I Know That Smell....

Over a month into my unemployment "bliss" and hating every minute of it. 

Don't get me wrong, not having to get up at the butt crack of dawn to go to work isn't bad. That's actually the highlight of being jobless. It's the employment searches that drives me bananas.

Looking through job postings, I've found a long time ago that companies are just asking for absurdity at best when they're developing or hiring new job roles.

I have a Dual Masters in Human Resources, which you figure would be enough to land me at least the bottom of the barrel HR jobs (i.e. specialist, generalist, etc.). Not quite. Most places, while requiring a Bachelors, typically ask for 5-10+ years HR experience. Even better, they typically tend to throw in "oh yeah, you gotta have payroll processing experience too...".

Okay numbnuts, HR professionals don't typically have accounting experience. Why? Because that's just a whole different field. It's called accounting.

No, I'm not fluent in Sanscrit. No, I don't use Quickbooks. And hell no, I don't have a SHRP (because I figure an actual education, and not some store bought certification carries more weight).

And as for benefits, casual dress, "fun work environment", and a "competitive salary" (i.e. $1 higher than minimum wage) are not actual benefits.

Good gravy I never should have left the Army. Civilians don't know their ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to career progression.

Shit Canned!

Well, long time passing. Ended up getting canned all over the place last Friday.

Might be a bad thing? Not really on my end.

For the three years I worked for my employer, I've seen a countless number of idiotic decisions made at the Corporate level, and I almost say with a bit of humor that I was absolutely relieved to be canned. Furthermore when I was told I'd continue to get paid through the end of the month, and that my unemployment claim would go unchallenged (like I needed that seeing as how I've destroyed every HR professional I've bumped heads with).

That being said, my team is sadly left behind to deal with the dumbest leadership on the face of the planet. That bums me out to no end because they work hard on a daily basis, they deserve alot better than that.

Enter: the employment underground. I'm going to assist them in whatever way possible to locate different employment, thusly leaving my previous job a giant, air sucking hole in the ground.

W00t!

What Now Shall We Do?

fig. 1-1. Yes, Fiverr is addictive

So big heaping pile of bad at work. I've been placed on administrative leave (paid...thank God) because I showed up to a staff meeting after a reasonable night of drinking. Apparently the smell of booze on you is never a good thing to have at work. Neat....

So before returning to work, I have to undergo a Drug and alcohol assessment. Not to say I'm going to blow the doors off the assessment, but I quote the Joker in that "wait until they get a load of me."

Time Don't Stop...And Neither Does My Cynical Nature....

Fellow readers.

First and foremost, apologies for my spotty posts. As you've read sporadically, I've been going through what I can describe as the best (coughcoughworstcoughcough) year of my life.

That being said, I'm still committed to sharing the wealth of my hatred of all things humanity as ever.

Do I have more empathy for those that have suffered personal loss? Yes. Do I have my sympathy for those who struggle? Without question.

Will I no longer rip on people who have too many kids, eat way too much, or get away with crimes unpunished? No f**king way.

Help me help you. ;)

I'm Back...And I Brought Friends......

Yeah, I found Fiverr.com, and I've decided to give it a whack.

In this, I found a Scotsman with a dulcet voice who read one of my previous rage posts. Found here.

Damn. Everything does sound better in Scottish....

fig. 1-1. Yeah....my job.

Best day ever (*fart noise).

Received the 2nd write up (within two weeks) from my son-of-a-bitch boss for basically nothing within my control.

How is it, as a leader, can I be held accountable for something my staff does at 3am in the morning? If they decide to tapdance up and down the street naked smearing their bodies with green jello (which didn't happen, just trying to make a point), that can't be my fault.

My new boss is one of the classic leadership failures "the-beatings-will-continue-until-morale-improves", and has me on a 30 day Performance Action plan...which I, having a dual Master's in HR knows of as the Kiss of Death.

NOBODY ever lives through a corrective action plan. Those things are court documents that show that they "tried" to make things better.

Got an idea bitch, instead of writing me up and tell me what's broke, why don't you be proactive and tell me how to fix it?

F*cking Human Beings.

Dubbya-Tee-FRENCH??

fig. 1-1. Heh?

Blogger fans.

Apologies for the lack of a presence, but ALOT of sh*t has happened and I'm finally crawling my sad-ass out of the depths of despair...(empowering right? ;)

Soooo, let's play catch up bullet style!

• Dad died. (Rest In Peace Dad....you were my greatest hero, and I'm bent on making you proud)
• Uncle...Dad's twin brother died (Rest in Peace Uncle...I love you because you made Dad so happy)
• Received my first complaint from the EEOC (apparently, you cant fire a black woman...EVER)
• Received my first write-up in my entire professional career (yeah, done poorly I might add)
• Started therapy again (weeeee! I made my therapist do a spit take!)
• Tried to figure out this new blogger format!

That all being said, I'm committed to delivering to you my daily rants about all the b.s. that happens in this world, along with shameless pics and stories of women in boots, spandex, latex, and just everything that awesome.

Guess what.....I'M BACK BITCH!

Azurael

Can't Stop, Won't Stop...Wirka Wirka!

I'm comin' back bitches...and I'm more cynical then ever.... ;)

Should We Really Be Shocked By This?

Finally....finally, finally, finally...

In this story, the Duggar's (aka Baby Factory and Crappiest Parents Alive) latest pregnancy ended up in miscarriage.

Now I could go completely un-pc right now, and just eviscerate them in every sense possible with an "I finally told you so" the size of a planetoid. But it's just too easy.

Here's an idea, you have 19 kids. STOP BREEDING.

Man...Bachelorhood Blows...

So last week I posted a few semi-insane posts (can't...post...while...drunk) that only followers who receive my posts via email were "lucky enough" to receive.

Everyone else was spared from what was supposed to be the cynical, semi-laughable posts which I ordinarily shoot for. Whether it's ripping on fat people, or making fun of products (Snuggie) that (Snuggie) shouldn't (Snuggie) exist (Snuggie), I try to keep my posts pointed and at least able to arouse a dark hearted chuckle at least every now and again.

A couple of weeks ago, my significant other moved out leaving me to my own devices in a huge apartment. While I certainly enjoy not having to eat over the sink, and spitting in the shower, it's been a pretty long time since I was living on my own (try since 2005) so it's still a pretty big spinning ball to grasp.

The light side is that I'm no longer required to game in my nerd cave on my tiny 27" CRT tv, but instead, can game on the 42" plasma in the living room. I can eat Jack In The Box every night of the week (although, I wouldn't try it and/or recommend it), and I can burp as loudly as I want.

The obvious downside is that it takes time to get used to living alone again. I remember when I first joined the Army and it was my first time living alone. It was terrifying at first as I was living in a two bedroom town house (with 2 floors...get this, $425 a month...but again... it was the middle of Missouri), but after a while, it was totally my fortress of solitude. Despite the lack of furniture and the fact that I lived there 2 years before I bought a vacuum, it was the pimpinest bachelor pad ever.

The take away? If you're soon going to be living on your own...hang on tight!....And buy an Xbox!