"It's Alittle Early To Be Gettin' Boozy Ain't It?"

I was comparing notes with a coworker earlier today about our drinking habits. We had both remarked how awesome it would be to have a "liquid lunch" (read: martinis) then come back to work and finish out the day with a good day drunk. Unfortunately, the environment we work in hardly lends itself to such an act.

I then think about at what point I truly began to really appreciate booze. At first, when I got my first bottle of sh*tty Smirnoff vodka from my coworkers for a 16th birthday present, it was exciting to hid it, and simply nip off it now and again. Fast forward to today, and it's immediately beer o'clock if I've had a day that isn't so good.

I think my drinking really hit it's peak after I left the Army and went to work as a store manager in training at f*cking Kmart (F*CK YOU KMART). Not only was I doing an unholy, easily hatable job....I was also, well, a manager at f*cking Kmart. (FYI. I typically Kmart as a bad word, and generally tend to preceed Kmart with any deliniation of the word f*ck). I think I was rollin' with about a fifth of UV Vodka every night after work, and let me tell you....the only thing worse than working retail during Christmas is working retail during Christmas while hungover. F*cking Kmart really increased my profound hatred for mankind.

One of the things I've discovered about my ability to drink is that I go from zero to blackout pretty quick. Gone are the days where I can be rip roaringly drink and remember it. So now, I'm mostly partial to light beers and ales (although Harp gives me a pretty unholy hangover). Don't get me wrong, I slurp on some Bushmills at any time possible, but that on the same note, is also the reason I don't keep hard alcohol in the house.

I understand that many people in the counseling and psychotherapy field view getting buzzed/drunk on a daily basis as "self-medicating" and generally frown upon the whole process. But going to be honest, when you've had half the sh*t jobs I've had, pretty much the only way to get through the day is dreaming of your first visceral beer belch (and hopefully some tasty wings to accompany said belch).

"Seriously, I Have Shackles In The Back...."

Although I don't go to the gym as often as I used to when I was in the military, I can say this about civilian gyms, it is waaaay more enjoyable from the eye candy point of view over military gyms. For those who don't know, the military has regulations for pretty much everything, including gym usage. If you're in the military and going to the gym, there are policies regarding what you can wear (PT uniform), can't wear headphones, etc.etc.etc. So as you can imagine, aside from a military gym being a complete sausage fest, it's pretty drab all around.

Civilians got it waaay better. And especially when I'm talking about women (because obviously I'm not looking at dudes, unless they're either A) screaming while lifting 1 ton or B) singing loudly to themselves while running on the treadmill), I'm talking about what they're wearing and what they're doing. So here's a few tips to the ladies out there about what's okay, and what's far from okay:

Tight Workout Clothes - While I'm still not entirely sure what the benefit of body hugging workout garments are, they're awesome...for the most part. Occasionally gym-goers tend to abuse this priviledge (and I'm talking about you fatty), but for the most part, it's a win-win for all parties involved. As far as I'm concerned, the tighter the better. Because you look good, and it makes me work out harder because I'm so angry you look good. Verdict: Ok.

Ponytails - Always a historical favorite among men, ponytails, especially when women are working out, are just awesome. Especially when they can get their hair to do that weird thing where the hair actually juts out from the head before falling down. Looks good on the street, looks great in the gym. Verdict: Really Ok.

Hairbands - Although probably unncessary given the proper ponytail, hairbands are also neat looking in that they convey a certain "I mean business" look to any woman stepping into the gym. Not tacky like an actual sweatband (which let's face it, the only people that wear that are guys who are out of shape and only play racketball), but still serves the function of allowing the wearer the optimal control of hair and potential sweat. Verdict: Ok.

Gray Sweatsuits - Nothing screams "I am so ashamed of my body" like a matched top and bottom in the baggiest material known to man. Anytime I see people wearing garbage like this, I have flashbacks to my awkward Junior High track days. Then I have images of said sweatsuit being stained with gravy, and not having been washed in weeks. Again, some people might need to wear this, but overall just unacceptable. If my pale a$$ legs can sport a pair of shorts, you can do better then this outfit made of blankets. Verdict: Not Okay



Bumpits - Okay. For the record, this fashion is absurd. While I understand that trends always come back 20 to 30 years after it was popular, the beehive and the giant hair, much like bellbottoms and day glow, should remain dead. And this crap has NO place at the gym. Seeing a woman with a bumpit working out tells me not only does she not care about putting any effort in, but she's also one of those "daddy didn't love me" girls who constantly need attention. Verdict: Super Not Okay



I could prattle on more about the gym, unfortunately, blogger doesn't lend itself well to adding additional pictures, so that's the end of that. Back to the grind as it were.

What Keeps Me Up At Nights...And Mornings... And Days

fig 1.1 - "Wow..it is actually cocaine in a can baby....."

Coffee is my main weapon of choice in fighting either early morning drowsiness or even the harsh effects of a hangover. Of course, hot bean water is only good until a certain point of the day, which is when I generally switch over to energy drinks.

Long time readers would know that I'm not stranger to my pure love of energy drinks (or intense hatred of FRS) and how I'm basically animated on caffine and hatred of the world.

I recently heard about this news story about teenagers stroking out to drinking energy drinks, which made me a bit paranoid at first. Why? I typically drink one a day. I know, probably a very moderate amount right? Well, not when you're talking about kids having strokes at 14 over drinking the stuff.

However, in reviewing alot of horror stories, it's typically a bunch of kids who get the crazy idea to drink six Red Bulls all at once. Nothing new under the sun, back in my college years, I remember hearing a news story about a guy who took a full bottle of No Doz and chugged a 2 liter of Mountain Dew. Same bad crap, just different details.

In fact sitting infront of me right now is the "Import Monster Energy" while I'm typing this up. Fortunately, it comes in a resealable can, which is good because I'm more of an energy-drink-nurser. Especially on days that I'm trying to come back from a hangover (like today).

Normally, like most things I love, would take this attack on energy drinks personally as this Parent-Driven Country continues to chip away at everything I like in an effort to childproof the nation (soon peanut butter will be illegal...just wait). However, looking at the potential benefits of energy drinks versus how many people it's killing, probably isn't worth it. I don't think I've ever heard of someone OD'ing on coffee, but energy drinks are entirely different monsters. And just like hot sauce becoming more and more hot, it's only a matter of time until manufacturers attempt to dump as much caffine into a can of soda as legally permitted.

And the fact that people now are actually eating caffine by the spoonful is just not shocking.

Bending Chaos To My Whim

In addition to this blog, I also professionally blog for a major website (and no, not white-rage ranting either). This weekend I received an email from someone who's had alot of experience in the field and gave me a compliment for "hitting the nail on the head". That's actually quite nice finally hearing some strong positive feedback about the articles I provide to this major company.....to help them get more 'net traffic......for free on my part. :/ Wait, what the hell am I doing?



Last Friday we interviewed an intern for a possible position at the organization I currently work with. Back in my HR job, I was actually charged with developing the internship positions for the company, so I'm not suprised that our HR turned up their noses at my idea. How can you as an organization not want this? Free labor and all you gotta do is train them! (And hopefully they're hot in the process)



In addition to that, I spent probably a good 6 hours on doing budget work, trying to figure out the expected revenue and expenditures for the next four months. Now forgive me that my crystal ball has run out of batteries, but I can't really put alot of faith into numbers that are three months out, and I'm hoping the bean-counters in accounting will forgive me if/when my numbers for that month are WAAAAAAAAAAAAY off.



Aside from all the work phone, I lost my cell phone in a (semi) drunken stupor weekend before last. Teemany martoonies (martini, dirty, 5 each) made me blank out and wake up at 800am the next morning. After conducting the post-blackout inventory for my crap, I realized my phone was long gone. Fortunately having a phone and SIM card lock on it, noone will discover my list of contacts as well as a small library of porn I kept on there (just for quick reference when I'm bored). I broke down and got a new phone, an Android to be a bit more specific. Other than the fact that I have big ol' bulky fingers and often type the wrong crap using a touchscreen, the phone is actually pretty handy. Never before have I been interested in the weather as much as I am now that it's only a button push away.



It's almost time to wrap up the work day for today (a handy 9 hour work day, per usual). Then tomorrow it's more meetings, more budget stuff, and as usual, day-to-day chaos! W00ty w00t w00t.

I'm So Sick

Been battling what I believe to be a sinus infection going on for about 5 days now. Fortunately it feels like the 3 day long headache is finally subsiding, which is good because the weekend is coming up.

Beyond that I can't say I've been doing much of anything beyond gaming, sleeping, working, working, working, eating, and going to the gym (on occasion). Looking back to my counseling sessions, I guess there's still a residual amount of mild depression, but hell, I've been dealing with that background noise for years now, nothing new. Being the naturally cynical (and witty) person I am, I honestly believe some people aren't meant to be all bubbles and sunshine all the time. Especially working in a corrections environment surrounded by a bunch of angry convicts.

I've stopped going to the ASL Community Class nights for several reasons. The first and obvious one is I pretty much have no local friends, nonetheless deaf ones. The other reason is deaf people are extremely clannish against people who are not deaf, which although they have been persecuted in American history (f**k you Alexander Graham Bell), it pretty not cool to hate me just because my ears work. Weak.

I was watching my new favorite show the other night (How I Met Your Mother) and saw an episode called "Okay Awesome" where Lily and Marshal decide they have to start acting older and more mature instead of going to crazy parties and doing keg stands in their spare time. There was one scene where Lily and Marshal were hosting two other couples that were talking about the real estate market and at one point, Marshal says something about babies (i.e. anchors in diapers) that blatantly upsets a woman who's pregnant. This reminded me alot of where I have been and where I am now in life. Yeah, I get it, people "grow up" and their priorities change to having family's, playing golf, and being f**king lame. Just because that's a fact of life doesn't mean I need to accept it. The plain truth is that if you end up getting married, having kids, and your immediately family becomes the epicenter of your life (and God forbid you post your kids pics as your profile pic on Facebook), you suck as a person. Plain and simple. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I get that family should come first, but isn't there a "second" in this equation? People that ditch their friends full out for their family's are no different then in high school when people ditched their friends for their new significant other. By doing so, you're pretty much pissing on everything that friendship was worth regardless of length (read: my local friend of 20 years who pissed on our relationship by selling his balls to his wife).

Anyway, I've probably ranted enough. It's now time for a quick energy drink before several tedious meetings, and a butt kicking trip to the gym. Doing legs tonight! Woo-hoo! (not really)

Why Am I So Angry?

It's funny because when I was going through my "unbridled rage" as a teenager, I always thought it would subside to a lower level after I grew up.

Hmm, now I'm 31 and still as angry as ever. Why you ask? Well it's very simple. I have a very low threshold for stupid people. Plain and simple. Is it because I think I'm better than most people? Maybe. More educated and more worldly? Probably. Not head-up-my-a** stupid? Yep. Now we're cooking.

Everything from mixed up Republican politics (read: any platform the Republicans stand for), to parents who shouldn't be parents (read: Duggars), to people who shouldn't be allowed freedom of speech (read: The Westboro Baptist "Church").

Now I can't stand to be angry all the time or else I'd topple over from stress before I'm 40. What do I like? Well, it's pretty scarce, but typically involves gaming, Jack-in-the-Box, porn, beer, fried bologna sandwiches, and chicks in boots. I'm very easy to please, and rightfully so. Stuck in a less than rewarding job in corrections, having pretty much no friends, and having mild IBS that can get bad enough to blow the toilet stall door off the hinges.

*Sigh* I miss this blog thing, it allows me to vent the stuff that pisses me off, and rave about the stuff I like. And allows me a medium to put down all the toilet humor I want.

Back to the beer!

Not What You Said Two "Status Updates" Ago

Several weeks ago during a freak snow storm, I ended up sliding my tiny little Prius into a curb at about 20 mph. I noticed immediately my alignment was off and didn't think much more of it, until I noticed my car would shake slightly at lower speeds.

Uh-oh.

So I dropped it off in the shop on Monday ( a certain dealership that rhymes with "hoyota") requesting an alignment and an oil change.

Phone call Monday: "Hello Azurael, I have a status update. It appears that [insert mechanical jargon here] is [insert damage jargon here]. We can't align it until we repair it. Total bill comes to $1200." To which I reply "ugh, okay....go ahead and fix it."

Phone call Tuesday: "Hello Azurael, I have a status update. It appears now that two of your wheel rims are bent. We can't balance your tired until we repair it. Total bill now comes to $2200 ." To which I reply "WOW. Okay...go ahead and fix them."

Phone call Thursday: "Hello Azurael, I have a status update. It appears your rear cross beam is [insert damage jargon here]. We still can't align it until we repair it. Total bill comes to $4800, and your car won't be ready for another 5 days." To which I reply "Holy f**k...okay, if I didn't authorize the repairs and drove it now would I die?" To which he replies "uhhhh...no?" To which I said "If I drive it, what WILL happen." To which he replies "You will burn through tires significantly." To which I reply "Okay. Fix it."

I immediately turned around and got my insurance company involved. $1200 I could do, $5000 I cannot do.

And for the record "hoyota", do you f**kers fix-as-you-go? Or do you actually complete a full inspection before beginning repairs?

Sweet Moses.

Roping It In

fig. 1-1 Maybe Reese Witherspoon's long lost cousin?

It's been a while of me neglecting my blog, for many, many, many various reasons. Looking over the past several posts, mostly it's been me grousing about the terrible facets of mankind that tend to rear their ugly head in the news, and the crazy followers who support them.

This was not my original intent of this blog. My intent was pretty much chronologicalize my day to day ongoings without giving up too much information (i.e. who I am...der).

So moving forward, I plan to return to the roots of this and trrrryyyy to post on a daily basis. So in the spirit of it, let's play catch up since I got canned from my previous job, which I had enough time TO blog everyday (canned in Nov of 2008? I'm too lazy to look at that posting right now).

• Unemployed for 10.5 months while I applied to over 600 jobs and have enough rejection letters to wallpaper my apartment (thanks to a Master's degree??)
• Got into the first non-fault car accident in my life (win-lose on this one)
• Moved back into an apartment building that isn't 1000 degrees in the summer, doesn't have people living above with concrete Reeboks, and isn't the size of a matchbox.
• Play unholy amount of Xbox (see unemployment)
• Been accused by the state of Missouri for owing an alleged $2500 in back taxes (although I was in the military at the time, and did not claim Missouri as my home state)
• Went to counseling for about three months after my drunken debautchery increased. Diagnosed with mild depression, anxiety disorder, and ....wait for it......mild substance abuse.
• Started smoking.
• Started smoking ALOT.
• Quit counseling due to 1) Not making progress fast enough and 2) my crappy insurance under my current employer doesn't provide enough coverage.
• Attempting to stop smoking and using the gut-churning Chantix.
• Saw Lacuna Coil twice in concert, and reveled in their awesomeness.
• MET Lacuna Coil and had Andrea Ferro hanging off my shoulder for a photo (awesomex2)
• Assaulted in the bathroom of one of my favorite bars (now ex-favorite bars)
• Ended up on a gurney with social services as a result of said assault
• Found a new bar
• Disowned a friend I've had for nearly 30 years due to him being a complete douche and completely whipped by his wife.
• Met a new friend, who is dubbed "Dude-Chick" for her ability to fart/burp in public and put most men to shame, but still look classy while doing so.
• Stopped self-mutilating....well, at least for now.
• Played more Xbox
• Became an Uncle once, with Uncle to the power of 3 happening soon (other brother is having twins)
• Almost got apprehended by the Seattle Police Department but talked my way out of it literally using Sign Language.
• Finished learning Sign Language. I can now converse with Deaf people pretty solidly.
• Got a job in the field of corrections. And in said job, was promoted within 6 months, then promoted again after alittle under a year.
• Let my workout routine fall of the wagon and under it's wheels.
• Hired a personal trainer to get me back on to the wagon one protein shake at a time.

So that brings us to today. Currently the only things rolling is my crazy day-to-day job in corrections, my sporadic work out sessions, and my dormant need for a cigarette which does nothing (f**king Chantix). My hopes are to get this blog back on track with alittle more than random posts about baby factories, people who complain about everything, and nutjobs...although that will be sprinkled in.

Oh, So NOOOOOWWWWW It's WRONG???

So I pretty much spewed my Sapporo beer after I read this article. So let me get this f**king straight. The crazy ass Westboro "Baptist Church" is allowed to protest funerals for soldiers killed in hideous acts of violence, and the mass of America says its "freedom of speech", but one child dies in a gun shooting, and NOW they ban these heretical a$$clowns from funerals????

Now before you freak out, don't get me wrong. Children NEVER deserve to die. There is nothing worse in this world. But how f**ked is America that it would turn it's back on soldiers that are fighting for a cause, but get all uppidty when a childs funeral is going to be picketed??

Sweet crap, this country really is run by a bunch of parents, and not parents of soldiers.

You New Age Parents Are F**KING SH*T UP!

Just when I think sh*t cannot get any more unbelievable, this kind of f**ked up mess happens. San Franciso, a city that I normally would associate with freedom of choice, has decided that the only way to curb childhood obesity, is to just ban Happy Meals, through the clever targeting of the toys which are usually the best part of it (because let's face it, the burger is always cold and a bit soggy...gross). So now, this new legislation states:

"In order to include a toy with purchase, these new, unhappier meals must meet a checklist of nutritional requirements (PDF):
• The meal can't exceed 600 calories• Less than 35 percent of the calories can come from fat (nuts, nut butters, low-fat cheese excepted)• It's required to have a half cup of vegetables• Breakfast meals are required to have a half cup of fruit• Sodium limits• A multigrain requirement"

Ahem...allow me to climb on my desk for this response. HALF A CUP OF F**KING VEGETABLES??? And can't exceed 600 calories?? My morning dump consists of AT LEAST 1000 calories.

It's funny. My intense hatred of obese people consistantly requires me to review all the research and findings on what is causing this nationwide. Nowhere, have I seen that McDonald's is exclusively responsible for the fattening of children. Other than that a$$hole that decided to eat fast food for 30 days in a row (which is obviously f*cking stupid to begin with), there has been no reason to fire these rounds down on McDonald's.

Furthermore, shouldn't legislation be targeted at the dead-beat f*cking parents who take their kids to McDonald's everyday to begin with? The kids certainly don't have the income to waltz over and order a triple cheeseburger.

So now that parents don't want to do their job anymore, they're punishing the majority by simply changing the rules because it's apparently easier. This is a the same sh*t that ruined getting my food super sized.

My recommendation? It is what it has always been, people should be required to get a license before breeding. Why? Because it's pretty f*cking obvious that people aren't prepared to be in charge of another human being.

All the parents who arn't fit to be parents, GET ON THE WHEEL. As for me, I'm going to send a message by eating a Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger, smoke a cigarette, and pound a bottle of wine.