Great Globs Of Fire

Addressing the issue of hot sauce today, I'd like to point out that I am not in fact a food snob. Booze snob yes, food snob no.

Hot sauce is something I've recently grown fond of thanks to a Seattle friend, and I put it on nearly everything. Pasta, pizza, and even in my can of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni. It zings up everything and clears out the sinuses. I usually use Tapatio, and carry a bottle in my backpack at all times should I ever counter something bland on my way to work (this idea stolen from Don Vito from Bam Margera's show).

The thing I don't understand is when makers of hot sauce make the stuff unbearably hot. Somehow, they find a way to condense so much of the hot stuff (called capsicum) which happens to also be the active ingredient in pepperspray, and put it into a bottle. I'm all for a good burn, even getting put up in the Seattle's Wing Dome "Wall of Flame" for eating a #7 out of 7 level spicy wing, but I'm not all about eating sauce where one drop will literally send me into convulsions all the while I attempt to flood my mouth with 3 gallons of milk. And speaking from experience, I've done this. My first and only encounter with "too much sauce" was cooking one night while in a semi-drunken stupor. I decided to make ramen (per usual) and was out of Tapatio. I used a bottle of hot sauce the Seattle friend gave me (called "Dave's Insanity Sauce") and put two drops in my ramen. Shortly after eating it, I began to sweat profusely and my tongue started to register an extreme tingle. It wasn't long before I was pulling the Dumb and Dumber move of attepting to hose off my tongue under a faucet.

Until this had happened, the only inanimate objects I had ever cussed at were things I stubbed my toe on, and things I bumped my head on. This bottle got the very pointless but very satisfying end of my verbal 2 x 4.

Freakin' hot sauce!

Creepin' Up On Ya

I'm declaring my first major blogging victory today. I noticed that I am the #1 Google search hit for "That's how long I've been on ya". Apparently there are quite a few people out there that love Kanye West's music enough to look up the lyrics. And it just so happened that I pushed him out of spot #1 by quoting his song title.

Takin' the Internet, one search item at a time.

Cyber-Suck

So after spending half an hour typing a well thought out blog entry, blogger ate it. So I've decided to pull the "computer cop out" and not try to retype the whole thing. Instead I'll leave you with this thought:

Why do pickled cucumbers get to be called "pickles", where as anything else that gets pickled (i.e. beets, eggs, famous French explorers) get called "pickled beets, eggs, Ponce De Leon".

Discuss

Clip-On's Don't Make Them Any Less Irritating

So other then the occasional wearing of a tie with my Class B uniforms in the Army, I rarely have worn a tie except for my time at Kmart.

Shortly after the Kmart/Sears merger (Kmart claims they bought Sears...however I think it's funny that Kmart is adopting all Sears Operating Procedures), the Kmart managers went from having to wear a solid blue/red shirt (can't remember which color), and starting wearing slacks and button up shirts with ties. You'll notice this being similar to what most Sears employees wear.

Aside from my complete pissing and moaning that it is impossible to do a freight oriented retail job wearing this hokey outfit, I realized that I may have committeed a social faux pas while I was there. At the start, I kept my tie on rotation. I had about four ties that I rotated through. I'm not big on them, and still can barely actually tie them, so I didn't hassle too much with them. After a while when the charm wore off, I just stuck to the same tie. It was a black and red tie that had a super subtle checker pattern (I detest patterned ties). I wore it everyday I worked, and never really thought about tie etiquette when it comes to cleaning/wearing. I understand that it may look odd, but is there a requirement to wash it every so often? I kept it clean, and obviously never sweat on it. Hmmm.

Well, all that said, ties suck.

Repeat = Necessity

In a recent bout of laxity towards going to the gym, I've come to realize there is alot we do in our lives, that we should only have to make an effort to do really good a few times. The perfect example is a wedding. People plan like hell to have one, it turns out good (sometimes), and for the rest of their lives, they can prattle on about their "perfect wedding". There are many things where our efforts are not reflected for a long period of time. Sure things we constantly do may affect us in the short term, but for some reason, people accept the fact that they have to do somethings pretty forever.

For example:

Going To The Gym - I've probably logged more gym/exercise hours in the past 9 years then any average Amercian has spent doing something to save the environment in their entire life. Why is it I still have to go with regularity? I understand how biology works, but I would submit that if life were truly just, I could hit the gym as hard as I did for five years, and spend the rest of my life eating steak fat and brown gravy, and still be sporting a six pack and a muscular back.

Going To The Bathroom - Once again, biology aside, am I the only one who gets tired of going to the bathroom? Studies show that the average person spends about three years in the bathroom. I can certainly imagine better ways of using my time.

Waiting In Line - As a new law, I would propose that all lines, no matter where, are assorted into reverse chronological order, with the eldest at the front. Why? Because they've spent more time waiting in line then you, and I'm pretty sure they're totally done with it.

Going To The Dentist - I only say this because everytime I go, I seem to have a brand new cavity. I'm not sure how that's possible seeing as how I have little to no original tooth space left after all the fillings I've had so far. I guess the only real way to get around this is to get dentures...but then you've got a new set of problems.

I don't feel above anything like this, I just believe that certain tasks that have no limit of effort are questionable at best.

'It's Cocaine In A Can Baby!"

So every morning, in lieu of coffee, I tend to get my energy jolt from a big heaping helping of energy drink. This usually helps in getting the morning started right, but makes me a twitchy zombie by about 2pm (blog time).

Along side with the fact that it helps me get my day off with a boost, I've also heard that it reduces damage being done to the liver from certain substances (i.e. alcohol). I'm not 100% as to whether that's true or not, but I'd be pretty damn lucky if by pure incident, Red Bull was pushing Everclear back out of my liver.

"..That's How Long I've Been On Ya..."

Over the weekend, I had the (mis) fortune of doing the "Pioneer Square Loop", and visiting several bars and clubs. For those unfamilar to Pioneer Square in Seattle, it's the oldest part of the city, and also the collection of all the preppy, trendy, overpriced, too-loud, meat market clubs. The bars weren't bad, but the club we visited reminded me of a high school dance that'd been aged 20 years and mixed with crappy liquor. So the night went like this:

Stop 1 - The "Typhoon! Thai Resturant - First, I'm always a bit weary of eating at a resturant that is named after a life taking natural disaster. I'm sure nobody would eat at the "Ebola Hot Zone Wing Dome!", at least I hope they'd reconsider first. The food itself wasn't bad, but possibly a bit overpriced. Thai food is good because it's spiciness is very customizable, and it fills you up quick. I later came to find out it also is a better alcohol cushion in your stomach then greasy fast food. Not bad Typhoon, not bad.

Stop 2 - The "Zig Zag Cafe" - By no means of the imagination is this place a cafe. It's a smaller, jazzier bar with a short cocktail list and a creepy, Saw-esque bathroom. Not bad place, given the constant jazz music and the pricy drinks. The upside of this place was the extremely strong drinks, however, the additional downside was the fact that the extremely strong drinks tasted extremely like crap. I actually had a cocktail made from Aquavit that tasted like absinthe. Gross.

Stop 3 - The "Alibi Room" - The first thing I noticed and liked about this bar was the fact that it was dark as hell. Dimly lit ownly by a sparce amount of scattered lights, until my eyes focused, I tried reading the menu using my cell phone as a backlight. The longisland wasn't over powering which was good, and the service was fairly decent. They were also johnny-on-the-spot with the water, which was good because I wanted to be able to drive home at the end of the night.

Final Stop - "Heaven's Night Club" - Let's just say, the name doesn't fit the bill. The group had reserved a "VIP room", which wasn't a room by any stretch of the imagination. They had roped off an elevated portion of the dance floor, and built "rooms" out of see through curtains (probably to discourage alittle at-club bam bam). In each of these "rooms" was one to two couches and a table that had a built in cooler. The tables also came with a tray of glasses, straws, and a carafe of orange juice and cranberry juice. We ordered a bottle of vodka for the table, which the waitress had to lock up in the table after she poured us drinks every time (understandable as state law prohibits the actual selling of bottles beyond the liquor store, and I'm sure there's a law prohibiting bar patrons from serving themselves). The rest of the night went per usual as they do at meat market clubs. Lots of loud music, people screwing on the dance floor, a toilet glazed in vomit (being the only one free for me), guys being pigs, women being pissy, and someone getting us kicked out because they barked on the couches...which is good because I wanted to leave anyway.

I'm not a real big dancer, and I sure as hell am not big on meat market clubs.

Irish bars all the way!

Not Even The Facts Ma'am

Over the past few days, I've been dealing with alot of questions and answers, mostly pertaining to benefits and some policies in the company I work for. Well, I figured everyone loves answers and info, so I thought I'd share them with ya'll. Let's see if you can guess the question that spawned it:

- The annual employee contribution limit is $15,000 per year.

- Yes, our medical plan does cover certain aspects of mental diagnosis and treatment.

- No, even though it's a Federal holiday, we do not get Columbus day off

- Yes, liquid lunches are still frowned upon regardless of the pending policy

And with that, on to the weekend.

"...Crazy Idea About Breeding Pine Trees..."

This day has started off slow, but then went super weird, super quick. I find it difficult to prattle on about my heros, heroines, rants, and WTF's when my thoughts and efforts are "all asunder".

So please enjoy this link of LOLCat

WTF 24 Hour Fitness?

So let's take a minute to direct some well earned fire onto 24 Hour Fitness. This morning I discovered, that after doing so for a month, 24 Hour Fitness will no longer allow me to host a guest in for free, even after I was told I could do so for up to three months as a new member. I didn't get a "okay, there has been a change in policy, so next time have your $15 ready", I got the "no money no workie". Let's dissect this further. I'm a paying member. I paid $300 in one shot to become a member (first month, last month, concurrent month, "registration fee"-whatever the s#*t that is -->Bear in mind, I registered online), I'm there at 6am sans wallet, the gym is almost completely empty, and I'm being told I can host a guest because the policy suddenly changed. Awesome. I could understand if the gym was busy or if the policy had never existed, or if there was some "supply" of some tangible item that the gym provided that a customer (or guest) would use, such as eating at a resturant...but there isn't.
Bearing in mind that I'm a person that has grown up on policies and lines in the sand, this was pure crap.
Furthermore, NO, I do not need a body fat test, or a personal trainer to help me. Mostly for the fact that I've been on an exercise program for the better part of 10 years, but not only that, because I don't want to have the body type of half of their personal trainers, because most of them have a wee bit of a gut on them.

WTF 24 Hour Fitness! I'm only sticking with you because if I can stand a gym on a remote base in Iraq (that had almost better equipment), I can stick with this.

Here are some links to other unhappy customers.

Grumpy #1

Grumpy #2

Grumpy #3