The Subtle Roar Of Paint Drying

Well...I can see I'm not the only one who isn't getting shit done today.

(And seriously, could they look any more f-ing surly - Staying professional doesn't mean look like you're trying to pinch a loaf)

A Can of Whoopass But No Can Opener

There have been days since the Army where I honestly missed the opportunity to go fight crime or the potential to go to war. Moving from a job where you're entire role in an organization is to "close with and destroy the enemy", to a job where your entire role is to "kiss the customers ass while they fart on your face" (ahem. Kmart) is just very dizzying.
I firmly believe that many people in the Army thrive on conflict....usually moreso when they win. I can remember situations during law enforcement where I'd get into a scuffle with a few subjects and my fellow MP's were there to help me. When it was all said and done, even if a few were bruised and/or bleeding, everyone was amped and wanted more. Or even in Iraq when I can recall Humvee's loaded with MP's hooting and hollering as they drove out the gate on the way to an ongoing fire fight.
Hmm. Looking back, either we're gluttons for pain, or we're flat out crazy.

It Makes Every Day Bitter

fig 1.1 - What 2+2 looks like when doing accounting while
hungover.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Armed

The next listed hero is the atypical "Chicks with Guns".

Every (straight) man is ingrained with certain ideals from birth. One of those greater ideals of attraction states that a woman doing anything that is usually classified as "macho" is automatically sexy. Guns are the absolute caviar of manly stuff, followed notably by "chicks with swords", "chicks with bombs", and "chicks working on cars".

Heroines such as Aeon Flux, Laura Croft, and yes, even the main character from Ultraviolet reinforce the fact that women that appear as though they would rather be attending a party, but just so happened into the need to tear down entire cities with hand cannons was acceptable as well. It movies and instances like this that I appreciate the fact that men are visual learners.

On a different axiom, I've had the ability to actually see women in combat during my time in the Army. Despite the fact that I did have some pretty aggressive male soldiers, the most aggressive soldiers I've had were female. They carried the bigger guns (by choice), they usually were the first ones to kick down doors during law enforcement, and they never failed to qualify on a weapons range. Now obviously I'm talking in broad terms, as no gender is 100% perfect. But this definitely tore down the line for me in terms of how men and women fight.

All this aside, nobody minds the sight of a Chick with a Gun, just as long as they aren't pointing at you. And if you're not convinced, tell me you've never heard of Annie Oakley.

Chicks With Guns - Wicked Fine Destruction Heroines

The Day Your Crap Owns You

Over the weekend, I've had the pleasure of moving, again. I thank my stars that I've been in the Army and always maintain in the back of my head to get ready to move, or as termed by the military as "jump TOC" (which refers to moving the tactical operations center at a moments notice due to mission requirements or enemy considerations. The tactical operations center is the hub of all unit activity for a military unit during tactical operations)

Ninety percent of my stuff is big, which means it takes up a lot of space, but doesn't take long to move....except for the unholy green couch. I bought this couch when I was assigned to Fort LeonardWood, Missouri. The couch is alittle over 8 feet long, and fortunately does not have a hide-a-bed. When I moved into the apartment I live in now, it took me and a friend almost 2 hours of going up one stairwell, then back down and up another to get it into the apartment. No problem moving out however, I remember what we did to get it out. Unfortunately, my new place has even narrower stairwells. Had the couch been so much as 2 inches longer, I'm positive it would still be jammed in one of the corridors. Thankfully I had help, and more importantly, a truck. You can't move alot of furniture in a freakin' Prius.

So after a long day of moving, the hot tub at my soon to be old apartment building was in order. I'd never used it before, so I figure I'd abuse it this time around. When I found it, and was getting ready to turn on the jets, I noticed a giant shiny button to the left of the jet control. It has a powerpoint written label above this enormous red button (that looked like a missile launch button) that said "Emergency Spa Shut-Off".

Can anyone please tell me what emergency in a hot tub would require someone to leap from the hot tub and turn off the things that make alot of bubbles?

Yeah...neither can I.

Invention - The Better Bathroom Stall

A rule in life that we can all accept, is the fact that no one likes using public bathrooms. Most people are terrified of the hygene of these facilities, I'm of the group that just prefers not to spend "me-time*" in a location where people can see and/or hear me.
One of the uncanny issues I'm burdened with today is the fact that I can't use a urinal with anyone else in the room. I blame the Army's urinalysis program for this one completely. Drug testing done in the Army is different then the posh civilian drug tests. You still have to whizz in a cup, but the Army way is, some one is required to watch you whizz in a cup. And I mean full on glare (they have to see the liquid leave you and enter the cup). There is a one day "certification" course these lucky soldiers must attend, to which, they are then properly nicknamed "gazers" (short for "sausage gazers"). Suffice to say, it's haunted me to this day, so I'm a big fan of the stall.
The stall is one of the few rooms on Earth that is completely unsecure by any physical security means, however, everyone (talking guys now, not girls) honors the sanctity by avoiding talking, knocking, or the dreaded door tug at all costs. However, stalls are usually lacking several elements that would make them more hospitable, and would promote less High Schoolers having to drive all the way home just to take a dook.

#1 - Physical Structure - At best, only the stall doors almost touch the ground. Although not a concern for most guys, some are worried about the dreaded "top-down surveillance", where someone looks over the wall of the stall. Or even worse, the guy in the stall next to you drops his cell phone and it rolls into your stall. Awkward! I understand stalls are built to balance financial cost with privacy, but all that aside, improvements can be made. First of all, the walls should go all the way up to the ceiling, or the stall should have a ceiling. This would prevent look overs. Next, the doors should have hinges that can withstand a magnitude 8 earthquake. For some reason, those are always the first parts of the stall to fail. Usually requiring using a different stall, or holding the door up in mid-dook. The locking mechanism should not be a simple twist latch that can be easily undone by anyone with a flat object on the other side. It should be something that resembles either a deadbolt, or a large bar that was used to bar castle gates.

#2 - Internal Plumbing - Most public bathrooms have decent toilets. The kind that really can't fail or break. What they are usually lacking is enough flush power to powerout ungodly amounts of matter. I would recommend building on the design of the automatic sensor that flushes the toilet regardless of whether the occupant wants it or not. And the flush power should be strong enough to power through a toilet bowl full of pudding in 3 seconds. Additionally, a small, toilet-internal vent/fan system should be added inside the bowl to avoid the untimely "courtesy flush".

#3 - Toilet Paper Supplies - This is an area I see getting better all the time. Usually the fear was always not enough toilet paper. This problem is being solved either by 1) an ENORMOUS roll of toilet paper (usually 1/2 ply...so it equals to about a roll of regular) or 2) numerous rolls of toilet paper. The only consideration I would submit is make the paper dispenser impervious to college kids.

#4 - Vandalism Resistant - Asides from physical strength, the insides should be whitewashed every so often to remove any grafitti. Either this, or color ingrained glass should make up the walls of the stall. This way, it removes any chance of vandals carving anything on the inside that can't be removed.

#5 - Amenities - The standard stall could use a few upgrades. First, a floor drain in every stall. This would in sure any overflows don't incroach on others during inopportune times. Secondly, a small light next to the outer door handle to let others know the stall is in use. This again would prevent the dreaded "door tug".

I was partially inspired by the "automatic toilets" that Seattle has. They look like cyclindrical sheds with Star Trek like doors. Once you enter, the doors shut and automatically lock for 25 minutes, or until you push a button. A beacon on the outside tells people it's occupied. Everything in the toilet is made of steel. Supposedly after so many uses, the doors shut by themselves when unoccupied and a high pressure sprinkler system on the inside goes off and hoses everything down.
These are great things to have in Seattle. Unfortunately, they're planted in just the right areas where homeless/crackheads use them to sleep and/or shoot up.

Awesome.

*And by me-time, I mean going to the bathroom you perves.

Humble Pie? How About F-You Cake?

For years now, including my time in the Army, I for some reason have always gotten flak about what I eat. Despite the fact that I consider myself fairly knowledgable in the areas of nutrition, I am treated by some people like I don't know how to wipe my own chin. For those of you who are unaware, my diet since I've left college usually consists of the following:

Breakfast - Whatever. Usually a handful of dry cereal, and/or pop-tart, and a diet soda.

Lunch - (In the Army, a cup of coffee) Usually Chef Boyardee Ravioli or Spaghetti-o's straight out of the can (yes, cold) with a dash of hot sauce, and if I'm lucky, and handful of Fritos. And a diet soda, or coffee.

Dinner - Bounces between two different menu items, unless I'm eating out.

Option 1 - Two packets of ramen mixed with two diced hot dogs, handful of fritos, and half a can of green beans. Diet coke.

Option 2 - Two El Monteray burritos, hot sauce, fritos, sour cream, and salsa. Diet coke.

Dessert? - Back in the Army I was eating a full two-layered cake a week. Seeing as how my exercise and stress levels have decreased since then, I don't do that much any more.

So how do I stay so healthy you ask? I'm not entirely sure. I still work out 3-5 time a week, and although I do take vitamin suppliments occasionally. However, comparing my caloric input v. output, the math just isn't right.

Okay, so all of this aside, I eat like a bird who has an apparent craving for starches, frtios and diet soda. But what it all boils down to is that you can mock me all you want about my "unhealthy choices", but I can still outrun, outpush, and out situp your ass anyday. So save that "eat a salad" crap for someone who's fat!

Take A Walk Down Grumpiness Lane

Most often you hear people say they need to go for a walk and "take inventory of what is good in their life". F-that. As I am a firm believer in the fact that life is good with the absence of pain, rather then the presence of good. Allow me to provide you the inventory of what pissed me off in the last 24 hours:

- Going to the store to buy one item, and I get behind a shopper who picked the farthest flung merchandise that didn't have a barcode

- The fact that only recently has the news started bringing up the idea of breeding licenses and/or parental training

- Being panhandled pretty much where ever I go in Seattle

- I STILL live next to a major road, and STILL have to listen to the sound of exhaust over-equipped vehicles burning up and down said road at 3 a.m.

- Toilet paper that doesn't rip evenly

- That I have a pretty low to nominal workload until about 3 p.m., then everything needs to be done immediately.

*Hm...only five I count off the top of my head, I know there must be more..

Things Occasionally Get Sticky

If you're ever bored and enjoy gaming, I would recommend checking out the simplest game there is on the Internet in terms of burning time and just letting go. KOL (Kingdom Of Loathing) was pointed out to me about alittle over a year back. I've beaten it several times while it was developing in its infancy, and now it's become alot bigger upon my return. They actually have a convention. Wow.

"Prepare To Meet Your Maker's Mark..."

So over the weekend of nuptial chaos, after attending a Greek wedding, I have discovered Jagermeister's evil twin brother. (By the way, GO to a Greek Wedding...they are off the hook!)

Ouzo has a similar taste to Jager only in the fact that it's not as harsh, and tastes alot more smooth. Despite the fact that I was about 2 sheets to the wind when I was coaxed (okay, I volunteered) to take two shots of the liquid, I could tell that this is definately not something you drink alot of. It had the evil, candy like appeal that many trouble causing liquors have, and it probably also didn't help that the bartender poured what looked to be a double shot of it. But what the hell, it was a party.

Suffice to say the next morning, waking up in the usual pattern of scattered clothing and a brief disbelief of where my car might be (don't worry..it was where it should have been), I still acknowledge that Ouzo still has the same hangover producing effects like most alcohols, only I was drunk until about 3 pm that day.

Nothing but water and vegetables for me today!