Mechanical Escape

Should We Really Be Shocked By This?

2011-12-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

Finally....finally, finally, finally...

In this story, the Duggar's (aka Baby Factory and Crappiest Parents Alive) latest pregnancy ended up in miscarriage.

Now I could go completely un-pc right now, and just eviscerate them in every sense possible with an "I finally told you so" the size of a planetoid. But it's just too easy.

Here's an idea, you have 19 kids. STOP BREEDING.

Man...Bachelorhood Blows...

2011-11-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

So last week I posted a few semi-insane posts (can't...post...while...drunk) that only followers who receive my posts via email were "lucky enough" to receive.

Everyone else was spared from what was supposed to be the cynical, semi-laughable posts which I ordinarily shoot for. Whether it's ripping on fat people, or making fun of products (Snuggie) that (Snuggie) shouldn't (Snuggie) exist (Snuggie), I try to keep my posts pointed and at least able to arouse a dark hearted chuckle at least every now and again.

A couple of weeks ago, my significant other moved out leaving me to my own devices in a huge apartment. While I certainly enjoy not having to eat over the sink, and spitting in the shower, it's been a pretty long time since I was living on my own (try since 2005) so it's still a pretty big spinning ball to grasp.

The light side is that I'm no longer required to game in my nerd cave on my tiny 27" CRT tv, but instead, can game on the 42" plasma in the living room. I can eat Jack In The Box every night of the week (although, I wouldn't try it and/or recommend it), and I can burp as loudly as I want.

The obvious downside is that it takes time to get used to living alone again. I remember when I first joined the Army and it was my first time living alone. It was terrifying at first as I was living in a two bedroom town house (with 2 floors...get this, $425 a month...but again... it was the middle of Missouri), but after a while, it was totally my fortress of solitude. Despite the lack of furniture and the fact that I lived there 2 years before I bought a vacuum, it was the pimpinest bachelor pad ever.

The take away? If you're soon going to be living on your own...hang on tight!....And buy an Xbox!

Let's Talk About Karma

2011-11-23T15:22:00.000-08:00

fig. 1-1 Yeah, I was disturbed by this picture too.

I know, you're probably thinking "Azurael...what the hell am I looking at". You're looking at Lynx and Lamb Gaede, the lead singers of the band "Prussian Blue". An obviously white supremisct group that involved two teenage, brainwashed girls.

Now a few reasons to hate them citing some information about the group:

"Prussian Blue was a white nationalist pop pre-teen duo formed in early 2003 by the mother of Lynx Vaughan Gaede[1] and Lamb Lennon Gaede,[2] sororal twin girls born on June 30, 1992, in Bakersfield, California.[3] The twins referred to the Holocaust as a myth[4] and their group was described as racist and white supremacist in nature...."

annnnnnndddddd

"The band was named after the color Prussian blue. In an interview with Vice Magazine, the twins stated, "Part of our heritage is Prussian German. Also our eyes are blue, and Prussian Blue is just a really pretty color." They also remarked, "There is also the discussion of the lack of 'Prussian Blue' coloring (Zyklon B residue) in the so-called gas chambers in the concentration camps."

So yeah, couple of know-it-all pre-teen twins that are supposidely "brainwashed" from their parenting. Riiiiiggghhhhttt. My parents raised me a certain way, and I was already disagreeing with that shit by the time I was 10.

No sympathy. When I first heard about this pair of sisters, I was pissed. Then much to my delight, I found the following out about them today:

"But both girls say the hardest part of the whole experience was dealing with the media, which they believe routinely misrepresented them and sensationalized their beliefs. Their time in the limelight subjected them to extraordinary stress, and appears to have contributed to severe health problems for both sisters. Lynx was diagnosed with cancer during her freshman year of high school and doctors removed a large tumor from her shoulder. Then she developed a rare condition called CVS, cyclic vomiting syndrome.

Lamb has struggled as well. She suffers from scoliosis and chronic back pain, as well as lack of appetite and intense emotional stress. During several of our conversations, she burst into tears as she agonized about how to balance her love for her mother with her desire to let the world know that the girls have moved on.

Approximately a year ago, Lamb and Lynx stumbled on a new treatment that they say has done wonders for many of these ailments.

“I have to say, marijuana saved my life,” Lynx told me. “I would probably be dead if I didn’t have it.” She discovered pot while recovering from her cancer treatments. She’d been prescribed morphine and OxyContin, which she quit cold turkey. One day when she was having a bout of nausea, a friend offered her a toke. She was reluctant at first. The girls’ biological father had been “a druggie” when they were young, Lynx said.

But the drug worked wonders, and soon Lynx became one of the first five minors to get a medical marijuana card in Montana. Now Lamb has one, too." Source

OH MY GRAVY. FINALLY, the giant three-assed beast that is Karma has swatted the shit out of people that need a good swattin'. One get's Cancer, and the other gets Scoliosis? Damn!

Now I have a saying, which you may have heard from "Scary Stories To Tell In the Dark." Is subscribed to "never ever laugh when the hearse goes by, for you may be the next to die". Well, in this case, they ain't dead, and I'm laughing my fucking ass off.

Even when they're trying to "move on" Lamb is telling us that everyone needs to "fricken" deal with it, and that Churchill was not one of the good guys? Fuck, that's the worst sense of remorse I've ever seen.

I'd tell you two dumbasses to get on the wheel, but I don't need a fucking puker and a cripple slowin' it down.

Welcome To My World...The World Of Full Blown Fucking Cynicism

2011-11-14T21:44:00.001-08:00

fig. 1-1 Yes, that is a snake in a bottle of tequila.

I've been gone from the blogosphere for a while, why? Well, I'm not that open of a blogger yet, anonymity aside.

But I'm back, with my trusty old ass Razor phone (no...not the new one...the old ass one) and I've decided to start including snapshots of my reality into my blogs.

Yes, now you the read too can enjoy the disturbing details that is my life.

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Microwave Mess In A Can! How Convienent!

2011-10-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'm coming off of my brief haitus from blogging to bitch about Campbell's "Soup At Hand" product.

This item is basically soup in a microwaveable cup that you just "heat and sip". Well folks, it's just not that easy.

If you read the label, you'll find the very small warning "Uneven microwave heating may cause popping, movement of the cup and/or splattering". How about plain ol fuckin' tipping over on its side and flooding every crevas of inside your microwave with impossible to clean soup?

I had heated one of these once before, and the instant I noticed it was "popping" (read: literally bouncing up into the air an inch), I stopped the microwave and decided to drink luke warm soup instead of running the risk of losing it.

Today, I somehow forgot to keep a mean eye on this and sure enough, came back to it on it's side an my office's microwave flooded in "Chicken with Mini Noodles". Awesome. After spending an embarassing 10 minutes wiping out our microwave with approximately 20 brown papertowels, I got to enjoy the tepid 1/5 remaining contents of the can. Mmm mmm that was worth $1.50.

What I don't understand is that Campbell's is already aware of this problem. They never would have put the "popping" warning on the side had they not been aware of it. And yet they continue to make the container in the shape of an hour glass with the bottom slightly smaller than the top.

If they had any sense, they'd shape it more like a beaker (or a spill proof coffee mug) or at least with a flared bottom.

Instead, they got their $1.50, my co-workers got a messy ass microwave, and I got nothing but hunger.

Thanks Campbell's!

"I'm Not Too Overqualified To Pay My Rent"

2011-10-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

Dear All Human Resource Recruiters Everywhere (except that one woman in West Seattle),

You need to get off your goddamn high horse in that giant ass ivory tower your in.

Just because they say you're the "gatekeeper" of the business doesn't mean you can put your own personal slant on who you should hire. That's not your fucking job. Your job is to support the needs of the HIRING MANAGER.

Go fuck yourselves and die.

All my love,

Azurael

"Azurael, Azurael, Where Have You Been...?"

2011-10-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

I should say London to see the Queen, but I've actually been burning up 10 hour days at work getting my ass kicked by my multitude of bosses.

Livin' the dream right?

Once Again, I Scream Bullshit Sandwiches

2011-10-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

Once again, the justice system has miscarried all over the floor, and the table, and the chairs, and the walls, and the...you know what...we'll just need a few mops.

I could go into how this court case got messed up, or how we're freeing a couple who is guilty as all shit...but I'm not going to. Amanda Knox did that shit, and once again, a murderer goes scott free.

The takeaway from this, quoting a coworker "it's a good year for murdering people and getting away from it if you're a hot chick."

Yeah, I quoted it.

Had Amanda Knox been a dude, this would have been a non-issue. Or semi-ugly for that matter.

TEH FAIL.

"Uh....I Already Served My Country."

2011-09-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

I went to the courthouse today as I was summoned to Jury duty. I now know what purgatory must be designed to feel like.

Three hours I sat in a massive room with several hundred other people, listening to faint Muzak playing, watching people getting lost in their own brains. Bad day to be hungover to say the least.

Upon showing up, we had to document as to whether we had a problem charging someone with various crimes, and if a trial (which would end MID NOVEMBER) would result in a hardship for us. The answers for those questions were no and HELL TO THE YES! I can't leave my work for almost 2 months and live off $10.

I thought some people liked jury duty, but not after this experience. Hell, even the people working for the Courthouse were talking about how much jury duty sucks.

Blech. Thank gravy for the hardship clause. Hearing my name called to be excused was like a won a mini-lottery.

Awesome.

Bonus Blog! Synthetic Delights

2011-09-27T18:16:00.000-07:00

There are alot of things that make me angry in the world. And when I get angry, I get angry for a long time.

Then I see Anne Hathaway in a catsuit and boots...and suddenly everything is okay in the world.

Then I see Gary Oldman standing behind her looking all frumpy and I become sad.

Oh well.

Any More Often, And I'd Climb Over That Counter

2011-09-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

I've only been to the DMV several times in my life. I lucked out early on because if you're in the military, they give you your ID for something crazy like 10 years. Had to go in today, thinking that it would be like it has been the few other times I've gone...mostly uneventful.

I was wrong.

It always starts out with that weird "take-a-number" lottery game, when you get to find out whether you've won and get to be helped right a way, or if you'll need to set up like you're stranded in the woods for days.

Happened to me, I pulled 178 and they were currently on 119. Awesome. On top of that, despite they had 5 windows built, there were only 2 windows actually running.

The customers were no easy going either. The worst were the ones who when their number was called, you could see them toting a massive pile of paperwork to the front window. "I had my arms surgically replaced with stalks of celery and wanted to apply for a new DL. This should be all the paperwork I need. Oh, and I'm paying in old, discarded 1915 stock certificats". There were people that were up at the window for easily 20 minutes. Then when my turn rolls around? Get up there, sit, tell the guy my address, I need a new ID, pay him $25, done. Literally 3 minutes. What the fuck is everyone else doing there that it would require so much time? I think they should have time limits. If they can't get their shit fixed in 10 minutes, they need to go to the back of the line.

And furthermore, DMV goers, if the line is an eternity and you want to help us all out, don't give your low numbered ticket away to someone else. You're just fucking the entire room by doing that. If they're at 100, and you have 115, and you decided to bolt because you gotta get back to work, don't give your 115 to a person who has a 190. Why? Because I might have 116. Hell, the majority of the room probably have a 116 or above. So by doing this, instead of eliminating yourself from in front of me and helping out me and everyone behind you...you've basically taken the person from the back of the line and put them in your place. Honestly.

Third...let me get this straight. You're going to whole up a bunch of people in your waiting room for expected hours at a time, even put a pot of coffee in there, and not allow us to use the bathroom? Is this some messed up joke? You don't want to see where my priorities are if you're at 100, and my number is 110 and there's a garbage can close to me. I will seriously bust a leak in your waiting room because there is no way in hell I'm going to go to a bathroom somewhere else, come back and pull 224.

And finally, no...I won't fucking smile for my ID. I haven't smiled in any professionally related pictures in the history of my existance on this Earth, and after waiting 2 hours filled with people that smell like Russian cab drivers and beets, I refuse to smile for you. Take my fucking picture, give me my fucking ID card, and shut off.

Wanted: Orbital Ion Cannon

2011-09-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks at work have just been super unholy. On top of the multitude of complications of going back and forth between Spokane, combined with a shitty audit at work and just general crappy events, I am ready for this weekend.

As I'm baking in my office due to my building (and most of Seattle) lacking HVAC, I'm remembering back to the days of playing Command and Conquer. And old school top down video game in which your army fights other armys.

Anywho, those memories combined with the current plummeting satellite (UARS) makes me have fond memories of wishing for an orbital satelite which could blast giant laser beams on to certain parts of the planet.

If I had that monster at my disposal, you know I'd be hitting some high priority targets (read: Westboro Baptist Church, the set of "Glee", Paris).

I Did NOT See That Coming...

2011-09-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

Got some unexpected feedback on my organizations work performance today. Let's just say...not good.

To top off that treat, it's been eerily quiet in my bosses office. I hope they're not planning on a surprise firing at the end of the day.

You Want Me To Do What?

2011-09-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

I've been going to the gym quite a bit with the intent to bulk up. According to my trainer, the only way I can do this is if I eat like a sumo wrestler with a gland problem.

Look, since pretty much the beginning of College, my breakfast has typically consisted of a big mug of coffee and whatever is in my console of my car on the way to work. The idea of waking up and eating a "hearty breakfast" is more disturbing to me than a oral bowel movement.

I've been trying to muscle down a protein bar, but it's pretty nauseating. Believe me I can eat when other people can't. Typically watching porn is the best time to get down on some pizza and beer.

At any rate, I guess I'll just be a skinny twig for the rest of my life.

I Left My Heart In Seattle, And My Fan Belt On I-90

2011-09-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

In Spokane today...what should have been about a 4 hour trip ended up going actually to about a 9 hour trip. Why you ask? Well funny you should ask.

In classic bullet format:

- 0730 - Leave Seattle en route to Spokane driving my Prius I just got back from the dealer yesterday.

- 0855 - The red ! pops up on my read out, telling me I have something wrong with my engine (I ask car manufacturers why go with a "!" when it might as well be a "you're fucked!")

- 0935 - With the assistance of Google and a Garmin, I find a small old timey auto shop (read backwoods and hillbilly) in Snoqualmie.

-0940 - The mechanic, along with my help, trouble shoot the problem of why my car over heated. Got enough coolent. Hmm.

-0941 - Some teenager (who stood silently and watched the mechanic working on another car), presumably his apprentice, points out that there's a belt missing. The fan belt.

-0945 - Mechanic calls several auto parts store, who apparently have never heard of a 2005 Prius needing a fan belt.

-0946 - Mechanic locates a fan belt at a local Napa dealership. Says he can begin work by noon.

-0947-1005 - I awkwardly putter around in my car, waiting for the mechanic to tell me where I can wait. During this time, he's just working on another car.

-1005-1240 - I bid adieu to the mechanic for a while to go on a walk to get out of the "shop" (two sheds bolted together). End up going to a park, following a trail which leads to an opening near the Snoqualmie river. There I sit on a rock, eat a sad little protein bar, and chill.

-1241-1250 - Move back to a nearby park to once again, sit.

-1251-1257 - Get approached by a 900 year old guy with apparent scoliosis. Only when he's 10 feet in front of me I realize he's carrying a bible and several brochures.

-1258-1300 - "Gus" from the Jehovah's witnesses drops by to give me some reading materials. Gets my name wrong. Both to me (i.e. "Good to meet you *WRONG NAME*) as well as who was driving the car (i.e. "Good guy that *WRONG NAME*). - Authors note...yes, I will be polite, even to a Jehovah's witness. Can't fault a guy for trying to spread what they believe is right...even though Jehovah's witnesses are out of their fucking mind.

- 1301 - 1310 - Much needed deuce from the sad protein bar in a park bathroom I can only describe as being from the set of one of the Hostil movies.

- 1310-1315 - Mosey back to the shop praying my car is fixed.

- 1316 - Get back to the shop, belt is on, with mystery fluid under my car.

- 1317 - 1330 - Let my Prius run to find out both if my car is going to explode as well as if the myster fluid under the car is mine.

1331 - 1335 - My boss calls, having recieved my VM from the morning, laughing about how it sucks to have broken down.

1336-1340 - Wait for someone to move their car who is blocking the bay my car is in.

1341-1345 - Pay the mechanic who has a massive pile of credit card receipts next to his credit card scanner on a tiny plank of wood that can barely be described as a shelf.

1346 - Get the fuck up out of dodge.

1815 - Arrive in Spokane.

Yeah.....let's never do Snoqualmie or my Toyota dealership again.

Fall Is On It's Way!!

2011-09-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

And we know what fall means! Boot season! :D

(But for the record, uber pointy boots are lame)

Bonus Blog! Kmart Almost Wiped Me From The Earth

2011-09-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

As we approach the September of 2011, I recall joining the military as a bushy tailed eager beaver 2nd Lieutenant in the Military Police Corps of the United States Army. I joined with the intent to become the best at military law enforcement, and a master of the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice). With my under graduate in Criminal Justice and my family steeped in military tradition, I was ready to rebuild the military one position at a time.

Fast forward 5 years later. The military is giving all the law enforcement and prison jobs to military civilians (i.e. government fucking lackies) and I'm left being painted into a corner of the fact that the Army wants the Military Police to basically troll traffic routes for landmines and be the infantry-in-humvees. My dream is ended and I'm forced into the civilian world.

Armed with a duel Master's degree in HR Management and HR Development, I'm under the assumption that that combined with my 5 years of leadership abilities, that I'll be a prized item to middle management in any organization.

I was wrong.

With 2 weeks or less until my discharge date, I found myself desperate for a job. I went to a job fair under the guidance of a major headhunter organization with the promises of interviewing with several employers. I interviewed with four employers, and the only HR position I applied for, who said I did the best at defining HR practices, didn't hire me. I was hired as a "Store Manager in Training" under the Kmart program.

This means, that after an intensive 6 month training program at a store, I would be given my own store to be in charge of.

I was wrong....again.

After several months of training at a Seattle store, I was reassigned to a store in Tacoma, WA to assist due to the Christmas season (er...sorry, "Holiday season"). I was placed as an "interim" assistant store manager, to finish off my training so I could take my Store Manager position. At the end of 6 months, I was called by the District Manager to inform me that I would be taking a Department manager position at a store that was 2 hours commute from my current address. Mind you...this was on a Friday, and I was expected to report to work at the new store the following Monday.

Rewind about five months.

I came out of the military as a highly educated, highly motivated, highly trained and literally battle tested individual who was ready to raise up any company that would hire me to the next level. Going from a battle tested Captain in the Army to a store-manager-in-training at Kmart, I should have known what was coming.

Fucking booze.

Anyone who has worked retail knows the evils that possess the average white trash shopper when it comes to getting their 10 cent discount on Twinkies and store shelf wine. I remember my first day of training, being accosted by my "training coach" (Kmart refers to managers as "coaches"....probably to be more pc...well know what fuckers, coaches can't fire people and ruin their lives) because I had parked too close too the store. That was "for the customers".

As time drove on, I learned about people having great "shopping experiences", the importance of "facing product" (i.e. making sure there were no holes in the shelves when it came to whatever was being sold), and how important it was to sell totes (because of the markup) and hosiery (yeah...they didn't call it socks...they called it hosiery...hey, the 1870's called, they want their terminology back). And yes, for the record, I'd been yelled at more then a few times for not making sure the product wasn't "hole-free".

Suffice to say, I realized that people who resign themselves to retail are very shallow in terms of what they want to contribute to society. They have essentially resigned themselves in a career while waiting to die. My "coach trainer" at my first store was a guy named "Bob" who was in his late 40's, balding, and looked like he had died inside years ago. I remember one of his first comments to me ....no, to another co-worker about me (with me in earshot) being about how I didn't know "how to use an iron on a shirt". Okay there baldy, I can iron a fucking set of BDU's and field strip a MK-19 in 10 seconds...what can you do? Face the hosiery section?

I delve severely into drinking. And I mean DRINK-ING. I could crush a 5th of a boozy booze called UV Vodka in a night....and naturally report to work the next morning with a crushing hangover and a severe hatred of life.

I wouldn't be lying if I didn't admit that I tried to spend most of my time away from the customer, either in the backroom doing "inventory", or out in the shelves where most people didn't go restocking the shelves.

Reading all of this, most people would believe that it was simply the shock of going from a veteran Captain to a store manager at a retail store that would make me bitter, but no....Kmart had a hand in this.

Kmart has a policy that requires supervisors work a minimum of 55 hours per week. Which basically means that your days off shift every week, and most times, you don't get two days off.

Additionally, probably when times were bad, Kmart decided in their infinite wisdom that, managers can also assist on the floor. So they reduced the people working the sales floor, often leaving customers to wander about with no assistance.

Also...when I was hired, I was sent my benefits package with no explanation from any HR professional (which I would later take up as an HR Manager to promise one-on-one benefits explanations with each new hire).

And, being hired with the promise of being a Store Manager, then deciding I can up and move in the course of 2.5 days....well, that's just shitsville.

I could go on, but I won't. Why? Because it'll just make me want to pick up another bottle of booze, womanize as much as possible (that's a whole different story), and come to work everyday reeking of booze.

Kmart fucking sucks. Not for the fact that they invented the "Blue Light Special", but for how they treat their staff. The hours suck, the customer involvement policies suck, and the stores alone suck. Had it not been for my job with a .com company doing HR Management work, I would have never had a chance to throw my badge and keys on my bosses desk and walk out with both middle fingers busted up high.

So if you ever go to a retail store and have a positive experience, I highly recommend you make sure you compliment the help.

If you ever go to a retail store and have a shitty experience, I highly recommend you rip that fucker a new one on the most public scale possible.

Fuck you Kmart! (oh yeah, and Fuck You Bob! You're still pushing carts and I'm a motherfuckin' Director! Who's got the iron now bitch??)

"Dammit Sir, I Fucking Love Women!!!"

2011-09-10T20:22:00.001-07:00

(Authors Note: Serving overseas, the Sergeant I worked with always made it a point to exclaim to me how much he loved women...)

In looking back on some of my posts, in addition to my typical cynical viewpoints (which hey...I'm one cynical guy), I have come off as a bit of a misogynist. Given, I truly hate the gender wars, I'm still a huge fan of chicks. (and if you take offense to me referring to women as "chicks", you should probably go read a different blog).

In typical Azurael bullet list form, this is what I love about chicks:

1) The Ying To My Yang - The most basic element as designed by genetics, women are always there to compliment men. Even gay guys always have super close female friends, there is always the perfect woman to compliment any man out there. While opposites can sometime spark problems, there is obviously an upside to this.

2) Eye Candy - Don't get mad at me about this being #2. Women are just awesome to look at. The fact that women put alot into their looks...be it clothing, hair, whatever, women always make it a point to make sure they're rockin the house when they walk out the door. While it does disturb me that many women take hours to get ready, trust me as a guy, it doesn't go unappreciated.

3) The Smell - Chicks smell amazing. Period. I remember dating one girl in college and I didn't know whether it was her perfume, her shampoo, or even her fabric softener, but good gravy I couldn't get over how awesome she smelled. It was positively intoxicating.

4) The Support - At the risk of sounding like a "sense-y", I like the fact that guys can talk to women about feelings. Yes, we (guys...eerrr, straight guys) have feelings that we're not giant fans of talking about. Obviously, we can't talk to our guy friends about this because they'll probably end up throwing beer cans at us and laughing at us. Women are actually very down to listen to what's in your heart and actually offer some sound, deep souled advice (vs. your guy friend who would say "dude...you sound pretty fucking gay right now).

5) The adventurism in the bedroom - Chicks dress up (reference the image) for the bedroom. True, guys are more visual than women, the fact that women are willing to dress up both for the regular day and in the bedroom in unholy comfortable heels, skirts, corsets, etc..... it's just amazing. If you're a guy, when was the last time your girl asked you to dress up? And did you actually do it? Hmmm....

6) Confidence Sourcing - We as guys are allllllwaaaays guilty of practically breaking our necks when a hot chick walks by us. We try to use our peripheral vision to look, but unfortunately the prehistoric gene takes over and cranes our neck so we can take a mental image to store in our spank bank for later. But when chicks comment on how good we look, or if we catch them giving us the up-and-down, yeah...we feel like the king of the Greek Gods. Even fat chicks count on this one.

I'm going to stop here before I go off on a tangent, but yeah....even as cynical and hateful as I may seem...chicks are pretty fucking awesome.

Work's Pimp Hand Is Still Swingin' Strong

2011-09-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

Although this has been a 4 day week, it seems like that 5th day of shit just continually just gets compressed into the remaining 4 days.

I never thought it was possible, but this Friday was the LOOONNNGGEST Friday ever. And not because it's a slow day, but just because this week has been ugly in general.

To top that gem off, I get to go to a work related deal in Spokane next week. Nice. For those not from the Northwest, Spokane is consistantly referred to as "Spocompton" or "Spoke Vegas" because it's a small city with big city problems. The majority of the city is just a shithole and I hve no idea why anyone would want to live there (sorry to my High School friend who lives there).

Anywho, hopefully some bloggy blog this weekend.

Where The Fuck Is My Imodium??!

2011-09-06T14:42:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but I'm going to cover it again because I recently went through an almost life changing experience.

For those who are just joining us, I am a sufferer of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or IBS. This wonderful little disease/syndrome/curse from hell causes your bowels to essentially decide for you when you're going to take a deuce. Basically, you'll be sitting there minding your own business when out of know where you get massive lower abdominal cramping (aka the guy code for "Dude, we need to go home RIGHT NOW." - akaka You have to take a massive dook, probably from eating too much PF Changs)

Along with this intolerable urge by your body to take a dump, you get:

- Nervous sweating
- Clammy Forehead, Palms
- Nausea
- Vertigo
- Inability to speak
- Panic
- Intense bouts of Bargaining (3rd step in Grief)

Sounds terrifying? No, this isn't just for us IBS sufferers, this is what anyone goes through then they're about to foam out of their underpants. I may eat the wrong thing and feel this....or a guy could eat a bran muffin, smoke a cigarette, and drink a latte while being stuck in a tunnel in a traffic jam and go through the same thing.

No biggie. The tactic is plan to eat right and to make sure bathrooms are always accessible.

I tell you all that to tell you this.

Typically as a tradition, I like to eat spicy wings on Sunday night, usually while watching True Blood and what not. Normally I spend all day in the office on Mondays, which is convienently located right across the hall from the bathroom. Well, one particular Sunday night a few weeks ago, I was happily mowing down on an unholy amount of chicken wings doused in hot sauce and ranch, when a co-worker reminded me that we had an off site meeting with several clients super early the next Morning. So not only was it early enough that I couldn't "prepare" my guts, but it was also too early for any Imodium to take effect.

Suffice to say the next morning at about 10 am, I had the "bubble guts" which were making noises much like the scene from Dumb and Dumber when Harry has just had the turbo lax, and is driving his Lambo to the Mary's house. Dead in the middle of a meeting with the inability to say "if you'll excuse me a minute, I have to go destroy a bathroom", I suffered through every gut wrenching convulsion of my innards that were now cooking from the previous nights wings.

In can't remember much other than sweating profusely, panicking like I was poisoned, and trying to go to my happiness to block out the pain. The only upbeat part of this epic battle against my innards was the waves of relief that would come when my guts would stop imploding upon themselves. I was fortunate enough to know my coworkers enough to share that we "need to leave right now" as soon as we were done meeting with clients.

So yes, that was a day that will live in infamy, a day that I almost crapped my pants off site, and would have had to drive home approximately 20 miles. Thank crap for small things (i.e. Imodium, Pepto, IBS battle hardened intestinal tract...)

Although I got IBS bad sometimes, I'm probably a mild case compared to other people that have it. I'm not home bound and I don't have "uncontrollable flatulance" which I've actually read about. Things that usually trigger me are spicy foods, dairy, and extreme physical exercise (yeah...I almost dooked on a treadmill another time....).

"The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday"

2011-09-01T16:11:00.000-07:00

fig. 1-1 I'm the guy in the glasses (not actually, but for illustration purposes)

There are some days that I just seriously get the shit end of the stick (which is a disturbing saying when you think about it), and today was one of those days.

Regardless, I'm not a fucking Kmart....so all in all, still not a bad day.

Fuck you Kmart!

Somewhere Else I'd Rather Be

2011-08-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

I've been working for the same organization for about 2 years now. Began at the bottom of the chain by simply wanting to get my foot in the door, and now I'm a pretty high up on the leadership scale.

I work daily to make lives better for people that are both downtrodden and the community in general. Don't get paid as much as my position probably demands, but it's decent humanitarian work.

.....

That being said, I think I'd still prefer to edit porn for a living.

PAX 2011 Afterthoughts...and Thoughts...and Thoughts

2011-08-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

Oregon-B endedup coming up for the weekend, and we attended the 2011 Pax Convention in Seattle.

Few thoughts, in a-typical bullet format:

- It was refreshing to be surrounded by soooo many gamers. Even though some took it alot more seriously than me...nice to finally be in a place that talks my language.

- Booth Babes...best idea ever. And if any models are reading this that have done that kind of work, you're just awesome.

- I'm not entirely sure what someone would do at that place for 3 days, but 1 day seemed good.

-Mental Note: Sleep more before the convention. Gaming conventions apparently involve ALOT of walking.

- Free stuff always a plus. Got my hands on a Halo lego set...which I plan to cover in protective plastic and sit on for 30 years to cash in on Ebay...if Ebay still exists.

- Suprisingly, there were ALOT of women at the convention too. And not the kind that occasionally play some regular Xbox Arcade games. These girls were knee deep in people's asses on the Halo gamecase and such.

- Video games are awesome.

- Booth babes...seriously....awesome.

"Thy Nerdom Come, I Will Have Fun...."

2011-08-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

First I would like to apologize for my lack of blogging efforts. In between work, going home to Idaho for a weekend, the new Deus Ex game, and basic debautchery, I just haven't had time (awww...sad face.)

That being said, Oregon-B is heading up to chill with me for a long weekend and we'll be hitting the Penny Arcarde Expo. It will be an awesome experience of playing new games, speaking to designers and producers, and just bathing in general nerdery for a complete afternoon.

Oh yeah, and there'll be bangin' hot chicks there in Cosplay and various other taudry outfits. Totally forgot about that.

Charlie Mike

2011-08-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

Pretty rough Monday at work, didn't start well...and just ended up getting obscure towards the end.

Oh well.....continue mission.

"Fear Me!...But Follow!"

2011-08-18T21:05:00.001-07:00

Leadership. There are dozens and dozens of theories on the ideas behind leadership.

In my experience, I've found typically a combination of many of them usually works best. I've run into alot of leaders who lead out of fear (i.e. screaming, acting like an ass 24/7) and I've met leaders who are too soft and give too much ground.

Recently I once again had the dubious honor of suspending an employee for acting inappropriately in the workplace. While I never enjoy the discipline aspect of it, there is some level of achievement I feel for wiping out unethical behavior in the workplace. I made this almost a hobby in the Army when I went on the road and sought out Officers who decided they wanted to either throw their rank around, or think they were still in college.

Speaking softly and carrying a big stick is a very strong approach to leadership. When you're working with your subordinates, your job as a leader is to do everything on Earth to support them.

However, when they purposely act insubordinate or refuse to follow orders...well, probably about time to put on the big ol' Iron Fist o' Fury.

"Women Will Always Push Their Values On You"

2011-08-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

Now before you bust out the pitchforks, hear me out.

Both genders have their flaws. Guys are positively no better than women. The fun thing about how each gender sucks is that they suck in completely different ways. Guys tend to be abrasive, insensitive dicks. But that's a different blog entry.

I read this article and thought it was mildly amusing because it basically reinforces that guys need "dude time", or else bad things result. It's funnier because it indirectly sheds light on the fact that women do tend to step between dudes and their friends.

Yes, this is the part of the entry where I come off like a misogynistic freak.

As I pointed out, genders tend to suck in their own way. Where guys are complete douche bags, women tend to be mindlessly controlling and for some reason can ultimately end up believing they're your 2nd mother.

One of the most eye opening things I've heard in a while (and subsequently forgot who said) is that "women will always push their values on you". The more I thought about it, the more I tied it to the nature of nagging that some (not all, so put the torches and pitchforks down) women ultimately end up going to.

From the "you're going out with your friends again" whine to the "how many times do I need to tell you to use a dryer sheet" flame.

Look, just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean my friends take a backseat to you. And if I'm going to so far as to doing the laundry, I'm doing it the way I do laundry. I don't want my shirts and drawers smelling like sunshine and meadows of daisies. You don't like the dryer-sheet-free laundry? You do it.

I've had several friends now that once married, were completely cutoff from all society. And it's never a brazen proclamation by the woman saying "you are now my bitch! Grab my beltloop!" It's typically through a system of nagging and guilting. One friend I had for instance, for the duration of a 3 to 4 hour night we'd be out drinking, would result in him getting at least 2 calls from his wife, and approximately 20 text messages.

Again, I caveat...not all women. But a goooood percentage of them are, at least from my foxhole. So the message is this. We as guys need our dude time, and if you attempt to step between us and our friends, you will be painted in a very negative (and probably fairly so) light. If you want us to do chores, you don't get to set the standard as to how they will be done, because nobody made you Queen shit on how to do dishes. And for God's sake, every man has a mother, we don't need two of them.

Economics...You're Doing It Wrong

2011-08-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

fig. 1-1 Yes, A Monkey Fucking A Football

As I was sitting at my desk today eating lunch, I heard a very, very loud farting noise off in the distance. While my office is near the staff bathroom, it was not any person that ate the wrong thing.

It was our economy taking a massive dook and stinking up the whole place.

Dropping well over 600 points in one day, the news websites are now littered once again of people at Wall Street looking all sad-trombone-faced and pitful. (Which I don't understand, I mean, it's not their money)

While I am not an economist by any means, what is going on with our economy is a big pile of bull shiite. While I have no silver bullet for the economy, I can generally see the following a problem:

- Politicians duking it out until the last possible minute with this latest "debt ceiling" debacle, and acting like complete children in the process. Screw the Republicans for being dominated by the Tea Party nuts, and screw the Democrats for being ineffectual and rolling over on pretty much all fronts. And screw all involved for the self-congratulatory back patting and hand shaking on a "job well done" while over 80% of polled Americans think they acted like complete douches.

- Volitility. It seems in this day in age that if a mosquito farts in Central Asia, our Dow drops 100 points. I don't get this. "Consumer confidence"? Confidence in what? If Allen Greenspan sneezed the price of oil takes a shit and everyone loses their 401(k)s. How did our system get to this point when it used to be just about buying pieces of a company to make a profit? From what I understand, our giant point loss today was from our loss in credit rating (which, I think we deserve, because we're TRILLIONS of dollars in debt) and from fears of what's happening with Europes economy. Dude...really?

- Visas and Foreign Aid. How in the french fucking toast does our government rationalize dumping millions of dollars into assisting other countries and allowing work visas when our economy is going to hell in a handbasket and we have roughly a 10% unemployment rate. Oh sure, we'll cut spending to domestic programs such as medical benefits and mental health services, and yeah, the 1 in 10 Americans are unemployed, but lets go ahead and send millions of dollars over to Ethopia and give a bunch of Europeans the ability to come over and take our high tech, high paying jobs...get trained, and head home. Look, I'm not saying build a giant wall around the country and change our name to Deutchland. I am saying, we need to focus our financial priorities internally. We can't help anyone if we're going down the pipes. And from where I stand right now, I know when people are crying at Wall Street, bad things are happening.

- Subsidies. Okay, so we're giving money to companies who post annual profits. What? I mean seriously? We pay oil companies to produce oil? The same companies that bend us over at the pump (wow that is rife with innuendo) and have a strangle hold on our energy economy even now? And we're paying farmers to not grow crops so the cost of the individual units go higher? WTF. Who thought of subsidies?

- Tax breaks. I'm not claiming to know anything about tax code. That being said, whatever the tax code is, stick to it. Whatever tax breaks are provided by the President, regardless of the President, should be repealed. Just start over.

- Outsourcing. Yes, I get it. Companies that outsource have a higher profit margin because they capitalize on cheaper labor markets in expanding economies. That being said, I've cancelled credit cards because I didn't much care for the idea that someone literally half the planet away was looking at my stuff and trying to troubleshoot me in broken English. Don't get rid of outsourcing, but tax the holy bejeesus out of it to encourage companies to stay local. If more than 20% of their labor pool is out of the US, then just mark them as a non-US business and hammer punch them fiscally.

While I'm not going to jinx myself by saying I'm in a semi-economy resistant job, I kinda am. And unlike last time when this happened, and I was unemployed for a year, I'm glad I am where I am. But it's about time politicians pulled their heads out of their asses and fixed our shit. And no, don't do it for re-election, do it because it's your fucking jobs.

Where Am I And What's Going On??

2011-08-08T09:13:00.001-07:00

Hollywood: Hey Azurael, Anne Hathaway's going to be the next catwoman.

Azurael: What?? Are you serious? God they'll pick anyone for that role! I'm still pissed about Halle Berry!

Hollywood: Well, we're still going to put her in a catsuit and boots.

Azurael: Throw in a motorcycle and you got yourself a deal.

"In All Reality, God Hates You".....

2011-08-04T22:01:00.001-07:00

Okay, I promised myself I would never be sucked into the idiocracy that is tween music, but I saw this and I just lost my composure.

Justin Bieber standing side by side with his dad, after getting "Jesus" tattooed on their sides in Hebrew. There is so much wrong with this pictures, I'm just going to drop the fail bomb in bullet style format:

1) Dude, Justin, between you and me. You just standing there with your shirtless father...kinda looking a bit gay yo. Take your hand off his shoulder.

2) Does your dad play the flute? Tell him soul patches are the earmark of douche.

3) I find it disturbing that both of you have the EXACT same body definition.

4) Seriously...take your hand off his shoulder.

5) And finally, for every douche in the world (starting with you and daddy dearest) who gets a tattoo to show their "love of Jesus/God/deity of choice"

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" (1 Corinthians 6:19)

- You know what this means winners? If you're so stoked to prove your loyality to God, you're kinda screwing it up by marking up the temple of the Spirit with Hebrew, or Chinese, or whatever the fuck language you find fashionable at the time. If you're going to physically espouse your religious beliefs all over your body, at least take the time to read the fucking user's manual first.

Bieber, stop being weird with your dad, and get on the Wheel. Hebrew? Really?

You're family's German fuckface...here's your Coat of Arms:

And what kind of girl has flowers on his Coat of Arms? God you're a little girl down to your heritage!!

No Carbo Loading Here

2011-08-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

fig. 1-1 The Official Shoe of Douches Everywhere

In classic corporate styling, I've spent the last day and a half in meetings with fellow coworkers, accomplishing in 12 hours what could have been done probably in 2, but no matter, I'm still getting paid.

Went to the gym yesterday to do some chest work with my personal trainer. I learned several very awesome things I hope never to relive over the course of my life:

- Panic attacks when you're halfway through doing the incline press of your near max is just awesome. Let's never do that again. Even extra special for my trainer who thought his training methods would be responsible for exploding my heart.

- Had some blonde check staring at me while I was using the cables. Not checking me out, no. She was dead on squared up to me staring at me from about 5 feet away. Per my usual tactic, I completely avoided eye contact as I'm pretty sure it was due to an issue of disgust with me as a person, and not because I look awesome when I'm sweating buckets of sweat.

- Was at day three of not smoking, and remembered that nothing is better after a heavy lift than a cigarette. Man, I miss smoking. So instead I compensated by just coming home and eating a mountain of Dots candies and ramen.

Great.

Bonus Blog! Something Is Now Rotten

2011-08-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

Dear MTV,

Happy Birthday on turning 30.

Why do you call yourself MTV? You don't play music videos any more. Hell, even MTV2 doesn't play music videos any more.

All you really do is play nothing but reality tv these days. The Real World started that trend, am I right? How's selling out your entire original fan base so you can show the world how retarded Snooki is?

In closing, to you and everyone currently associated with your network who continues to crap on the original intent of MTV when it was created (while you were still a dirty thought in your fathers brain), go fuck yourselves. The whole lot of you.

Love and kisses,

Azurael

Did I Miss It?

2011-08-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

Another weekend has passed on by and I have little to show for it except a haircut and entering day 1 of not smoking (yes again....I know, I posted a while back I stopped...that's before I lost my smart phone and lost track).

As of today, I've had one glass of wine in the last 2 months. Enter into the non-smoking world and the weekends should continue to get much duller. Don't drink, don't smoke...what do I do?

Xbox. Lots of it. And when that gets old, I go back to the old school computer games that literally take weeks to beat (if you're playing them on the right difficulty level).

Oregon-B will be up this next weekend, won't he be dutifully suprised that his drinking buddy is on the wagon. Oh well, nothing ALOT of caffine can't replace!

I don't really have an end date of my prohibition on booze, I guess just when I know I've got a bit more self control and actually remember how to say "when"......oh yeah, and not wake up after a Saturday night bender with someone else's barf on the back of my shirt.

(And for the record, any grown non-Amish adult that says you can have fun without drinking is full of it.)

Bonus Blog! Why Not Be Diet Evil?

2011-07-28T16:15:00.000-07:00

Behold....Krystal Meyers. Listening to her music but not the lyrics (and wholly disregarding the crappiness that is this video), her stuff isn't that bad.

Upon closer review, yeah...she's a Christian singer. While I'm not against Christian bands, sometimes they tend to sound a bit the same. She's not bad because she has a wide range of musical sounds.

That all being said, if she went metal, even not totally (i.e. Anthrax but rather Flyleaf) metal...she would be way better.

And for f*cks sake, lose the pink-and-pearl-necklace ensemble. We know you're all good and stuff, but man, don't go cliche on the world.

Does It Hurt To Be So Wrong?

2011-07-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

Fi-hinally some justice in this world. Although my current faith in the justice system is currently bubbling around nhil, it's starting to perk up after hearing this glorious decision.

A judge from the San Francisco Supreme court has knocked-the-f*ck-out an initiative that would have banned circumcision from a ballot to be voted on by the (now crazies) people of the area. The judge ruled that it would regulate a medical procedure and that there's point in it being on the ballot.

And on a non-judicial point of view, would have had a disparate impact against religious views that believe circumcision should occur for all males upon birth.

And on a personal view, no, it's not f*cking torture, and it isn't even remotely comparable to female circumcision that damages nerve clusters and results in loss of sensitivity. Just because you a$$holes think that uncut junk is "natural" and "right", doesn't mean you're a few bananas short of a bunch. It's been proven (yes, it HAS been proven) by the World Health Organization to reduce the possibly of certain STD transmissions, PLUS it's easier to keep the cash and prizes clean (i.e. no smegma...yeah, I said it).

First of all, mad props to the Honorable Loretta Giorgi. Good decision judge. You're alright in my book.

Second of all, this now makes me wonder about the legal precendence set about the inability of government to "regulate a medical procedure". Wouldn't this apply to abortion?

I'll stop at that....just makes me think.

Then I think of uncut junk and I throw up.

Where I'd Rather Be....

2011-07-27T14:51:00.001-07:00

For some reason, the past few weeks have been pretty uneventful. Getting up at the buttcrack of dawn (well, almost), going to work, plinking through some very minor, unenergizing projects for 8 hours, listening to Jango, and blogging when I get the chance. Then I go home, typically I'll sit on the couch and watch tv until it's bedtime.

I began reflecting on what I used to do in the evenings during the weekend to have fun, and this is what I've boiled up:

- High School: Had alot of friends, and an EARLY curfew...so, not much.

- College: Worked...alot. On top of a full load at school and ROTC labs to tend to.

- Army: Worked. If I got bored, I'd typically throw on my duty belt and go fight crime for 10-12 hours over the evening/weekend. During not that time, I'd sit around my townhouse watching crappy 90's movies or playing long, boring games on my Playstation 2. Or, you know...porn.

- K-Mart: Drank. Alot.

- HR Job: Actually was going out and being quite a bit social. Had lot of friends that didn't end up getting married and/or weird until a bit later on. Probably the height of my social activities since college.

- Unemployment: The day and evening kinda mixed together, so gaming and drinking. And looking for a job. ALOT.

- Currently: Before my hiatus from drinking...drinking. Now, it's either meeting with my personal trainer, drinking tea, playing video games, or...well...porn.

Wow...I need some f**king friends.

Great...Now The World Thinks Were Idiots...Again.

2011-07-26T16:02:00.001-07:00

*Sigh* Okay, here we go:

In this article, Glenn Beck pretty much compared the recent young victims of the terrorist attack in Norway as being members of Hitler Youth.

This is ordinarily where I would attack every fiber of his being, to include the fact that he was born in Washington state, his mom (as he reports) committed suicide, most likely because he was the product of a failed abortion that lived. Or just the simple fact that this guy makes Hitler look like a Care Bear.

But this guy is SO F**KING STUPID, I can't really even bring myself to waste my hard earned energy on dumping on ever aspect of this waste of carbon.

So I'd rather just address him directly.

"Dear Mr. Beck,

Why are you so f**king stupid? Are you aware pretty much nobody likes you and you're making Rush Limbaugh look like a genius? Doesn't it bug you that you make Bill O'Reilly look like a moderate liberal? Arn't you concerned that you're slowly making me wonder who I'd rather take a corn laden dump on between you and Ann Coulter?

It's one thing to be a giant bag of retard gas, but when your rants result in sh*tting on victims of another country, implying Nazism against one of our allies in WWII, doesn't that concern you? Just because you're trying to be the worlds biggest a$$hole doesn't mean you need to paint the United States that way.

God if I were you, I'd be depressed because I'd be such a pile of sh*t that no one would waste a bullet on me to shut me up.

STOP TALKING.

Love and regards,

Azurael"

Bonus Blog! Where Were You When I Was Rollin' Die...

2011-07-25T21:53:00.001-07:00

This picture is of several Comicon goers this year.

Where were these girls when I was growing up. Wait, let me answer that. They didn't exist yet. Much like the Internet, these girls were not yet in existence.

What makes me even more angry, I can't fathom what women that do this are thinking. Do they know they're driving the nerds bonkers by looking this good (and nerdy)?

But seriously, where the f**k were these women hiding?!

Not Of This World

2011-07-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Along time ago when I was living the great area of Northern Idaho, I had thoughts of living in Seattle. Liked the idea of rain and less than alot of sun.

After several sweltering summers and winters in Missouri, I REALLY wanted to live in Seattle.

And after Iraq, hands down, need overcastness, mild climates, and rain.

Fastforward several years....yeah, I'm done liking Seattle. And you know, it's not really the city itself that I don't like. I actually like the infrastructure of the city. The small neighborhoods, the ranging types of terrain, and a crazy a$$ amount of trees.

No, it's not the city...it's the f**king people. Crackie after crackie, bum after bum, I begin to loathe this place more and more.

But who I am to drone on in narrative? Get your guns cause I got the bullets.

I don't belong in Seattle because:

Food

- If I can't pronounce it, I'm (probably) not going to put it in my mouth. Pear–jicama slaw or Kurobuta bacon? Seriously?

- I refuse to pay $2 more for an onion that is organic, and not treated with pesticides. I mean seriously, it grew in the ground.

- Foodies. Aka, people that looooove food. (read: faaaaaat)

- A f**king farmers market at 6 pm on a Thursday evening right up the street near my apartment? Seriously? WHO DOES THAT?

- Cupcakes. Huge in Seattle. And expensive in Seattle.

Booze

- Drinking an IPA tastes like I juiced 20 pounds of hops and chugged it under 3 seconds. Seriously guys, remember the days when beer wasn't supposed to be bitter? Your "microbrew" tastes like the brewer took a majorduke in it.

- Bars. Expensive. $20 drinks? Yeah, they exist. And no, they don't come with a set of car keys or a pretty girl.

- Not found in strip clubs. And no, I don't want a gross lap dance or a $5 coke.

- Wine bars, much worse. Appetizers (again, made of literally the unpronouncible) that are about $100, and a glass of wine that costs three times as much as the bottle? How about no?

- The people of Seattle have decided in their finite wisdom that liquor laws need to keep booze in the hands of the state, and not the grocery store. Parents...if you're kids are going to get booze, they're not going to swipe it from the store, they're going to get a buyer.

Pet Owners (i.e. just the dog owners)

- I don't have a dog. And if I did have a dog, I wouldn't do what 99% of Seattle dog owners would do, and f**k my dog in the a$$ every chance I got.

- "Wag More"? What the f**k does that bumper sticker mean? Oh yeah, I don't f**k my dog.

- Bars are for people. Stores are for people. Restaurants are for people. NOT DOGS. And no, if that is your "service dog", show me it's f**king papers.

- Yes, I said "it". Your dog is not equal to a human.

Sports

- The University of Washington Huskies. Yes, I will relent, they are a good football team. Will I call them a "Dawg"? No. Will I ever place any interest into any college sports? F**k no.

- I was glad to see the Sonics go. In fact, I wish I could have been the proverbial doorman to hold the proverbial door from hitting their actual asses on the way out.

- I hate the Mariners. They are terrible at baseball.

- I hate the Thunderbirds. Did you know Seattle had a pro-hockey team? Yeah, neither did I until I googled "Seattle professional hockey team".

- I hate the Sounders. They are terrible at soccer.

- And no, nobody likes soccer. And I get that the rest of the world likes soccer, but it's because the majority of it is poor, and can only afford a patch of grass and a soccer ball.

People

- I'm a pretty liberal person here, but sweet crap, some people here make me look like Ghengis Khan. (And no, I'm obviously not for "medicinal marijuana")

- If I smell patchouli one more time, I swear to Moses I will black out and wake up surrounded by dead hippies.

- Gay pride parade. Let me caveat by saying, all people have the right to live the way they want to. That being said, gay and lesbian community, you'll probably get your equal rights and respects a bit sooner when you're not prancing down the street dressed wearing ass-less chaps and looking like a scene from Caligula.

- There's a legion of cyclists here. But no, not the Lance Armstrongs that train to compete nationally and internationally. They're typically unshaven, kinda fat, ignore traffic laws including helmets, and apparently are just DYING for an excuse to shave their legs like some weirdo freak.

- People cannot drive in Seattle. Apparently in city limits, turning on your hazards means you can park anywhere. Turn signals and speed limits? Totally optional.

- I will never be able to blend a guy who has crack-induced-Parkinson's into the background. I find it repulsive and viscerally disturbing everytime.

- I don't give bums money, because the idea is that they will go away after a while.

Starbucks

- Your coffee is over roasted, over priced pee water.

- If your brand is working so well, why do you have to own Seattle's Best all sneaky like?

There's more. Hell, I learn something new I hate about this city everyday....but this blog is already too long.

Math Doesn't Do You Justice

2011-07-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

I love women. Everytime I see an attractive woman, I thank God I'm a heterosexual male with fully functioning eyesight and body parts.

But as I've thought about women, even the finest of all women (See my "Top 5 List"), are good alone, but for some reason, they're just way more finer in a group. Even if they're not in any type of discernable, established group or community, even looking alike, I think it just makes each member of the group incrementally hotter.

String Quartets: "Escala"

I'm a sucker for a woman who knows how to play a violin. I am a HUGE sucker for four women that know how to play stringed instruments, and just happen to love to wear leather and heels.

Another String Quartet: "Bond"

I'm beginning to notice a theme here between strings and leather. Hmmm.

Chicks In Fetishwear
Ladies, the male mind tends to go a bit haywire when they see a woman dressed as though she's going to put you in alot of pain. And I can guarentee you his head will be close to exploding if there are four of you.

The 2008 Summer Olympics: The Russian Gymnasts

One gymnast, hot. A team of gymnasts? Call the fire department.

Chick Rock Bands: "Drain STH"

Double bonus here, foreign and all chicks. Notice how even the semi-homely one on the right appears to be somewhat more attractive? (Trust me, they look way better actually playing musical instruments)

Nerd Fantasy Chicks: "Slave Leia"

Now, while not one of my personal cups of tea, most nerds I know dig heavy on the Slave Leia fantasy. I can't even imagine the protein stains involved should they talk the wrong turn at a Comic Con and walk into this photo shoot.

Comic Convention: "Alike-Cosplay-Girls"

Chicks dressed up in anything abormal will pretty much light the fire under a guy. Yeah, we're pretty simple minded like that. Although it typically helps if said costuming is slutty in nature and made of the tightest fitting material known to man.

Either way, any pack of these women could jump me in a dark alley and I'm pretty sure I'd be a-okay.

The Most Common STD? Babies.

2011-07-21T15:17:00.001-07:00

I was debating today whether to blog on this topic or something about bunches of chicks and how awesome they are over chicks who are solo. Call me insane, but hate got the better of me and I decided to rant about how much I hate babies.

Yes, I said it, I hate babies. I don't care whose baby it is, I hate IT.

Now fair to say, my hatred of babies isn't spawned from what babies actually are, but more of societies view on them. Somehow, with each passing decade, it seems as though society as a whole is more focused on "the future generation" and less about the current living decade. And moreover, there is such social pressure to have children now, apparently "bastard" is no longer a bad thing to have. People are becoming obsessed with crapping these things out at such an alarming rate, they basically allow it to possess their life.

I've born witness to many couples who end up having kids, and watch as their social lives die a very slow, hideous, torturous death at the hands of what is essentially an anchor in a diaper. No sleep, being covered in whiz/poop/vomit, constant crying, bills out the wazoo, and even the enormous battle damage they do to the woman's body upon birth just doesn't strike me as worth it. I value my free time too much. I like being responsible for myself and myself alone. I like being able to eat crappy foods, leave the apartment whenever I want, beat off whenever I want, and play Xbox until all hours of the night. Having a baby would not only retard my ability to do stuff I want but when I want.

And yes, I've heard the classic defenses: "it's different when they're yours" and "you're going to grow up lonely" and "who will carry on the family name" and finally, "you'd make a great father".

My answers are this in summation:

- Yes, it is different, because I can't hand them back to the parents when they drop a deuce in their diaper, or decide to cry for 10 hours at a time. I'm required, by law, to keep them safe and secure until they get unruly as a teenager and I can kick their a$$ out of my house.

- Grow up lonely? No. That's what women are for. Trust me, I can replicate what a baby might provide me the same with hookers and blow.

- Who will carry on the family name? My brother's kids. There's three of them now, that's all our lineage needs. Trust me, we're set for a few more generations. This all besides the LEGIONS of cousins I have living in Missouri. There's those guys too....

- I would make a great father? Let's do the math there glass-half-full. I drink about 4 energy drinks a day, I rarely floss, I sleep at least until noon every weekend morning, I drink like a fish, and I have a habit of letting my rage for the world explode out of me in hour long cuss tyraids. I can barely care for myself, nonetheless care for a kid. Trust me, if I'm saying I wouldn't be a good father. Just nod and go along with it.

No, I don't think your baby is cute, so stop showing me pictures, and for f*ck's sake, stop making it your Facebook profile picture. When that happens, I tend to break my mouse finger deleting and blocking you from any further contact.

Furthermore, your babies are currently already ruining my world. I no longer enjoy a flight anywhere without hearing your kid (yes, your kid makes noise...they are not an angel, you've just learned how to tune it out) babble and scream their head off. I can no longer go to a movie theater in peace (seriously, who the f**k brings a baby to a movie that is rated R and starts at 9 pm? Shouldn't that little bastard be in bed?). And I sure as hell cannot go to a restaurant because regardless of the upscale-ness of the restaurant, someone always has a fleet of children who act as though they've been given 10 shots of adrenaline and a coffee enema.

And the classic towards non-breeders that we're being "selfish" is just gay. Really?? I'M being selfish? You're the inconsiderate f**kwad who thinks having a kid is something to brag about, then expects "the village to raise a kid". No, I have absolutely no requirement in my life to suffer for your kid. You should feel lucky enough that every time your baby starts crying for hours and hours, typically in a business I've paid some sort of admission or service charge to be in, that I don't pick it up and punt it football style out of the nearest window. You've decided to be a parent, if you're going to be all high and mighty about it, then f**king act like it. Showing off pictures and prattling on about your thing a good parent does not make alone.

And finally, and most importantly, the state of being pregnant is by all means a hideous sight. Beyond looking like a hippopotamus with a gland problem, the body is going insane trying to adapt to the fact that another human is being created. Hormones, flatulence, mucus plugs...it's all just a hideous sight. I've heard many man say they've never been more turned on then when their wives were pregnant. My theory behind that f**king stupid statement is this: when their wives were not pregnant, they weren't putting out. After she became pregnant and subsequently horny, she starting putting out alot...thusly, guy associates pregnant with booty banquet. And the actual act of delivering a kids is even more hideous. TV shows fail to mention that you'll "pee, puke, poop and fart in a room full of complete strangers". Yes, I'm from the generation that saw the "Miracle of Birth" video, and I'm still scarred by it. Seeing a human explode out of the genitals of another human is something that, when you think about it, seems like something you'd watch in Creepshow V.

Tapping Into My Nerdiness Past

2011-07-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

">

There are so many reasons why this video makes me happy, I just don't even know where to start....and I'm not going to.

Bonus Blog! I Pick My Poison (And It's Not Your Milkshake)

2011-07-15T15:52:00.001-07:00

It's now been 1.5 months since I've had my last drink and...

...still blows.

But I've noticed that I've been good about finding various beverages to fill my consumption needs with. Most notibly is the Monster Energy Import drank. Crediting other then my consistant need to be caffinated, this drink is fancy and fun because it has a resealable lid just in case you're not able to finish the whole can (which, for most energy drink drinkers...shouldn't be a problem).

The downside of said lid is that after it has been opened and closed, when you reopen it, it fires off a money shot sized spray of energy drink inside of the same lethal radius of a hand grenade (5 meters for those of you keeping track). Suffice to say, prepare to go to a Gallagher show if you plan on drinking one of these.... you WILL get sticky.

My Music Shields My Ears From Your Insanity

2011-07-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

Dear The Corrs,

I would like to add you as a band who I recently have grown very fond of while listening to Jango. Your voices are wonderful to listen to, as are your lyrics. And I'm of course not forgetting the fact that you're a bunch of really smokin' hot Irish chicks (and some dude).

Thanks again,

Azurael

Knee Deep In Nerdery

2011-07-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

Found out this week XBox is finally doing some justice to those fans of us who looooove Warhammer 40k. They're releasing two new games (one already released - "Warhammer 40K: Kill Team" other - "Warhammer 40k: Space Marine) and they are just awesome to look at.

I never really got into this stuff much until I played the original strategy game for Warhammer 40k. But after I did, instant love at first game.

Not familiar with Warhammer 40k or Space marines? Well, here's the gist: Very distant future, God is now a really old guy kept alive by machines ("God Emperor"), humans are typically Space Marines who are giant hulking people with tons of implants and heavy a$$ ceramic armor who kill in the name of God.

If you ask me, that's good clean family fun!

Bonus Blog! Stream Of Passion y Goodness

2011-07-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Marcela Bovio,

I recently discovered you and your band. Thank you for being a fantastic singer, thank you for not being part of the American "pre-built" music that is currently being produced, and most of all, thank you for being slammin' hot.

Respectfully,

Azurael

Finally The World Knows My Pain

2011-07-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

Finally in a move of brilliance, this article reports a resturant owner who has now banned children under the age of 6 from entering his resturant.

AWESOME.

Naturally with these articles, I like to go directly to the comments section and see all the self-righteous parents prattling on about how they always go out to eat with their herd of offspring and neeeevvveerr have a problem. Correction breeders, you never percieve a problem. What parents arn't aware of is that they develop the ability to drown out every hideous shriek, yelp, and snot bubble kids produce during the course of dinner. While it may be background noise to parents, for those of us not retarded enough to drag out uber-young kids hours past their bed time, these sounds after dropping $50+ on dinner and wine is equivelent to the sound of my cat puking for a solid 3 minutes (i.e. the gross pumping sound).

The bottom line is this, it doesn't matter HOW well behaved your result-of-a-backseat-grope-session-and-broken-profilactic is, there are times and places for children to be. Ten at night in a resturant and ANY casino in Vegas are not acceptable places to have the little snots. You want family play time, go to f**king Disneyland, and let the rare few of us who have decided to reserve our adult freedom enjoy it in some piece and quiet.

And no, I don't think your kid is adorable or special in anyway.

Alway Cleaning Up

2011-07-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

Ah the joys of leadership, not only worrying about fixing your own crap when it goes awry, but cleaning up after your subordinates when they mess up and your boss is looking.

They didn't talk about this in my military leadership classes.

The Justice System Just Made Me Ga-Vomit

2011-07-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

So in a "shocking" twist, Casey Anthony was aquitted of murder charges.

I say "shocking", not because the defense did a sh*t job in defending, but rather for the fact that I'm not suprised (continually) by the collective stupidty of juries in this day in age. When the forefathers said a "jury of your peers", I think they underestimated how stupid people would become in the next couple hundred years.

The fact that the jury would allow the defenses "this? How about this? No? This" argument tactics just makes me ill. Okay, even if she was molested, what does that have to do with justifying murder?

Despite the fact that I wasn't physically in the courtroom to become nauseated by the defenses full arguements, the fact was there. This crazy b*tch knew of her own daughter's death, and failed to disclose the fact to authories? Foul play involved? Possibly not intended, but her actions killed her kid.

Juries are f**king stupid. They should be a professional panel of people that KNOW the system and evidentiary procedures. Not your average, knuckle dragging college drop out.

And once again, you have to ask yourself, if she was a guy, would she have been found guilty? Hmmm...

I swear to crap, if Amanda Knox wins her appeal, I will just implode with rage.

The Redbull! It Does Nothing!!

2011-06-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

My entired body except for my chest hurts from a rampage of gym visits, long days at work, and less then desirable cuisines of brautwursts for dinner every night.

Attempted cure? More energy drinks, go to the gym and work on my chest, and try not to go to bed too early.

Weirdest thing, any time I go to bed super early, I end up feeling hungover the next morning, even if I'm not hungover! Not fair to pay the price for a product I don't get to enjoy.

Enough of me! News breakdown!

Don't Flip Off Attorneys In A Courtroom!

I Don't Do 5 Hour Energy!!

Don't Call The President A Dick On Live Television! Especially if you're a journalist!!

Everyday Is More Epic...er. Epicer? Epicker? Better.

2011-06-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

fig 1.1 - What my soul looks like. No, not "old". Just crotchety.

Had a community meeting today at work where I meet with various organizations from outside of my little universe of work. Never too excited about it because it almost feels like I'm having said personnel come to my place of work so I can brag about what I'M doing. Hmm.

It went over surprisingly well. Lots of conversation. Lots of good feedback.

And fortunately, the half of a Monster Energy drink I had spilled on my crotch only 20 minutes before had dried and there was no perception of lost bladder control.

Successful meeting.

Winzor Tuesday

2011-06-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

Rarely do I blog this early in the day, but I've stumbled across several articles that make me very happy. Not only as a cynical bastard that wants to watch the world suffer, but because occasionally, and I mean with extreme rarity, does the world actually make a good decision as a whole.

An Airline decided to ban children from 1st class on long distance flights, and is looking to ban them on additional flights. First of all....YAY. Secondly, I think it's funny that the typical people that thought this was a bad decision on Facebook were people who have baby pictures as their profile pictures. While I'm not caffinated enough to go on my typical rants, I will simply say it's about godd*m time they finally did this. I've always thought of firing up my own business line of "children free" everything. Children free grocery stores, airlines, movie theaters, resturants, etc.etc.etc. We've gotten to the point in society where people put SO MUCH value and pride into their children, where it basically negates their own personal identities. Yes, I got the fact that you're a parent...but you're still a f*cking human capable of your own achievements and failures. Stop beating people about the head and shoulders about "children's rights", or I swear I'll slap you and feed a banana to that monkey you call a child.

Violent Video Games are safe (for now) from the crushing oppression of parents everywhere when a law in California attempted to ban the sale of violent video games. Being an avid gamer, and once having been a teenage boy, I think whoever thought up this law needs to get their panties unknotted and get with the real world. The supporters are most likely the same as the ones who disagree with the airline thing. They, for some reason think, this is an appropriate area for the government to step in and do their job. This would be the point where they say "violent games make kids violent" and yes I have read the research. But you know, movies do that. Hormones certainly do that (man puberty was rough), and for craps sake, it's a video game. Cartoons! Not real!

That's pretty much it for today! Like I said, the victories are too far and in between. But if victory means less babies and continued violent video games...well, I call it a win!!

Bonus Blog! - The People Have...Um..Spoken?

2011-06-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

I use a traffic tracker on my blog to check from time to time how my blog is doing viewership wise. While I don't say it enough, I'm greatful for the people who spare a moment to read my rantings and incoherent thoughts. Makes this worth it. :)

That being said, it has a "keyword analysis" function which shows what keyword searches generally lead to my website from various search engines. It's broken down from 100% for percentages for each search term that leads to my site...and I must say, the results are terrifying.

17.54% - "Funny fat kid"
5.26% - "Kate Beckinsale body"
1.75% - "Untietoiletoutearth"

What?? Come on' guys. Nobody's searching "Rants", "The Wheel List", or "Boots"?

Good Crap It's In My Brain

2011-06-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

This song is very catchy, but honestly, the lyrics are hideous.

Bonus Blog! - ASL Is No Mah Friend

2011-06-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

So typically Tuesday's are the night to accompany a friend (from ASL class, aka, ASL Wondertwin or ASLWT for short) to a local gay bar to practice ASL.

After the past few Tuesdays, I'm thinking I might be hanging up my ring, and no longer doing the "form of...the only straight guy at community ASL night!".

Why you ask? Awesome, read on.

For some reason, in the city of Seattle, there is a very unusual trend that I've found that alot of deaf people (or "deafies" as they call themselves) are gay. Or at least the ones that go to all of the community ASL classes I've been to. While my ASLWT is a woman, I typically find myself on the sidelines just sitting back having (now) a coke and a smile and pretty much wallflowering until the class is over.

Is ASL a fun and unique language? Absolutely. Am I glad I learned it? Hell to the yes. Am I willing to subject myself to being in a mega-gay bar every Tuesday where I'm pretty much ignored by the plague so I can practice my ABC's, colors, numbers, and types of food? Uhm...no.

While I feel bad finally hanging up the three year belt of helping out my ASLWT, I've come to the full realization of the following:

1) I'm just not extroverted enough to pull up striking up a conversation, let alone a signed conversation, with a complete stranger.

2) I am waaaay to straight to sit there and just be hammered in the eyes (because deaf people can't speak) with joke after joke concerning only dicks, drag queens, and buttf**king. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic by any means, but dude, I know you're gay...got the memo 20 limp wrists ago.

3) Believe it or not, the Deaf Community (yes, they have a community) is very clannish and is a bit spiteful of "hearing" people. Why? Well, you would be too if mainstream society looked down on a subculture of you and other people for being different. That being said, Deaf Community, I've made the effort to learn your language, culture, and what you advocate for. So when I say I understand what you just said, don't be a f**king prick and make me repeat it back to you. I sure as sh*t don't ask you to enunciate.

4) Interpreters (typically college aged girls) are just snobbish as hell....yeah, pretty much all I got on that.

5) While I do appreciate the ability to drink at community classes, I'm not a huge fan of being awarded shot after shot of signing at a higher level then most. That's typically when I start to actual slur my sign language.

6) No point in keeping my ASL up in that..well, I have no deaf friends.

*Sigh* Awesome.

How Dry Is I?

2011-06-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

So it's been about 21 days since I've drank last and so far, well...it's a bit annoying to tell the truth.

I decided to take an extended (unlike previously) hiatus from drinking following too much drunken debatchery occurred one night that just involved me making too may authority figures in my life alittle to grumpy about my behavior.

Overall it's been pleasant not having to worry about dealing with hangovers both at work and especially on the weekends. I have noticed a significant loss of some problematic weight (don't get me wrong, I'm not fat by any means) gain in my torso. And not to mention saving the money that I've typically spent keeping many local bars in business.

That all being said, it's only after you stop drinking do you realize how much drinking makes everything more fun. Gaming is fun. Gaming with a buzz is ALOT of fun. Hanging out? Kinda dull. Hanging out and drinking. Always fun. And nothing on Earth goes better with pizza than beer.

Well, bottom line is I'm going to let other people be the "drunken shenanigans" guy for a while instead of me. I've tempted fate waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many times, I'm concerned I'm all outta dice when it comes to not punching an angry biker or puking on a nun.

RIP Ryan Dunn

2011-06-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

Much to the weakness of today, found out that one of my favorite members of Jackass passed away this morning in a car wreck. While there is speculation about drunken driving, this just sucks uber hard. I've grown up with Jackass pretty much since it started up and Dunn has always been one of my favorite members.

Dunn was always the gritty guy who seemed to play along even when he wasn't really up for it. He definately seemed like a good guy that would go out for a beer and have a decent conversation with, and seemed alittle less shallow then the rest.

And as for Roger Ebert chiming in so close to Dunn's passing, you know what you jawless f**kwad, how about having a bit of a compassion. Especially after so many people showed you compassion after you went through a life altering event. Regardless of whether or not Dunn was DWI, f**k you for immediately jumping on his death and putting what you believe to be a humorous twist on it. Seriously? What the f**k is wrong with you.

In Dunn's honor, and to piss in your Wheaties, I'm gonna go home and eat a big a$$ candied apple and Cracker Jacks.

Rest In Peace Dunn.

I Can't Be Negative All Of The Time

2011-06-13T15:24:00.001-07:00

In reviewing some of my past entries, I realize I've turned what should have been my periodic ramblings into more of a "grump-a$$" board where I can just piss and moan about stuff that irks me. And for avid followers, it's no mystery that there's ALOT of crap on this Earth that just riles me all up. So in an effort for a more PC, user friendly blog, these are a few of my favorite things:

DOTS

Dots are the bomb. Not only are they far superior to JuJu Bees (because you can actually chew them), but they can also double as a meal replacement. Seriously, a large box typically has about 800 calories. Good for eating on the go when your bastard of a boss won't afford you a lunch break.

Female Fronted Bands

After American bands started going down the toilet (circa American Idol), I began looking across the oceans for different bands that didn't suck or sound like cookie cutter sounds. There I found a bevy of bands, mostly who are fronted by female lead singers. As fruity as it may sound, I prefer female lead singers because they have better voices, and the ones from Europe tend to use more vocal range and have more talent then American singers (i.e. F**k you Courtney Love)

Chicks In Boots
Definately no mystery to most readers, I am a pretty big fan of the Fall season. Why? Chicks wearin' boots! That's why! In all seriousness, I'm not entirely clear why this fashion look is so awesome. Maybe because it presents a look where women exude more power or confidence. Maybe because the term "f**k me boots" screams in my head everytime I see them. No idea... all I do know is that I just wish it was Fall all the time. (caveat #1 - Uggs are not boots ) (caveat #2 - I'm also a huge fan of corsets and latex...see above)

Denny's

While I am an avid supporter of Jack In The Box, Denny's has always been my weapon of choice when it comes to artery clogging goodness. Provided their inability to provide me with a side of sour cream when I ask for it (try it, bet you don't get it), their "bacon-flavored-everything" just captures my attention everytime I see their commercials. And don't even get me started on their skillets!

Gaming

Most pretty much view it as pissing away time until something fun crops up, but for me and my close band of (few) friends, quite the opposite. Gamers pretty much have their own subculture these days, and it's one of the few things I know I can say I'm wicked awesome at (piano? No, I stopped that sh*t years ago). And as being an avid gamer since computers were referred to as "386-SX 33's", I take serious issue with the gaming industry attempting to pull families into the fray. Heeeelllll no. Get the hell outta my world. Go back to taking family pictures while ya'll are wearing the same shirt. And for f**k's sake, throw away your Wii.

Chick Gamers

While the concept is awesome, I've yet to actually meet a woman who is good at gaming. And I don't mean good enough to play Halo where they spend the majority of their time attempting to figure out the Y-Axis look controls and actually shoot an enemy. I mean a girl that can crush me at Halo, or can whoop my a$$ at Tron on the arcade cabinet. I'm talking about a girl that knows what a 3D6+2 means, or knows the story of the rise of the Chaos forces from the Warhammer 40k lore. Huh? Crickets? Yeah...I thought so.

Goth Chicks

Early on in my life, these were girls that I'd quite literally cut my own foot off and give to them if they asked. Later on that same life, I learned that if chicks looked gothy (aka "Chelsea Girls"), there was typically something MASSIVELY wrong with them. Not like the age 15-19 phase gothic chicks, I'm talking mid-late 20's. Yikes. So at this point in my life, I've learned that they're like Ming vases, awesome to look at, but don't even think about touching one....or you will pay...dearly.

WhiskeyBooze in general is one of my most favorite things, however, Scotch and Whiskey take the cake. After adding multi-booze drinks to my Murtough list, I found that sippin' Whiskey is a good time had by all. Although I'm currently "on the wagon" as it were, I look forward to the chance to meeting my good friend Bushmills again.

Sleep

Something I'm still catching up on from my Army days, sleep is just awesome. Like most teenagers, if given the chance, I WILL sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. And yes, I drool like a busted water main.

PORN

So, in light of the fact that I typically blog from work, I couldn't actually google a remotely amusing half pic of porn, so I just went with this space saver. In keeping with the bachelor contract I signed before birth, I have a massive box of porn in my gaming room, as well as a share drive pretty much devoted to storing it. Sad? Probably. Do I know more about human sexuality and crazy a$$ sexual dealings than 99.5% of humanity? ABSOLUTELY.

Victory Ain't Yours You Burnout B*tch!

2011-06-09T21:12:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know me, I f**king hate drugs. I f**king hate people that say drugs should be legal. I f**king hate people who try to sell it off as being medically needed. I f**king hate people who all they do is jack off to the idea of buying weed in a 7-11 in the future. And I f**king HATE people that somehow try to justify having a "medical marijuana card".

Yeah yeah, I can already hear the common retorts:

- "Caffeine is a drug"

- "Weed is natural"

- "Weed is less harmful than alcohol"

- "Weed has good medicinal effects"

- "If weed was legal, we could just tax it and eliminate the deficit"

- "Weed is so good...hold on, I gotta go jack off with a handful of weed"

Well, all you hippies can go f**k yourself and your excuses to get high and not risk actually breaking the law. Why? Washington state just laid down Some Ultimate F**KING JUSTICE through a decision by the State Supreme Court that decided that employees can still be fired for testing positive for weed even if they have a "medical marijuana card". All because a Sprint employee was fired for using the crap, and claimed discrimination.

Guess what b*tch? Weed usage AIN'T Title VII protected. Detroit.

I thought about putting my counter arguments to weed legalization up on this post, but I really don't owe all the weed-beaters out there my reasons (which are right of course) why this sh*t shouldn't be legal. However, I can cite a very positive quote:

"Don't do drugs because hippies smoke pot, and hippies suck" - Cartman

The Army Woke Up In Me, And He's Very Very Pissed

2011-06-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

I've been off the blogosphere for the typical reasons. Work, work, more work, a bit of personal drama, booze, and most notably, quitting smoking.

I haven't smoked since Monday morning at 12:30 am and so far so good. I even have a smart phone app that tracks the money I save and the hours I don't spend puffing away, and while I can't exactly say I'm stoked about quitting smoking (because..uh, cigarettes are awesome?!), I am glad because I only recently became aware that the phenonena, "Sudden Death", is linked closely to smoking...especially if you're over 30. And yes, it's pretty much what it sounds like, you just keel over dead. Not really my style.

In news elsewhere, it sounds like through the family blog, my father's twin brother (or my uncle) is having several medical issues. At the risk of sounding greedy, we're not ready for anything medically to happen with the family right now. My father and my uncle have been essentially by each other's side since they were born, even serving in Vietnam together. And I can't imagine the damage that would ripple through the family if anything happened at this point.

I swear, some days sh*t is just raining, and I'm the motherf**ker that's left holding the mop.

And I Forgot To Cancel My Paper

2011-05-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

So according to some Creationist dillhole, supposidly all the self righteous Christians (btw, I am Christian, believe it or not) will be raptured tomorrow. Really? Seriously?

Now albeit, if it does actually happen, according to the "rapture criteria", I'll be here blogging on Monday, and eating about a ton of humble pie (along with brimstone and the 4 horsemen and whatevers supposed to happen).

Anyway, when 6 pm passes (supposed rapture time), I would love to be there to pimp slap Harold Camping square in his donut masher and say "where's your Rapture now b**ch!?"

Honestly, anyone that can seriously believe this, probably should be floated off the Earth for anywhere but here.

See you Post-Rapture!

"Never Rub Another Mans Rhubarb!"

2011-05-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

In a wildly disturbing news article, a measure is appearing on a San Francisco ballot to ban male circumcision, with the supporters of the ban claiming that it's "genital mutilation".

Okay retards, let's break this sh*t down barney style because you obviously don't know your ass from a hole in the ground:

- Female Circumcision is different from Male Circumcision in that Female Circumcision is viewed by the World Health Organization (WHO) as violence against women, where as male circumcision is viewed by the WHO as being a proactive choice to reduce the transmission of HIV. Furthermore, female circumcision damages parts of the body that allow for sexual stimulation (i.e. nerve clusters), whereas male circumcision only removes a piece of skin, and arguably increases sensitivity (i.e. no nerve clusters...just skin, duh).

- Secondly, there are several religions that require that all men be circumcised. So in banning this practice, you're essentially truncating people's ability to participate freely in their religion. Yes, yes, yes, I can already here "but female genital mutilation was also parts of religion". Apparently you need to re-read the above bullet.

- Thirdly, no circumcision= Smegma. 'Nuff said. GROSS.

- Forth, aesthetics. Uncut junk looks like a f**ked up hot dog. Gross.

- Fifth, choices. This movement coming from San Francisco of all places. The place where people piss and moan about individual rights like gay marriage. Yet they turn around, and attempt to turn circumcision into a misdemeanor. Really? What kind of hypocritical BS is that??

- Sixth, a little too close to home for me. I refuse to believe I am a "victim of genital mutilation". My junk is fantastic and I would have it done twice if I needed to! Plus, I know an overwhelming majority of women out there prefer the "cut" to "uncut".

- Seventh (and probably should have been second), it has been shown to reduce the potential for certain diseases (and is easier to keep clean). I, for one, and totally down at being at reduced risk of STD's.

- Eigth, this procedure is what separates humans from animals. I am not a dog, and don't want some weird lipstick looking tube attached to my body. I want the sh*t that women's wet dreams are made of, and that's the kinda dongs you can only see in porn. How many pornos you've seen with uncircumcised junk?

- Ninth, SMEGMA! GROSS.

In closing, San Francisco can officially gargle my nuts. While I believe the government should have the authority to limit certain self-damaging acts (i.e. drugs, suicide, etc.), they DO NOT have any right to intervene on something that is beneficial just because a bunch of patchouli drenched, tye dye wearing asshats want to be on a political platform about sh*t that doesn't affect them.

San Francisco, get on the f**king wheel!!!

Things Just Got Weird

2011-05-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

Was out last night in which a giant guy came into the bar. Loaded to the hilt with tattoos, piercings, sunglasses, bracelets, a goofy f**king hat (i.e. the kind Slash wears) and God help me, pink hello kitty socks. He then piped in about how he was doing a drag show later that night, and was showing off his socks and tattoos at any chance possible.

Wow, never realized how much I loathe histrionic types.

F**king Civilians

2011-05-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

(Going to a gay bar tonight for Community ASL - Guarenteed to be a good time whatfor accessibility to beer....and that's all)

As I climb higher and higher in leadership, I find it more irritating how much "hand holding" I need to do. Most jobs have a learning curve, and it's expected by most supervisors that you won't be expected to know everything all at once.

This being a darker side of my professional HR posts, there are many things people can learn about what bad employees/employers do. First, wanna be a good employee? Worry about your own job performance. Don't worry about what the a$$ hat next to you is doing. And if you have a problem at work, you better damn well present a solution, or you're just contributing to the problem.

Wanna be a good employer? Don't let crappy employees get away with murder. It just screws over the person that takes over for you when you get fired.

Wow, Garfield Was Right

2011-05-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Classic Monday at work. A wee bit hungover from the weekend, weekend not long enough, and everyone's got enough gripes to give me an ulcer. Buggering things today:

1) Why is my alarm clock radio always not on a station, and constantly plays static?
2) I have bleach resistant mold in my bathroom.
3) Hot girl in boots seen on the way to work. Yes, the "holy-crap-she's-so-hot-I'm-angry-hot."
4) No parking at work, awesome.
5) Started with 10 emails at 730 this morning. Really? From over the weekend? Who the hell sent me emails over the weekend?
6) Angry email from supervisor.
7) Angry email from other supervisor.
8) More complaints from subordinates.
9) Realization I haven't watched enough fetish porn this weekend.
10) Sandwiches from Safeway suck. Too dry, meat has a weird texture, and $2.50? Really?
11) Energy drink kicks in three hours late.
12) Suddenly strangly quiet at work.....that can't be good.
13) Time to blog!!

You know, it's weird, going to therapy, I figured my mood would become more optimistic over time. I guess when you're hungover and tired, tends to wear on you anyway.

Awesome.

It's Too Early For This Sh*t

2011-05-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

Went out with some coworkers last night with the intent of having a few beers and calling it an early evening. That didn't happen however. I'm slowly learning that once you begin making your way home, it's best to go home. After we all left the bar, one of my coworkers suckered me into going to another bar and drinking for a couple more hours, which is fine an dandy, but he has the day off, and I'm hungover as hell at work.

I don't get the typical hangovers like most people do. Alot of people get severe headaches, nausea, stomach cramps, etc.etc.etc. Not me, I essentially stay drunk. Right now, the only complaint I have is having what would amount to a massive case of medicine head. Plus, I have the wonderful side effect of getting crazy horny when I'm hungover. So not only do I look like crap, I'm sporting a mega-chub at the same time. Gross.

I've been researching (instead of working) hangover cures on the internet. Alot of schools of thought about how to accelerate the healing process. The general concensus seems to be sleep, water, vitamin and mineral intake (i.e. pickles and fish), electrolyte intake, and sometimes even hair of the dog (i.e. gin and tabasco....gross). I'm getting ready to go to the store on my lunch break, and am going to buy a couple of hard boiled eggs, a big ass pickle, and some juice. We'll see how this goes.

I Still Never Use That Stuff

2011-05-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

Today was financials day, in which I get the wonderous opportunity of looking at my organizations income and expenses for the previous month.

Based on this information, I must then turn around and explain and major spikes in expenses, as well as try to predict (or what they call "forecast") the income and expenses for the next 4 months.

They didn't plan this well. Math has been my worst subject since 5th grade. In fact, the only class I came within a hair of receiving a D in (f**k you Geometry). The instant letters or formulas hop into math is when I immediately check out in the mental area.

And I manage a 2.5 million dollar budget. Hmmm.

"Now That is A Pretty Sweet Earth...ROUND"

2011-05-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

Being part of an "eco friendly" think tank at work, I've spent the last two hours attempting to find recycling laws for the State of Washington.

My research has apparently revealed that there are no discernable laws, and everyone recycles because they're a bunch of smelly hippies with nothing better to do with their lives.

Do I recycle now that I live in Washington? Yes I do. The only reason is I now have the freedom to throw all my recyclables into one giant bin and done, I've just saved a tiny bit of the planet. However, recycling when it comes to living in Idaho boils down to living in the stone age of solid waste management. Metals must be in a separate container from glass (which is further sorted into clear, green, and brown glass). Newspapers and/or magazines must be stacked and bound with twine.

Yep, I'll say it again, twine.

Really? What average college kid is going to keep a roll of twine in their shanty apartment? F**k you Idaho, I'm just throwin' everything in the garbage because of that pretentious move.

Too Epic For Me

2011-05-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

After a week of battling, my cold is finally beginning to subside. Now only massive head congestion and occasionally needing to blow my nose remains...I should probably cut down on smoking while I'm sick (or overall in general).

Had to speak on workplace ethics today during a staff meeting. One of those futile topics that you learn that you can literally beat people about the head and shoulders with, but still, if people are going to screw up, it's just going in one ear and out the other.

Slept with my contacts in last night, that's always fun in the morning as I'm staggering around with my eyes swollen so bad I look like a mole person freshly up from the ground.

Might potentially go to the community ASL Night at the gay bar tonight. Not that I don't enjoy being the only straight guy at a gay bar, but I don't. So yeah....there's that.

Been seeing a shrink now for about a month. Waaaaay better than my previous shrink as he's less zen and more of "if you keep doing this, you're gonna die." It also helps that he has a doctorate in his profession, and not a glorified Master's degree. Detroit.

Been chronically missing my college job as a cook at a steakhouse to the point that I fantasize about winning the lottery, and spending a huge chunk of cash rebuilding to the inch the place I worked at. Only instead of staffing it with college kids, it'd be nothing but hot chicks. Kinda like Hooters, only I'd be sure not to get the dumb ones, and shorts would be strictly off limits around food.

A movie about Thor? Really? And who the f**k in Hollywood thought it's okay to redo Conan. So help me if there is ONE explosion in that, I will just lose it and burn the rest of California to the ground.

I think three giant Monster energy drinks a day will ultimately be bad for me. I think it's about time I switch back to coffee for a while.

Actually ran at the gym for the first time in many moons yesterday at the gym. Surprisingly I'm not that sore, and I didn't lose all that much speed. That being said, I was reminded all too much about how much I loathe people that walk on treadmills for 20 to 30 minutes at a pop.

Wow, I am caffeinated.

"I AM Speed Muthaf**ka!"

2011-05-04T12:56:00.001-07:00

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've posted. Unfortunately, work has been gobbling up most of my time to the point where I barely have enough time to crap nonetheless do the important stuff (read: game, blog, drink).

Per my usual manner, I like to do summations in bulleted format, what:

- Had a terrific leg workout with my personal trainer, followed by a horrific two days where my calves were so tight I couldn't touch my heels to the ground.

- Went to Florida this last weekend for a work conference. The good thing was now I can say I've actually been to Florida instead of just going through the airport. The bad thing is I now know I should never drink with anyone from England or Switzerland. (And they can probably say the samething about Americans) I haven't been thrown out of a bar since college.

- I've now decided to develop my own Murtough list. If you're not sure what it is, look is up (i.e. "I'm too old for that sh*t!!)

- Returned from Florida with my typical end-of-winter cold that results in missing a day of work due to what I call "Niagra Nose" in which I have a constant downpour of what appears to be water from my nose. I now know I can produce enough mucus to burn through two rolls of toilet paper in the nose-blowing process.

- Upon returning from Florida Sunday night, I heard the news that a certain terrorist leader is dead. Enter dance of joy, and an unexpected jealousness of being a Navy Seal. (Hey...I'm an Army guy, don't do air and don't do water.)

- Preparing to declare an all out war on my body through essentially living at the gym....once my sinuses decide to stop being defiant of me.

- In the process of losing 4 days at the office, I found myself somewhat behind the power curve. Then I discovered that a mixture of Sudafed and Monster Energy drinks have a similar effect to Ritalin. I got ALOT of sh*t done today, all the while time seemed to be crawling along.

- Haven't really sat down and watched some awesome kinky porn in a while, so that's in the "fun que" for the time being.

Back to time travel! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

The Army Of Me

2011-04-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

Caveat: I would have posted Bjork's "Army of Me" video, but that hot mess was waaaaaay too weird for even me.

While I have absolutely no claim to state that I have multiple personality disorder, I do like to think of my being as being made up of many different consciousnesses. Alot of people that know me would describe my behavior and who I am as an "enigma". While I'm still trying to decide whether this is a good thing or not is still up in the air, I do take comfort in knowing I can really go many directions at any given time.

The following is Azurael in a nutshell:

My Inner Child

This little bastard I began to ignore years before even getting into High School. Always trying to act more mature then I should have, I eventually realized that I'm past the age of having fun in which I should have been having fun. Given he pops up now and again (typically after a few redbulls), most of the time, he usually just sits quietly in a corner.

My Absurd Kinky One

This feisty minx has a tendency to pop up at alllllll the wrong times. I'm not sure why or where it came from, but since I can remember, I've always been partial to the very exciting, and sometimes very wrong, twist on the act of "loooove making". Although not everything I've done I'm proud of, I do take pride in having her with me...because this way nobody can EVER accuse me of being some vanilla-a$$ed prude.

My Seether

This angry mo-fo popped up around puberty and he has been a sonafabitch since day one. He's made me do everything from start fights I knew I couldn't win to cut myself up worse then a GI Joe in a lawn mower. He has been reliable in the fact that when you can be as angry as this, there's really not much alot of people can really do to ruin your day.

My Drag Queen (aka "Virginity Steele")

She popped up around High School, when I didn't really have alot of friends. Despite my large hatred of many different subcultures, the gay community of my hometown actually turned out to be my biggest ally through some very harsh times in my High School and College years. While she's pretty much gone, I'm still kinda proud to have lived this life.

The Soldier (Caveat: "Old Army")

Since I could remember, I was always hell bent on being in the Military Police Corp. I grew up regaled with stories of the Army my parent experienced. The amount of honor, pride, and professionalism incorporated into the art of defending the country. This guy ensured I made it through life all the way through college and didn't mess up enough to lose my chance. Well, by the time I got to the Army, I realized I was surrounded by a bunch of knuckle dragging frat boys that were pretty much only interested in beer, real estate, and golf. And those rules about f**king Enlisted Soldiers? Well, they pretty much all paid no mind to them. All I know is that my father's Army was the Army I wanted to be in, not the current day nambi-pambi family lovin' douche fest it is now.

The Logic

In pretty much every job I've been in, I've been accused of seeing everything in "black and white". Typically because I've been in leadership positions, and in the process of enforcing policy and procedures, there really is no color. And ESPECIALLY in law enforcement. I rely heavily on logic and black and white even to this day.

The Gamer

While I consider myself far from being a bonafide nerd or geek, it is VERY safe to say I am a heavily addicted gamer. First person shooters being my weapon of choice, I'm pretty sure I'll be playing games until I can't hold a controller up with my own two hands. Then I'll learn how to operate the bumpers and the d-pad on an Xbox controller with my feet.

The Romantic

I locked this b***h away along time ago in a closet. I've learned that too much romance towards a woman can quickly backfire because they tend to expect it waaay to much. Oh, and the fact that after I got back from Iraq, I found the girl I had been in a relationship with, and was wooing from the other side of the Earth was f*cking another soldier. Yeah, not my fault.

The Poet

While closely related to The Romantic, this guy still comes out of hiding occasionally to let fly with creativity. He cropped up in the beginning Junior High with a crappy poem for school, and has from that point romanced girls, expressed hidden emotions, and has disturbed more than a few family members and friends.

The Self Destructor

This guy pops up when I really don't need him too. Fortunately I have either an unholy amount of dumb luck, or a legion of guardian angels that are on a 24 hour cycle to watch over my somewhat stupid a$$. Everything from falling out of windows to having a gin chugging contest with someone alot larger than me, this guy needs to just go away and not come back.

My Insanity

Extremely prone to popping up during episodes of little sleep and/or too much caffeine, this guy goes pretty damn wild when I least expect it. His friends are typically The Self Destructor and My Ubsurd Kinky One. He acts more as an inspirational force of nature over an actual stand alone influence itself.

Rage

This is last on the list because he's not one to crop up hardly at all. Usually when I get amped up to the point I can't stand stupidity, my radish snaps and I tend to unload. While not typically in a physical sense, I have unleashed some verbal barrages sharp enough to make grown men cry.

So A Straight Guy Has To Chime In Now Huh?

2011-04-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

For those who have read this blog for a while, they would know that I go nutty for a woman in boots. I think nothing compliments most outfits better, and nothing helps a woman exude more power (for whatever reason) then a pair of boots. That being said, man has not made all pairs of boots the same. Below, I have outlined what is acceptable and not acceptable to wear in the boot world. Ladies, some of these boots, if you think are cute, you need to go ahead and drop off your fashion license because you're dead f**king wrong. Yeah, the "but they're comfortable" arguement only goes so far. Look, if you're wearing something designed to compliment your outfit, 10 to 1, not going to be comfortable. Let's get started:

Equestrian

Verdict: Uh, no. Flat boots are lazy and you might as well be a gay guy.

UGGs (Aka "They're comfortable")

Verdict: Hell no. Take that sh*t off your feet.

Expensive A$$ Designer Boots

Verdict: F*CK NO!.....EWWW!

Gladiator Sandal/Boot Hybrid

Verdict: Not terrible. Definately some summer/beach fashion to this noise.

Standard Knee High Boot Verdict: An absolute fashion staple for all wardrobes. Throw out your "equestrian" sh*t and get these.

Thigh High Boots

Verdict: Apparently my dreams have come true in that this was named the boot fashion for 2011, so fall will be just awesome.

Am I weird for being a straight guy and posting this? Maybe. But ask any guy, and they'll most likely agree. When it comes to boots, comfort shouldn't be the highest priority. If it is, well that means you probably value moonboots waaay more than a normal human should.

Wait....What??

2011-04-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

Voicemail: "Hey Azurael, it's about 3:20, and we had a meeting scheduled for 3pm and I was just curious to know where you were. Give me a call." "What? We didn't have a meeting today..." *checks calendar* "F*CK."

Not For Account Of Time

2011-04-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

Had an idea for a kick a$$ blog today, but got bit by the uber-busy-Monday bug so haven't really had a chance to string out the entry. Did see Sucker Punch on Saturday. Although the critics hated it (but then again, they also hated Star Wars), it was pretty good. Awesome sound track, hot chicks in crazy a$$ clothing, robots, ninjas, dragons, knights, and steampunk Nazis. I mean seriously? What else can one ask for??

Azurael Of Free Labour

2011-03-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

The first of three interns started today at work. The idea of internships have always been a pretty sweet deal on both sides of the coin. On the intern side, you're picking up actual work experience and getting college credits for it at the same time. If you're really lucky, you might also get paid for it (however, not here). On the employer side, benefits come in the form of free (read: slave) labor. Bolstering workforce effectiveness with inexpensive, or in this case...free, labor always looks good. Plus additionally chalking it up to community relations is an added plus as well. That being said, it was a female coworker who remarked that our three female coworkers be required to wear gimp masks while at work. Wow. She said it, not me.

Women Do It Better....Uh, Mostly....

2011-03-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding misogonistic, there are somethings women just cannot claim to be good at. Yes, I can hear alot of internet browsers going to another webpage, but I still hold this to be true. Per usual, I will present evidence in a bullet list:

Frontline Combat - Seriously, pit me upagainst 95% of our female soldiers..guarenteed win.
Boy Scout Leaders - Uhh....what's the first word? OH YEAH.
Race Car Drivers - Danica Patrick, 'nuff said.
Republicans - Something about attempting to shut down your own human rights just seems odd to me.
(Most) Bosses - I've only ever had one female boss that was good, and while she was good, she was probably a bit too polite to tell me when I was screwing up.
Gamers - I'm sorry ladies, unless you grew up an awkward 14 year old boy that had no friends and no one liked you, you just can't game like we do. In fact, I've never actually met a woman that knew more about games than I do.
Perverted - I've heard plenty of women gush about how much they love sex, but you know what....there is no woman on this Earth that can hold a candle to a guy in terms of being more perverted. Now whether that ends up being bad? Whole different story.

Now with all this being said, there are many many many things that women typically do that often make guys look bad in the process:

Superheros - Let's face it, short of a select few, most heroines and female villians are just really good at what they do (and look awesome in pretty much any costume - reference pic).
Military Police - Every female soldier I had working under me were typically smarter, quicker, and waaaay more aggressive then most of my male soldiers.
Seeming Perverted - Although women can't truely be more perverted, they can give a jaw dropping scene of seeming to be perverse. Most men would agree with me, any time a girl says something dirty, our brains stop functioning.
Social Workers/Psychology - I will hand this over. Women seem to have a much stronger grasp on empathy then men do. I've dealt with a social worker before and she was just amazing!
Nurses - Because guys shouldn't be nurses. I mean...come on. Really?

I'm sure there are quite a few I'm leaving out, and no, I'm not saying that men are superior to women. We definately suck at ALOT of aspects of life...but hey, I'm just sayin.

The Pants Serve No Purpose

2011-03-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

After a solid weekend of drinking, I've decided to take a few days off to let my body recover. I'm also reminded that Mondays are especially unholy when hungover on wine...and the two bottles probably wasn't the best idea. Of course I also found out that people tend to be louder and more talkative when I'm hungover, which may or may not be a correlation.

It seems that I get to always do at least one thing unsavory when I'm hungover. Yesterday at the peak of my dizziness, nausea, and shakes, I had the fun job of firing a crappy employee. Now don't get me wrong, this guy was a slug and received more than this fair share of write-ups. It's rather the fact that when you know an employee is going to flip out when they get fired makes it a bit harder to plan for the obvious. The funny thing was, he tried to argue with me. At somepoint am I supposed to say "oh, well shoot....take back that whole 'firing' thing!" The phone call (yeah, I fired him over the phone...I'm not having him freakout at the workplace) with the typical "you'll hear from my lawyer...blah blah blah." Again, although a pisser as it were with a hangover (idle threats are not my favorite thing in the world), I'm not cooncerned at all. First and foremost, I've made lawers and people with doctorates look dumb, so I welcome the challenge. Second, I think any of my coworkers who took the stand would say "yep. He's a slug".

So in my fleeting moment of temporary sobriety, while I can feel my organs beginning to congeal from a soupy sledge, I might take this time to hit the gym fast and furious to do as much damage as I can. Also, I've begun taking Chantix again....so here comes the ever awe inspiring nausea again. W00T!

That's About Enough

2011-03-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

Any consistant reader of this blog probably knows by now that I'm not a fan of the "breeders" of society. People that make it their mission in life to crap out as many children as human possibly, and beating their chests about how proud they are for...well...I guess doing what mankind has been doing since the dawn of time. No, congratulations are not in order, becoming pregnant is not an accomplishment. Finishing a marathon is an accomplishment. Getting a 4.0 on your report card is an accomplishment. Getting pregnant is not an accomplishment. Seriously. If it can be done by accident, something tells me it's not entirely praiseworthy. "Whoops! I got a perfect score on my biology test!"

Beyond my loathing of children, is my loathing of parents who think of themselves king/queen sh*t because they successfully had sex. Let me put the answers in very succinct terms:

No, I don't care about how old your kid is.
No, your kid is not cute.
No, pregnancy is not beautiful at all. And for men who say they've never been more turned on by their wives until they were pregnant are probably men who weren't getting any sex from their wives until her hormones clicked on 6 weeks in to being pregnant.
No, I don't intend to have kids of my own.
No, I don't care if "it's different when they're my own".
No, your kid doesn't have ADHD, he's just stupid.

Of course who am I to nay say this whole time. Lemme turn this ship around:

Yes, I unfriended you on Facebook because you changed your profile picture to a close up face shot of your ugly offspring.
Yes, I firmly believe that parents who don't have their children vaccinated are completely retarded.
Yes, people should be required to get a license to breed. Kind of a bigger thing then driving a car right?
Yes, I think breastfeeding is an abomination. And if you even get started on the whole "natural" arguement, I will take a sh*t right here on the ground in front of you. I mean it's natural right?
Yes, you will pee, puke, poop, and fart in a room of complete strangers during childbirth (read: yeah, not a beautiful thing).
Yes, were I ever stupid enough to knock someone up, my a$$ would be in the waiting room during delivery.

I've said it all too often, but the more I complain about it, the more I'm seeing a trend. This country is getting a bit too soft. Why? Probably because there is increasingly heavy focus placed on having kids, having a family, blah blah blah. So much to the point where now policies and legislation is becoming almost parent driven. Even the military provides for more benefits for the married and parents.

Not that I'm bitter, but yeah, you're kids look stupid.

Now You're Just Making Me Jealous....

2011-03-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

fig. 1-1 The hottest picture ever.

Getting ready to spend the next two days doing alot of travelling for work. And while it's not flying, I still can't really be stoked about not being in my office, just thinking about how my inboxes will be overflowing with "job security" upon my return.

But at least one good thing? At least I'm not going to Iraq. I found in the two times I flew over and two times I flew back, that patience is something I apparently have limitless amounts of. Hours and hours on a single flight, waiting in Kuwait for what I can't even remember, and sitting on a tarmac for hours just waiting for a plane to arrive.

Iraq aside though, I really wish I could just have a job where I do work like George Jetson. Just go to my office everyday, not supervise anyone, make moderately good pay, and press a button every now and again. Provided I wouldn't want the a-hole boss that he did (Mr. Spacely?), but I would just want a job where I can do my work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. End of story. Suffice to say, no bloggity-blog for the next two days at least, as I will be enduring an unholy gauntlet of meetings and meet-and-greets. BLECH.

And as for the picture at the top, seriously, how the hell hot is that?? I'd like to know what lottery I need to win to be the bologna in an Amy Lee and Emilie Autumn sandwich???

Could Have Had A V-8

2011-03-09T15:00:00.001-08:00

The last two days at work have been especially brutal. Not only for the fact of going through annual appraisals (both receiving my own, and passing out the ones to the staff), but also just a general level of unchecked f**kery at work. Several of the staff have been bonin' up left and right, which ultimately means it's up to me to write them up.

There are reasons I miss my old job working at a steak house during college (Bonanza). One of the biggest reasons is that I just had to show up, hermit it up in the kitchen for 8-12 hours, then go home. Didn't supervise anyone, didn't deal with customers...it was awesome. Unfortunately, I don't think I could live off the slave wages I was making then ($4.25 an hour...no seriously, that was minimum wage).

My education and experience have the unfortunate issue of screaming leadership despite the fact that sometimes I seriously don't enjoy it. Doing the HR thing was a bit better because HR personnel are considered "non-supervisory management". Which means you stilll get to corral behavior and pontificate policy, but you don't actually directly supervise anyone. But the downside of HR is that insurance just gets to be lame, and you get to deal with about 99.9% of your organizations drama.

In all honesty my dream job? Edit porn. It's a job I could do from home, enjoy some porn, get to be creative by putting in hopefully non-cheesy sound tracks, and most importantly, only supervise the finished product. That just got you thinkin' about porn too huh? Mission accomplished.

Pr0n is teh b3st.

I Need Some F**king Friends

2011-03-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

Went out to a retirement dinner last night (gay) then to trivia night (awesome) with a bunch of coworkers from my last job when I was in HR.

That night pointed out some very marked differences between where I am currently in life, and why men my age tend to suck as friends. Dinner last night, everyone (except one) was older than me, all of them are married, and all they can talk about is kids, sports, and...well that's it.

I find this lame (and yes, if I haven't posted it somewhere, I f**king hate sports) because I might be 31, but that doesn't mean I'm going to mothball my Xbox and start beating off to investment prospectus. Does getting married and/or having kids really just make you immediately suck at life? Given, as with all of my observations, I do swing a pretty broad brush stroke, but seriously. I recently ditched a friend of mine (20 years about) because he couldn't make time to hang out with me at all on account of being married and/or having a kid (even though it didn't help that his wife had his balls firmly stored in a jar under the sink).

This was also true that apparently if you enter the Army as an Officer, you're pretty much required to be a complete douche and major in the art of talking about flipping houses and playing golf. One of the severe downsides after five years in was the fact that I felt like I was in a uniform organization that was secretly a frat house.

Trivia night last night, surround by people my age or younger, hootin' and hollering for more beer. Not talking about children, not talking about real estate market fluctuations, not talking about sports, nothing. It was limitless banter about a sort of random stuff and it was awesome.

Then after the hootin' and hollering was done, I went home and ate my sad Taco Bell alone on my couch in a drunken stupor. It seems as though I always work at places where I'm typically the young guy that isn't a$$ deep in marriage and surrounded by babies....which is good because I'd hate to have to kick my own a$$.

Azurael's (Newest) Top 5

2011-03-06T18:56:00.001-08:00

It's been a while, and with the changing times comes the changes in the Top 5 list! Unfortunately, I'm going to have to throw it out there that I have a bias for women who are typically in a band (guess that makes me a bit chicky myself), but I've tacked on a couple actresses. So without further ado:

#5. Simone Simons

- The lead singer of the band Epica, this Dutch hottie is not only strikingly hot, but also has a set of pipes that can blow the doors off your car. Although the "epic" sound that the Nordic bands put out may not rub everyone the right way, she is the whole package.

#4. Kate Beckinsale

- English, hot, and was in several movies brandishing a latex catsuit and a large assortment of guns. Kate Beckinsale is a slammin' hottie not only for the physical reasons, but also because she is extremely varied in the roles she can play in the numerous movies she's been in.

#3. Milla Jovovich

- Russian supermodel that can act, and has been in more than enough films where she tends to be outfitted in clothes showin' off her wicked nice body (i.e. Ultraviolet, Resident Evil, The Fifth Element). Although her movies might not always be winners, noooo doubt that she isn't a prize!

#2. Amy Lee

- Although I like to consider my goth days over and done with, Amy has always been in the top 5 due to her smoldering looks and her very unique singing voice. I liked her more after I saw some behind the scene footage where she is pretty much seen to be a down to Earth person that doesn't let notoriety go to her head.

#1. Cristina Scabbia

Italian lead singer of the band Lacuna Coil, Cristina is absolutely #1 on this list. Loyally devoted to her fans, and having a voice that has a strong level of flexibility, these elements only compound how strikingly hot she is.

"It's Alittle Early To Be Gettin' Boozy Ain't It?"

2011-03-04T14:28:00.001-08:00

I was comparing notes with a coworker earlier today about our drinking habits. We had both remarked how awesome it would be to have a "liquid lunch" (read: martinis) then come back to work and finish out the day with a good day drunk. Unfortunately, the environment we work in hardly lends itself to such an act.

I then think about at what point I truly began to really appreciate booze. At first, when I got my first bottle of sh*tty Smirnoff vodka from my coworkers for a 16th birthday present, it was exciting to hid it, and simply nip off it now and again. Fast forward to today, and it's immediately beer o'clock if I've had a day that isn't so good.

I think my drinking really hit it's peak after I left the Army and went to work as a store manager in training at f*cking Kmart (F*CK YOU KMART). Not only was I doing an unholy, easily hatable job....I was also, well, a manager at f*cking Kmart. (FYI. I typically Kmart as a bad word, and generally tend to preceed Kmart with any deliniation of the word f*ck). I think I was rollin' with about a fifth of UV Vodka every night after work, and let me tell you....the only thing worse than working retail during Christmas is working retail during Christmas while hungover. F*cking Kmart really increased my profound hatred for mankind.

One of the things I've discovered about my ability to drink is that I go from zero to blackout pretty quick. Gone are the days where I can be rip roaringly drink and remember it. So now, I'm mostly partial to light beers and ales (although Harp gives me a pretty unholy hangover). Don't get me wrong, I slurp on some Bushmills at any time possible, but that on the same note, is also the reason I don't keep hard alcohol in the house.

I understand that many people in the counseling and psychotherapy field view getting buzzed/drunk on a daily basis as "self-medicating" and generally frown upon the whole process. But going to be honest, when you've had half the sh*t jobs I've had, pretty much the only way to get through the day is dreaming of your first visceral beer belch (and hopefully some tasty wings to accompany said belch).

"Seriously, I Have Shackles In The Back...."

2011-03-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

Although I don't go to the gym as often as I used to when I was in the military, I can say this about civilian gyms, it is waaaay more enjoyable from the eye candy point of view over military gyms. For those who don't know, the military has regulations for pretty much everything, including gym usage. If you're in the military and going to the gym, there are policies regarding what you can wear (PT uniform), can't wear headphones, etc.etc.etc. So as you can imagine, aside from a military gym being a complete sausage fest, it's pretty drab all around.

Civilians got it waaay better. And especially when I'm talking about women (because obviously I'm not looking at dudes, unless they're either A) screaming while lifting 1 ton or B) singing loudly to themselves while running on the treadmill), I'm talking about what they're wearing and what they're doing. So here's a few tips to the ladies out there about what's okay, and what's far from okay:

Tight Workout Clothes - While I'm still not entirely sure what the benefit of body hugging workout garments are, they're awesome...for the most part. Occasionally gym-goers tend to abuse this priviledge (and I'm talking about you fatty), but for the most part, it's a win-win for all parties involved. As far as I'm concerned, the tighter the better. Because you look good, and it makes me work out harder because I'm so angry you look good. Verdict: Ok.

Ponytails - Always a historical favorite among men, ponytails, especially when women are working out, are just awesome. Especially when they can get their hair to do that weird thing where the hair actually juts out from the head before falling down. Looks good on the street, looks great in the gym. Verdict: Really Ok.

Hairbands - Although probably unncessary given the proper ponytail, hairbands are also neat looking in that they convey a certain "I mean business" look to any woman stepping into the gym. Not tacky like an actual sweatband (which let's face it, the only people that wear that are guys who are out of shape and only play racketball), but still serves the function of allowing the wearer the optimal control of hair and potential sweat. Verdict: Ok.

Gray Sweatsuits - Nothing screams "I am so ashamed of my body" like a matched top and bottom in the baggiest material known to man. Anytime I see people wearing garbage like this, I have flashbacks to my awkward Junior High track days. Then I have images of said sweatsuit being stained with gravy, and not having been washed in weeks. Again, some people might need to wear this, but overall just unacceptable. If my pale a$$ legs can sport a pair of shorts, you can do better then this outfit made of blankets. Verdict: Not Okay

Bumpits - Okay. For the record, this fashion is absurd. While I understand that trends always come back 20 to 30 years after it was popular, the beehive and the giant hair, much like bellbottoms and day glow, should remain dead. And this crap has NO place at the gym. Seeing a woman with a bumpit working out tells me not only does she not care about putting any effort in, but she's also one of those "daddy didn't love me" girls who constantly need attention. Verdict: Super Not Okay

I could prattle on more about the gym, unfortunately, blogger doesn't lend itself well to adding additional pictures, so that's the end of that. Back to the grind as it were.

What Keeps Me Up At Nights...And Mornings... And Days

2011-03-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

fig 1.1 - "Wow..it is actually cocaine in a can baby....."

Coffee is my main weapon of choice in fighting either early morning drowsiness or even the harsh effects of a hangover. Of course, hot bean water is only good until a certain point of the day, which is when I generally switch over to energy drinks.

Long time readers would know that I'm not stranger to my pure love of energy drinks (or intense hatred of FRS) and how I'm basically animated on caffine and hatred of the world.

I recently heard about this news story about teenagers stroking out to drinking energy drinks, which made me a bit paranoid at first. Why? I typically drink one a day. I know, probably a very moderate amount right? Well, not when you're talking about kids having strokes at 14 over drinking the stuff.

However, in reviewing alot of horror stories, it's typically a bunch of kids who get the crazy idea to drink six Red Bulls all at once. Nothing new under the sun, back in my college years, I remember hearing a news story about a guy who took a full bottle of No Doz and chugged a 2 liter of Mountain Dew. Same bad crap, just different details.

In fact sitting infront of me right now is the "Import Monster Energy" while I'm typing this up. Fortunately, it comes in a resealable can, which is good because I'm more of an energy-drink-nurser. Especially on days that I'm trying to come back from a hangover (like today).

Normally, like most things I love, would take this attack on energy drinks personally as this Parent-Driven Country continues to chip away at everything I like in an effort to childproof the nation (soon peanut butter will be illegal...just wait). However, looking at the potential benefits of energy drinks versus how many people it's killing, probably isn't worth it. I don't think I've ever heard of someone OD'ing on coffee, but energy drinks are entirely different monsters. And just like hot sauce becoming more and more hot, it's only a matter of time until manufacturers attempt to dump as much caffine into a can of soda as legally permitted.

And the fact that people now are actually eating caffine by the spoonful is just not shocking.

Bending Chaos To My Whim

2011-02-28T15:55:00.000-08:00

In addition to this blog, I also professionally blog for a major website (and no, not white-rage ranting either). This weekend I received an email from someone who's had alot of experience in the field and gave me a compliment for "hitting the nail on the head". That's actually quite nice finally hearing some strong positive feedback about the articles I provide to this major company.....to help them get more 'net traffic......for free on my part. :/ Wait, what the hell am I doing?

Last Friday we interviewed an intern for a possible position at the organization I currently work with. Back in my HR job, I was actually charged with developing the internship positions for the company, so I'm not suprised that our HR turned up their noses at my idea. How can you as an organization not want this? Free labor and all you gotta do is train them! (And hopefully they're hot in the process)

In addition to that, I spent probably a good 6 hours on doing budget work, trying to figure out the expected revenue and expenditures for the next four months. Now forgive me that my crystal ball has run out of batteries, but I can't really put alot of faith into numbers that are three months out, and I'm hoping the bean-counters in accounting will forgive me if/when my numbers for that month are WAAAAAAAAAAAAY off.

Aside from all the work phone, I lost my cell phone in a (semi) drunken stupor weekend before last. Teemany martoonies (martini, dirty, 5 each) made me blank out and wake up at 800am the next morning. After conducting the post-blackout inventory for my crap, I realized my phone was long gone. Fortunately having a phone and SIM card lock on it, noone will discover my list of contacts as well as a small library of porn I kept on there (just for quick reference when I'm bored). I broke down and got a new phone, an Android to be a bit more specific. Other than the fact that I have big ol' bulky fingers and often type the wrong crap using a touchscreen, the phone is actually pretty handy. Never before have I been interested in the weather as much as I am now that it's only a button push away.

It's almost time to wrap up the work day for today (a handy 9 hour work day, per usual). Then tomorrow it's more meetings, more budget stuff, and as usual, day-to-day chaos! W00ty w00t w00t.

I'm So Sick

2011-02-24T11:50:00.000-08:00

Been battling what I believe to be a sinus infection going on for about 5 days now. Fortunately it feels like the 3 day long headache is finally subsiding, which is good because the weekend is coming up.

Beyond that I can't say I've been doing much of anything beyond gaming, sleeping, working, working, working, eating, and going to the gym (on occasion). Looking back to my counseling sessions, I guess there's still a residual amount of mild depression, but hell, I've been dealing with that background noise for years now, nothing new. Being the naturally cynical (and witty) person I am, I honestly believe some people aren't meant to be all bubbles and sunshine all the time. Especially working in a corrections environment surrounded by a bunch of angry convicts.

I've stopped going to the ASL Community Class nights for several reasons. The first and obvious one is I pretty much have no local friends, nonetheless deaf ones. The other reason is deaf people are extremely clannish against people who are not deaf, which although they have been persecuted in American history (f**k you Alexander Graham Bell), it pretty not cool to hate me just because my ears work. Weak.

I was watching my new favorite show the other night (How I Met Your Mother) and saw an episode called "Okay Awesome" where Lily and Marshal decide they have to start acting older and more mature instead of going to crazy parties and doing keg stands in their spare time. There was one scene where Lily and Marshal were hosting two other couples that were talking about the real estate market and at one point, Marshal says something about babies (i.e. anchors in diapers) that blatantly upsets a woman who's pregnant. This reminded me alot of where I have been and where I am now in life. Yeah, I get it, people "grow up" and their priorities change to having family's, playing golf, and being f**king lame. Just because that's a fact of life doesn't mean I need to accept it. The plain truth is that if you end up getting married, having kids, and your immediately family becomes the epicenter of your life (and God forbid you post your kids pics as your profile pic on Facebook), you suck as a person. Plain and simple. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I get that family should come first, but isn't there a "second" in this equation? People that ditch their friends full out for their family's are no different then in high school when people ditched their friends for their new significant other. By doing so, you're pretty much pissing on everything that friendship was worth regardless of length (read: my local friend of 20 years who pissed on our relationship by selling his balls to his wife).

Anyway, I've probably ranted enough. It's now time for a quick energy drink before several tedious meetings, and a butt kicking trip to the gym. Doing legs tonight! Woo-hoo! (not really)

Why Am I So Angry?

2011-02-22T19:56:00.000-08:00

It's funny because when I was going through my "unbridled rage" as a teenager, I always thought it would subside to a lower level after I grew up.

Hmm, now I'm 31 and still as angry as ever. Why you ask? Well it's very simple. I have a very low threshold for stupid people. Plain and simple. Is it because I think I'm better than most people? Maybe. More educated and more worldly? Probably. Not head-up-my-a** stupid? Yep. Now we're cooking.

Everything from mixed up Republican politics (read: any platform the Republicans stand for), to parents who shouldn't be parents (read: Duggars), to people who shouldn't be allowed freedom of speech (read: The Westboro Baptist "Church").

Now I can't stand to be angry all the time or else I'd topple over from stress before I'm 40. What do I like? Well, it's pretty scarce, but typically involves gaming, Jack-in-the-Box, porn, beer, fried bologna sandwiches, and chicks in boots. I'm very easy to please, and rightfully so. Stuck in a less than rewarding job in corrections, having pretty much no friends, and having mild IBS that can get bad enough to blow the toilet stall door off the hinges.

*Sigh* I miss this blog thing, it allows me to vent the stuff that pisses me off, and rave about the stuff I like. And allows me a medium to put down all the toilet humor I want.

Back to the beer!

Not What You Said Two "Status Updates" Ago

2011-02-11T15:04:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago during a freak snow storm, I ended up sliding my tiny little Prius into a curb at about 20 mph. I noticed immediately my alignment was off and didn't think much more of it, until I noticed my car would shake slightly at lower speeds.

Uh-oh.

So I dropped it off in the shop on Monday ( a certain dealership that rhymes with "hoyota") requesting an alignment and an oil change.

Phone call Monday: "Hello Azurael, I have a status update. It appears that [insert mechanical jargon here] is [insert damage jargon here]. We can't align it until we repair it. Total bill comes to $1200." To which I reply "ugh, okay....go ahead and fix it."

Phone call Tuesday: "Hello Azurael, I have a status update. It appears now that two of your wheel rims are bent. We can't balance your tired until we repair it. Total bill now comes to $2200 ." To which I reply "WOW. Okay...go ahead and fix them."

Phone call Thursday: "Hello Azurael, I have a status update. It appears your rear cross beam is [insert damage jargon here]. We still can't align it until we repair it. Total bill comes to $4800, and your car won't be ready for another 5 days." To which I reply "Holy f**k...okay, if I didn't authorize the repairs and drove it now would I die?" To which he replies "uhhhh...no?" To which I said "If I drive it, what WILL happen." To which he replies "You will burn through tires significantly." To which I reply "Okay. Fix it."

I immediately turned around and got my insurance company involved. $1200 I could do, $5000 I cannot do.

And for the record "hoyota", do you f**kers fix-as-you-go? Or do you actually complete a full inspection before beginning repairs?

Sweet Moses.

Roping It In

2011-02-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

fig. 1-1 Maybe Reese Witherspoon's long lost cousin?

It's been a while of me neglecting my blog, for many, many, many various reasons. Looking over the past several posts, mostly it's been me grousing about the terrible facets of mankind that tend to rear their ugly head in the news, and the crazy followers who support them.

This was not my original intent of this blog. My intent was pretty much chronologicalize my day to day ongoings without giving up too much information (i.e. who I am...der).

So moving forward, I plan to return to the roots of this and trrrryyyy to post on a daily basis. So in the spirit of it, let's play catch up since I got canned from my previous job, which I had enough time TO blog everyday (canned in Nov of 2008? I'm too lazy to look at that posting right now).

Unemployed for 10.5 months while I applied to over 600 jobs and have enough rejection letters to wallpaper my apartment (thanks to a Master's degree??)
Got into the first non-fault car accident in my life (win-lose on this one)
Moved back into an apartment building that isn't 1000 degrees in the summer, doesn't have people living above with concrete Reeboks, and isn't the size of a matchbox.
Play unholy amount of Xbox (see unemployment)
Been accused by the state of Missouri for owing an alleged $2500 in back taxes (although I was in the military at the time, and did not claim Missouri as my home state)
Went to counseling for about three months after my drunken debautchery increased. Diagnosed with mild depression, anxiety disorder, and ....wait for it......mild substance abuse.
Started smoking.
Started smoking ALOT.
Quit counseling due to 1) Not making progress fast enough and 2) my crappy insurance under my current employer doesn't provide enough coverage.
Attempting to stop smoking and using the gut-churning Chantix.
Saw Lacuna Coil twice in concert, and reveled in their awesomeness.
MET Lacuna Coil and had Andrea Ferro hanging off my shoulder for a photo (awesomex2)
Assaulted in the bathroom of one of my favorite bars (now ex-favorite bars)
Ended up on a gurney with social services as a result of said assault
Found a new bar
Disowned a friend I've had for nearly 30 years due to him being a complete douche and completely whipped by his wife.
Met a new friend, who is dubbed "Dude-Chick" for her ability to fart/burp in public and put most men to shame, but still look classy while doing so.
Stopped self-mutilating....well, at least for now.
Played more Xbox
Became an Uncle once, with Uncle to the power of 3 happening soon (other brother is having twins)
Almost got apprehended by the Seattle Police Department but talked my way out of it literally using Sign Language.
Finished learning Sign Language. I can now converse with Deaf people pretty solidly.
Got a job in the field of corrections. And in said job, was promoted within 6 months, then promoted again after alittle under a year.
Let my workout routine fall of the wagon and under it's wheels.
Hired a personal trainer to get me back on to the wagon one protein shake at a time.

So that brings us to today. Currently the only things rolling is my crazy day-to-day job in corrections, my sporadic work out sessions, and my dormant need for a cigarette which does nothing (f**king Chantix). My hopes are to get this blog back on track with alittle more than random posts about baby factories, people who complain about everything, and nutjobs...although that will be sprinkled in.

Oh, So NOOOOOWWWWW It's WRONG???

2011-01-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

So I pretty much spewed my Sapporo beer after I read this article. So let me get this f**king straight. The crazy ass Westboro "Baptist Church" is allowed to protest funerals for soldiers killed in hideous acts of violence, and the mass of America says its "freedom of speech", but one child dies in a gun shooting, and NOW they ban these heretical a$$clowns from funerals????

Now before you freak out, don't get me wrong. Children NEVER deserve to die. There is nothing worse in this world. But how f**ked is America that it would turn it's back on soldiers that are fighting for a cause, but get all uppidty when a childs funeral is going to be picketed??

Sweet crap, this country really is run by a bunch of parents, and not parents of soldiers.

You New Age Parents Are F**KING SH*T UP!

2010-11-04T13:58:00.001-07:00

Just when I think sh*t cannot get any more unbelievable, this kind of f**ked up mess happens. San Franciso, a city that I normally would associate with freedom of choice, has decided that the only way to curb childhood obesity, is to just ban Happy Meals, through the clever targeting of the toys which are usually the best part of it (because let's face it, the burger is always cold and a bit soggy...gross). So now, this new legislation states:

"In order to include a toy with purchase, these new, unhappier meals must meet a checklist of nutritional requirements (PDF):
• The meal can't exceed 600 calories• Less than 35 percent of the calories can come from fat (nuts, nut butters, low-fat cheese excepted)• It's required to have a half cup of vegetables• Breakfast meals are required to have a half cup of fruit• Sodium limits• A multigrain requirement"

Ahem...allow me to climb on my desk for this response. HALF A CUP OF F**KING VEGETABLES??? And can't exceed 600 calories?? My morning dump consists of AT LEAST 1000 calories.

It's funny. My intense hatred of obese people consistantly requires me to review all the research and findings on what is causing this nationwide. Nowhere, have I seen that McDonald's is exclusively responsible for the fattening of children. Other than that a$$hole that decided to eat fast food for 30 days in a row (which is obviously f*cking stupid to begin with), there has been no reason to fire these rounds down on McDonald's.

Furthermore, shouldn't legislation be targeted at the dead-beat f*cking parents who take their kids to McDonald's everyday to begin with? The kids certainly don't have the income to waltz over and order a triple cheeseburger.

So now that parents don't want to do their job anymore, they're punishing the majority by simply changing the rules because it's apparently easier. This is a the same sh*t that ruined getting my food super sized.

My recommendation? It is what it has always been, people should be required to get a license before breeding. Why? Because it's pretty f*cking obvious that people aren't prepared to be in charge of another human being.

All the parents who arn't fit to be parents, GET ON THE WHEEL. As for me, I'm going to send a message by eating a Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger, smoke a cigarette, and pound a bottle of wine.

This Toilet Earth

2010-10-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since I've blogged last. Quite a few things have been going on, nothing worth mentioning, at least, not that much. So in the interests of time and efficiency, here is the typical shotgun round to the world I like to give!

- According to this article, fat kids are actually stupid. Who says science isn't the best thing EVER!

- F*ck you Mariah, nobody cares! And for the record, I hope it's a boy you unicorn loving psycho!

- PETAs going to want a refund after this offer fails. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with cheese and milk? Is everyone at PETA lactose intolerant?

And to wash away some of the negativity:

- Finally, the ethical side of people shine through. By no means do I think an armed robber should not be caught, but it's very refreshing to see that standards hold through for all things.

And finally, just a random hot chick in boots!!

Wait....WTF??

2010-09-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

I'm noticing a disturbing trend coming from the media over the past several days. In this link, it's said that if the Ground Zero mosque site gets moved, then "the Islamic Extremists win". However, if it doesn't move, then Islam "wins".

Then, in THIS LINK, we're being told, even by General Peteraus, that it will "anger the Islamic Extremeists".

So my question is this, WHEN THE FUCK DID ISLAMIC EXTREMISTS START RUNNING OUR COUNTRY???? SERIOUSLY! Am I allowed to take a sh*t? Or do I need to cork my ass shut because it would "upset the Islamic Extremists"? At what point did we become so overconcerned with upsetting a small portion of the world that it's actually beginning to generate opinion contrary to our American rights?

Besides, everything offends those morons about us, we're the Great Devil! Remember? DAMN!

I Will Destroy The Westboro Baptist Church

2010-09-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of hatred if you're read any of my blogs, but my hatred is based in intelligent arguement.

These f**ks ruin the idea of intelligent rejection, and for that, I will rub them from the face of the Earth. Mostly be it through literary documentation. Americans have the right to free speech, but these "God loving" people, no, they don't get that right.

Get Outta The Weeds!

2010-08-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

So one of my bosses boss told my boss and I that we need to go to "first line supervisors training" because he believes out staff to be out of control.

Wait, let me get this straight, between my boss and I, we have over 50 years of leadership training, experience, and practical know how. This meatball, from what I understand, has about 4-5 years.

Really? Time for a new job!

You Have To Be F**king Kidding

2010-08-03T19:56:00.001-07:00

I haven't really watched the news in a while, but I was pretty much floored (hard to do on a treadmill) when I saw that a Mosque has actually been approved to be built in the vicinity of Ground Zero.

Seriously?

Now I've reviewed the arguments that argue for building the Mosque. The usual "this is America" and "land of the free", and "freedom of religion", and the "oh so Timothy McVeigh was a Christian, should we not build churches..." and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

The bottom line is this. Islam is a violent belief structure. They believe that if you're a non-believer, you either need to convert or die.

Uh oh! Here comes the "Oh, but what about the Crusades" or "What about the Inquisition?". Yeah, that was in the Middle ages. Christianity is no longer a belief structure of violence, and even the base idea of it is that Christians accept all manners of thoughts and beliefs (except you f**king Scientologists). Islam is STILL practicing a method of violence in their belief structure. Last time I checked, we don't have a Christian equivalent of "fatwa".

So now the claim is that this Mosque will "bridge the gap" between religions. Yeah, because building a religious temple at the site which was destroyed by ALL extremists from that religion will cure the disagreement that has been going on for thousands of years.

Sure. Way to go New York City. Nice to know even you "hard asses" would bend over and take it like that.

STOP F**KING BREEDING

2010-08-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

So in this latest gem of news, Mrs. "Wormwhole-Baby-Cannon" has had her 19th kid, which now puts most Middle Eastern families to shame (despite the fact that usually it involves more than one wife to get to that total number of kids).

These psycho parents starting sh*tting babies after the first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Then apparently they got God and decided that the more babies they could unexcusably bring into the world, the bigger their crowns would be.

Despite the fact that this last one was not only born premature, but riddled with health problems, this psycho-bitch has stated she welcomes the idea of continuing the new born diarrhea, probably until either she dies in child birth, or probably until she has another miscarriage. I'm not going to tell you which one I'm rooting for, but here's a hint. BOTH.

Happy Fourth of July!

2010-07-04T15:52:00.001-07:00

Happy fourth of July to the greatest nation in the world! And with that being said, I hope the flames of hell are hot enough to light that cigar Benedict Arnold! You tea sucking, gout afflicted, dropsy havin', dyin-of-delirium motherf**ker!!

Dudes Unite!

2010-06-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

Scientists have developed the first male contraceptive pill. This is a pretty awesome day. It's funny in reading this article in that apparently "Polls have repeatedly shown wives and partners do not trust their men to remember to pop a pill every day." Or it could be that they're not really on board with the fact that men can now control whether babies are made or not. Personally, I think this is a fantastic invention to combat those women who "forgot" to take the pill. ;)