There Are 670 Types of Cheese In The World!

But the question related to this factoid is...why?

This Cyber Sucks

Some random items I hate on the Internet:



- That stupid animated dancing baby

- The Mentos & Diet Coke - Yes, we all got it...it gets really fizzy

- Spam - I'm tired of being told that I'll receive 2.5 million by a man in Zimbabwe if only I give him my entire bank porfolio

- Lowermybills.com - They're the ones responsible for the irritating animated ads...go to MSN.com if you really want to see more

- Spam Again - No, I really didn't win an Internet lottery, and no, I don't want a bigger wang

- The "Order Now" Button - The button with the specific instructions not to hit twice, but it usually freezes up after you only push it once

- YouTube Videos of Babys - Really! They're not funny!

- Web boards - Because people that post here have yet to realize the futility of debating on the Internet

- Web based video games - I hate the idea of me being beaten at a game by a 13 year old that refuses to go to school so that he can call me a "stupid noob" instead

Take That NOOB

To keep today short, I just want to send praise to every designer for first person shooters. From the old-school Castle Wolfenstein to today's Quake & Half Life, nothing says stress relief then shredding characters at point blank range with massive, unlogistically acceptable weapons.

Boooyah!

Is Paris Burning?

Hell yes!

I love watching the rich cry, especially because there are worse places to be going then a jail.

Theory - The Master Dentist

Dentistry is one of the few professions where the actual practicer must rely on peers from the same field to assist them. Mechanics can fix their own car, doctors can diagnose themselves, and carpenters can build their own shelving.
I would submit this stream of logic:

- Every dentist wants to go to someone equal or superior to them (because they know what good and bad dentistry looks like and what it can do)

- Unless they mutually support one another, that dentist that does work on one dentist, is in turn seen by a "better" dentist.

- Each dentist that works on a dentist, sees a "better" dentist.

- Inevitably, climbing the pyramid, you will get to the Master Dentist

Proposed Profile of the Master Dentist (MD):
- MD's tools taste like candy and are thrown away after one use
- MD's office has shag carpeting and a live band
- MD's dental chair is made by Lay-Z-Boy
- MD's gloves smell like fresh cinnamon roles
- MD can pull a tooth with his mind

Looking Up From The Flat of My Back

So today was tooth cleaning after yesterday's awesome news of no cavities (that the Army originally convinced me that I had 3). So I would like to share in bullet format the thoughts of my dental fun:

1) For once, I would like to go to a cleaning, and not get a lesson on how to floss

2) a. Me laying down and a hot girl with rubber gloves looming over me = Good
b. Me laying down and a hot girl with rubber gloves and a dental pick looming over me = bad

3) If the hygenist asks what kind of toothpaste you use, never say "the one that's on sale".

4) There is nothing more humbling then watching the dentist pick out a piece of last night's bean burrito from behind your wisdom tooth and wiping it on your paper bib.

5) All teeth professionals (dentists, orthodontists, dental hygenists, etc) HATE wisdom teeth. You'd think at some point growing up, a wisdom tooth pimp slapped their mother.

6) Next time you have a mouthful of teeth cleaning goodness, right before they suck it out with the straw...swallow it and immediately sit up and ask "holy crap that burns like hell!"

7) Take a short piece of floss and stick it between two molars. Then wait and find out how long it takes them to find it.

8) Why is there coffee & cookies in the waiting room of the dentist? I'm sure the dentists don't appreciate a freshly-coffee-hosed set of teeth

9) People would like dentists more if they gave nitrous regardless of the procedure

10) I would give mad props to the dentist office that used bacon flavored flouride

Dentistry in a War Zone?

Dear Army Dental Corps,

I wanted to take this moment to thank you for the past 25 years you've provided me with dental care.

Every time I was told I didn't need Novocaine because a cavity wasn't that deep, and you ended up hitting a nerve. Or every time I went in for what I thought was a cleaning, and it ended up being some painful procedure. I will miss all of these moments.

I remember my fond memory of my last routine check up with one of your fine dentists. I was told I had three cavities and that they needed to be filled immediately. It's funny now because I just saw my first civilian dentist for a check up (which might I add, had a VERY hot dental assistant - which up until this time I was lead to believe that only old & ugly women could do this). Apparently those cavities have magically healed, and I'm only in need of a tooth cleaning, which I've been told if I'm concerned about the pain, they'll give me nitrous.

Once again, I appreciate the cost-cutting, let's-get-through-ten-more-soldiers-before-lunch scheme of no pain management. I will miss it tearfully, or rather lack thereof.

Bite my butt,

(former) Captain Azurael

Never A Smooth Transition

Changing out from military to civilian life, there are many things to get used to when dealing with non-military. One of the biggest ones is the fact that civilians don't have the same concept of time when dealing with deadlines like military do. Where as any soldier would show up roughly 10 minutes before a meeting would start, civilians usually tool through the door anywhere from start time to 10 minutes after. Even if the meeting was how to live forever, people would still come walking, not hurrying mind you, walking through the door.
Then on my way to work this morning, I found myself battling with a pretty startling epiphany as I drove by the golf course at 7:30am:

"I bet those fuckers are early for tee time"

Invention - The ShutDown Button

Everyone who ever goes to bars has been in the similar situation of being accosted by an endless stream of crappy music from a juke box. And the bad music never comes in the form of one or two songs, it usually the person with the worst taste in music AND approximately $10 in quarters that they have decided to sink entirely into the complete discography of Meatloaf.
Now there is an invention to fight back against this. Some bars are actually outfitted with a device that allows the bartender to override the jukebox and skip to the next song. I'm sure it's called the "keep sanity" button in which it prevents the bartender from having to hear Freebird 5 times an hour.
The shutdown button is simple. Every table and/or stool in the bar is equipped with a switch, which can be turned on or off by the bartender (or possibly turned on by a pressure plate when the individual sits down). Once the button has been activated, it now is connected directly to the jukebox.
If an individual then decides to play, oh I don't know, Achy Breaky Heart, and the entire bar wants to kill him, this is how the shutdown occurs.
For example, if 10 people are in a bar, they each have a button. If they hear said song, if at least 5 people push their button, the music shuts off and skips to the next song. If all 10 people push their button, then the jukebox (especially designed) will recognize the fingerprints of the individual, and block them from choosing music for a 24 hour period.
A loose design on the idea of popular vote, but the next time a crappy song (or series of crappy songs from the same crappy genre) is played...just look around and see how many people cringe. And if you see a college girl flash the sign of the devil and go "whooo", then you know you're fucked.

Pointless Musings

Made a visit out last night to see ol' Bogey at the Indian resturant bar. I passed this time on one of his "5 alcohol" drink delights, and instead settled for something that I was pretty confident I'd drink slowly. And I did. Either because I ordered something I don't usually drink (vodka & tonic) or because I was still somewhat hungover from the previous night (Idol Vodka is smoother then it should be). Suffice to say, in my ramblings with my friends and some of their friends that I met in the process...I had several of the following epiphanys:

1) Guns & Fuck - Every man is entirely drawn to movies that contain one of two or both things. Either the movie has guns, or the word fuck is used at least once. Suffice to say, this not only shows that certain things are linked genetically, but also that three little words like this would look great on a t-shirt.

2) The Free Shot - Even if a person, mostly guys again in this case, were on the verge of barking their brains out due to having too much to drink, rarely will someone turn down a free shot. Either from another friend, or from the bartender themself.

3) Crappy Jukebox Music - It's essentially a given that if someone who has a poor choice in music is plugging into the jukebox, the odds are usually in their favor that they sank a good $10 into it, and it's all from the exact same genre you hate.

I know I had more epiphanys last night, but I lacked the pen-and-paper-napkin combo to record them with.