Olive Drab To Corporate Greens

I had a slight epiphany today when I was sitting amongst chest high stacks of personnel folders that this is a job that I could very easily become stagnant in.

The Army is never short on giving you situations where you're kept on your toes. Depending on rank, you usually end up working one job for about 1-2 years, then you're reassigned to a new job, and possibly a new unit and/or new duty station. Your bosses are always either brand new or heading out the door, and you're always having additional duties heaped on your head.

I can remember at one time as Platoon Leader at Fort Leonard Wood, I was also: The Company Safety Officer, the Fire Prevention Officer, the Environmental Compliance Officer, the Automations Officer, the Motor Pool Officer, the Battalion Voting Assistance Officer, and the Unit Status Report Officer. No sweat. These hands never went idle.

Now, other then a few variations in my job, it's pretty much the same day in and day out. I can't comprehend how someone could have the same office job for 10 to 20+ years. I know that it was the old way that people used to be in a career for life, but I honestly think that's selling yourself short. If you don't diversify your resume, it's not going to help you much should your company tank.

Although, there is something to be said for not freezing your a$$ off in the field for 3 weeks every 6 months.

"This One Goes To Eleven"

fig. 1-1 Suprisingly I look better on a treadmill.....

In light of the fact that I completely used up most of my energy and decimated the treadmill this morning, I'm going to treat myself to the efficient use of bulletized items in todays entry:

Bunker Bed - Although 99% pointless for those not in a warzone, this magical sleepy bye bed comes equipped with armor strong enough to stop a round from a .357, AND, has the ability to return fire with everything from tear gas to "projectiles". Hermetically sealed with it's own rebreather, it also guards against any type of chemical or biological attack. Built in toilet to round it out? AWESOME. Price tag starting at about $135k? NOT AWESOME.

Kinky Education - All I have to say is, this is by far the most unusual school related celebration I've ever heard of. I've heard of onesies and twosies, but en masse? The Europeans always gotta out do us!

Questionable Science - This is a reason Iraq will fail to thrive...forever.

Dangerous Science? - Apparently the people pushing this lawsuit apparently are so afraid of anything going wrong, they don't see the MASSIVE potential scientific gains. Go ahead guy, ignore the fact that almost all physicists agree there is no danger, as long as you're safe right?

Soda Rock - I couldn't remember the title of this long awaited album for the longest time because it bobs in and out of the news like a buoy in rough seas. All I know is that it's going to take someone alot bigger then Dr. Pepper to release this missing relic.

Books or Battles

I never got into reading much growing up. I pretty much still don't read, and I place heavy blame on such tasty wonders as Great Expectations and Bartleby the Scrivener. My mother hates the fact that unlike my brothers, reading for me is pretty much work. And it's not for the fact that I don't have a creative imagination, I just prefer to relax by not doing the work of pouring over page after page of the same story. I think my problem is that if I'm reading, I'm assuming there something I need to know, and I like that text to get to the point.

Along those lines, I've read copious amounts of textbooks for school where they easily could have eliminated all the narrative and just had a couple dozen pages of definitions and examples. That would have made it easier.

As for "reading for fun"...nah. I'd rather sit back and have the "idiot box" just pander to me. Relaxing for me doesn't involve the active use of the part of my brain that controls creativity and imagination. If I'm using that part, then the fun is slowly running away.

See, the funny thing is, even in elementary through high school, when the teacher asked students to read out loud, I can confidently say I was probably one of the few students that could read it 100% fluidly, enunciate better, and say it faster then most.

Finally, I'm all about creative originality. I have a theory that those writers who all read the same "classic novels" (Whoever said Great Expectations was a classic needs to be punched) are all influenced from the same source. Not putting much support in this theory but just a thought.

Besides, video games are better. As depicted above, Sinistar can defeat any literary character, no matter how classic.

What!

A Toast To Nightmares!

Had a dream last night that the Spice Girls (well, all minus Posh) and I were on a road trip and staying in a hotel. During this time I announced to them that I thought they were one of the greatest all female bands and that it will be hard for any other group to be as good as they were.

That is the last time I polish off an old bottle of chilled strawberry-zook Zinfindel.

One Gut Wonder

I found this video tooling through youtube and thought back on it. I've seen other videos of people attempting nefarious food based challenges such as the gallon of milk in an hour challenge, or the tablespoon of cinnamon challenge. Apparently the people that attempt these believe they are the .001% of all humans on earth that can actually pull this off. Without going into serious explaination of biology on how these feats cannot be done, I can tell you that from an eyewitness account, the after effects are not worth the possible glory you might obtain by doing them.

A military challenge we all tried (when we were bored, which was quite a bit in the field) was the 2 MRE crackers in 2 minutes , which in this post, the Marine actually pulls it off. While not impossible and no harm will likely come to the body, it's still harder then hell because the crackers are dry as sand.

Back to the video at the top however. This guy seems a bit more sane then the other (search youtube for "100 cups of coffee"), as the other guy attempted it in 8 hours using a French press (really dumb because that coffee has more caffine). I am, although, not going to stick up for this doofus either.

*BIOLOGY TIME! YAY!*

The average cup of coffee (8 oz.) typically contains 86 mg of caffine provided it is drip coffee and not French Press. This man is attempting to drink 100 cups of coffee in 24 hours. Let's look at this caffine guy in depth.

The lethal dose of caffine for a human is anywhere from 3-20 grams. The duration of caffine in the body lasts between 1.5-5 hours depending obviously on age, body weight, and metabolism. A lethal dose of caffine effective causes a heart attack, and in some extreme cases of too much stimulants, literally rips the heart itself apart from beating too hard. This is why the cases of people actually taking whole bottles of No-Doz, then falling over dead, is not a mystery.

So, his challenge is to ingest 8.6 grams of caffine within a 24 hour period. To do so, he would not be able to drink more then 4 cups every hour, and this is barring any sleep. However, this is also stating that his body could tolerate this dosage, as the low end of lethal is 3 grams of caffine.

So in short, all this being said, impressionable youtube kids everywhere, I wouldn't suggest this one. Even as I am an AVID supporter of caffine, the idea of my very core exploding doesn't really strike me as being worth so many seconds of fame (nor is the idea of puking up a gallon of milk).

How Am I Always Back Here

SPECIFICATIONS:

Diameter: 102 mm
Height: 196 mm
Weight: 3.2 kg
Explosive content: Reported between 0.42 kg and 0.56 kg of Composition B with a RDX booster charge.
Operating pressure: 10.8 kg pressure, 6 kg pull.

DESCRIPTION:
The Valmara 59 is a large cylindrical Italian bounding Anti-personnel mine. It is the first in the "Valmara" family of mines produced by Valsella Meccanotecnica, and was followed by the Valmara 69 and VS-JAP. The mine's body is plastic with a distinctive five pronged head. The central prong has a hole, to allow the threading a trip wire. The inner body of the mine has a main charge surrounded with approximately 1,000 steel cubes, below which is a steel wire connecting it to the base of the mine. When the mine is triggered a small charge lauches the mine into the air approximately 45 cm before the steel wire is pulled taught, the jolt of which pulls a striker into the detonator. A secondary time fuse triggers the mine after three seconds if it has not detonated after being triggered.

The fragments produced by the mine are lethal to range of 25 meters are capable of penetrating light armour. Source

***Now allow me to put this in context. I would rather play soccer in a parking lot littered with these then to go clubbing in downtown Seattle.

You Just Got Maxium Served!

FINALLY, not just someone sees it myway, all of Maxium agrees that Sarah Jessica Parker, Sandra Oh, Amy Winehouse, Madonna and Britney Spears are all pretty not hot. But to build on this list, I'm going to be bold in saying the most "shocking" one apparently is they titled Parker the most uggo. And I know why.

Despite the fact that she claims to be okay with this, it's pretty much the biggest slam you can get when the nation's leading men's magazine titles you as Queen Fugly. That's right up there with Websters listing your name as a definition for something, because man when this hit the news, I could hear every guy for 10 square miles going "yep, I could definately see that".

I know, I know...she's made the best dressed list and all that crap on MSN and various fashion specials in mainstream media, but let's face it, who decides what's fashionable? Sure as hell isn't straight guys. Who decides who is the most elegant? Nope! Chicks and gay men again! Who decides who's HOT for the actress/singer bunch...okay, now it's guys.

So in the off chance that she or her camp would ever read this blog, allow me to offer a letter of explaination:

"Dear Mrs. Parker,

I'm sorry to read that you were unable to see this bombshell dropping from the sky. I'm furthermore disappointed for you to be unable to accept the fact that you have been nationally rejected by straight males as being even possibly sexy. Yes, you'll always have the red carpet fashion and the gays will always be screaming how fabulous you are...but no, unfortunatly the truth has come to light for the fact that men will never be dying to even get a chance to oogle you.

Now in an attempt to soften this colossal blow to your ego, allow me to explain on behalf of men nation wide why this happened. It's not the fact that you don't have implants, nor the fact that you don't have a rock hard body , nor the fact that you don't have 'full lips' or a 'bodacious butt'. It's the fact that you remind us all of that awkward girl in high school. Yes, that girl that sat next to me in biology, with the sticker from her banana at lunch time pasted on her head in an odd attempt at vying for attention. You're the girl that joined the really weird clubs like Environmental Club or the Recycling club. You were also the weird girl that only hung out with the really douchy older guys in band or choir, despite the fact that you always seemed to sway on the side of hemp and patchouli. You were the girl, who at your prime in high school, always tried a little too much to separate yourself from the pack...not based on your skills and abilities, but rather just through the mere fact of making yourself seem odd. You listened to waaaay too much Bjork, Tori Amos, and Sinead O'Conner. You learned 3 different instruments, and you drove a beater Subaru. You were, for all other terms, 'that girl'. Yikes.

You see Mrs. Parker, it's not the fact that you're not feminine, you are. It's the fact that you're feminine in such a degree that only attacts anyone but your standard-industry run-of-the-mill straight guy. Your unusual sense of self depth attracts the hippies, your unusual (and somewhat caustic) sense of fashion attracts the gays, and your Sex and the City persona attracts skanky females. There is nothing about you that is attractive to regular straight men, you're too f#*king far in left field for us to even consider you. At best, we would classify you as sister material.

And in being ranked over the others, let me break it down really quick:

Amy Winehouse - Trainwreck girls still attract guys, especially ones that broadcast that they get drunk waaaay too much

Sandra Oh - Asian girls, regardless of ug fact, are a well documented fetish for some guys

Madonna - She had her prime, and sometimes all you need to do is close your eyes and dream

Britney - Again, I cite trainwreck, plus, well, I guess that's all she really has for now....

As for Maxium destroying your husbands "taste in women", well...after all, it's Matthew Brodrick..I mean really, who's he really going to get? Given, I liked "Ferris", but that doesn't invest enough in his personal stock to get him far.

So again, I wish to express my sincere condolences on this bombshell. I wish the fact that you look like all American straight male's 12th grade English teacher could have been conveyed to you in a better way, but at least this way you can say you're "the best" at something.

Warmest regards with a beer in my hand,

Azurael"

Might Be Down, But Still Not Out

So despite a colossally bad week in general to include such wonders as being devistatingly hungover and having my washing machine completely break on me, I'm attempting to keep a positive attitude.

This became more difficult to figure on then I'd previously though this week when I realized my cats had fleas last night. "Fleas? How the hell did they get fleas? They're inside all day." After doing my research, I discovered these little bastards latch onto stuff and you can track them into your house.

Continuing my research, everything I've read now points to the fact that I have to "flea bomb" my entire apartment, not once, but twice, three weeks apart, to make sure I get whatever generation egg is being laid now. Bug bombs make me nervous in general. The idea of a can spraying a condensed pesticide into and all over my apartment just sounds counter to what any person should do. However, fortunately I hate fleas bad enough that I'd be willing to go so far as to take a hand held steam cleaner and scorch every square inch of my carpet by hand.

That fun is going to wait until the weekend when I can detonate the bug nuke and leave the house for a few hours. Tonight will be my energetic attempt to follow the anti-flea shampoo instructions, lather up my cats, and make sure they stand there while the lather soaks in for 5 minutes. Yeah, that won't be messy.

This Is Bad Medicine

I should have made New Years resolutions...and one of them would have been promising to laugh like this at all times in public.

I Was Green, But Not With Envy

Harp Lager is to me as though you took that "Hallelujah" song, found a way to condense it into a liquid, and had it bottled by Amy Lee herself. It's tastiness and appeal is further compounded because not only is it waaaay better out of the tap, it's almost impossible to find except for a few select Irish pubs in and about Seattle. This beer, in my book, trumps all other beers without question, and I'll always choose this over anything else, any day.

That being said, I can go on to say this. Yesterday was St. Patrick's day. I celebrate this (but don't go buck wild) because I am a bit Irish on my father's side. I was talked into heading to a bar yesterday for happy hour. After being told it had 160 Beers On Tap, and Harp being one of them, I was sold. "One hundred and sixty?" I thought, "with that much beer, I bet that have enough backstock of Harp not to worry about the St. Patrick's day rush".

WRONG.

No sooner then two beers into happy hour, I was informed they were "out" of Harp. Looking immediately between the time on my watch and the fact that all the waiters were wearing goofy-f#$king clover and/or beer shaped hats, I pondered how this could be possible. How can I be at place that boasts having an almost unrivaled beer selection, ON Saint Patricks day, be out of the one of the three Irish beers??? (Guiness and New Castle being the other two).

Suffice to say, that's where my drinking came to an end. And with a broken washing machine capping off my night, I'd say yesterday was a pretty awesome.