Ahhhh, HOA's, the one bane of existence I never had to deal with because I've rented my whole life. I live by the simple rule, if I pay the rent, don't throw grenades at my neighbors, and play rock guitar (which I don't) at 2 am in the morning on work day, then just leave me be. Pay my rent, utilities, and don't put a giant penis pinata outside my door, then we're good yes?
Fast forward to my last place in Seattle.....
I moved in with a guy who was renting a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom from a woman who was sub-leasing it.Turned out, it was a condo and not an honest to gosh apartment. So I was surrounded by "home owners" that owned their condos, and I was basically a squatter paying rent. Not being able to adult very good, I had to learn about living around "adults" super fucking quick. In all my living situations, I learned that if you keep quiet, don't cook stinky stuff, generally be a good neighbor, you're fine. NOT if you have a COA.
HOA/COA's are essentially a pack of old people that have fuck all to do in their retirement, and you have to pay them to do fuck all to have "board meetings" and wander the neighborhood/condo complex to look for something to bitch about. Basically, you're paying to build Karens/Kens to give you shit about having a plant on your patio.
Sooooo, upon moving into this Condo, it started it off quiet. Stuck inside, went to work, no biggie. One morning, I was heading to work and was taking the garbage out, and realized my car keys were still inside. "Ack, gotta get 'em". I was taking the trash to the dumpster via my car (the dumpster was 200 yards away from my front door.....) so I plopped the bag down outside my front door to run in and grab my keys. After a furious search, I found them plus $20 (WHOO!) in my jeans pocket and headed back out. As I popped out of my apartment, I got an ominous "notice" about placing my garbage in public hallways. I was in there for less than 5 minutes. No idea who left it, however, I did come to find out that people that owned condos there were issued these "notice" ticket books to hand out willy nilly.
Okay......it's on Donkey Kong, and my ass just brought the hammer......
I had a patio which I'd go out and smoke on after work (I never smoke indoors, kinda gross). So I'd go out and have a cigarette before dinner. The neighbors to the immediate left of me had no issues, young couple, super nice, would wave on occasion. Now to my left and one story up, was the most passive aggressive bitch I've ever met. When I first moved in, she introduced herself, gave me basically her entire resume ending in dog training (uh....foreshadowing?) and gave me what I can only define of as a rape whistle. She asked if it was possible that everytime I go out on the patio to smoke, I blow this whistle so she knows to close her patio door..............I did it once, and threw the whistle off my patio. "HEY, I MIGHT BE GETTING RAPED! OR SMOKING A CIGARETTE!" She was the kind of retired person that had fuck all to do except stay home and open/close her patio door all day. At one point, she even put a high speed fan on her patio pointed at mine to "keep the smoke away". If I ever get that petty with old age where I need to focus on verbally pistol whipping others, please shoot me.
Ahhh, then there was this elderly man (70ish?) who I nicknamed "Slow Shoe". My last year in Seattle I was working from home so I had plenty of breaks on my patio. I'd sit out there, watch the crows fly by, watch the groundskeeper use a leaf blower on plain asphalt, and this guy wander around. He always wore a hat, fluffy coat, nut hugger jeans (excuse me *BLLLLAAARRRRGGGG) and slippers. From his conversations I could hear, he was from the East Coast, I want to say Jersey? Anywho, he would magically come out of his apartment ever 30-45 minutes, and slowly (and I mean slow) walk around the entire apartment complex, and God help you if you ran into him because he would talk you to death. Watched it plenty of times. He'd snare someone and like people (oddly enough) in the East Coast think it's a badge of honor, he'd bring up how long he'd lived there *"I'VE LIVED HERE FOR EIGHT YEARS!" Great grandpa, I've lived here 6 months.......no one fucking cares.
Anywho, back to the topic at hand. After having the superintendent come up under my patio, sometimes with the president of the COA Board (oh no.......he brought "rank".....too bad they don't know I've had my ass chewed by a General in the Army) about curtains, plants on my patio, loud noises (roommates did that, not me), Halloween decorations, name it.....I had enough. After packing all of my crap in a moving truck, changing the locks, I'd saved up enough beer cans to line my patio waste high for all to see. :) That was severely against the COA rules, and couldn't care less. Didn't actually own the condo, and it'd give all the old, bored people something to shit their pants about.
I'm a giver. ;) And like my brothers chose too, if you find a dream house, but it falls under the 4th Reich of a Home Owners Association? FUCK THAT. My rent, my land, my rules. If I want to display a giant 20 foot inflatable dildo on my lawn for Christmas, no bullshit pile of old retirees that have nothing to do won't give me a "fine" for doing so....
COA's & HOA's across the US? You can gargle my nuts (and that's from the heart. ;) )
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