Iceburg Off The Front Bumper!

So in light of the fact that I have to venture through the Cascades tomorrow, through holiday traffic and crap tons of snow an ice, I've put the blogging on hold for today. Also because I'm hoping I can get out of here early.

On the forefront of my mind is pretty much hoping I don't end up careeing off the road into a ditch tomorrow on my quest to go home.

Here's to ya!

Welcome To Azurael's World (Part 1)

fig. 1-1 The official womens wear for my country.

So many people say "if I ruled the world", but usually only at a time when they're getting pissed off about something (i.e. traffic jams, taxes). I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that's seriously thought about how I'd run a country (not the world because who seriously wants to handle that mess?). While I really don't have the time during my blogging time to write out entire levels of government and exacting laws, I can put down bullets of information about the general gist of "Azurael Land".

National Budget

- No foreign country gets any monetary aid until we fix our own crap.

- Senators & Congressmen cannot approve their own raises.

- A National Lottery will be implimented, and only those with a yearly income of less then $70,000 can compete.

Education

- Universities and colleges will be monitored by the state, and cannot increase enrollment fees except to compensate for inflation.

- Schools who participate in team sports will receive no state or federal funds. Only schools that foster individual sports will receive support.

- All funds freed up from the pit that is team sports will be reinvested into teacher's pay, teaching materials, and after school programs.

- Any teacher or group that strikes will have their teaching certificate revoked permanently. You do not become a teacher to get rich.

Military

- In order to receive citizen status, all individuals will be required to serve 2 years in any branch of the military.

- Those who do not serve are not allowed to vote, buy alcohol, work for the government, receive any monetary aid from the government, or breed.

- During times of war fighting organized militaries, the Geneva Convention will be strictly enforced.

- During times of war fighting terrorists, the Geneva Convention will be completely ignored.

- The military will at all time keep giant stocks of napalm, flamethrowers, and Agent Orange.

Law

- Juries will be comprised of professionals trained in criminal justice and understand the system and its quarks thoroughly. Unlike todays panel of complete idiots.

- In the evidence that video or DNA evidence can accurately identify the suspect, the suspect will be immediately sentanced and ineligible for appeals.

- All prisions will be maximum security & solitary confinement. They will also be located 1/2 mile below ground, and can be flooded in the event of a riot.

- All justice officials (i.e. police, judges, political figures) who commit crimes will be subject to double punishment.

Sports

- Pro-sports teams would not exist. Period.

- Individual sports would be encouraged.

Arts

- Abtract art will be considered disturbing the peace, and ticketed accordingly.

- Interpretive dance will be considered assault on each person who witnesses it.

- Jazz will be considered an atrocity.

---More to come later!

Working In A Paper Mine

And in usual business model-manner, the superiors waited until the last minute to drop a giant project bomb on me as it relates to the budget and all departments.

Suffice to say no witty entry today, as I'll be busy as the above depicted creature.

When It Doubt, Let The Crazy Out

Whenever I'm asked a question about benefits or insurance I don't understand, I just counter with this.

I Can Has Life Insurance?

fig 1-1. What I wake up to every morning.

So as noted last week, I had almost 100% triumphantly conquered enrolling an entire company by myself in several fields of benefits. I had that stomped flat today when I realized that I was sitting on the enrollment materials for a new life insurance carrier that arrived late last week. So now I'm playing the "hurry up and sign game" all over again. Gee whiz, thankfully it's something piddly like life insurance that I'm herding employees through the enrollment process.

On top of that, I learned something quirky about my cats. I learned that they now are familiar with the sound of my cell phone alarm I use to wake up in the morning. Typically set early morning so I can go to the gym, if I decide not to go and they hear it anyway, they usually end up kicking down the door and running all over me until I have no other choice then to get up.

This weekend is off to an awesome start. Ugh.

Fine Print On The Brain

So those of us who have a medical insurance policy, or a car insurance policy, or a homeowners insurance policy, or whatever, knows how bad it is to collect, compile, understand, and complete these policies.

Now...imagine that on a scale whereas you're doing it for about 50 people...and oh by the way, it's for about 5-7 different policies.

I just completed that and now it's time for a drink.

Oh yeah, and if you have an HR person, thank them.

Firing A Gun With No Site

So I'd like to talk about the 10 Bad Karma points I accumlated while driving to work today, then justify removing some of those points in defense of my actions.

So the story goes like this. I'm barrelling down the carpool lane going about 40. Each lane to either side of me is back up with cars, and nobody's really moving. Up ahead on my left hand side I notice a grey SUV positioned as to trying to pull out into my lane. Initially I notice the car is stopped, presuming that the driver has seen me and is waiting until I pass. I get to within no more then 100 feet of the car when it begins to pull out again. Immediately (and due to almost being driven off the road by a semi less then 1 minute earlier) I slam on the horn and as soon as I'm window to window with the SUV, I fire off my One Fingered Hand Cannon (i.e. flipped 'em off).

Justifiable? Possibly had it been a man. It was what appeared to be a mother driving, and in the passenger seat (most closest to my car) was what looked to be a female passenger no older then Jr. High age.

Crap. I just blasted through a daughter to get to her mother. I feel bad. Allow my mind to dissect this one against the -10 to my Karma Balance I have just incurred.

- Operator of the vehicle in question was driving in such a manner as to possible provide to me and my passenger the greater chance of serious bodily injury, loss of life, and/or serious damage to personal effects Remove 5 negative Karma Points

- Passenger of the vehicle has an intrinsic obligation to warn said operator of the vehicle when it is clear to proceed, merge, or otherwise turn to a location where the possibility of a collision may occur Remove 2 negative Karma Points

- There was no Mens Rea of myself in firing upon or through a minor in order to display discontent or anger towards the other operator of the vehicle. Further more, said display of finger will not only desensitive possible future operator to the rules of the road, it will also cement in her mind how her mother operated the vehicle incorrectly Remove 1 negative Karma Point

*So, I end up after all of it with negative 2 Karma points. I figure that's worth a parking ticket or a really bad cold sore.

There's A Bug In My Hum

So despite my lack of festive cheer for...well pretty much any holiday, I thought I'd throw up about one of the several "classic stories" that I find to be pretty biased according to today's social standards.

The story in question is A Christmas Carol written by Charles Dickens. Now, I caveat by saying in no way to I challenge the mastery of Dickens' writing abilities. I'm sure even with the best inspiration I couldn't hold a candle to his ability to tell a story. However, it's the crux of the story I'd like to talk about.

To me this story represents the mob mentality that is holidays, I will break down elements of Scrooge's character and justify this to present day:

#1 - Scrooge hates Christmas - Does this necessarily make him a bad person? Essentially, the whole story centers around this idea, and thus justifies the torment in one night that befalls him. On the inverse, why does a "bad" guy get a second chance at life, but a good guy gets screwed from the very beginning (i.e. Tiny Tim). And on top of this, I worked retail for one holiday season, and I'm pretty sure my disgust with the merriment is colossally larger then this character's ever was.

#2 - Scrooge works his employees on Christmas Day - So? Starbucks works their employees on Christmas Day. Some would argue this immoral (or as I call it, F#(king wrong), others would say this is a business savvy approach to getting work done on an off day. What is considerably evil in this book is considered "fantastic" by your atypical, jack-hole consumer.

#3 - Scrooge keeps little heat in his office and home - Any person who's ever had a father knows about the constant thermostat power struggle. No grown man likes to spend money on heat. Durr.

#4 - Scrooge eats gruel every night, presumably to save money - And? I've been eating top ramen typically at every dinner for years to save money. Does that mean it's okay for poltergeists to haunt the hell out of me every night?

#5 - Scrooge radically underpays his employees - Reference #2, pretty much at least 50% of the current day workforce feels their underpaid. Hey Cratchet! Quit that s#*t job and get a new one! Durr!

#6 - Scrooge loathes the poor and is in favor of Victorian Workhouses - Okay...let's dissect this. For anyone who has lived in a large city with a poor population, it only takes a couple of months before you're pretty much tired of being panhandled and seeing them piss on the side of buildings or in open parking lots. Workhouses where they earn a keeping? Hm. That idea sounds far from wicked. I would support a system where the under privileged worked for their sustenance before I'd just dol out money to someone sitting around. And hey, the Army is always hiring!

#7 - Scrooge doesn't give to charity - Alright, the fact that someone doesn't give to charity doesn't make them a bad person. Furthermore, have you ever tried giving to a charity in a non-anonymous manner? The charity itself will haunt you until you're dead and gone.

#8 - Scrooge continually pushed back his marriage until he had the desired level of finances (and ultimately got dumped) - AKA building a nest egg. I've seen plenty of marriages that lacked financial strength, but for some reason went through anyway because "they loved each other and that's all that mattered". And now those marriages live at their parents house.


Bottom line - History has skewed the "demonic" traits of this character. Could it be that society is losing this ethical threshold? Or could it be because everyone so so damned loaded with Christmas cheer that they have to push it on others? Hmmm....

Deep Fried Goodness

So in light of recent, healthier changes to my diet, I stop from time to time and reflect on what my diet consisted of during the great Army days when I was working near around the clock and burning calories like no end.

I can remember one time after running 18.6 miles to get the coveted Germed Armed Forces Military Efficiency Badge, I ate an entire large pizza by myself and polished it off with a six pack. (Which for a 145 lb. guy at the time, that's pretty impressive)

Or another time when I ate almost three "Hungry Man" dinners. Talk about marketing irony.

That's why such things like cup o noodles and all other bite size sample foods (i.e. pizza rolls, pez) just piss me off. Why can't we make them enormous size? Jim Gaffigan brought up a good point about the industry size of ketchup packets. Why that much? It's never enough!

Anyway, I'm pretty much rambling because I've been kneedeep in insurance sign-ups here at work for going on two weeks. Might take a while to get my blogging mojo back.

Until then, I'll have the #6 large with a diet, no mustard!

FRS - They Gone And Made Me Dood It

So in an exciting new catagory for my blog, I will now be submitting product reviews from time to time to talk about the good, bad, and ugly items that I stumble across in my daily ritual of life.

I'm not so much starting this category because I thought it was a good idea, I'm doing it because the FRS energy drink disturbed me so much I realized that there is a need for it. To assist others in not making the same mistakes I am. Remember ya'll, Caveat Emptor.

So let's talk about FRS, the energy drink in question. I was lead to buy this product because the Supplement Facts is a mile long and provides everything from Vitamin C to Vitamin B12. It even provided a certain amount of dietary Fiber...which if you know as much about nutrition as I do, will find it odd fo find dietary fiber in an energy drink. I was honestly excited to finally find a drink that would ramp me up and was good for me.

I was wrong.

When I opened it, I immediately noticed the color of the product (I bought the lemon/lime flavor) was a light, foggy green. Almost looked like swamp water. That's when the smell hit me. It smelled like lemon, lime, and something akin to something that was left in the refridgerator far too long. The taste was even worse. It tasted like tangy feet.
Now I like to think I have exotic tastebuds because I'll usally try to do anything about once, but drinking this energy drink was actually me forcing myself to drink it because I loathe the idea of pissing away $1.99 just because I bought a can of swamp piss.

Only after I logged onto their site did I realize the stuff was endorsed by Lance Armstrong. Now don't get me wrong, I think Lance is a the epitome of strength and endurance, but I wonder if he's tasted this stuff. I doubt even his superhuman body could take more then a couple cans of this tree-crap puree.

1m Teh HR N00bz0r

I unfortunately have nothing creative to say today because I've spent the past four days rehiring everyone in my company. We were recently acquired by another company, so that means we "fire" everybody, then "hire" everybody back under the new name.
I'm sure this would be a breeze for a seasoned HR professional. For this n00b, man, I got pwned.

"I Will Be Here...Waiting For You..."

Chaos at work ladies and gents, I shall return....

"Don't Go Quoting Dicken's In My Apartment!"

Oregon-B can and went, and in light that it's busy at work, I can sum up our weekend in the following manner:

• Got plastered
• Went to a booty barn (strip club)
• Played Xbox until 6am
• Watched dirty movies while telling dirty stories
• Got plastered some more
• At a crapton of nasty food

And all is well.