New Blog Launch!

fig. 1-1 No, not me. I don't own a guitar....

 After various amounts of inspiration and the fact that men these days continue the downward spiral into being more metrosexual, I've decided to fire off a new blog about a code of being a bachelor.

 This differs somewhat from guy code, but there is alot of overlap. 

 I think it'll provide single guys reassurance about what's normal when you're single and on your own. I think it'll probably also provide an interesting (or terrifying) viewpoint about what we guys do when we're not in a relationship.

You can find that sparkling new blog HERE.

Don't worry, I'm still cynical and pissed off enough to keep this shitstorm blog a'flowin. ;)

Is This Where I Ask What The Next Step Is?

fig. 1-1 Don't do this in a job interview....

  Had a job interview today that I wasn't trying all that hard for....pretty much since I applied for it.

  This is one of those jobs that I ran across and thought "yeah, I could do that I guess". The pay is meh, the job duties are meh, everything was meh.

   To my somewhat surprise, a few days after I sent the application, I received a questionnaire asking me secondary questions about what applies to the job. I spent about 5 minutes just vomiting out a response and shipped it off without neary a "meh".

   Then I got an interview. Hmm. Didn't even try....so be it.

   Went into my interview today with a "meh" attitude. Again, not that I'm not greatful for getting an interview, but rather, this job doesn't give me the career-oriented "chubby" that the other jobs I got shot down for. Per usual, it was a panel interview, and after looking at the first question, I pretty much already know I'm not getting this when they started off with a question about social work (which yeah, I don't really do).

   That interview was a few hours ago and I already can't remember half of it. I'm not really sure if it's the fact that I'm not totally stoked about the job opportunity, or whether I'm just fucking tired of doing everything to put my best foot forward only to have hit kicked to the side. 

   Ho-hum.

Greybies....Seriously.....WTF.

  Malingering as usual on a Monday afternoon with the tv on in the background, I heard a commercial for Inside Edition talking about new and expecting mothers having "Greybies".

   Without a moment to even wonder if this was perhaps a relative to rabies, they went on to explain that women are now getting pregnant, possibly in levels to a "boom" due to the novel "50 Shades Of Grey".

   Leaving me with the soul sucking, WHAT THE FUCK NOW feeling that typically would only happen if I owned a house boat. Then said house boat sprung a leak, got hit by a meteor, had a pack of ferrell dogs shit all over it, then somehow have it crash land into someone else's yard. Yeah, that what the fuck now moment.

   Let's hold the boat nonsense for a second and talk about the merits of "mothers" claiming that they have a kid that was conceived due to a nasty book. First an excerpt or two:

“At the touch of leather, I quiver and gasp. He walks around me again, trailing the crop around the middle of my body. On his second circuit, he suddenly flicks the crop, and it hits me underneath my behind … against my sex … The shock runs through me, and it’s the sweetest, strangest, hedonistic feeling … My body convulses at the sweet, stinging bite. My nipples harden and elongate from the assault, and I moan loudly, pulling on my leather cuffs.” (323)

“I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.” (137)

   Soooooo, mother's....when your self-acclaimed "greybies" grow up and end up reading this, they're going to find out you're an S&M addled wanna-be-slut. Hmm. We're off to a good start.

    Seriously, think of the amount of kids that were born as the result of regular ass porn. We don't have classifications of children relating to the copious amounts of video and internet porn that guys watch, nor would it be acceptable. I guess the only upside to women introducing their precious crotch fruit as "greybies" is that I know mommy likes it weird....

    This moves on to the just series of books in general. I fucking hate the fan fare over this for several reasons. First and foremost, dudes have been asking girls for kinky shit in the bed since the dawn of time...and it only takes an overweight female author who has a self-deprecating main character that tries to somehow play the "slut" and self-empowered "inner goddess" at the same time? No no no no no. Those ideas are incompatible. If your character is getting plowed in the ass with a wine bottle, she is not at that point exerting any form of power over the situation. Seriously.

   Secondly, and more importantly, chicks aren't wired to like this kinda shit. Yeah, I'm sure they like being tossed around, hair pulled, blah blah blah. But when it comes to stuff that men can do better than women, kink is pretty much the mountain we play king on, and no matter hard you try, you can't push us off. I've gotten into countless arguments with women who claim to be "wilder and kinkier"...and subsequently end up deep throating only a giant serving of humble pie in the process.

   Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's legions of married men out there that sacrificed a goat to the author once their numb sex life was briefly brought back to life with handcuffs and whatever (ooooh...handcuffs....*snore*), but the idea of the she-walrus that wrote this book writing nasty shit like that? That worse then finding out one of the Golden Girls directed 2 Girls 1 Cup. Gross.

"But You Got Really Far In The Process...."

 In a one-two combo punch of wonderment, I found out both yesterday evening and at the butt crack of dawn this morning that the two jobs I had interviewed for (a billion years ago), I was not selected for.

  Now ignoring the fact that I exceeded all of the job requirements they were looking for, the fucker we've all known to grow and love (aka "Another Candidate") got picked over me.
 
   Okay, got it. Someone out there is bettered suited for the job than me. But again as I've previously pointed out, if you're going to shoot me down, please don't try to fucking sugar coat it in the process. That just makes me second guess your actual thinking process during the hiring.

   Rejection #1 was relayed to me in the form of an almost minute long voicemail in which they stated they decided to go with another candidate. But then was followed up with "you're a very smart, talented, and skilled individual and I hope you all the luck in the world." Really? So you're not seeking intelligence, talent and skills in this job? Unless the other candidate was VERY VERY smart, blah blah blah. Fuck I'm glad that one went to voicemail.

   Rejection #2 was early as hell this morning whilst in the process of me zombie-staggering out of bed to make coffee. I was informed that another candidate was selected, but I was comforted in the fact that I made it "very far in the application process". Well lah-de-fuckin'-dah. I'd feel alot better if that'd gotten me the job. And you didn't need to tell me that other positions will be posted with your organization shortly because I really don't feel like applying for another job there, going to multiple interviews on the other side of the fucking planet, get dick tease for almost a month only to find out once again that I made it right up until the end, but Mr./Mrs. Another Candidate got the job instead.

  Fuck. Back to the fucking drawing board.

I Didn't Apply To Safeguard Nukes

fig. 1-1 What I do Monday through Friday, 0900 to 1700.....

  Just got another call today for a job I interviewed for two weeks ago. This obviously being the week after the previous week for which I was told I was going to be hearing from them.

  Now I'm not one to criticize due diligence, but the bottom line is this: if you can't get a hold of all of my employment references, calling me several times to ask about the same termination I went through isn't going to make it better. Yes, I got fired. Alot of people get shit canned daily. But when I speak to three of separate HR professionals from your organization about it, it begins to make me severely feel like shit. The fact that I got the boot is bad enough, but having to tell the ridiculous story time after time is just a really weird way to kick me while I'm down.

  In a nutshell, I got fired for messy petty cash receipts among other things. No, I didn't get fired because I was banging a coworker in the breakroom, or doing coke off a hooker's ass in the bathroom, or even for stealing staples from the company. I got canned for having what the powers that be deemed to be an "unruly organizational system". 

   So now, I'm forced to once again run round-and-round in my head as to whether they'll believe me and potentially give me the job, or if I've had my hopes escalating for almost three weeks for no point.

   Little tip to all you potential hiring managers out there. If you interview someone, and they simply don't cut the mustard, just tell them right away. Don't make them wait weeks in pure unadulterated mental anguish while you eventually get around to giving them the canned "we decided to pursue a better candidate" speech.

   This is fuckin' KILLING ME.

Did I Not Get A Memo Or Something?

fig. 1-1 Yeah, I drew a penis on this picture using MS-Paint. Deal.

Being a relatively strong fan of Comedy Central, I was overjoyed to hear that "The Ben Show" had been cancelled. Plagued with attempted rapid fire "comedy", embarrassing complete strangers, and trying to be deadpan while doing extreme things is something that just doesn't work in the US. Sorry. Might work in England (i.e. the original "Office" show), but not here.

I then found out that the Jeselnik Offensive got renewed (yay!) as well as "Nathan for you" (WHAT THE FUCK). I've seen only the first episode of this show, and that's all I needed. A "comedian" who is also attempting deadpan while fucking with complete strangers in really unintelligent related ways (shit flavored frozen yogurt? Really?).

Following due diligence, I check some reviews and I found this:

"NATHAN FIX MY FAILING FAMILY

9.5

By MarkizzMax, Mar 28, 2013

Nathan is a freakin genious. He has come up with the most original and funny show Ive seen in a long time. I never wana miss a minute of this hilarious show. I dont think anyone else could do a better "job". This show should stay on as long as possible. Now if only Nathan could come to my house and fix my family, its a pain in the ass kinda job."

REALLY? Obviously by the spelling I can garner that this show caters to the lesser minds, that I get, but hilarious? No. No no no. This is either a shill (but it can't be because usually they spell better), or apparently I need to be reeeaaaallly high while I watch this show.

I think I'm beginning to lose my hold on what's considered funny in the country.

Check out his shitty comedy here. Oh he's so befuddled and hilarious! (NOPE)

Complete Clownshoes

I Hate Waiting

    Soooo, after applying to puhlenty o' jobs, I've managed to have several interviews at two jobs. I was told I would hear back this week (after my 2nd interviews wrapped up last week) and now...we wait.

    In the perfect universe, I would be hopefully soon be stuck in the position of which job to take because both had made me an offer. However, all things never being perfect, I'd be totally cool with either job.

    That being said, this waiting thing is just NUTS. I keep getting texts from my job references letting me know they gave me epic job reviews (because, well, I'm that epic), but so far, no word from either potential employer.

    Even though I know no HR professional would ever allow it, I would be totally fine with the hiring manager just sending me several word emails every now and again during the diliberation process that would keep me informed of my potential employment with them.

Good progress examples:

- "Not too shabby candidate!"
- "How big of a desk would you need?"
- "Might want to get any vacation plans out of your way now!"

Bad progress examples:

- "Hmmmmmmmmm......."
- "Other people might be better at this..."
- "You might want to practice up "you want fries with that"?"

Can't We Be Done?

Soooo, I've gotten a few job interviews and so far, things are going kinda okay. The job I am REALLY wanting, I've already done two in person interviews and they've already called my job references, who of course made it sound like I invented water.

Cool.

But then I got a call from their HR department today stating that they'd be calling my past employers, to include my most recent ex-employer that gave me the BOHICA (bend-over-here-it-comes-again) firing of my lifetime to verify my employment.

Now I am fully aware, having a background in HR, that there are only certain questions 99.9% of employers will answer during an employment verification, however, I know there's always that .1% of employers out there that simply don't give a shit and decide they want to put their own personal spin on things to fuck over the potential chance that one of their ex-employees will get a job.

I passed my 90 days of sobriety this last Saturday, and it's pretty much the only damn thing keeping me from pounding down a fifth of Bushmills right now. I'm trying to console myself that the chances of my fuckwad ex-supervisor won't field this call, but the fact that I won't hear anything about the job until early next week is giving me an ulcer the size of Texas.

For all of you out there in the blogosphere, please take a moment and poor one out for your old buddy Azurael would you? *pout*

'Merica!

Ugh.

With the incident that occurred today in Boston, there are few certain things that will happen as the result:

1) Trolls will be flooding the forums on the Internet to make this nothing except being politically related.

2) Conspiracy theorists will blame the government for doing this (because yeah, that makes alot of fucking sense)

3) Scammers will come out of their holes and bilk innocent people out of money that they think is being donated to the Red Cross.

4) We'll find out who did it.

*Sigh* Well, one out of four ain't bad I guess.

And Jesus Wept....

  Still on the job hunt and no dice whatsoever.....shocking. I have, however, had the chance to meet with two fellow ex-coworkers from my previous employer. I noticed, in talking with them, that at any point in our discussion about our terminations....they never referred to it as "being fired" or what not, but rather just flat out called it "getting fucked over".

Hmmm....yeah, that's about right.

  As the job hunt dredges on, I haven't found myself to the point of desperation where I'll sell out for minimum wage and work a shit job in the hopes of getting promoted up the food chain quickly. That being said, I've had some wacky inspirations to return to the workforce in the following ways:

• Join the French Foreign Legion (although my High School French is a bit spotty, I hear those guys'll take anyone....although I would kindly decline the French citizenship that comes with it...because...well fuck, it's France.)

• Teach English over in Eastern Europe (although my classic combination of the hatred of people, lack of overseas travelling experience, and getting paid in who know's what currency doesn't excite me)

• Become a private security member aka a mercenary (although I already did submit my application a few days ago and am waiting a reply. I absolutely cu-uh-rushed the minimum qualifications but I'm sure I need to be fluent in Sanskrit or have 2 years accounting or something...blah)

• Move to Amsterdam and become a jelly bean farmer (however, I can't take credit for this idea as I believe it belongs to the late Mitch Hedberg, the best stand-up comic of all time....but growing jelly beans? Hmmm, onto something there)

   While I continue the horrific job of applying to a million jobs and not hearing shit, there is one thing I really am growing tired of hearing from friends and family.

   "You have to stay positive."

   No the FUCK I don't. I have nothing to stay positive about. I worked my ass off for three years in a shitty non-profit organization that tossed me out on my hump without so much of a how-do-ya-do, but meanwhile other people who don't deserve jobs are still getting them, or some type of messed up frontier equilibrium. The former athletic director (this ass clown) who let his coach beat on basketball players is getting a golden parachute, an iPad, and all sorts of goodies for not doing his job. Boeing narrowly avoided a strike (fucking AGAIN) at a time when planes are melting apart in the sky. And slow-mo's like Honey Boo Boo, the Kardashian's, and Lindsey God-damn Lohan are making more money than you or I will ever see in our lifetimes for being absolute dumpster fires. 

    While I have a bad habit of blogging as though I have a drunken clown kicking me repeatedly in the shin, I'm not dumping this into my resume cover letter (although I will after a certain point), and I certainly don't make half the mistakes in job interviews I've seen as a hiring manager. Somehow, everytime I hear "you have to stay positive", I think people think my cover letters are skin to something like:

Dear Hiring Manager (or retarded excuse for a recruiter),

   I found your over demanding, underpaying job on (insert bullshit job board here) and I figured I might as well apply. 

   

    While I do possess significantly more education and experience than you are requesting, I'm guessing you'll probably hate the font or pitch of my resume and set it aside. While I can assure you that I have the experience, I can also assure you that the fact that I don't have experience using Microsoft Sharepoint will not hinder me to do the job you could pay a reasonably trained monkey in bananas to do. 

    While I notice you make up for shit pay with such interesting benefits as a "casual work environment", I am more interested in the fact that you stressed that women and minorities are encouraged to apply. Gee whiz, that means you must be completely focused on diversity, and not at all overcompensating most likely to a previous lawsuit your corporation encountered in inappropriate hiring conduct.

    Anywho, you should probably go ahead and give me the job, or not...whateve. At least this counts for one of my three job contacts required to collect unemployment for the week.

Azurael 

   I'm close to that...not yet, but close!