'Merica!

Ugh.

With the incident that occurred today in Boston, there are few certain things that will happen as the result:

1) Trolls will be flooding the forums on the Internet to make this nothing except being politically related.

2) Conspiracy theorists will blame the government for doing this (because yeah, that makes alot of fucking sense)

3) Scammers will come out of their holes and bilk innocent people out of money that they think is being donated to the Red Cross.

4) We'll find out who did it.

*Sigh* Well, one out of four ain't bad I guess.

And Jesus Wept....

  Still on the job hunt and no dice whatsoever.....shocking. I have, however, had the chance to meet with two fellow ex-coworkers from my previous employer. I noticed, in talking with them, that at any point in our discussion about our terminations....they never referred to it as "being fired" or what not, but rather just flat out called it "getting fucked over".

Hmmm....yeah, that's about right.

  As the job hunt dredges on, I haven't found myself to the point of desperation where I'll sell out for minimum wage and work a shit job in the hopes of getting promoted up the food chain quickly. That being said, I've had some wacky inspirations to return to the workforce in the following ways:

• Join the French Foreign Legion (although my High School French is a bit spotty, I hear those guys'll take anyone....although I would kindly decline the French citizenship that comes with it...because...well fuck, it's France.)

• Teach English over in Eastern Europe (although my classic combination of the hatred of people, lack of overseas travelling experience, and getting paid in who know's what currency doesn't excite me)

• Become a private security member aka a mercenary (although I already did submit my application a few days ago and am waiting a reply. I absolutely cu-uh-rushed the minimum qualifications but I'm sure I need to be fluent in Sanskrit or have 2 years accounting or something...blah)

• Move to Amsterdam and become a jelly bean farmer (however, I can't take credit for this idea as I believe it belongs to the late Mitch Hedberg, the best stand-up comic of all time....but growing jelly beans? Hmmm, onto something there)

   While I continue the horrific job of applying to a million jobs and not hearing shit, there is one thing I really am growing tired of hearing from friends and family.

   "You have to stay positive."

   No the FUCK I don't. I have nothing to stay positive about. I worked my ass off for three years in a shitty non-profit organization that tossed me out on my hump without so much of a how-do-ya-do, but meanwhile other people who don't deserve jobs are still getting them, or some type of messed up frontier equilibrium. The former athletic director (this ass clown) who let his coach beat on basketball players is getting a golden parachute, an iPad, and all sorts of goodies for not doing his job. Boeing narrowly avoided a strike (fucking AGAIN) at a time when planes are melting apart in the sky. And slow-mo's like Honey Boo Boo, the Kardashian's, and Lindsey God-damn Lohan are making more money than you or I will ever see in our lifetimes for being absolute dumpster fires. 

    While I have a bad habit of blogging as though I have a drunken clown kicking me repeatedly in the shin, I'm not dumping this into my resume cover letter (although I will after a certain point), and I certainly don't make half the mistakes in job interviews I've seen as a hiring manager. Somehow, everytime I hear "you have to stay positive", I think people think my cover letters are skin to something like:

Dear Hiring Manager (or retarded excuse for a recruiter),

   I found your over demanding, underpaying job on (insert bullshit job board here) and I figured I might as well apply. 

   

    While I do possess significantly more education and experience than you are requesting, I'm guessing you'll probably hate the font or pitch of my resume and set it aside. While I can assure you that I have the experience, I can also assure you that the fact that I don't have experience using Microsoft Sharepoint will not hinder me to do the job you could pay a reasonably trained monkey in bananas to do. 

    While I notice you make up for shit pay with such interesting benefits as a "casual work environment", I am more interested in the fact that you stressed that women and minorities are encouraged to apply. Gee whiz, that means you must be completely focused on diversity, and not at all overcompensating most likely to a previous lawsuit your corporation encountered in inappropriate hiring conduct.

    Anywho, you should probably go ahead and give me the job, or not...whateve. At least this counts for one of my three job contacts required to collect unemployment for the week.

Azurael 

   I'm close to that...not yet, but close!

I'm Amped On Red Bull And Am Wearing Out The Job Listings!

  So since getting sh*t-canned towards the middle of January. I've been diligent about meeting my state unemployment obligated "three job contacts a week" requirement. That being said, in the course of almost two months already, I've had A telephone interview and A in person interview.

  The last time I was unemployed (or as one of my friends calls it "funemployed"), I think I estimated that I had applied to 600+ jobs before finally getting a job. Mind you that was over a 10 month period, resulting in approximately 4-5 in person interviews.

   Something about this isn't right. I hold a Dual Masters in Human Resources, I'm an Army Veteran, and have pretty much had more office and leadership experience than I know what to do with.

   Then I was reminded of why potentially I have absolutely ZERO luck in getting my foot in the door. I saw a job posting for an HR Generalist today that required said following at minimum:

• Bachelor's Degree in Human Resources (okay, got that)
• Two years experience in Human Resources (well, 1.8 years, but close enough)
• Two years experience in an office environment (does 10+ years do it?)
• Knowledge of MS-Office products (anyone that graduated college in the last 10 years is pretty much an expert at that shit)
• Fluent in Tagalog (......wait....WTF?)

    There is something seriously wrong with the world, or the employment area that I need to be fluent in a language I am barely familiar with to get a job. Tagalog? Really? I get Spanish, possibly even Chinese. But Tagalog? Again, I'm sorry for this HR position I don't have ANOTHER Master's degree in Accounting and can read every language on the Rosetta Stone. 

WTF people.....

Anywho, for those wonderous readers who are steadily following my post. We're going to do alittle challenge. Starting tomorrow (March 08, 2013), I will apply for one job a day. The day I actually get an interview, I'll let ya'll know, as well as the day I actually land a job. 

That is apparently after I learn Tagalog or become a master at Payroll.

Recruiters....I Hate You.

fig. 1-1 Not related to this post, but found it

when I Googled "I hate corporate recruiters".

 In my current quest to obtain employment, I'm constantly reminded how much I hate the hiring and the corporate hiring process. Recruiters specifically are the ones I am not a huge fan of. The following points submitted to you as follows (in standard Mechanical Escape bullet format...booyah.)

• Bottom Feeders - Recruiters are considered "HR professionals" despite the fact they do little more than what a trained monkey can do. Not good enough to get into actual HR work (i.e. benefits, troubleshooting, etc.), but are good enough to basically check for minimum qualifications on a resume and ask pre-canned questions. Not really alot of self-thinking on this, and my experience with recruiters are one or the other. They either send you all the wrong matches, or basically employment cock-block the people that might actually be good for the job.
• Gate Keepers? Or quick-hire-messer-uppers? - Many people have had the joy (aka punch in the nuts) experience of, when applying for a job, filling out an online application. Not just a quick, "what is your name, number, and attach your resume" function. Noooo. It's "please rebuild your resume from scratch for our convenience so we can easily put your information into our system" online process. F**k that. I'm not going to do your job by breaking my data up for your program. I'm applying for A job, so if you look at my resume and say "nope, not a good fit", fine. I'm good with that. But if you simply don't have time to pull up my resume rather than going to your over priced HRIS system to review me, then just go get bent. I know you bastards thought this was a good idea, but no, it's not.
• Forget Something Dumbass? - Being the "pre-programmed" screeners as they are, the questions I've experienced have ranged from lengthy, to shallow and pointless. But the one thing I have noticed is that recruiters have a baaaaaaad habit of doing their screening via telephone, and forgetting one of the most important elements of employment. The environmental fit. Just because some boner can answer your questions right, doesn't mean you're going to find the personality fit into your workplace. And having been on the receiving end of the results of a screener, I can tell you as a hiring manager I could do your job better simply looking at a resume and cover letter than you can.
• Job Postings - Again, typically with recruiters, I have seen some abominations what recruiters call job postings. First and foremost, yeah, you're an EEO employer. But posting "women and minorities encouraged to apply!" basically sh*ts all over pretty much white guys everywhere. Posting simply "EEO employer" is fine, but you don't even need to do that. It doesn't provide additional legal protection, and I think everyone knows, or at least assumes, that not hiring someone because of sex or ethnicity is illegal. Posting a subtle "white guys...piss off" isn't needed. We got that. Which moves on to my next issue.
• Really? You Want What? - Okay f**kers. Like I've ranted about before, you don't need to advertise that the potential candidate will be working in a "fun environment". That is not a benefit by any stretch of the imagination. And what's the opposite? What are you going to post? "On your first day, you'll be looking for a nice place to hang yourself from!" So for Gods sake, don't ask me to include something "wacky" or "fun" in my cover letter. Don't give me a f*cking chance to get "extra credit" by telling you what my favorite ice cream is (I'm lactose intolerant by the way you ass), because while it may seem fun, it actually makes you sound unprofessional and alittle lame. And a diversity statement? WTF is that? You want me to write a page about my experience with racial/ethical issues and what my standpoint is on it? Puhleez. I'm a white guy that grew up in a middle class neighborhood in Northern Idaho. But despite the fact that my hometown had A black guy and a handful of Asians, that doesn't mean I need to write an entire page that can be summed up by saying "discrimination is bad and illegal". Plus, asking me to write that kinda makes me think you already have some workplace discrimination sh*t going on already. And to quote Sweet Brown, "ain't nobody got time for dat!".
• The Canned Rejection Letters - I won't even rant about this, I'll simply answer thusly. 1) While you say you think I'm competitive, obviously I'm not competitive enough. 2) I HIGHLY doubt, although required, that you will keep my resume on file for 6 months to 1 year "just in case" a job happens to come along that I'm a match for, so don't even f**king waste the ink to say it. 3) Saying you wish me luck in my job search is like a cop saying "have a nice day" after giving you a ticket. It's condescending, and albeit an unwarranted shot in the nuts. A simple, "we're sorry, but you weren't selected for this position" works both functionally and legally.
• The Actual Rejection Call - Okay. From an HR standpoint, it's sometimes better to get crap in writing. Rejecting a candidate in writing is good for two reasons. Reason 1: documentation. We all know the road to HR Hell is not well paved with a trail of paperwork. Reason 2: when a job seeker gets a call back from a potential employer, only to have their hopes dashed by some snarky ass recruiter who feigns sympathy....well, that's right up there with the "have a nice day"/ticket scenario. Email me, or send me a letter, but don't call me.

I Know That Smell....

Over a month into my unemployment "bliss" and hating every minute of it. 

Don't get me wrong, not having to get up at the butt crack of dawn to go to work isn't bad. That's actually the highlight of being jobless. It's the employment searches that drives me bananas.

Looking through job postings, I've found a long time ago that companies are just asking for absurdity at best when they're developing or hiring new job roles.

I have a Dual Masters in Human Resources, which you figure would be enough to land me at least the bottom of the barrel HR jobs (i.e. specialist, generalist, etc.). Not quite. Most places, while requiring a Bachelors, typically ask for 5-10+ years HR experience. Even better, they typically tend to throw in "oh yeah, you gotta have payroll processing experience too...".

Okay numbnuts, HR professionals don't typically have accounting experience. Why? Because that's just a whole different field. It's called accounting.

No, I'm not fluent in Sanscrit. No, I don't use Quickbooks. And hell no, I don't have a SHRP (because I figure an actual education, and not some store bought certification carries more weight).

And as for benefits, casual dress, "fun work environment", and a "competitive salary" (i.e. $1 higher than minimum wage) are not actual benefits.

Good gravy I never should have left the Army. Civilians don't know their ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to career progression.

Shit Canned!

Well, long time passing. Ended up getting canned all over the place last Friday.

Might be a bad thing? Not really on my end.

For the three years I worked for my employer, I've seen a countless number of idiotic decisions made at the Corporate level, and I almost say with a bit of humor that I was absolutely relieved to be canned. Furthermore when I was told I'd continue to get paid through the end of the month, and that my unemployment claim would go unchallenged (like I needed that seeing as how I've destroyed every HR professional I've bumped heads with).

That being said, my team is sadly left behind to deal with the dumbest leadership on the face of the planet. That bums me out to no end because they work hard on a daily basis, they deserve alot better than that.

Enter: the employment underground. I'm going to assist them in whatever way possible to locate different employment, thusly leaving my previous job a giant, air sucking hole in the ground.

W00t!

What Now Shall We Do?

fig. 1-1. Yes, Fiverr is addictive

So big heaping pile of bad at work. I've been placed on administrative leave (paid...thank God) because I showed up to a staff meeting after a reasonable night of drinking. Apparently the smell of booze on you is never a good thing to have at work. Neat....

So before returning to work, I have to undergo a Drug and alcohol assessment. Not to say I'm going to blow the doors off the assessment, but I quote the Joker in that "wait until they get a load of me."

Time Don't Stop...And Neither Does My Cynical Nature....

Fellow readers.

First and foremost, apologies for my spotty posts. As you've read sporadically, I've been going through what I can describe as the best (coughcoughworstcoughcough) year of my life.

That being said, I'm still committed to sharing the wealth of my hatred of all things humanity as ever.

Do I have more empathy for those that have suffered personal loss? Yes. Do I have my sympathy for those who struggle? Without question.

Will I no longer rip on people who have too many kids, eat way too much, or get away with crimes unpunished? No f**king way.

Help me help you. ;)

I'm Back...And I Brought Friends......

Yeah, I found Fiverr.com, and I've decided to give it a whack.

In this, I found a Scotsman with a dulcet voice who read one of my previous rage posts. Found here.

Damn. Everything does sound better in Scottish....

fig. 1-1. Yeah....my job.

Best day ever (*fart noise).

Received the 2nd write up (within two weeks) from my son-of-a-bitch boss for basically nothing within my control.

How is it, as a leader, can I be held accountable for something my staff does at 3am in the morning? If they decide to tapdance up and down the street naked smearing their bodies with green jello (which didn't happen, just trying to make a point), that can't be my fault.

My new boss is one of the classic leadership failures "the-beatings-will-continue-until-morale-improves", and has me on a 30 day Performance Action plan...which I, having a dual Master's in HR knows of as the Kiss of Death.

NOBODY ever lives through a corrective action plan. Those things are court documents that show that they "tried" to make things better.

Got an idea bitch, instead of writing me up and tell me what's broke, why don't you be proactive and tell me how to fix it?

F*cking Human Beings.