  Yaaaaaayyy?? 

Why All Women Need Boots

fig. 1-1 For the record, patent leather isn't sexy. It's gross.

  So few people know that at a point in High School, I seriously debated going into the Army, and instead going into fashion design. By that point, I had several drawing pads of fashions sketched out, and was feeling somewhat confident I could make it in that industry. However, due to the fact that I'm not from another country (as most designers seem to be) and I'm not gay (which, come'on, we all know 99.99% of male designers are), I'd probably hit a glass ceiling at some point. So off to the Army I went! 

  With that background, and as Fall is upon us, I find it tragic that women everywhere arn't making the most of this season. And by that, I mean BOOTS! 

  Boots are a great fashion accessory for many reasons:

- They go with everything to include jeans, skirts, dresses, shorts (but be really careful with that lest you look like a streetwalker).

- They literally exude confidence! They can really add that extra oomph to any outfit.

- They have more variety, at least from what I've seen, then shoes. The basic rule of fashion is more fabric = more styles to work with.

Now obviously people have also not heard some of the unspoken rules of boots. First and foremost, if your boots have at least a 5" heel and platforms, you probably shouldn't be wearing those to work (as I've seen at my last job). Just wildly inappropriate because you're crossing into the CFM boot level, and from an HR standpoint...nope. Not appropriate.

Patent leather is never appropriate. Strippers wear that shit. And no, most guys don't want to see stripper-esque fashion on the street.

Boots should never have open toes. Never, never, never, never. That is just a gross fashion. Never!

Uggs are unacceptable at all times. Azurael has spoken.

Flat boots (aka the "Equestrian" look), as much as I loathe them, do have some function. But they also strike me as being a bit passive-aggressive in the function of the boot. Almost like the wearer doesn't really want to fully commit to the fashion, and that's just sad.

Look ladies, I'm sure most of you know that boots will instantly grab a mans attention. And if you weren't aware, yes, they damn near make us break our necks when you walk by. So just stick to these guidelines, and make the most of Fall for all of us! 

500th Post! BOOYAH.

fig. 1-1 Never thought I'd make it! 

So today is a twice magical day as it is indeed not only my 500th blog post, but also my birthday. It's been a long road to walk, but well worth, and my plans to continue that walk will be littered hopefully with another 500 blog posts about all sorts of rants and praises to everything from fat people to how awesome some shit is (mind you some, not alot).

Now, I am far from a materialistic person, but everyone always has those birthday wants on their special day...here are just a few of mine:

#1 - Amy Lee (Evanescence) & Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil) Do A Duet

As previously seen as being the two front runners on my Top 5 list, both of these female lead vocalists have AMAZING voices, and it would make my head (along with many, many other fans) explode if they were to partner up and do a duet. Not only would it be a song for the ages, it would also expose alot of fans to each others sound. Sooo, everyone wins! (And I wouldn't mind snuggling with both of them..just snuggling, and yes...at the same time)

#2 - Chicks in Latex & Boots At My House

 Now you're probably automatically thinking the most perverse thing possible, and no, not like that. I would simply want a crew like this to hang out at my house, possibly do some house work, maybe play Xbox a bit, chill with me over some Red Bull...and maybe, no, definitely take a shower with me (throw back to "Weird Science"). And yes, still in latex and boots. Okay, yeah, a little perverse. Mea Culpa.

#3 - Own A Jelly Bean Farm

 Yes, I am aware that jelly bean farms do not exist, but yet, I would love to own one. While I know zero about farming and I'm not honestly a fan of jelly beans, I think just being able to respond to "what do you do for a living" with "I'm a jelly bean farmer" would just beat out any other ice breaker at any and all parties!

#4 - Win A Gross Amount Of Money

Again, I will point out that I'm far from materialistic. However, it would be the best birthday present ever if I won a gross amount of money. I would immediately pay off my brothers student loans, send a chunk of money to my mother to live comfortably forever, then I would take the rest, buy my last employer, and shut their shit down in two seconds. Given, I would be shutting down some vital resources for individuals in need, but that's a small price to pay for the smiting.

#5 - Own The US Gymnastics Team

'Nuff said. I won't go into detail on that. 

  So as I close out the 500th blog entry, I want to thank my readers, both incidental and regular, for taking the time to read my crazy rants and opinions on everything ranging from stupid people to cheese. Read all you want, and I'll keep writing more. 

Why Miley Cyrus Is Not Okay By Any Standard....

fig. 1-1 No, I'm not gay. I just don't get a boner for nonsense like this....

  So everyone' been losing their mind over Miley Cyrus and the Internet universe is pretty split. Naturally there are people out there that think she's acting very untasteful, and think that her transition from a "teen" into an "adult" is a bit too shocking and a bit too rushed.

  Then there's the other side, who happens to be the embarrassing members of my gender who think it's awesome because they're fucked in the head, and apparently jack off to anything regardless of the class associated with it.

  Now typically I try to avoid pop culture in general, but occasionally, just like government, it just builds up in me and I gotta way in.

  Miley Cyrus honestly went from decently talented and attractive, to basically gross and looks like she's sticky to the touch among other things. She's gross. Just plain gross.

  Why is she gross you ask? For only one reason, because she is trying waaay to hard. And not like Madonna or other stars did. Madonna some how pulled it off with a sense of in your face decency (except for that nasty book she put out...blech). And when Britney Spears did it, yeah, she might have been in a skin colored one piece with a snake, but at least she wasn't licking everything under the sun, spanking midgets, and getting weird with a foam finger (which I'm thankful I'm not into sports, because I would never be able to look at those things again...blech).

   And seriously, what on God's green Earth is with her sticking out her tongue any time a camera is around. I get that she's going with some new persona, but good Lord it's gone from okay to just disturbing. Blech!

  Look, there's a not so fine line from being effortlessly-sexy, and just being a nasty, offensive to all five senses prostitute that can sing. Miley is the latter.

  What's worse is that, while she's following the same behavior that many other stars follow when they move from being a teen to an adult, she's going waaaaay too fast. She is on the way to imploding in some fashion, be it drugs, a negative PR event, musical failures...who knows....just calling it now.

  Again, I'm sure most men probably won't agree with this post, but unfortunately, they're the same kinda guys that need to beat off 5 times a day because they're just gross.

  Miley! Get on The Wheel!!!