Not Of This World

Along time ago when I was living the great area of Northern Idaho, I had thoughts of living in Seattle. Liked the idea of rain and less than alot of sun.

After several sweltering summers and winters in Missouri, I REALLY wanted to live in Seattle.

And after Iraq, hands down, need overcastness, mild climates, and rain.

Fastforward several years....yeah, I'm done liking Seattle. And you know, it's not really the city itself that I don't like. I actually like the infrastructure of the city. The small neighborhoods, the ranging types of terrain, and a crazy a$$ amount of trees.

No, it's not the city...it's the f**king people. Crackie after crackie, bum after bum, I begin to loathe this place more and more.

But who I am to drone on in narrative? Get your guns cause I got the bullets.

I don't belong in Seattle because:

Food

- If I can't pronounce it, I'm (probably) not going to put it in my mouth. Pear–jicama slaw or Kurobuta bacon? Seriously?

- I refuse to pay $2 more for an onion that is organic, and not treated with pesticides. I mean seriously, it grew in the ground.

- Foodies. Aka, people that looooove food. (read: faaaaaat)

- A f**king farmers market at 6 pm on a Thursday evening right up the street near my apartment? Seriously? WHO DOES THAT?

- Cupcakes. Huge in Seattle. And expensive in Seattle.

Booze

- Drinking an IPA tastes like I juiced 20 pounds of hops and chugged it under 3 seconds. Seriously guys, remember the days when beer wasn't supposed to be bitter? Your "microbrew" tastes like the brewer took a majorduke in it.

- Bars. Expensive. $20 drinks? Yeah, they exist. And no, they don't come with a set of car keys or a pretty girl.

- Not found in strip clubs. And no, I don't want a gross lap dance or a $5 coke.

- Wine bars, much worse. Appetizers (again, made of literally the unpronouncible) that are about $100, and a glass of wine that costs three times as much as the bottle? How about no?

- The people of Seattle have decided in their finite wisdom that liquor laws need to keep booze in the hands of the state, and not the grocery store. Parents...if you're kids are going to get booze, they're not going to swipe it from the store, they're going to get a buyer.

Pet Owners (i.e. just the dog owners)

- I don't have a dog. And if I did have a dog, I wouldn't do what 99% of Seattle dog owners would do, and f**k my dog in the a$$ every chance I got.

- "Wag More"? What the f**k does that bumper sticker mean? Oh yeah, I don't f**k my dog.

- Bars are for people. Stores are for people. Restaurants are for people. NOT DOGS. And no, if that is your "service dog", show me it's f**king papers.

- Yes, I said "it". Your dog is not equal to a human.

Sports

- The University of Washington Huskies. Yes, I will relent, they are a good football team. Will I call them a "Dawg"? No. Will I ever place any interest into any college sports? F**k no.

- I was glad to see the Sonics go. In fact, I wish I could have been the proverbial doorman to hold the proverbial door from hitting their actual asses on the way out.

- I hate the Mariners. They are terrible at baseball.

- I hate the Thunderbirds. Did you know Seattle had a pro-hockey team? Yeah, neither did I until I googled "Seattle professional hockey team".

- I hate the Sounders. They are terrible at soccer.

- And no, nobody likes soccer. And I get that the rest of the world likes soccer, but it's because the majority of it is poor, and can only afford a patch of grass and a soccer ball.

People

- I'm a pretty liberal person here, but sweet crap, some people here make me look like Ghengis Khan. (And no, I'm obviously not for "medicinal marijuana")

- If I smell patchouli one more time, I swear to Moses I will black out and wake up surrounded by dead hippies.

- Gay pride parade. Let me caveat by saying, all people have the right to live the way they want to. That being said, gay and lesbian community, you'll probably get your equal rights and respects a bit sooner when you're not prancing down the street dressed wearing ass-less chaps and looking like a scene from Caligula.

- There's a legion of cyclists here. But no, not the Lance Armstrongs that train to compete nationally and internationally. They're typically unshaven, kinda fat, ignore traffic laws including helmets, and apparently are just DYING for an excuse to shave their legs like some weirdo freak.

- People cannot drive in Seattle. Apparently in city limits, turning on your hazards means you can park anywhere. Turn signals and speed limits? Totally optional.

- I will never be able to blend a guy who has crack-induced-Parkinson's into the background. I find it repulsive and viscerally disturbing everytime.

- I don't give bums money, because the idea is that they will go away after a while.

Starbucks

- Your coffee is over roasted, over priced pee water.

- If your brand is working so well, why do you have to own Seattle's Best all sneaky like?

There's more. Hell, I learn something new I hate about this city everyday....but this blog is already too long.