Wow, Garfield Was Right

Classic Monday at work. A wee bit hungover from the weekend, weekend not long enough, and everyone's got enough gripes to give me an ulcer. Buggering things today:

1) Why is my alarm clock radio always not on a station, and constantly plays static?
2) I have bleach resistant mold in my bathroom.
3) Hot girl in boots seen on the way to work. Yes, the "holy-crap-she's-so-hot-I'm-angry-hot."
4) No parking at work, awesome.
5) Started with 10 emails at 730 this morning. Really? From over the weekend? Who the hell sent me emails over the weekend?
6) Angry email from supervisor.
7) Angry email from other supervisor.
8) More complaints from subordinates.
9) Realization I haven't watched enough fetish porn this weekend.
10) Sandwiches from Safeway suck. Too dry, meat has a weird texture, and $2.50? Really?
11) Energy drink kicks in three hours late.
12) Suddenly strangly quiet at work.....that can't be good.
13) Time to blog!!

You know, it's weird, going to therapy, I figured my mood would become more optimistic over time. I guess when you're hungover and tired, tends to wear on you anyway.

Awesome.

It's Too Early For This Sh*t

Went out with some coworkers last night with the intent of having a few beers and calling it an early evening. That didn't happen however. I'm slowly learning that once you begin making your way home, it's best to go home. After we all left the bar, one of my coworkers suckered me into going to another bar and drinking for a couple more hours, which is fine an dandy, but he has the day off, and I'm hungover as hell at work.

I don't get the typical hangovers like most people do. Alot of people get severe headaches, nausea, stomach cramps, etc.etc.etc. Not me, I essentially stay drunk. Right now, the only complaint I have is having what would amount to a massive case of medicine head. Plus, I have the wonderful side effect of getting crazy horny when I'm hungover. So not only do I look like crap, I'm sporting a mega-chub at the same time. Gross.

I've been researching (instead of working) hangover cures on the internet. Alot of schools of thought about how to accelerate the healing process. The general concensus seems to be sleep, water, vitamin and mineral intake (i.e. pickles and fish), electrolyte intake, and sometimes even hair of the dog (i.e. gin and tabasco....gross). I'm getting ready to go to the store on my lunch break, and am going to buy a couple of hard boiled eggs, a big ass pickle, and some juice. We'll see how this goes.

I Still Never Use That Stuff

Today was financials day, in which I get the wonderous opportunity of looking at my organizations income and expenses for the previous month.

Based on this information, I must then turn around and explain and major spikes in expenses, as well as try to predict (or what they call "forecast") the income and expenses for the next 4 months.

They didn't plan this well. Math has been my worst subject since 5th grade. In fact, the only class I came within a hair of receiving a D in (f**k you Geometry). The instant letters or formulas hop into math is when I immediately check out in the mental area.

And I manage a 2.5 million dollar budget. Hmmm.

"Now That is A Pretty Sweet Earth...ROUND"

Being part of an "eco friendly" think tank at work, I've spent the last two hours attempting to find recycling laws for the State of Washington.

My research has apparently revealed that there are no discernable laws, and everyone recycles because they're a bunch of smelly hippies with nothing better to do with their lives.

Do I recycle now that I live in Washington? Yes I do. The only reason is I now have the freedom to throw all my recyclables into one giant bin and done, I've just saved a tiny bit of the planet. However, recycling when it comes to living in Idaho boils down to living in the stone age of solid waste management. Metals must be in a separate container from glass (which is further sorted into clear, green, and brown glass). Newspapers and/or magazines must be stacked and bound with twine.

Yep, I'll say it again, twine.

Really? What average college kid is going to keep a roll of twine in their shanty apartment? F**k you Idaho, I'm just throwin' everything in the garbage because of that pretentious move.

Too Epic For Me

After a week of battling, my cold is finally beginning to subside. Now only massive head congestion and occasionally needing to blow my nose remains...I should probably cut down on smoking while I'm sick (or overall in general).

Had to speak on workplace ethics today during a staff meeting. One of those futile topics that you learn that you can literally beat people about the head and shoulders with, but still, if people are going to screw up, it's just going in one ear and out the other.

Slept with my contacts in last night, that's always fun in the morning as I'm staggering around with my eyes swollen so bad I look like a mole person freshly up from the ground.

Might potentially go to the community ASL Night at the gay bar tonight. Not that I don't enjoy being the only straight guy at a gay bar, but I don't. So yeah....there's that.

Been seeing a shrink now for about a month. Waaaaay better than my previous shrink as he's less zen and more of "if you keep doing this, you're gonna die." It also helps that he has a doctorate in his profession, and not a glorified Master's degree. Detroit.

Been chronically missing my college job as a cook at a steakhouse to the point that I fantasize about winning the lottery, and spending a huge chunk of cash rebuilding to the inch the place I worked at. Only instead of staffing it with college kids, it'd be nothing but hot chicks. Kinda like Hooters, only I'd be sure not to get the dumb ones, and shorts would be strictly off limits around food.

A movie about Thor? Really? And who the f**k in Hollywood thought it's okay to redo Conan. So help me if there is ONE explosion in that, I will just lose it and burn the rest of California to the ground.

I think three giant Monster energy drinks a day will ultimately be bad for me. I think it's about time I switch back to coffee for a while.

Actually ran at the gym for the first time in many moons yesterday at the gym. Surprisingly I'm not that sore, and I didn't lose all that much speed. That being said, I was reminded all too much about how much I loathe people that walk on treadmills for 20 to 30 minutes at a pop.

Wow, I am caffeinated.

"I AM Speed Muthaf**ka!"

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've posted. Unfortunately, work has been gobbling up most of my time to the point where I barely have enough time to crap nonetheless do the important stuff (read: game, blog, drink).

Per my usual manner, I like to do summations in bulleted format, what:

- Had a terrific leg workout with my personal trainer, followed by a horrific two days where my calves were so tight I couldn't touch my heels to the ground.

- Went to Florida this last weekend for a work conference. The good thing was now I can say I've actually been to Florida instead of just going through the airport. The bad thing is I now know I should never drink with anyone from England or Switzerland. (And they can probably say the samething about Americans) I haven't been thrown out of a bar since college.

- I've now decided to develop my own Murtough list. If you're not sure what it is, look is up (i.e. "I'm too old for that sh*t!!)

- Returned from Florida with my typical end-of-winter cold that results in missing a day of work due to what I call "Niagra Nose" in which I have a constant downpour of what appears to be water from my nose. I now know I can produce enough mucus to burn through two rolls of toilet paper in the nose-blowing process.

- Upon returning from Florida Sunday night, I heard the news that a certain terrorist leader is dead. Enter dance of joy, and an unexpected jealousness of being a Navy Seal. (Hey...I'm an Army guy, don't do air and don't do water.)

- Preparing to declare an all out war on my body through essentially living at the gym....once my sinuses decide to stop being defiant of me.

- In the process of losing 4 days at the office, I found myself somewhat behind the power curve. Then I discovered that a mixture of Sudafed and Monster Energy drinks have a similar effect to Ritalin. I got ALOT of sh*t done today, all the while time seemed to be crawling along.

- Haven't really sat down and watched some awesome kinky porn in a while, so that's in the "fun que" for the time being.

Back to time travel! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

The Army Of Me

Caveat: I would have posted Bjork's "Army of Me" video, but that hot mess was waaaaaay too weird for even me.

While I have absolutely no claim to state that I have multiple personality disorder, I do like to think of my being as being made up of many different consciousnesses. Alot of people that know me would describe my behavior and who I am as an "enigma". While I'm still trying to decide whether this is a good thing or not is still up in the air, I do take comfort in knowing I can really go many directions at any given time.

The following is Azurael in a nutshell:

My Inner Child

This little bastard I began to ignore years before even getting into High School. Always trying to act more mature then I should have, I eventually realized that I'm past the age of having fun in which I should have been having fun. Given he pops up now and again (typically after a few redbulls), most of the time, he usually just sits quietly in a corner.

My Absurd Kinky One

This feisty minx has a tendency to pop up at alllllll the wrong times. I'm not sure why or where it came from, but since I can remember, I've always been partial to the very exciting, and sometimes very wrong, twist on the act of "loooove making". Although not everything I've done I'm proud of, I do take pride in having her with me...because this way nobody can EVER accuse me of being some vanilla-a$$ed prude.

My Seether

This angry mo-fo popped up around puberty and he has been a sonafabitch since day one. He's made me do everything from start fights I knew I couldn't win to cut myself up worse then a GI Joe in a lawn mower. He has been reliable in the fact that when you can be as angry as this, there's really not much alot of people can really do to ruin your day.

My Drag Queen (aka "Virginity Steele")

She popped up around High School, when I didn't really have alot of friends. Despite my large hatred of many different subcultures, the gay community of my hometown actually turned out to be my biggest ally through some very harsh times in my High School and College years. While she's pretty much gone, I'm still kinda proud to have lived this life.

The Soldier (Caveat: "Old Army")

Since I could remember, I was always hell bent on being in the Military Police Corp. I grew up regaled with stories of the Army my parent experienced. The amount of honor, pride, and professionalism incorporated into the art of defending the country. This guy ensured I made it through life all the way through college and didn't mess up enough to lose my chance. Well, by the time I got to the Army, I realized I was surrounded by a bunch of knuckle dragging frat boys that were pretty much only interested in beer, real estate, and golf. And those rules about f**king Enlisted Soldiers? Well, they pretty much all paid no mind to them. All I know is that my father's Army was the Army I wanted to be in, not the current day nambi-pambi family lovin' douche fest it is now.

The Logic

In pretty much every job I've been in, I've been accused of seeing everything in "black and white". Typically because I've been in leadership positions, and in the process of enforcing policy and procedures, there really is no color. And ESPECIALLY in law enforcement. I rely heavily on logic and black and white even to this day.

The Gamer

While I consider myself far from being a bonafide nerd or geek, it is VERY safe to say I am a heavily addicted gamer. First person shooters being my weapon of choice, I'm pretty sure I'll be playing games until I can't hold a controller up with my own two hands. Then I'll learn how to operate the bumpers and the d-pad on an Xbox controller with my feet.

The Romantic

I locked this b***h away along time ago in a closet. I've learned that too much romance towards a woman can quickly backfire because they tend to expect it waaay to much. Oh, and the fact that after I got back from Iraq, I found the girl I had been in a relationship with, and was wooing from the other side of the Earth was f*cking another soldier. Yeah, not my fault.

The Poet

While closely related to The Romantic, this guy still comes out of hiding occasionally to let fly with creativity. He cropped up in the beginning Junior High with a crappy poem for school, and has from that point romanced girls, expressed hidden emotions, and has disturbed more than a few family members and friends.

The Self Destructor

This guy pops up when I really don't need him too. Fortunately I have either an unholy amount of dumb luck, or a legion of guardian angels that are on a 24 hour cycle to watch over my somewhat stupid a$$. Everything from falling out of windows to having a gin chugging contest with someone alot larger than me, this guy needs to just go away and not come back.

My Insanity

Extremely prone to popping up during episodes of little sleep and/or too much caffeine, this guy goes pretty damn wild when I least expect it. His friends are typically The Self Destructor and My Ubsurd Kinky One. He acts more as an inspirational force of nature over an actual stand alone influence itself.

Rage

This is last on the list because he's not one to crop up hardly at all. Usually when I get amped up to the point I can't stand stupidity, my radish snaps and I tend to unload. While not typically in a physical sense, I have unleashed some verbal barrages sharp enough to make grown men cry.

So A Straight Guy Has To Chime In Now Huh?

For those who have read this blog for a while, they would know that I go nutty for a woman in boots. I think nothing compliments most outfits better, and nothing helps a woman exude more power (for whatever reason) then a pair of boots. That being said, man has not made all pairs of boots the same. Below, I have outlined what is acceptable and not acceptable to wear in the boot world. Ladies, some of these boots, if you think are cute, you need to go ahead and drop off your fashion license because you're dead f**king wrong. Yeah, the "but they're comfortable" arguement only goes so far. Look, if you're wearing something designed to compliment your outfit, 10 to 1, not going to be comfortable. Let's get started:

Equestrian

Verdict: Uh, no. Flat boots are lazy and you might as well be a gay guy.

UGGs (Aka "They're comfortable")

Verdict: Hell no. Take that sh*t off your feet.

Expensive A$$ Designer Boots

Verdict: F*CK NO!.....EWWW!

Gladiator Sandal/Boot Hybrid

Verdict: Not terrible. Definately some summer/beach fashion to this noise.

Standard Knee High Boot Verdict: An absolute fashion staple for all wardrobes. Throw out your "equestrian" sh*t and get these.

Thigh High Boots

Verdict: Apparently my dreams have come true in that this was named the boot fashion for 2011, so fall will be just awesome.

Am I weird for being a straight guy and posting this? Maybe. But ask any guy, and they'll most likely agree. When it comes to boots, comfort shouldn't be the highest priority. If it is, well that means you probably value moonboots waaay more than a normal human should.

Wait....What??

Voicemail: "Hey Azurael, it's about 3:20, and we had a meeting scheduled for 3pm and I was just curious to know where you were. Give me a call." "What? We didn't have a meeting today..." *checks calendar* "F*CK."

Not For Account Of Time

Had an idea for a kick a$$ blog today, but got bit by the uber-busy-Monday bug so haven't really had a chance to string out the entry. Did see Sucker Punch on Saturday. Although the critics hated it (but then again, they also hated Star Wars), it was pretty good. Awesome sound track, hot chicks in crazy a$$ clothing, robots, ninjas, dragons, knights, and steampunk Nazis. I mean seriously? What else can one ask for??