The Redbull! It Does Nothing!!

My entired body except for my chest hurts from a rampage of gym visits, long days at work, and less then desirable cuisines of brautwursts for dinner every night.

Attempted cure? More energy drinks, go to the gym and work on my chest, and try not to go to bed too early.

Weirdest thing, any time I go to bed super early, I end up feeling hungover the next morning, even if I'm not hungover! Not fair to pay the price for a product I don't get to enjoy.

Enough of me! News breakdown!

Don't Flip Off Attorneys In A Courtroom!

I Don't Do 5 Hour Energy!!

Don't Call The President A Dick On Live Television! Especially if you're a journalist!!

Everyday Is More Epic...er. Epicer? Epicker? Better.

fig 1.1 - What my soul looks like. No, not "old". Just crotchety.

Had a community meeting today at work where I meet with various organizations from outside of my little universe of work. Never too excited about it because it almost feels like I'm having said personnel come to my place of work so I can brag about what I'M doing. Hmm.

It went over surprisingly well. Lots of conversation. Lots of good feedback.

And fortunately, the half of a Monster Energy drink I had spilled on my crotch only 20 minutes before had dried and there was no perception of lost bladder control.

Successful meeting.

Winzor Tuesday

Rarely do I blog this early in the day, but I've stumbled across several articles that make me very happy. Not only as a cynical bastard that wants to watch the world suffer, but because occasionally, and I mean with extreme rarity, does the world actually make a good decision as a whole.

An Airline decided to ban children from 1st class on long distance flights, and is looking to ban them on additional flights. First of all....YAY. Secondly, I think it's funny that the typical people that thought this was a bad decision on Facebook were people who have baby pictures as their profile pictures. While I'm not caffinated enough to go on my typical rants, I will simply say it's about godd*m time they finally did this. I've always thought of firing up my own business line of "children free" everything. Children free grocery stores, airlines, movie theaters, resturants, etc.etc.etc. We've gotten to the point in society where people put SO MUCH value and pride into their children, where it basically negates their own personal identities. Yes, I got the fact that you're a parent...but you're still a f*cking human capable of your own achievements and failures. Stop beating people about the head and shoulders about "children's rights", or I swear I'll slap you and feed a banana to that monkey you call a child.


Violent Video Games are safe (for now) from the crushing oppression of parents everywhere when a law in California attempted to ban the sale of violent video games. Being an avid gamer, and once having been a teenage boy, I think whoever thought up this law needs to get their panties unknotted and get with the real world. The supporters are most likely the same as the ones who disagree with the airline thing. They, for some reason think, this is an appropriate area for the government to step in and do their job. This would be the point where they say "violent games make kids violent" and yes I have read the research. But you know, movies do that. Hormones certainly do that (man puberty was rough), and for craps sake, it's a video game. Cartoons! Not real!


That's pretty much it for today! Like I said, the victories are too far and in between. But if victory means less babies and continued violent video games...well, I call it a win!!

Bonus Blog! - The People Have...Um..Spoken?

I use a traffic tracker on my blog to check from time to time how my blog is doing viewership wise. While I don't say it enough, I'm greatful for the people who spare a moment to read my rantings and incoherent thoughts. Makes this worth it. :)

That being said, it has a "keyword analysis" function which shows what keyword searches generally lead to my website from various search engines. It's broken down from 100% for percentages for each search term that leads to my site...and I must say, the results are terrifying.

17.54% - "Funny fat kid"
5.26% - "Kate Beckinsale body"
1.75% - "Untietoiletoutearth"

What?? Come on' guys. Nobody's searching "Rants", "The Wheel List", or "Boots"?

Good Crap It's In My Brain

This song is very catchy, but honestly, the lyrics are hideous.

Bonus Blog! - ASL Is No Mah Friend

So typically Tuesday's are the night to accompany a friend (from ASL class, aka, ASL Wondertwin or ASLWT for short) to a local gay bar to practice ASL.

After the past few Tuesdays, I'm thinking I might be hanging up my ring, and no longer doing the "form of...the only straight guy at community ASL night!".

Why you ask? Awesome, read on.

For some reason, in the city of Seattle, there is a very unusual trend that I've found that alot of deaf people (or "deafies" as they call themselves) are gay. Or at least the ones that go to all of the community ASL classes I've been to. While my ASLWT is a woman, I typically find myself on the sidelines just sitting back having (now) a coke and a smile and pretty much wallflowering until the class is over.

Is ASL a fun and unique language? Absolutely. Am I glad I learned it? Hell to the yes. Am I willing to subject myself to being in a mega-gay bar every Tuesday where I'm pretty much ignored by the plague so I can practice my ABC's, colors, numbers, and types of food? Uhm...no.

While I feel bad finally hanging up the three year belt of helping out my ASLWT, I've come to the full realization of the following:

1) I'm just not extroverted enough to pull up striking up a conversation, let alone a signed conversation, with a complete stranger.

2) I am waaaay to straight to sit there and just be hammered in the eyes (because deaf people can't speak) with joke after joke concerning only dicks, drag queens, and buttf**king. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic by any means, but dude, I know you're gay...got the memo 20 limp wrists ago.

3) Believe it or not, the Deaf Community (yes, they have a community) is very clannish and is a bit spiteful of "hearing" people. Why? Well, you would be too if mainstream society looked down on a subculture of you and other people for being different. That being said, Deaf Community, I've made the effort to learn your language, culture, and what you advocate for. So when I say I understand what you just said, don't be a f**king prick and make me repeat it back to you. I sure as sh*t don't ask you to enunciate.

4) Interpreters (typically college aged girls) are just snobbish as hell....yeah, pretty much all I got on that.

5) While I do appreciate the ability to drink at community classes, I'm not a huge fan of being awarded shot after shot of signing at a higher level then most. That's typically when I start to actual slur my sign language.

6) No point in keeping my ASL up in that..well, I have no deaf friends.

*Sigh* Awesome.

How Dry Is I?

So it's been about 21 days since I've drank last and so far, well...it's a bit annoying to tell the truth.

I decided to take an extended (unlike previously) hiatus from drinking following too much drunken debatchery occurred one night that just involved me making too may authority figures in my life alittle to grumpy about my behavior.

Overall it's been pleasant not having to worry about dealing with hangovers both at work and especially on the weekends. I have noticed a significant loss of some problematic weight (don't get me wrong, I'm not fat by any means) gain in my torso. And not to mention saving the money that I've typically spent keeping many local bars in business.

That all being said, it's only after you stop drinking do you realize how much drinking makes everything more fun. Gaming is fun. Gaming with a buzz is ALOT of fun. Hanging out? Kinda dull. Hanging out and drinking. Always fun. And nothing on Earth goes better with pizza than beer.

Well, bottom line is I'm going to let other people be the "drunken shenanigans" guy for a while instead of me. I've tempted fate waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many times, I'm concerned I'm all outta dice when it comes to not punching an angry biker or puking on a nun.

RIP Ryan Dunn

Much to the weakness of today, found out that one of my favorite members of Jackass passed away this morning in a car wreck. While there is speculation about drunken driving, this just sucks uber hard. I've grown up with Jackass pretty much since it started up and Dunn has always been one of my favorite members.

Dunn was always the gritty guy who seemed to play along even when he wasn't really up for it. He definately seemed like a good guy that would go out for a beer and have a decent conversation with, and seemed alittle less shallow then the rest.

And as for Roger Ebert chiming in so close to Dunn's passing, you know what you jawless f**kwad, how about having a bit of a compassion. Especially after so many people showed you compassion after you went through a life altering event. Regardless of whether or not Dunn was DWI, f**k you for immediately jumping on his death and putting what you believe to be a humorous twist on it. Seriously? What the f**k is wrong with you.

In Dunn's honor, and to piss in your Wheaties, I'm gonna go home and eat a big a$$ candied apple and Cracker Jacks.

Rest In Peace Dunn.

I Can't Be Negative All Of The Time

In reviewing some of my past entries, I realize I've turned what should have been my periodic ramblings into more of a "grump-a$$" board where I can just piss and moan about stuff that irks me. And for avid followers, it's no mystery that there's ALOT of crap on this Earth that just riles me all up. So in an effort for a more PC, user friendly blog, these are a few of my favorite things:

DOTS

Dots are the bomb. Not only are they far superior to JuJu Bees (because you can actually chew them), but they can also double as a meal replacement. Seriously, a large box typically has about 800 calories. Good for eating on the go when your bastard of a boss won't afford you a lunch break.


Female Fronted Bands

After American bands started going down the toilet (circa American Idol), I began looking across the oceans for different bands that didn't suck or sound like cookie cutter sounds. There I found a bevy of bands, mostly who are fronted by female lead singers. As fruity as it may sound, I prefer female lead singers because they have better voices, and the ones from Europe tend to use more vocal range and have more talent then American singers (i.e. F**k you Courtney Love)

Chicks In Boots
Definately no mystery to most readers, I am a pretty big fan of the Fall season. Why? Chicks wearin' boots! That's why! In all seriousness, I'm not entirely clear why this fashion look is so awesome. Maybe because it presents a look where women exude more power or confidence. Maybe because the term "f**k me boots" screams in my head everytime I see them. No idea... all I do know is that I just wish it was Fall all the time. (caveat #1 - Uggs are not boots ) (caveat #2 - I'm also a huge fan of corsets and latex...see above)


Denny's

While I am an avid supporter of Jack In The Box, Denny's has always been my weapon of choice when it comes to artery clogging goodness. Provided their inability to provide me with a side of sour cream when I ask for it (try it, bet you don't get it), their "bacon-flavored-everything" just captures my attention everytime I see their commercials. And don't even get me started on their skillets!


Gaming

Most pretty much view it as pissing away time until something fun crops up, but for me and my close band of (few) friends, quite the opposite. Gamers pretty much have their own subculture these days, and it's one of the few things I know I can say I'm wicked awesome at (piano? No, I stopped that sh*t years ago). And as being an avid gamer since computers were referred to as "386-SX 33's", I take serious issue with the gaming industry attempting to pull families into the fray. Heeeelllll no. Get the hell outta my world. Go back to taking family pictures while ya'll are wearing the same shirt. And for f**k's sake, throw away your Wii.


Chick Gamers

While the concept is awesome, I've yet to actually meet a woman who is good at gaming. And I don't mean good enough to play Halo where they spend the majority of their time attempting to figure out the Y-Axis look controls and actually shoot an enemy. I mean a girl that can crush me at Halo, or can whoop my a$$ at Tron on the arcade cabinet. I'm talking about a girl that knows what a 3D6+2 means, or knows the story of the rise of the Chaos forces from the Warhammer 40k lore. Huh? Crickets? Yeah...I thought so.


Goth Chicks

Early on in my life, these were girls that I'd quite literally cut my own foot off and give to them if they asked. Later on that same life, I learned that if chicks looked gothy (aka "Chelsea Girls"), there was typically something MASSIVELY wrong with them. Not like the age 15-19 phase gothic chicks, I'm talking mid-late 20's. Yikes. So at this point in my life, I've learned that they're like Ming vases, awesome to look at, but don't even think about touching one....or you will pay...dearly.

WhiskeyBooze in general is one of my most favorite things, however, Scotch and Whiskey take the cake. After adding multi-booze drinks to my Murtough list, I found that sippin' Whiskey is a good time had by all. Although I'm currently "on the wagon" as it were, I look forward to the chance to meeting my good friend Bushmills again.

Sleep

Something I'm still catching up on from my Army days, sleep is just awesome. Like most teenagers, if given the chance, I WILL sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. And yes, I drool like a busted water main.


PORN

So, in light of the fact that I typically blog from work, I couldn't actually google a remotely amusing half pic of porn, so I just went with this space saver. In keeping with the bachelor contract I signed before birth, I have a massive box of porn in my gaming room, as well as a share drive pretty much devoted to storing it. Sad? Probably. Do I know more about human sexuality and crazy a$$ sexual dealings than 99.5% of humanity? ABSOLUTELY.

Victory Ain't Yours You Burnout B*tch!

For those who don't know me, I f**king hate drugs. I f**king hate people that say drugs should be legal. I f**king hate people who try to sell it off as being medically needed. I f**king hate people who all they do is jack off to the idea of buying weed in a 7-11 in the future. And I f**king HATE people that somehow try to justify having a "medical marijuana card".

Yeah yeah, I can already hear the common retorts:

- "Caffeine is a drug"

- "Weed is natural"

- "Weed is less harmful than alcohol"

- "Weed has good medicinal effects"

- "If weed was legal, we could just tax it and eliminate the deficit"

- "Weed is so good...hold on, I gotta go jack off with a handful of weed"

Well, all you hippies can go f**k yourself and your excuses to get high and not risk actually breaking the law. Why? Washington state just laid down Some Ultimate F**KING JUSTICE through a decision by the State Supreme Court that decided that employees can still be fired for testing positive for weed even if they have a "medical marijuana card". All because a Sprint employee was fired for using the crap, and claimed discrimination.

Guess what b*tch? Weed usage AIN'T Title VII protected. Detroit.

I thought about putting my counter arguments to weed legalization up on this post, but I really don't owe all the weed-beaters out there my reasons (which are right of course) why this sh*t shouldn't be legal. However, I can cite a very positive quote:

"Don't do drugs because hippies smoke pot, and hippies suck" - Cartman

The Army Woke Up In Me, And He's Very Very Pissed

I've been off the blogosphere for the typical reasons. Work, work, more work, a bit of personal drama, booze, and most notably, quitting smoking.

I haven't smoked since Monday morning at 12:30 am and so far so good. I even have a smart phone app that tracks the money I save and the hours I don't spend puffing away, and while I can't exactly say I'm stoked about quitting smoking (because..uh, cigarettes are awesome?!), I am glad because I only recently became aware that the phenonena, "Sudden Death", is linked closely to smoking...especially if you're over 30. And yes, it's pretty much what it sounds like, you just keel over dead. Not really my style.

In news elsewhere, it sounds like through the family blog, my father's twin brother (or my uncle) is having several medical issues. At the risk of sounding greedy, we're not ready for anything medically to happen with the family right now. My father and my uncle have been essentially by each other's side since they were born, even serving in Vietnam together. And I can't imagine the damage that would ripple through the family if anything happened at this point.

I swear, some days sh*t is just raining, and I'm the motherf**ker that's left holding the mop.