Time For A Drank

fig. 1-1 So that's what Crunk means....

Now that the matchbox apartment has been set up, it's time for a house warming party. I haven't been the actual organizer of a party since college, and it was several things that I believe generally steered me away from doing such things:

1) The Fake Out - The organizer is always the most excited one to be having the house party. No matter how much your friends like you, they will alway be alittle less excited to go, because let's be honest...if they blow you off...there's nothing at stake. I've never taken issue with friends that couldn't attend for any reason...it's the magic "I might show up" that just sends me into a downward spiral into anger. Essentially, this four word phrase is just covering the actual phrase of "I'm most definately not going to come tonight, but instead, I'll act like the intent to come is there with a half-commital answer, then I'll tell you how I got lost on my way there tomorrow morning while you're barfing in a garbage can, telling me how fun it is between heaves".

2) The Chaos Potential - Much like a tidal wave or a multicar pile up on a busy freeway in winter, the potential for a house (or in this case apartment) party to get out of hand is beyond the realm of imagination. You have to figure for every person you invite, they will invite at least one other person. Those without manners will be ones who get invited by an original invitee, then turns around and invites someone else (who would be, in this case, invited twice removed). Bottom line, you really have to pick your invitees and monitor them closely unless you have an enormous house in which you can fill up a lawn or two. In this case, if we get too many, I'll just stack the drunk ones in the bathtub like cord wood.

3) The Yack Factor - I would say of all the house parties I attend, I have about a 90% success rate of seeing people heave before the night is through. Although this is always brought on by successive shots of bottom shelf liquor, there's only one other constant. The cookies that are indeed tossed always end up anywhere but an easily cleaned tiled surface. Usually on a carpet, maybe in a sink...hell, I even have one friend (Broggin') who told me the heroic tale of how he puke-and-rallied in some homeowners washing machine. Epic.

4) Breakage - Something always gets broken. Doesn't matter if it's just a glass, a piece of furniture, someone's heart, etc.etc.etc....something always gets broken.

5) The Post Party Fog - No matter how well you've prepared, in the morning, there is always an unusual fog which is the combination of party floor* and leftover half empty drinks. This smell will permiate everything and can usually only be removed through good ventilation and burning about 10 pounds of popcorn.

I guess I can't complain. I know at least most of these risks and it's happening anyway. Let's just see what happens when I toss Everclear into the mix with a bunch of rubbing alcohol noobies.

*Party Floor: Par-ty Floor - \par-tee floore\- noun; Etymology-Sophmore Year of College from too much drinking;

1) The state of a kitchen floor or other tiled surface that has become sticky or tacky to the touch due to copious amounts of liquor, snacks, and/or bodily fluids being spilled and left to set over a period of one night.